Christmas Specials Revisited: Week 1 Frosty the Snowman

Its that time of year again when we all distract ourselves with the Christmas season so we don’t have to come to grips with the fact we won’t see the sun for 3 more months. Before there was Netflix, DVDs, and the internet, we all waited for this time of year to see our favorite specials on television. I thought there was no better time than now for me to revisit some of these with my own kids. So, once a week I’m going to sit down with the family and review a beloved childhood favorite until Christmas arrives. I may have a few Slainte’s throughout the course of the viewing but hey…

“LAYOFF ME IT WAS A LONG DAY”

The first review of the season is…

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (1969)

06frosty

The special starts out with a cartoon version of Jimmy Durante dancing around and using every ounce of energy not to sniff up the entire town with that giant cartoon schnoz. I know Durante had a big nose in real life but this thing looks like he could sniff a line of cocaine out of Khloe Kardashians arm hair.  Durante is the narrator of the story and in between his own Crown Royal pulls and ‘snow’ bumps we see a school in the beginning of the program.

For whatever reason there is a terrible magician trying to pull “Hocus” the rabbit out of a hat. What kind of school has fucking Magicians?  The only magic I ever saw in school was the health posters telling you not to high five kids with open hand wounds.  This shitty magician throws the hat away not knowing that it was magic.  He was probably more worried about the little girl he tied to the train tracks.

Now we see all the kids are playing outside and they decide to make a snowman. They are all doing there part and then one of them says to Karen (clearly, the slutty one) “You make the head“.  I laughed harder at that line then any joke I’ve heard in a month. As we all know they name the snowman ‘Frosty’.  However, one kid actually threw the suggestion to name it ‘Oatmeal‘ which would been way better for fuck sake.  You meet a guy named Oatmeal you know there is a great story behind that name. Calling him Frosty was just plain lazy. Peehole, Tincup, Chesty Larue, Beast, Oatmeal; now those are great nicknames and not just an observation like these boring-ass, unimaginative  kids.

While I have no understanding of the Nielsen system, I would bet a corncob pipe and button nose that if this special was named Peehole  the Snowman it would have tripled Frosty’s ratings over the last 1/2 century.  That’s Branding 101, people.

Anyway, the magic is in the hat that brings this Olaf-on-steroids to life. But why the pipe? Nowadays if you see a white guy with a top hat and a pipe you’re probably in a yoga class in Brookline listening to The Avett Brothers.  So, the kids become friends with the snowman, try to keep the creepy (most likely registered Level 3 sex offender) magician away from getting his magic hat back. They try to get Frosty to the North Pole to a save his life… blah, blah, blah, kids crying, Santa gets involved, he is made of magic Christmas Snow, he dies, comes back, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Bottom line, I fucking hate Frosty.  Its terrible.  If I was in this cartoon I would have thrown a Duraflame at him the minute I saw him. Bunch of naïve kids hanging around with a giant fat white guy? Sounds a lot like John Wayne Gacy if you ask me.

(Not to mention The Challenge is on MTV right now. Yeah I know.  Plus this year everyone is partnered up with family members. Can you imagine the fights? Shit I fight with my brothers over how many incompletions Brady had Sunday, never mind over competitions involving carrying a lemon in your ass cheeks for half a mile. In reality its must see TV this holiday season, even if only to see the broad that looks like cousin Leo from SeinfeldHELLO!)

the-challenge-bloodlines-2015-recap-premiere-there-will-be-blood

But I digress…

Final Grade on Frosty the Snowman:  F –

Just a really bad effort even for 1969 standards. Next week we get to some actual good shit.

 

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A Gift Givers Guide for the Ladies: Life of Burt Reynolds Auction Edition

Hey Ladies,

Let’s get something straight, “It’s the thought that matters” is an old holiday expression coined by losers that sucked at giving Christmas presents.  It’s December 9th already.  It’s time to get your heads out of your asses and start getting serious about honoring the men in your life to the fullest.  Don’t be a loser.

The bad news is that science has proven that shitty gift giving is a genetic predisposition that will haunt your life forever.  Fortunately for you, that doesn’t matter this year because every guy is asking for the same thing: something from The Life of Burt Reynolds collection.  No Malls, No crowds.  Just go ahead and spread out on your comfy couch with a glass of Riesling and a credit card, and let your imagination guide you.  I took the time to hand pick the best of the bunch for your and rated them using the Burt Reynolds Mustache Rating System:

Stache ratings 1 thru 5.

5 Staches being the greatest gift since they invented Jesus to add a little depth to the holiday.

BURT REYNOLDS 1952 PALM BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TROPHY

Trophy1“A football trophy presented to Burt Reynolds in 1952 from Palm Beach High School in Florida. The two-tier trophy features a metal football figure at top with an eagle figure mounted to the wood base. At the center of the trophy is an engraved metal plaque that reads “Buddy Reynolds/ All Southern/ Honorable Mention/ All State/ First Team/ All City/ First Team/ 1952.” Affixed to the base of the trophy is another metal plaque that reads “Palm Beach High School.”

Fantasy Football blows.  I’m in four leagues, they all suck. But if you’re telling me Burt Reynold’s 1952 High School trophy could potentially be starring on my mantle, I’m back in.  Grab this piece of hardware for your favorite guy and he’ll be at the top everyone’s league invite list next season. (AKA, you get to captain the remote control… and its Bravo marathon’s for the entire month of August.)

Gift Rating: 2 Staches

BURT REYNOLDS MARTINA NAVRATILOVA SIGNED AND INSCRIBED PHOTOGRAPH

Martina Burt

“A print of a black and white photograph featuring tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Navratilova has inscribed the photograph “Dear Burt- / this is where the/ action is!/ Martina” in black marker. Framed.”

Martina Navratilova, one of the greatest Tennis players ever and perhaps the first universally accepted gay athlete…telling the Wayne Gretzky of sex symbols that “This is where the action is” is the funniest thing these eyes have ever seen.  I am woefully immature, and ignorant.  So is the guy you’re trying to buy a gift for.

Gift Rating: 4 Staches

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