Fun Friday Hypothetical

As I was attending the Lowell MENSA Chapter’s virtual meeting, AKA a Can I Be Frank & Crew Group Text, a thought provoking question was posed.  Our Editor in Chief, after whining about our content output, suggested that it would make for a good blog topic and I got guilt tripped into obliging.

 

I will first defend our content output by saying, we all live extremely busy lives.  I have a newborn and am in Zombie mode of far too little sleep and not nearly enough alcohol. For that reason I have a hard time stringing together two coherent sentences let alone putting words to a screen.  Pist is apparently convinced that Bernie Sanders is going to win the election and everything is going to be free, because he’s busy preparing for his third kid.  If Bernie doesn’t win those kids better be told early they’re digging ditches to pay for college because based on their father I don’t see a lot of athletic scholarships in their future, unless Jameson chugging becomes and NCAA sport.  Burkie besides having upwards of a dozen cats to care for, also has the problem of you can only write about waking up in some strange guy’s bed, wreaking of stale booze, vomit, Axe Body Spray, and shame so many times before it gets repetitive.  As for Tobes, has he actually ever written anything for this site???

 

I will now say part of the reason the guilt trip worked is I agree with our E.I.C. that we do need more content.  So in that vein of thinking this is my initial foray into what I hope will be a regularly occurring column.  It’s going to be called Fun Friday Hypothetical, where I will pose a riveting to our imaginary readers, that will hopefully cause debate amongst anyone you pose it to.  I will also breakdown what I feel are the most acceptable answers.  The entirely too optimistic plan is to do one of these a week.  I realize that we here at Can I Be Frank tend to be full of broken promises (I’m still waiting for Pist’s reviews of more Christmas Movies!!) so I wouldn’t hold my breath on the once a week idea, but we should be able to get them out at least once a month.
On to our question!! Your Fun Friday Hypothetical is the following:

 

You are on the top of a very tall building with no ledge around the roof.  The entire Kardashian/Jenner family and their significant others are along the edge of the roof looking down.  You are only allowed to push one, who will it be?
I’m going to rank them in reverse order of who I would push:

#11) Kendall Jenner – She is the only one that seems to have any kind of career that is not based entirely on the fact that her sister was funneling some guy’s hog and it got recorded.  She has a successful modeling career independent of the rest of them (I’m not saying her fame didn’t help her, but it seems she’d be successful without them) as a Calvin Klein model.  Has walked the runway in various designers fashion shows as well as the Victoria’s Secret show this past year.

 

#10) Rob Kardashian – When I think of Rob my initial thought is I feel sorry for him.  Then I think about his situation more and I realize the following thing.  He doesn’t leave the house, he just orders take out and eats and gets fat, which causes him to be sad about being fat, which causes him to eat his feelings away.  It’s a vicious cycle, yet he somehow managed to acquire a porn star girlfriend in the past 3 months.  Now two points about that  #1 Blac Chyna is not my particular cup of tea when it comes to women but I’m sure she appeals to some demographic of the 7 Billion people on this planet.  #2 It’s entirely possible she’s only dating you because her ex is fucking your sister (More on those two later) But still you’re a fat slob who doesn’t leave the house and managed to get a porn star girlfriend.  Fuck it we’re moving you up the list.

 

#10)  Tyga – I don’t know any of your music, I don’t want to know any of your music.  The only things I know about you are you’ve been fucking Kylie since she was like 16 and you used to date Blac Chyna.  Those two things are reason enough to warrant a foot in the small of your back, but we have bigger fish to fry.

 

#9) Scott Disick – I alternate between thinking he’s possibly the biggest douche on the planet and thinking he’d be hysterical to hang out with.  My guess is both things are true.  He’s living proof that to put up with all the bullshit you go through with the Kardashian Media Empire you have to use heavy, heavy drugs.

