Voter’s Remorse

100 days in.  Remorse is growing stronger….

Written 1/12/17

————————–

I voted for Donald Trump.

I did.

Like (obviously) many Americans, I was/am ready for a change.  Like any Average Joe, I do not feel as if the country was doing the best it could for me and my family.  I am ready for change.

Step back a year.  As the election race evolved, I became weary.  I can’t vote for Hillary (certainly not Bernie) but reality -TV-crazy-man, Donald Trump, surely won’t win the nomination? No way. I’ll wait this out.  It will be fine.  Someone great will surface.

But s/he didn’t.  Months turned to weeks.  Weeks turned to days.  Holy shit.  Donald Trump is the Republican National Party’s nominee for President of the United States of America?

Ok.  Deep breath.  This could be a good thing?

Right?

Time for  a major change.  An evolution.  Turn things upside down.

Right?

That’s what I tried to buy in to.

As November grew closer I got more and more apprehensive.  Watching the Saturday Night Live-fodder made me even more nervous.  This guy is not built for President.  He is just a giant, orange, obnoxious, rich bully.  He is an asshole.  I hate him.  Everyone hates him.

After 3 debates, it was quite clear Hillary Rodham Clinton would be the (first woman) next President.  I was a bit apathetic, so I entered that voting booth and figured ‘What the hell, Donald.  Have my vote.  Doesn’t matter and anything is better than Hillary.  You can’t win anyway”.  

Right?

And then this shit actually happened.  He won.

Wow.  Well, maybe this is OK?

Right?

Healthy change in the country.  Cant be a bad thing?

Right?

And then I REALLY started to pay attention.  Like a moment of clarity, I was filled with regret.  This guy is a narcissistic, ego-maniacal, shallow, spoiled, childish asswipe…and he will be MY President.  What have I done?

While I am, by no means, an Obama guy, I reflect on where I sit as a human.  Love or hate his politics, Barack Obama appears to be a ‘good dude’.

Right?

A family man. A gentleman.  A good husband and father.  Classy.  The qualities I certainly aspire to possess.  Dare I say Barack Obama was certainly, “Presidential“?

And then I watched this presentation of the Medal of Freedom he bestowed upon his Veep, Joe Biden.  Like Mr. Obama, I am not necessarily a Biden guy either, but if I step back, Joe Biden is the guy you totally want to hang with.

Right?

Fun, funny, charming, charismatic and, most notably, good hearted.  Joe Biden is the guy you would be grilling burgers and sneaky smoking (legal) weed with on a Friday night.  He just is.

And isn’t that what America is about?  Isn’t that what you want a leader to be?  A person like you.  Relatable.  Basic. Kind.  Real.

Right?

And now we have this orange, soulless, baseless,  useless a-hole about to lead the free world.

Donald Trump is the guy who would cheap shot punch you during gym class when no one was looking?  He is guy that cuts you in the lunch line cause his Dad bought the team uniforms.  The guy that pays for his kid to be on the varsity team.  The guy that has no time for a couple Budweisers and some football talk with you.  The guy that actually makes fun of special needs people.  He is a fucking dickhead.  And I cast a vote for him…in the name of change.

And while I had/have no interest in Bill-ary leading our country…this guy?  Big mistake…and I aided it.  Why can’t we just have a “do over”?

Right?

So, I am sorry ladies and gentlemen.  We fucked up.  Can’t we all just poetically exclaim in unison”You’re fired!“?

Advertisements

TOP 10: What I would do with Tom Brady during his suspension…

The Greatest Football Player of All Time, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady (Christ, that might be the greatest freaking NAME of all time!) is about to be mortal.  He is about to become a regular person.  Human.

In the coming days, our beloved TB12 has to join the rest of us “fans” and simply sit back and watch the first 4 weeks of NFL action.  Tom will be sitting at home and watching HIS Patriots play their first four games like he was just another Joe (Montana).  It is hard to imagine.  Hard to digest.  Hard to believe.  And while this is a devastating blow to the Pats, this is the one team in professional sports that can likely manage it, even with TFB sidelined (insert gratuitous FUCK YOU, GOODELL!)

