Category Archives: Pistoffirishman

A ”Lochte” to hate about this Olympics

Police say Ryan Lochte, swimmers lied about alleged robbery

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Police said the swimmers were confronted by security guards carrying guns after leaving a party at the French hospitality house.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Rio police said on Thursday that four U.S. Olympic swimmers who claimed they were robbed at gunpoint fabricated their story to cover up for a drunken night that ended with them vandalizing a gas station bathroom.

“It seems that they lied,” said Fernando Veloso, chief of Rio’s civil police. “No robbery was committed against these athletes. They were not victims of the crimes they claimed.”

Veloso’s statements at a jam-packed afternoon news conference followed a chaotic and confusing week for the U.S. team and cast a pall over the final days of the 2016 Summer Olympics. What started as a case of U.S. athletes falling victim to Rio’s notorious crime could end up leaving a black eye instead on the four American medalists.

Early Sunday morning, Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were riding home from a party at France House — a restaurant/bar set up for the Olympics — when they said they were pulled over by men pretending to be police officers and were robbed. Lochte was the most explicit, saying one of the men put a gun to his forehead before taking their money.

Veloso gave a far different account. He said the four swimmers stopped at a gas station and one of them broke down the bathroom door and police found damage to a soap dispenser and a mirror.

The athletes were confronted by security officers, and they offered the gas station employees $20 and 100 Brazilian reais (about $33 U.S.). Veloso said the swimmers continued being belligerent, prompting a security officer to show his gun. But he said no excessive force was used and there was no way the swimmers could have interpreted the situation as a robbery.

There have been some pretty big fuck ups when we talk about celebrities (even half-ass fringe celebrities) doing stupid ass shit. Hugh Grant hiring a hooker that looked like Samuel L. Jackson on a good day.  Pee Wee Herman treating his own Herman to a good time in a public theater, The list goes on and on.  OJ, Aaron Hernandez, Rae Carruth, Evil Kanievel jumping over the canyon; all really fucking stupid things to do. Then we have a washed up reality show SWIMMER in the Olympics, which no one has even cared about since before Bruce Jenner stopped buying Goldbond powder.

Anyway, breaking this story down to the core is real simple.

  1. Shithead Swimmer  goes out and gets hammered with 3 other grape smugglers.

2.  On the way home they stop at gas station. The gas station won’t let them use the bathroom, so they piss all over the place.  As swimmers tend to do.

3.  Swimmers get in a fight with the attendant and break a door.

4.  So the head idiot swimmer decides “Hey guys I have this covered, We just tell them we got robbed at gun point.

Even for  a pancake brain like Lochte, making this allegation is completely moronic. How about the other 3 fucking idiots thinking “Yeah great idea Ryan nothing can go wrong with this plan”. This plan is equal to getting pulled over for a DUI and telling the cop “I wasn’t drinking, the booze drank me” (side note I’ve tried this it doesn’t work).

Here is how you explain Ryan Lochte.

Picture the United States as a giant High School. Ryan Lochte is stuffed in a locker, in the girls locker room. That’s it…end of comparison. We all know this guy is a fucking idiot. This shithead had a reality show on E! that was cancelled. You know how hard that is to do? For Christ sake that network will show basically anyone that will bang a black guy that plays a sport and that pansy wouldn’t even bother to blow Brittney Griner (USA WBBALL) to keep his show going. What a coward!

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Okay here’s my favorite part of my blogs…They are the one liners that I love so much.

Things Lochtes buddies would have rather done that night then lie about being robbed

-Accompanied the North Korean losing athletes home to face Kim Jong Un

-Taken a dip in the Poop Ocean in RIO

-Tried to piece together all the severed limbs that wash up on RIOs beach

-Go to a gay club with some new friends they met from Syria

-Find Michael Phelps’ one other friend

-Try to help Bob Costas make those fudge cookies in his tree

-Help pay for all the abortions that will be needed just from the USA Basketball team

-Hang around with Brazils best known celebrity- The bubble bee guy on The Simpsons

41da10aa21ad0895037db3722d170553_simpBumblebeeMan_f_JPG-Climb up to the Jesus statue and find out its really The DUDE  from “The Big Lebowski”

-Chill with the Horse Dancing guys because…they gotta know how to party, right?