 

#8)  Kourtney Kardashian – The most intelligent thing she’s ever had come out of her mouth is Scott’s penis.  She’s the dumb sorority girl who reads and article about being vegan and decides to change her life, until she gets chicken on her burrito at Chipotle.  She comes across as wanting to be living a hippy bohemian life, until she sees a new Prada bag and has to get it.  You’ve divorced from Scott because he’s on drugs and a bad influence around your kids, well how about you get yourself the fuck off TV and actually live your life and work on your marriage instead of being under your mother’s thumb constantly?

 

#7) Caitlyn Jenner – As an unenlightened white male, I have some questions regarding Caitlyn’s transformation from Bruce that I don’t fully understand.  As far as I’m aware Caitlyn still has a penis, I get the premise that you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body, but where money is clearly not an obstacle; shouldn’t you go ahead and get the surgery?  Why are you still having that thing hang around? Are you tucking it like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, or are you taping it down?  It’s been 11 months since you announced you were becoming Caitlyn, it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  On a side note if I just declare that I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body does that mean I get to play the forward tees and play in the Ladies Cities?  Not saying I’m going to do that, I’m just saying that may be the best chance I have of winning the $100 bet I have with a certain Moriarty that I’ll never make the Cities.
Anyways you’re this high on the list not because of any gender issues, but because in the early stages of the Kardashian show, Bruce Jenner lent credibility to the rest of the nitwits you were living with.  People already knew who you were.  If Kris had married some non famous tennis instructor from Santa Monica instead of you, the show might never have gotten off the ground.

 

#6)  Rob Kardashian – See above, with the added bonus that you’ve taken over Khloe’s role of if we pushed you, your impact might cause an earthquake and take down the building with the rest of them on it.

 

#5)  Khloe Kardashian – This entry would have been a lot more fun to write 3 years ago when we could make fat jokes about her.  Now Khloe has transformed herself physically, and has the added bonus of half the women that watch the show still feel bad for her when everyone made fun of her for being fat.  But my Nana always taught me it’s what’s inside that counts, and for that she ranks this high. Your mother is for all intents and purposes the most reprehensible human being on the planet, and your biological father is currently inmate #1027820 in the Nevada Penal System.  You’ve tried 3 different spin off shows and all 3 have been failures because you’re not that interesting.  You seem determined to fuck as many NBA players as possible, but at least they’re getting more talented as they go.  You started with Rashad McCants  (D-League player) moved on to Lamar Odom and then James Harden.  The only way to redeem yourself is if you get back with Lamar and the two of you become this generation’s Whitney & Bobby.

 

#4) Kylie Jenner – She’s turning into Kim II, she’d be better off turning into Kim-Jon-Il.  How in God’s name does she have 52 million Instagram followers?  She’s never done anything.  Kim at least put out a porn video, she hasn’t even done that.  Congratulations you’re 18 years old and have had almost as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers did.  Pushing her might save a generation of 14-25 year old bimbos from thinking of her as a role model and you’d be doing them a favor.  Although you could make a fair argument that if they’re dumb enough to emulate her, then they don’t deserve to be saved.

 

#3)  Kanye West – A strong argument could be made for making him numero uno on this list but hear me out. #1. He’s possibly the world’s biggest jackass, but that doesn’t mean he’s not entertaining.  This is the man, who on live television said George Bush hated black people, and that’s not even one of the craziest things he’s ever done.  #2. He’s undeniably talented musically.  His College Drop-Out album is an all-time classic #3. His twitter account: When he says things like “Puff Daddy is the most important cultural figure in my life. His influence means everything to me” it makes a random Monday that much more tolerable.  Also when the man tweets out “Shut the fuck up and enjoy the greatness” I listen to him  #3a  His twitter account also allows him to beef with other people online, which is good because in real life he’d get his ass kicked. Seriously he’s like 5’8” 150 lbs, which is basically the same size as Tobes, and Tobes couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. When he beefs with people online you get little nuggets of information from the other people that provide endless comedic fodder, like when he went after Wiz Khalifa a couple weeks ago, and then he had a litany of ex-lovers talk about how Kanye liked to be fingered in the ass, and multiple girls testified to it.  So let’s keep Kanye around and instead push his bride.