And so, got me thinking.  What to do during this black hole in Boston sports history?  Of course I will remain glued to the TV each week with the rest of you but also…what will Tom be doing?  Per his suspension he can have no contact with his teammates.  Can’t visit the stadium, sit on the sidelines, throw a pass, communicate in any way with anyone in the NFL. (Yeah sure.  As if Coach Bill and J McD don’t have more burner phones hidden than Anthony Weiner’s weiner)

Got thinking more – what would I do if I could spend these 4 weeks with Tom Brady?

(SIDEBAR: If Tom was ever actually willing to host a contest where one lucky fan could spend the suspension month with him, the funds raised would make the entire history of The Jimmy Fund Radiothon look like a 6 year old’s $.25/cup lemonade stand. He’d probably cure cancer too.  Just sayin’.)

What would you do with Tom if you got that opportunity?

The listing of possible activities is endless, but here is my top 10. (all entries are rooted in strict hetero-sexuality, I assure you)

10.  Grooming:

Lets get this one off the table, who would not want to assist in assembling the G.O.A.T. everyday?  What the hell kind of magic potions, ointments, soaps, shampoos, lotions, creams, etc. create that level of magnificence?  Even this new, ah hem, ‘interesting’ hair style.  So what.  I need to know.

Image result for tom brady new hair

9. Go to the mall:

Yup, I bet TB never can do this given his fame, but I want that experience.  I want to walk in to Structure and watch the heads turn.  I want to pepper spray oncoming crazed fans.  I want to be the one protecting him.  I want to hold his hand in the food court while waiting in line for an Orange Julius.

8.  Prank calls to Sports Radio:

I want to be the Bart Simpson or Baba Booey to these stations that loath the Patriots and Tommy Boy.  I would use Tom to legitimize the call and then scream drunken obscenities (see #5 before they could cut us off.  Then #12 and I would giggle and have a quick pillow fight before our next call to glory.

7Image result for karate in the garage

Enough said here.

6. Tandem-Bike-Ride (could be substituted for Motorcycle with sidecar, but whatever, whatever) -through-Boston-to-Duck-Boats-Sit-on-Good-Will-Hunting-Bench-for-3 -Hours-in-Silence

(or something generally along those lines)

5.  Drinking

Yes, I know, Tom is not completely fueled and energized by booze like the rest of Patriots Nation, but this is fantasy.  In this world, Tom and I hit the bottle hard…every afternoon.  And I’m not talking about ‘sitting around the house sipping on some Bad Larrys’-kind of drinking.  I mean bar hopping from Back Bay to Brighton to Barnstable.  I mean jello shots with every Barstool Smokeshow since 2010.  White Girl wasted.  Watching the Greatest throw up a little late night Moons Over My Hammie in a Denny’s parking lot would be a privilege and an honor.

4.  Get arrested…

…for streaking…at Gillette Stadium, but during a Revolution practice.  Cause…Fuck you twice Goodell!

Image result for streaker football game

3.  Visit a Michigan University Sorority House. 

Be like hunting with nuclear weapons.

Image result for michigan university sororities

2. Potato Sack Race Against the Manning Brothers (no, not you Cooper.  Sit back down)

Win, lose or draw the Mannings are going in those sacks and being thrown off the Tobin.

Image result for manning brothers

1. PLAY CATCH!  DUH!

Image result for tom brady playing catch

Period.

And so, may the month of September fly by as fast as the salmon of Capistrano!

GO PATS!!!!