Lochte is so stupid he can’t finish a Highlights magazine.

He is so stupid he has Velcro shoes that match his wallet.

 He is so awful that his favorite sport is fucking swimming.

If Ryan Lochte was a cartoon character he would be fucking Millhouse from The Simpsons. Nobody needs him but if he is there no one notices anyway.

And so, just  go away Ryan.  Go crawl in a hole and leave productive humans alone. Or at least til you smoke some bath salts and eat someone’s face off like that kid in Florida. (Seriously did you see that shit? Way more entertaining then the Olympics.)

See you in 2020!

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Booze as a disability? Is this Bar open?

By: Scott Wolf 

Former head coach Steve Sarkisian has sued USC for $30 million for wrongful termination and failure to help him treat his alcoholism.
Former USC coach Steve Sarkisian filed a lawsuit against the university on Monday saying he was “kicked to the curb” instead of being allowed to seek treatment for alcoholism.

Sarkisian’s lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, blamed athletic director Pat Haden for wrongful termination and seeks $12.6 million, which is the remainder of his contract at USC, plus unspecified punitive damages for “mental anguish.” He also blamed his high-stress job and collapse of his marriage for his alcohol dependency.

The lawsuit claimed Sarkisian “pleaded” with Haden to give him time away from his job to seek treatment, but Haden placed him on indefinite leave on Oct. 11 and fired him by text the next day.

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Booze is a disability? How is making everything awesome even midnight Christmas Mass a disability! I’m kidding, of course alcohol is a disability.  If you have to start wearing Velcro sneakers because the booze won’t let you tie your shoes, then its a disability. If you wake up next to a midget in clown makeup, then its a disability. If you start to understand the Asian guy taking your order at Wah Sang at 3am, then its a disability. If you start to think “You know I would do Caitlin Jenner in a pinch” then its a disability.The problem with this story is did Coach inform his boss of his issue?  Nobody is buying that Sarkisian remembers speaking with his bosses about his alcohol issue in the first place. The only thing this guy remembers is that the packy opens at 10am and takes cash only (or cheerleader underwear in certain circumstances).  Yes, the guy has a problem. Any time you wake up face down at a podium… in the middle of a spaghetti dinner…while you were making the speech…you might want to put the Schnapps down.

(Where is this bartender?)

The real problem in this situation was Sarkisian was trying live his college years all over again. Who among us hasn’t done the same thing? Maybe you stop in at a local watering hole on your way home from work.  Proceed to down Fireball shots, play Buck Hunter, talk about how the Swatch watch was your idea and then argue with the wooden Indian statue about who could serve a beer faster Woody or Sam Malone (The correct answer is Woody by the way.  Those corn-fed Midwesterners know how to work.  Just ask Orvil Redenbacher.) then maybe we should talk?

(Christ buddy, its almost 10am, bartender what the fuck)

Drinking on the job is bad mojo. Sure, at lunch, smoke breaks, walking to the bathroom; but while working is just not cool. The big question is did he deserve to lose his job because he was brushing his teeth with Doctor McGuilicuddy?’s  Sadly, yes he did. Unless he went into his boss’ office and said this simple phrase “I have a problem and need help“. He has to admit the problem or there really isn’t anything for USC to do but fire him. Believe me, I know something about addiction. If I buy one more season of Greys Anatomy on DVD my wife is throwing me out on my ass.  I hope Coach gets the help he needs.