 

#2)  Kim Kardashian – She sucks, both literally and figuratively.  She’s famous for absolutely no reason other than sucking Ray J’s dick.  She was running Paris Hilton’s errands 12 years ago, and now is a social media queen with over 40 million twitter followers.  Her tweets are all promoting either products she’s been paid to promote or herself.  She’s never been intentionally entertaining or funny a day in her life.  Seriously if she was forced to enter a talent show, what would her talent be?  She’s a complete waste of oxygen, and is the very definition of a load that should have been swallowed.  She’s basically a puppet with the strings being pulled by the only person more despicable than her.

 

#1)  Kris Jenner – the Queen of the Kardashian empire, she’s the one that pulls all the strings.  It’s entirely possible she’s the worst human being on the planet.  She exploits all her children and pretty soon her grandchildren every single chance she gets, in order to increase her well being.  She controls everything, how they are all perceived and spins everything to make them look the way she wants.  Let’s look at the following facts.  Her Daughter had a sex tape she starred in and she’s on record as saying as her manager she were thrilled about it.  She’s told her son that he’s too fat to be on TV and has basically shunned him until he lost weight so he could appear in public with the rest of the plastic family.  Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries was basically a sham encouraged by her so she could put a wedding on her TV show.  When her other daughter’s estranged husband suffered an overdose, she brought cameras with them to the hospital when they went to see him as he was in a medically induced coma.  Her youngest daughter at age 16 was fucking a 24 year old, but hey he’s a famous rapper so it’s ok, we’ll just keep him off camera until she turns 18.  If there’s a dollar to be wrung out of her children she’ll do it without a moment’s hesitation, and she doesn’t care what it does to her kids.  Also you have the added bonus of if you push Kris, there’s like a 70% chance that the rest of her family will follow her blindly, like they do everything else in life, and go over the edge after her like lemmings.

kardashian-jenner

You can’t really go wrong no matter who you decide to push

 

So there we have my case for our first Friday Fun Hypothetical.  You can agree to disagree as that’s what makes these questions fun.  If you’re one of the 4 people reading this please feel free to submit your own hypothetical.  If we choose yours Leah will buy you your first beer at the Catcher’s Mitt on Friday afternoon.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

For the love of the game…

salute

As we embark upon one of the great sports weekends of the year (especially when it involves our beloved P-A-T-S) I wanted to pay some homage to some fellow Boston blogger homies.  I have done this “blog” thing for close to a decade.  I’ve made no $ from it, yet I compiled enough stuff to throw together a wildly unsuccessful book (I literally threw it together – didn’t even use spell check or punctuation) a few years back.  My wife is baffled by why I continue to do “this” and my answer is always the same; ‘I love it’.  I love to type out my thoughts, opinions and convictions.  Moreso, I love to (hopefully) get  laugh out of people from time to time.

I was first intrigued by the art of the blog by my fellow Holy Cross alum and ‘Sports Guy’, Bill Simmons.   I thought I wanted to be like Bill, but …nah.  Bill sold out (hell, maybe I would too, but).  Bill became Hollywood and (shaking my head) decided that professional basketball was his niche, as if NBA fans actually give a fiddler’s fuck about his white-ass opinions on hoops. Good call, chief.  Guys like me and #3 on the list below looked up to him and even reached out at various points for council; only to be snubbed and ignored.  I know you are crushing it, Mr. Black-like-me, but piss off.

I digress.

Listen, I have no false expectations of becoming a writer on SNL or Jimmy Fallon but I can’t let that stop me from doing it; so I do.  Running my yap about sports, life, TV, work, whatever is a great release.  41 years old with a wife and 3 kids throws a lot of responsibility on a dude; and this outlet lets me be that wiseass kid I once was, so GFY. Which leads me to the tribute of some others that have done the same’ only monetarily successful.

This is about the ‘little’ guys that are making it, in a BIG way.