 

Back to School

Image result for back to school funny

Dedicated to Botto, Ellen, Boogie, Skeets, Shauno and the rest of you dedicated educators

(Reblog from 2013, because laziness is the hallmark of starting school)

No matter your color, creed, political affiliation or ethnicity when you hear the phrase “back to school” it elicits an emotionFrom the time we can comprehend the concept until we are in our golden years those three words mean something to just about everyone; especially students, teachers and parents.  But even for those beyond the educational starting-line that is “back to school”, the expression conjures up some feeling be it past, present or future.  Every one of us has had to manage the passage of returning to school for some portion of our lives and later, many need to manage this annual happening with our offspring.

With the beginnings of another school year upon us again I began to think about the feelings that are mustered up when we hear those three little words  And so, here is my review of the emotional roller coaster we each ride over the course of our lifetime when we hear that timeless expression.

Age 7: Wonder & Excitement

First grade baby!  Are you kidding me?  What on earth is better than 1st grade?  You have already survived the politics and mind games that you surely confronted in kindergarten.  Now it’s time to party.  No more naps.  No more half days. You have your own little friend posse and you are ready to take it out for a spin.  First grade may be the last grade you enter with no real expectations or demands put upon you.  Show up, shut up and smile…you’ll get straight ‘A’s’.  Fact.

Age 11: Confusion & Uncertainty

Well, you have now dominated elementary school.  You have been to the top of the mountain.  King or Queen of that K-5 hill and now it’s time for the next chapter.  But, not so fast my friend.  It’s not that simple.  Not only are you entering into those years with perhaps the largest age bracket of punks, sneaks and (future) criminals, you are in an all-out war with your hormones.  For the fellas, they are noticing they are growing hair on more than their heads.  What is this?  Not to mention your voice sounds like you are the next of kin of Michael J. Fox and Peter Brady.  Oh and let’s not forget about your, ah hem, newfound acquaintance with your…never mind.  As for the young ladies, you are meeting two new close “friends” and not sure how you should manage their inauguration.  That’s all I really know about girls  (back then and now).  As for the academics?  Spanish?  Algebra?  More than ONE teacher to deal with?  How do I get out of this one?  Junior High sucks…on most levels.

Age 14: Fear & Loathing

Congratulations!  You have managed the daily minefield that was Junior High School but now it’s time to take off the training wheels.  It’s a brave new world. While you almost have your newfound adult form in check, you are now the littlest of tadpoles in the big pond.  For the young men, you are getting pounded by the upper classmen; on the field, in the gym, in the hallways, in the parking lot.  NO escape.  Your only saving grace is there are REAL women here for you to gawk at!  Yeowza!  No more wearing sweatpants to school.  I’ll leave it at that.  And for you poor freshmen girls…that is how you are viewed by your elders; ‘girls’.  Prepare yourself to be mocked ad nauseum by every single older female you come across.  They will judge your clothes, your hair, your shoes, your friends…everything.  Even if you are a squeaky clean all-American girl, you will be mocked and probably be rumored to have made out with the janitor, Carl, before Columbus Day.  For you early developing 9th grade ladies, I always hated you.  Why?  Because you were not wasting your time with a silly co-ed freshmen boy like me when the senior captain of the basketball team named ‘Scooter’ has just asked you to the prom during orientation.

Age 18: Hip Hip HOORAY!!!

You made it!  Graduated high school.  You can vote.  In some places you can drink!  You have big dreams and ambitions.  The world is your oyster.  Oh, here is the really good part for the lucky ones; COLLEGE baby!  On your own.  No more parents and curfews.  New friends to meet.  Ridiculous theme parties. Fraternities. Tailgates.  Awesomeness aplenty.  Going ‘back to school’ for the 18 year old is the apex of life…so far.  Breathe in that higher educational air, start an ultimate Frisbee game, and chug that beer!

Age 21: Depressed & Scared

Where the hell did college go?  What do you mean it’s over?  Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?  What do you mean I am not going ‘back to school’?  I need to pay my own bills?  What in God’s name is going on?  Even for you brainy slicksters that continue on to law, med or grad school, the joke is on you.  The school work is harder, the party has ended and, likely, so has your parents’ generosity.  For the rest of you, grab a helmet and welcome to the real world.  It sucks.