(as I sip my Rum and Coke)

 

Christmas Specials Revisited: Week 1 Frosty the Snowman

Its that time of year again when we all distract ourselves with the Christmas season so we don’t have to come to grips with the fact we won’t see the sun for 3 more months. Before there was Netflix, DVDs, and the internet, we all waited for this time of year to see our favorite specials on television. I thought there was no better time than now for me to revisit some of these with my own kids. So, once a week I’m going to sit down with the family and review a beloved childhood favorite until Christmas arrives. I may have a few Slainte’s throughout the course of the viewing but hey…

“LAYOFF ME IT WAS A LONG DAY”

The first review of the season is…

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (1969)

06frosty

The special starts out with a cartoon version of Jimmy Durante dancing around and using every ounce of energy not to sniff up the entire town with that giant cartoon schnoz. I know Durante had a big nose in real life but this thing looks like he could sniff a line of cocaine out of Khloe Kardashians arm hair.  Durante is the narrator of the story and in between his own Crown Royal pulls and ‘snow’ bumps we see a school in the beginning of the program.

For whatever reason there is a terrible magician trying to pull “Hocus” the rabbit out of a hat. What kind of school has fucking Magicians?  The only magic I ever saw in school was the health posters telling you not to high five kids with open hand wounds.  This shitty magician throws the hat away not knowing that it was magic.  He was probably more worried about the little girl he tied to the train tracks.

Now we see all the kids are playing outside and they decide to make a snowman. They are all doing there part and then one of them says to Karen (clearly, the slutty one) “You make the head“.  I laughed harder at that line then any joke I’ve heard in a month. As we all know they name the snowman ‘Frosty’.  However, one kid actually threw the suggestion to name it ‘Oatmeal‘ which would been way better for fuck sake.  You meet a guy named Oatmeal you know there is a great story behind that name. Calling him Frosty was just plain lazy. Peehole, Tincup, Chesty Larue, Beast, Oatmeal; now those are great nicknames and not just an observation like these boring-ass, unimaginative  kids.

While I have no understanding of the Nielsen system, I would bet a corncob pipe and button nose that if this special was named Peehole  the Snowman it would have tripled Frosty’s ratings over the last 1/2 century.  That’s Branding 101, people.

Anyway, the magic is in the hat that brings this Olaf-on-steroids to life. But why the pipe? Nowadays if you see a white guy with a top hat and a pipe you’re probably in a yoga class in Brookline listening to The Avett Brothers.  So, the kids become friends with the snowman, try to keep the creepy (most likely registered Level 3 sex offender) magician away from getting his magic hat back. They try to get Frosty to the North Pole to a save his life… blah, blah, blah, kids crying, Santa gets involved, he is made of magic Christmas Snow, he dies, comes back, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Bottom line, I fucking hate Frosty.  Its terrible.  If I was in this cartoon I would have thrown a Duraflame at him the minute I saw him. Bunch of naïve kids hanging around with a giant fat white guy? Sounds a lot like John Wayne Gacy if you ask me.

(Not to mention The Challenge is on MTV right now. Yeah I know.  Plus this year everyone is partnered up with family members. Can you imagine the fights? Shit I fight with my brothers over how many incompletions Brady had Sunday, never mind over competitions involving carrying a lemon in your ass cheeks for half a mile. In reality its must see TV this holiday season, even if only to see the broad that looks like cousin Leo from SeinfeldHELLO!)

the-challenge-bloodlines-2015-recap-premiere-there-will-be-blood

But I digress…

Final Grade on Frosty the Snowman:  F –

Just a really bad effort even for 1969 standards. Next week we get to some actual good shit.

 

Two and a Half Years til AIDS

The man, the myth, the legend has come down with “the BUG”. Let’s put this news into perspective. Who didn’t think Charlie Sheen had HIV? I mean, of course he did! He has had more hookers then I have had Miller Lites, and last time I checked that’s a shit load. You don’t think one of those wonderful ladies of the night may have been carrying a ‘little friend’ with her?  Let’s not act like this guy has any trouble fitting his angel wings through the door. Little Chuckie has been living life like Motley Crüe since Platoon was at Route 3 cinema. I have, on good authority, confirmed that all of the following statements were said by Charlie Sheen since he found out he has HIV