Nick ‘Fitzy’ Stevens

Fitzy, as most know him, is THE Masshole (or his alter ego leads you to believe).  Via his Townie News and other outlets, Fitzy captures all things Boston sports; the Patriots in pah-ticu-lah.  This guy sneaky nails it – all the time.  Did you know he freakin roasted Dennis Rodman?  He made the Dean Martin Roasts look like sleep tapes (yeah, I said ‘tapes’).  Stellar.  His “press conferences”, “Shit that Pats Fans Say” and the rest of the videos are water cooler staples for us Bean Townahs.  They’re awesome.  He now has a gig on Comcast under his (supposedly) real identity Nick Stevens and does a great job.  But, like the spectators in the Coliseum in Gladiator, they cry for Fitzy.  Keep on keepin on, my good man. And GFY. @FitzyGFY

Jerry Thornton

As a fellow pasty white Irishman, I just like to root for Jerry at all costs.  I started following his fodder when he was contributing to Barstool Sports (stand by, El Pres, you’re next) with his ‘Knee Jerk Reactions’ (now Thornography on WEEI) and articles about how Irish you are on a green color wheel.  No flies on Jerry, he has the had the balls to do stand up comedy for 20 plus years; no small feat.  He is smart, insightful, knowledgeable and one-step-ahead-of-the-average shithead New Englandah with his bantah.  His self-admitted obsession with the Patriots and ‘Fan Boy’ crest he proudly wears makes him rock solid and validates his growing brand.  Jerry got his dream job with the WEEI afternoon boys a year ago and got to witness his beloved Pats win Super Bowl 49 as a part of the “media” and not just a spectatah.  Call him Fan Boy all you like; Jerry made it.  Good for you my super honkey brother from another honkey ass mother. @jerrythornton1

Dave ‘El Pres’ Portnoy

Tipping my cap as I type this, sir.  You are the Jedi Master of the sports/man/sicko blog.  I would argue you are the Jewish Rosa Parks of typing what we are all thinking; without caring about repercussions or public backlash.  El Presidente has always put his balls on the line and has never sold out.  And while he DID sell majority interest (yeah, only $10-15M, bitch) of his “baby”, Barstool Sports, last week he still calls the shots on content  and will undoubtedly keep us cringing with each post,  ‘Wake Up’, Guess That Ass and the rest.  El Pres doesn’t give a fuck; and that’s the secret sauce.  He is true to the craft and, moreso, his fans – and there are a shitload of them. @stoolpresidente

Salute, gents!

LETS GO PATS!!!

CIBF&C POWER RANKINGS: WORST MONDAYS OF THE YEAR

Come Monday

It’ll be alright…”

     -Jimmy Buffet

I’m calling huge bullshit here Jimmy.  Get back to San Francisco and sober up yourself and those Hush Puppies, chief.

Monday.  Just saying the word elicits an emotional reaction; mostly a negative or depressing one.  Monday is that that sadistic teacher that gives a pop quiz on a, well, Monday.  Monday is the overbearing, micro-managing boss looking for your TPS reports before you sit down at your desk.  Monday is the traffic jam.  Monday is the rain.  Monday is that coffee spill on your shirt.

Monday.  Sucks.

But as bad as almost each and every Monday is, there are some especially terrible ones we need to endure throughout the year (today being one of them).

Here are you rankings of THE WORST MONDAYS OF THE YEAR:

10.  Monday after a Screw-off-Friday

You ditched work/school for no good reason.  You may have played the fake sick card.  You may have just played hooky.  It feels so damn good when you are doing it, but you know there is going to be a price to pay.  Start thinking of excuses STAT.

9.  Monday after Thanksgiving

Coming off, what I consider, the best non-vacation week of the year, this one is hard to swallow.  You ate and drank way too much over the previous 5 days.  You need to start thinking about the anxiety of Christmas.  Oh, now you need to wear a jacket everyday.  Shit.