Age 30: Jealousy and Bitterness

You are likely at some mid-level job you hate.  You may have gotten married.  You may even have a kid or 2 of your own.  Life has become just too real to fathom.  When you see all those ads for ‘back to school’, you muster up intense feelings of envy and sadness.  You can finally appreciate just how awesome school really was compared to the ‘real world’.  You contemplate if there is any possible human way to turn back the clock?  There isn’t.  Put your head down…you are in for a long haul.

Age 40:  Hopefulness and Joy

By 40, you probably have a few kiddos of your own running around the school hallways.  You have channeled your previous anger and jealousy for the college years into positive feelings of hope and excitement for your children.  For many of us, ‘back to school’ is once again awesome…but for totally different reasons.  Those summer-time-dependents of yours are, once again, someone else’s problem for six hours a day for the next 10 months.  Break out the bubbly!

Age 50:  Oh Crap

By 50, you have two overpowering emotions that you have no idea how you will control and manage when ‘back to school’ is mentioned.  Number 1, my ‘baby’ is leaving for college and 2, how on God’s green earth am I going to pay for it? In a related story, you are middle aged and gross.  BOO!

Age 60: Oh well

The kids are grown up, moved on and no longer your problem; financial or otherwise.  ‘Back to school’?  Who cares?  We are headed for Boca come October anyway.

Age 80: Who’s going back to school?

No really?  I can’t hear very well.

In the immortal words of Billy Madison

“Oh, Back to school, back to school

To prove to Dad I’m not a fool

I’ve got my lunch packed up, my boots tighed tight

I hope I don’t get in a fight

Oh, Back to school, back to school…”

A ”Lochte” to hate about this Olympics

Police say Ryan Lochte, swimmers lied about alleged robbery

derp-67

Police said the swimmers were confronted by security guards carrying guns after leaving a party at the French hospitality house.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Rio police said on Thursday that four U.S. Olympic swimmers who claimed they were robbed at gunpoint fabricated their story to cover up for a drunken night that ended with them vandalizing a gas station bathroom.

“It seems that they lied,” said Fernando Veloso, chief of Rio’s civil police. “No robbery was committed against these athletes. They were not victims of the crimes they claimed.”

Veloso’s statements at a jam-packed afternoon news conference followed a chaotic and confusing week for the U.S. team and cast a pall over the final days of the 2016 Summer Olympics. What started as a case of U.S. athletes falling victim to Rio’s notorious crime could end up leaving a black eye instead on the four American medalists.

Early Sunday morning, Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were riding home from a party at France House — a restaurant/bar set up for the Olympics — when they said they were pulled over by men pretending to be police officers and were robbed. Lochte was the most explicit, saying one of the men put a gun to his forehead before taking their money.

Veloso gave a far different account. He said the four swimmers stopped at a gas station and one of them broke down the bathroom door and police found damage to a soap dispenser and a mirror.

The athletes were confronted by security officers, and they offered the gas station employees $20 and 100 Brazilian reais (about $33 U.S.). Veloso said the swimmers continued being belligerent, prompting a security officer to show his gun. But he said no excessive force was used and there was no way the swimmers could have interpreted the situation as a robbery.

There have been some pretty big fuck ups when we talk about celebrities (even half-ass fringe celebrities) doing stupid ass shit. Hugh Grant hiring a hooker that looked like Samuel L. Jackson on a good day.  Pee Wee Herman treating his own Herman to a good time in a public theater, The list goes on and on.  OJ, Aaron Hernandez, Rae Carruth, Evil Kanievel jumping over the canyon; all really fucking stupid things to do. Then we have a washed up reality show SWIMMER in the Olympics, which no one has even cared about since before Bruce Jenner stopped buying Goldbond powder.

Anyway, breaking this story down to the core is real simple.