  •   Listen babe, Charlie Sheen has HIV, I’m Carlos Estevez
  •   I told Cosby that chick looked skanky
  •   With HIV, PTSD, ADD and SARS I would like to solve the puzzle, Pat
  •   I probably got it from fucking Dorns wife
  •   When Magic asks you to be blood brothers you do it!!!
  •   My mom always said that the 7,000th hooker would be trouble
  •   Rickey Vaughn put the AIDS in ‘Rolaids relief pitcher’
  •   The guy at the petting zoo told me that donkey was clean
  •    Jesus, Doc, you scared me.  It’s only HIV.  Phew!  I thought it was something serious like crabs
  •   This is God getting back at me for Major League 2
  •   A little Robitussin, a shit load of cocaine and I’ll be back in business

  •    I think I won STD Bingo
  •    I talked to Michael J. and our new crime fighting show “Shakey and the BUG  Save New York” will be HUGE
  •   I’m rich, man, it’s cool
  •  I’m still WINNING

You will be fine Charlie. Just keep your head up and remember this old Irish proverb my Grandmother used to tell me…

Blowing cocaine and banging hookers all day long will eventually ruin your #1 sitcom, make people forget Wall Street and Platoon and give you AIDS.”

That lady sure had lot of wisdom.

 

Pats-Colts: The Only Way We Will Be Satisfied is if…

Welp, “the game” is finally here.  Sunday night, Tom ‘FUC’king (Fuck You Colts) Brady and the Patriots travel to Indianapolis to exact revenge against the weasels that were the root cause of the greatest, most shameful sham in sports history, “DeflateGate”.

Unless you live is Crazistan, you know exactly what I am referring to.  Colts accuse Brady of deflating footballs to illegal air pressure level resulting in his enhanced performance during the AFC Championship game last January.  Total and utter horseshit (or Colt-shit, I suppose).  That’s all I can say because it causes a visceral reaction in me due to its stupidity and my blood pressure is already a health concern.

Anyway, we all know the story.  But now, the time has come. After all the noise from the media, NFL Owners, soon-to-be-unemployed Commissioner Roger Goodell, and Indianapolis sports hack writer, Gregg Doyel, its simply time to play football.  Early predictions are not pretty for Indy.  Colts poster boy Andrew Luck is not healthy and, even though he plans to start the game at QB, he is not 100% which only enhances the case for the Patriots winning….and winning HUGE.

Enough of my shitty sports babble.  I started to ponder what could possibly meet Patriots’ fans expectations?  I don’t think a Pats runaway victory will satisfy us.  Not at all.  I think Patriot Nation is looking for something biblical.  Something epic.  Something impossible to happen.  And why not?  Let’s be candid, TFB and the boys are going to destroy this substandard team, but let’s use our imagination for a second.

What could happen Sunday night that would truly make us believe that justice has been served?

I polled ‘The Crew’ and here is our compilation….

(DISCLAIMER: We do not actually wish any bodily harm on anyone.  Colts players, staff ownership or otherwise.  This is supposed to be funny.  I am explaining this in case any of you slow-witted Shit kicking mid-westerners happen to read this column)

  • Andrew Luck spontaneously combusts and somehow Peyton Manning comes in as the backup (because of what Hasselback did – see below).  First play, his arm falls off as he throws interception to Tom Brady, who is now amazingly playing defense because he is bored.  Brady then walks by the now one-armed Manning and sings over his body, ‘Chicken Parm, you taste so good!”

  • Julian Edelman plays quarterback for the entire 4th quarter because Pats are up by 63.
  • Upon a landslide win, the collective force of all the Colts disappointment seeping out of the roof of Lucas Oil Satdium causes their fleet of AFC Runner Up banners to break from the rafters, falling to field and suffocates Irsay, Grigson and Pagano….because no one could hear their cries for help due to the fake crowd noise.
  • Somehow Bill Belicheck convinces Adam Vinitieri to come back to New England during the game and he kicks a meaningless last minute field goal to seal a Patriots victory…86-6.  ITS GOOD!!!