8.  The other 43 Mondays of the year not on this list

Yeah, all of them

7.  Monday with a hangover

While we can not assign an official calendar date these Mondays, we have all had them.  Perhaps you took it too deep at that cookout.  Went a little bat shit at the tailgate.  Perhaps an out of control Bar Mitzvah?  Doesn’t matter, staring down the barrel of a long week, you do not want to be staring down the barrel in your office trying to hold off the pukes.

6.  Monday starting a new job or school

Another date that may not occur on an annual basis, this is one of the worst.  Going into a new routine, new people, new boss/teacher/AA Sponsor….its all a giant ball of stress and now your anxiety has finally arrived.  This hallmark Monday deserves the middle finger and a Stone Cold Stunner.

 

5.  Monday with Guilt

Also known as ‘Apology  Monday’ another, unspecified date on calendar but we have all had these.  Most common in the college era of life, you wake up and know you need to face some demons.  You have a class with ‘that girl’ you made out with like the plane was going down in front of 63 people.  You have to see those dudes from the hockey house whose sink you pissed in.  You have to encounter the co-worker you drunkenly outed at the company outing Saturday afternoon.  It’s a Monday full of embarrassing “I’m sorry(ies)”.  Only remedy is bail on all commitments and just hide in bed. Time heals all.

5.  Monday (AKA Tuesday) after Labor Day

Obviously, this is not a real Monday, but you get the same feeling only worse.  Why?  Summer is officially over.  School is back in session.  All those ambitious projects you have been putting off in the name of ‘it’s summer, everyone relax’ are punching you dead in the face.  Thank God for football; the only thing that takes this sting out (See #1)

4.  Monday after Christmas*

This specific Monday ain’t all that bad.  You still have a few more ‘carefree’ days before the new year begins.  Everyone is faking it today and the rest of the week, but hey, its still freaking Monday and I would rather be in my Jam Jams watching cartoons and drinking hot chocolate/vodka.

3.  Monday after vacation

All vacations come to an end.  As refueled, re-energized and rested as you think you are, walking back in to the office, the classroom and any other obligatory location is the worst.  Insert pit in stomach.

2.  Monday after New Year’s *

This is a really bad (oh and look, it’s today!).  Excuses are gone.  Holiday cheer is dead.  Vacation is over.  Its time to get your shit together, Skippy, and it just plain sizzucks.

And our #1 Worst Monday of the Year is…..

1.  Monday after SuperBowl

Yes, this Monday get the #1 slot in our rankings.  Whether your team is in the Big Game or not, this Monday sucks the worst on a number of levels.  Football season is over. Its is freaking cold and snowy and no relief in sight.  It’s still dark out at 5PM.  There is nothing to do but sit inside and dwell on your misery (insert more of that hot vodka here).  No other sports to really give a shit about at this juncture.  But wait, look its Valentine’s Day!  Double Farts!

6 weeks until St. Patrick’s Day and March Madness.  8 weeks until The Masters.  12 weeks until you can even think about a golf club.  This really is the Grand Daddy of All Suck Ass Mondays.  You, Madam, are a giant bitch.  (NOTE: Add a SuperBowl loss by YOUR team – call the suicide hotline)

*Denotes this “Monday” can be alternate day of week depending on work/school schedule

So, yeah. Happy New Year.  Pffffftttttt.

Happy New Year!  We are all doomed!


And so as we close out half of this decade (am I the only one that thinks 1999 was like 3 years ago?) this evening, I thought I would offer a basic and easy-to-understand overview of the Presidential election landscape.  Politics is really not my thing – at all – but is this not the most bizarre field of candidates you have seen?  It’s more like a reality show than a run for the White House.

Anyway, here is a simple chapter and verse rundown of our future leader….