  1. Shithead Swimmer  goes out and gets hammered with 3 other grape smugglers.

2.  On the way home they stop at gas station. The gas station won’t let them use the bathroom, so they piss all over the place.  As swimmers tend to do.

3.  Swimmers get in a fight with the attendant and break a door.

4.  So the head idiot swimmer decides “Hey guys I have this covered, We just tell them we got robbed at gun point.

Even for  a pancake brain like Lochte, making this allegation is completely moronic. How about the other 3 fucking idiots thinking “Yeah great idea Ryan nothing can go wrong with this plan”. This plan is equal to getting pulled over for a DUI and telling the cop “I wasn’t drinking, the booze drank me” (side note I’ve tried this it doesn’t work).

Here is how you explain Ryan Lochte.

Picture the United States as a giant High School. Ryan Lochte is stuffed in a locker, in the girls locker room. That’s it…end of comparison. We all know this guy is a fucking idiot. This shithead had a reality show on E! that was cancelled. You know how hard that is to do? For Christ sake that network will show basically anyone that will bang a black guy that plays a sport and that pansy wouldn’t even bother to blow Brittney Griner (USA WBBALL) to keep his show going. What a coward!

brittney-griner-doing-interview-160847_thumb_585x795

Okay here’s my favorite part of my blogs…They are the one liners that I love so much.

Things Lochtes buddies would have rather done that night then lie about being robbed

-Accompanied the North Korean losing athletes home to face Kim Jong Un

-Taken a dip in the Poop Ocean in RIO

-Tried to piece together all the severed limbs that wash up on RIOs beach

-Go to a gay club with some new friends they met from Syria

-Find Michael Phelps’ one other friend

-Try to help Bob Costas make those fudge cookies in his tree

-Help pay for all the abortions that will be needed just from the USA Basketball team

-Hang around with Brazils best known celebrity- The bubble bee guy on The Simpsons

41da10aa21ad0895037db3722d170553_simpBumblebeeMan_f_JPG-Climb up to the Jesus statue and find out its really The DUDE  from “The Big Lebowski”

-Chill with the Horse Dancing guys because…they gotta know how to party, right?

Lochte is so stupid he can’t finish a Highlights magazine.

He is so stupid he has Velcro shoes that match his wallet.

 He is so awful that his favorite sport is fucking swimming.

If Ryan Lochte was a cartoon character he would be fucking Millhouse from The Simpsons. Nobody needs him but if he is there no one notices anyway.

And so, just  go away Ryan.  Go crawl in a hole and leave productive humans alone. Or at least til you smoke some bath salts and eat someone’s face off like that kid in Florida. (Seriously did you see that shit? Way more entertaining then the Olympics.)

See you in 2020!

An Open Letter to Steele Johnson’s Dad

As former Blogger Cum Laude @therealdantobin stated eloquently during last night’s Olympic Men’s Synchronized Diving competition…

“You’ll always remember where you were when Steele Johnson entered your life. ‪#‎rio2016‬ ”

Steele Johnson.  What can we say?  The Man Named Steele captured the Olympic Silver Medal along with (“partner?”, “companion?”, “aero-soul mate?”, “splash dancing buddy?”) David Boudia last night in beautiful Rio.

If I know Olympic Synchronized Diving history, and I think I do, Ace and Gary should be famous for at least another 5, 4, 3, 2….yeah..sorry fellas…its over.  Congrats anyway.

The only diver I have EVER respected was Grand Lakes University legend, Thornton Melon.

thorton melon

Case closed.  Call me biased but until I see another Triple Lindy in an active diving competition, you boys are all just playing for second place in my book.

But back to our boy, Steele.  As I watched him weep and proclaim to the world he and Little Davey’s “identities were rooted in Christ“, I knew I loved what this crackerjack was all about.  I understood him.  I get it.