  • Colts Owner Jim Irsay and Patriots Owner Bob Kraft have a full on WWE wrestling match in a cage above the field during halftime.  Kraft, wearing his usual white-collar-blue shirt duds, wins with a Stone Cold (Steve Austin) Stunner, pounds 2 Budweisers that Gronk has thrown him and throw cans on Irsay’s unconscious body.
  • Chuck Pagano cries.  Again.
  • (Boston native) Colts’ Backup QB Matt Hasselback shows up dressed in Patriots uniform.  Takes a dump on the 50 yard line.
  • Upon scoring yet another goal line quarterback sneak touchdown, Brady heads for the goal post, pulls out a prescription pill bottle, whacks back the whole bottle and points up to Owner’s box. (by the way, the bottle was simply filled with Awesomeness.)

  • Following victory, Kraft BUYS the Colts and immediately moves the team back to Baltimore….Sunday night….via train.
  • During Post-Game Press Conference, the usually mute Bill Belicheck does a full on gangsta rap whereby be announces he had sex with Colts fat shit GM Ryan Grigson’s wife.  It would rhyme of course.

OK, maybe we have high hopes, but hey, we will need something to think about once we are up 50 at the half.

To paraphrase Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glenross, “I’d wish you Luck, Baltimore, but you wouldn’t’ know what to do with it.”

Indianapolis Colts: “What’s your name?”

New England Patriots: “Fuck you.  THAT’S my name.”

Now it’s “Just for the Articles”

 HUGH

   Flashback to an early spring day in 1992 when a couple of young men decided they were ready to explore the water tower area of Wedge Park. What they were looking for was an urban legend of sorts. Older brothers and cousins passed on the stories of them being buried in the brush near the entrance to the tower. PLAYBOYS!!!

These magazines were everything to young men. They were the left over cooler after a family party or a Phil Plantier rookie card and you cherished them. Rumor has it, these particular mags were put there for safe keeping from some nosey parents. Hell, it was like the JC Penny catalog took Molly. This was pre-Internet, if you were lucky to have cable TV then maybe you would catch nudity for 3 seconds or, on a great day, maybe a “Red shoe diary” on Showtime. If you found or owned a Playboy you were the happiest kid in the world.

We were looking for the Holy Grail and a chance that buried amongst the bushes was more bush. Well, the legend was true. Torn and tattered they were there and turned a lot of young men into teenagers. It was tough going back then for young men to learn about the opposite sex. I’ll be telling my kids about the tough times just like I heard about The Great Depression from my grandparents.

Now 23 years later the Playboy magazine that I knew and cared about is as dead as Bruce Jenners Sunday golf foursome. Crazy Hugh Hefner has popped one too many viagras. That insane pervert has decided to remove the nudity from the magazine and become more of a men’s lifestyle magazine! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!!!!???

Okay here they come…

  • That’s like non-alcoholic whiskey
  • Santa has decided to become a woman
  • The Cubs are going to win the World Series
  •  Pandas and Zebras are now both racist
  • My brother having water at Lunch
  • Irish guys are now getting tan
  • I’m in a good mood
  • Asians having a driving school
  • CIBF and Crew getting shit from trolls
  • Belichick not being a dick to the media
  • Stephen Hawking wins NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Dogs and cats living together….Mass Hysteria!

Someone call the Airforce, the Russian mob, fucking Superman!  Somebody stop this martini-pickled-genital-wart from ruining an American tradition. I mean its fucking Playboy for Christ sakes! Why don’t you rename it “Douche Magazine”. I can see it now with special articles about tight jeans, recycling and glasses for people who don’t need glasses.

Yes, everyone just goes to the Internet for porn now and it’s much easier. But where will washed up celebrities show off their jugs? Like I can’t go online and check out the chick from Step by Step, Small Wonder or one of the broads from K.I.D.S Incorporated randomly. They get signed by Playboy and peak everyone’s interest so it’s okay to look. It’s not creepy if it’s in Playboy, but the minute I Google “naked pics of the hot broad from The Goonies” I suddenly feel dirty (for only 4-5 secs). So someone call Hef give him some cocaine, a 22 yr old stewardess from Nebraska and tell him to cut the shit.