My next flurry of thoughts were what Daddy Johnson must be feeling at this moment?  The easy answer is ‘pride’.  The honest answer ‘shame’.  No Dad names their baby boy ‘Steele’ and envisions a lifetime of water-world-slap-n-tickle and Bible thumping whilst skipping down Copa Cabana beach in a speedo.  Those are the simply the facts.

I pictured that quaint Indiana delivery room in 1996 when Mama Steele gave birth…

Dad: “Oh my goodness!  It’s a son, Jill!”

Mom: “He is just perfect.  We should name him after you, Bill.”

Dad: “Don’t even think about it, woman.  This boy s destined for greatness.  For glory.  He needs to hold a moniker that exemplifies strength, unbendable courage and character.  Defines the unbreakable spirit of man.”

Mom: “What are you saying, Bill?”

Dad: “We shall call him….”Steele”.

And history was made.

My guess is for the next 5 years (until Bill realized Little Steeley was destined to be a Grape Smuggling Water Whacker) good ol’ Bill had grandiose visions of…

Steele, the Middle Linebacker

Steele, the Alligator Wrestler

Steele, the Bull Fighter

and the most obvious, “Steele Johnson: PORN STAR”

‘What’s that Steele?  You wanna be a Synchro Whatsie Who?’

And they say that Bill  Johnson’s heart shrank 3 sizes that day.

Take it from me…it’s no easy road for a competitive diver.  And an even harder road for your Dad.

Sincerely,

Chaz Osborn

Former National High School Champion

chaz osborn

P.S. USA USA USA!!!

 

 

Fun Friday Hypothetical

As I was attending the Lowell MENSA Chapter’s virtual meeting, AKA a Can I Be Frank & Crew Group Text, a thought provoking question was posed.  Our Editor in Chief, after whining about our content output, suggested that it would make for a good blog topic and I got guilt tripped into obliging.

 

I will first defend our content output by saying, we all live extremely busy lives.  I have a newborn and am in Zombie mode of far too little sleep and not nearly enough alcohol. For that reason I have a hard time stringing together two coherent sentences let alone putting words to a screen.  Pist is apparently convinced that Bernie Sanders is going to win the election and everything is going to be free, because he’s busy preparing for his third kid.  If Bernie doesn’t win those kids better be told early they’re digging ditches to pay for college because based on their father I don’t see a lot of athletic scholarships in their future, unless Jameson chugging becomes and NCAA sport.  Burkie besides having upwards of a dozen cats to care for, also has the problem of you can only write about waking up in some strange guy’s bed, wreaking of stale booze, vomit, Axe Body Spray, and shame so many times before it gets repetitive.  As for Tobes, has he actually ever written anything for this site???

 

I will now say part of the reason the guilt trip worked is I agree with our E.I.C. that we do need more content.  So in that vein of thinking this is my initial foray into what I hope will be a regularly occurring column.  It’s going to be called Fun Friday Hypothetical, where I will pose a riveting to our imaginary readers, that will hopefully cause debate amongst anyone you pose it to.  I will also breakdown what I feel are the most acceptable answers.  The entirely too optimistic plan is to do one of these a week.  I realize that we here at Can I Be Frank tend to be full of broken promises (I’m still waiting for Pist’s reviews of more Christmas Movies!!) so I wouldn’t hold my breath on the once a week idea, but we should be able to get them out at least once a month.
On to our question!! Your Fun Friday Hypothetical is the following:

 

You are on the top of a very tall building with no ledge around the roof.  The entire Kardashian/Jenner family and their significant others are along the edge of the roof looking down.  You are only allowed to push one, who will it be?
I’m going to rank them in reverse order of who I would push:

#11) Kendall Jenner – She is the only one that seems to have any kind of career that is not based entirely on the fact that her sister was funneling some guy’s hog and it got recorded.  She has a successful modeling career independent of the rest of them (I’m not saying her fame didn’t help her, but it seems she’d be successful without them) as a Calvin Klein model.  Has walked the runway in various designers fashion shows as well as the Victoria’s Secret show this past year.

 

#10) Rob Kardashian – When I think of Rob my initial thought is I feel sorry for him.  Then I think about his situation more and I realize the following thing.  He doesn’t leave the house, he just orders take out and eats and gets fat, which causes him to be sad about being fat, which causes him to eat his feelings away.  It’s a vicious cycle, yet he somehow managed to acquire a porn star girlfriend in the past 3 months.  Now two points about that  #1 Blac Chyna is not my particular cup of tea when it comes to women but I’m sure she appeals to some demographic of the 7 Billion people on this planet.  #2 It’s entirely possible she’s only dating you because her ex is fucking your sister (More on those two later) But still you’re a fat slob who doesn’t leave the house and managed to get a porn star girlfriend.  Fuck it we’re moving you up the list.

 

#10)  Tyga – I don’t know any of your music, I don’t want to know any of your music.  The only things I know about you are you’ve been fucking Kylie since she was like 16 and you used to date Blac Chyna.  Those two things are reason enough to warrant a foot in the small of your back, but we have bigger fish to fry.

 

#9) Scott Disick – I alternate between thinking he’s possibly the biggest douche on the planet and thinking he’d be hysterical to hang out with.  My guess is both things are true.  He’s living proof that to put up with all the bullshit you go through with the Kardashian Media Empire you have to use heavy, heavy drugs.

 

#8)  Kourtney Kardashian – The most intelligent thing she’s ever had come out of her mouth is Scott’s penis.  She’s the dumb sorority girl who reads and article about being vegan and decides to change her life, until she gets chicken on her burrito at Chipotle.  She comes across as wanting to be living a hippy bohemian life, until she sees a new Prada bag and has to get it.  You’ve divorced from Scott because he’s on drugs and a bad influence around your kids, well how about you get yourself the fuck off TV and actually live your life and work on your marriage instead of being under your mother’s thumb constantly?

 

#7) Caitlyn Jenner – As an unenlightened white male, I have some questions regarding Caitlyn’s transformation from Bruce that I don’t fully understand.  As far as I’m aware Caitlyn still has a penis, I get the premise that you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body, but where money is clearly not an obstacle; shouldn’t you go ahead and get the surgery?  Why are you still having that thing hang around? Are you tucking it like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, or are you taping it down?  It’s been 11 months since you announced you were becoming Caitlyn, it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  On a side note if I just declare that I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body does that mean I get to play the forward tees and play in the Ladies Cities?  Not saying I’m going to do that, I’m just saying that may be the best chance I have of winning the $100 bet I have with a certain Moriarty that I’ll never make the Cities.
Anyways you’re this high on the list not because of any gender issues, but because in the early stages of the Kardashian show, Bruce Jenner lent credibility to the rest of the nitwits you were living with.  People already knew who you were.  If Kris had married some non famous tennis instructor from Santa Monica instead of you, the show might never have gotten off the ground.

 

#6)  Rob Kardashian – See above, with the added bonus that you’ve taken over Khloe’s role of if we pushed you, your impact might cause an earthquake and take down the building with the rest of them on it.

 

#5)  Khloe Kardashian – This entry would have been a lot more fun to write 3 years ago when we could make fat jokes about her.  Now Khloe has transformed herself physically, and has the added bonus of half the women that watch the show still feel bad for her when everyone made fun of her for being fat.  But my Nana always taught me it’s what’s inside that counts, and for that she ranks this high. Your mother is for all intents and purposes the most reprehensible human being on the planet, and your biological father is currently inmate #1027820 in the Nevada Penal System.  You’ve tried 3 different spin off shows and all 3 have been failures because you’re not that interesting.  You seem determined to fuck as many NBA players as possible, but at least they’re getting more talented as they go.  You started with Rashad McCants  (D-League player) moved on to Lamar Odom and then James Harden.  The only way to redeem yourself is if you get back with Lamar and the two of you become this generation’s Whitney & Bobby.

 

#4) Kylie Jenner – She’s turning into Kim II, she’d be better off turning into Kim-Jon-Il.  How in God’s name does she have 52 million Instagram followers?  She’s never done anything.  Kim at least put out a porn video, she hasn’t even done that.  Congratulations you’re 18 years old and have had almost as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers did.  Pushing her might save a generation of 14-25 year old bimbos from thinking of her as a role model and you’d be doing them a favor.  Although you could make a fair argument that if they’re dumb enough to emulate her, then they don’t deserve to be saved.

 

#3)  Kanye West – A strong argument could be made for making him numero uno on this list but hear me out. #1. He’s possibly the world’s biggest jackass, but that doesn’t mean he’s not entertaining.  This is the man, who on live television said George Bush hated black people, and that’s not even one of the craziest things he’s ever done.  #2. He’s undeniably talented musically.  His College Drop-Out album is an all-time classic #3. His twitter account: When he says things like “Puff Daddy is the most important cultural figure in my life. His influence means everything to me” it makes a random Monday that much more tolerable.  Also when the man tweets out “Shut the fuck up and enjoy the greatness” I listen to him  #3a  His twitter account also allows him to beef with other people online, which is good because in real life he’d get his ass kicked. Seriously he’s like 5’8” 150 lbs, which is basically the same size as Tobes, and Tobes couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. When he beefs with people online you get little nuggets of information from the other people that provide endless comedic fodder, like when he went after Wiz Khalifa a couple weeks ago, and then he had a litany of ex-lovers talk about how Kanye liked to be fingered in the ass, and multiple girls testified to it.  So let’s keep Kanye around and instead push his bride.

 

#2)  Kim Kardashian – She sucks, both literally and figuratively.  She’s famous for absolutely no reason other than sucking Ray J’s dick.  She was running Paris Hilton’s errands 12 years ago, and now is a social media queen with over 40 million twitter followers.  Her tweets are all promoting either products she’s been paid to promote or herself.  She’s never been intentionally entertaining or funny a day in her life.  Seriously if she was forced to enter a talent show, what would her talent be?  She’s a complete waste of oxygen, and is the very definition of a load that should have been swallowed.  She’s basically a puppet with the strings being pulled by the only person more despicable than her.

 

#1)  Kris Jenner – the Queen of the Kardashian empire, she’s the one that pulls all the strings.  It’s entirely possible she’s the worst human being on the planet.  She exploits all her children and pretty soon her grandchildren every single chance she gets, in order to increase her well being.  She controls everything, how they are all perceived and spins everything to make them look the way she wants.  Let’s look at the following facts.  Her Daughter had a sex tape she starred in and she’s on record as saying as her manager she were thrilled about it.  She’s told her son that he’s too fat to be on TV and has basically shunned him until he lost weight so he could appear in public with the rest of the plastic family.  Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries was basically a sham encouraged by her so she could put a wedding on her TV show.  When her other daughter’s estranged husband suffered an overdose, she brought cameras with them to the hospital when they went to see him as he was in a medically induced coma.  Her youngest daughter at age 16 was fucking a 24 year old, but hey he’s a famous rapper so it’s ok, we’ll just keep him off camera until she turns 18.  If there’s a dollar to be wrung out of her children she’ll do it without a moment’s hesitation, and she doesn’t care what it does to her kids.  Also you have the added bonus of if you push Kris, there’s like a 70% chance that the rest of her family will follow her blindly, like they do everything else in life, and go over the edge after her like lemmings.

kardashian-jenner

You can’t really go wrong no matter who you decide to push

 

So there we have my case for our first Friday Fun Hypothetical.  You can agree to disagree as that’s what makes these questions fun.  If you’re one of the 4 people reading this please feel free to submit your own hypothetical.  If we choose yours Leah will buy you your first beer at the Catcher’s Mitt on Friday afternoon.