HILLARY CLINTON

Supporting Hillary is like supporting that stay-at-home, overbearing, bitchy PTO mom everyone hates but no one will say it even though she will ultimately screw you over and give half of those brownies you made away to the lunch lady for free at the annual bake sale.
BERNIE SANDERS

Supporting Bernie Sanders is like recreating Back to the Future. Doc Brown (Sanders) convinces naive Marty McFly (the American people) that stealing plutonium from Libyans in the name of scientific advancement could cost you your life. What does that mean? I don’t know either, but this guy is moon bat, shithouse crazy and needs a straight jacket.

DONALD TRUMP

Supporting Trump is basically sucking up to that snotty, pushy rich kid that had all the best toys, game and parties but you don’t really like him and he will inevitably screw you and everyone else over if given the chance.  HUGE!

JEB BUSH

Supporting Jeb Bush is the equivalent of becoming buddies with the head coach’s son cause you know you will make the team and get some varsity action. Just go along with what Daddy says and everything will be fine for you even if the rest of the team suffers.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

Supporting Chris Christie is like supporting pizza. Always seems like a good idea til you eat the whole fucking thing alone and now find yourself filled with regret (not to mention pizza)

AND….

As for the rest of the field….might as well flip a fricken’ coin. Who “sucks less” in this race is what we have on our hands.

Insightful, I know.

Vote your conscience because logic and reason won’t help you in November.

USA!! USA!! USA!!

HAPPY 2016!

Good night and God Bless, suckas!

After ELF: What Will Happen To Buddy Now?

White Christmas” – movie stinks, porno was pretty good.

“Miracle on 34th Street” – beat it Santa, this is a rough neighborhood for an old white dude.

“It’s a Wonderful Life” – never seen it, don’t want to.  Boo me all you want.

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas?” – getting warmer.

But the answer to the question: Greatest Christmas Movie?

ELF

For my frankincense, ELF is the best Christmas movie going.  It doesn’t even have swears, violence or nudity and I still love it.  Will Ferrell, and his ‘Buddy to Elf’ character, wearing stockings for 90 minutes and running around like a strung-out coke fiend is pure gold.  Not looking to play Siskel and the Dead Guy here but more so to express my concern for what happened to Buddy after the movie ended.

If you haven’t seen ELF (you should go straight to hell right now for starters), here is a quick summary.

Per IMDB…

Buddy (Will Ferrell) was accidentally transported to the North Pole as a toddler and raised to adulthood among Santa’s elves. Unable to shake the feeling that he doesn’t fit in, the adult Buddy travels to New York, in full elf uniform, in search of his real father. As it happens, this is Walter Hobbs (James Caan), a cynical businessman. After a DNA test proves this, Walter reluctantly attempts to start a relationship with the childlike Buddy with increasingly chaotic results.

You get the gist.  All ends well.  Buddy recognizes he is human, abandons the North Pole, reunites with his real Dad, woos the heart of a cute young lady and is now living amongst the humans in New York City.  The End.

Not so fast, midget.  It is not that simple.  Buddy has zero real life experience and suddenly is going to the live at the Top of the Food Chain; NYC?  No Elfin’ Way.  Think about all of the problems he is going to encounter once Sonny Corleone tells him to move out?

WORK:

Buddy has absolutely no skills except how to build an Etch-A-Sketch quasi-fast and decorate a damn Christmas Tree.  Sure that is helpful during the 30 days between Thanksgiving and Jesus’ birthday, but that’s it.  Come December 26, Buddy is in the unemployment line and God knows an Elf’s comp package is not going to be sufficient to survive in the Big Apple.  Before you know it, he’ll be on the street pimping himself out for Candy Canes and Maple Syrup.  Best case, he gets hired to be some type of weird fetish Elf sex slave for private parties by Asian businessmen, but that nevers end well.  Before you know it he is snorting Smarties off the fire hydrant in front of defunct FAO Schwartz,  giving Elf-jobs in the alley and screaming that he knows Santa Claus like a lunatic.  Buddy won’t see next Christmas at this rate.

PERSONAL:

Yes, he has a rich Dad and a seemingly nice Step Mom and Step Brother.  But you know how this will go, don’t you?  All of Buddy’s high energy, positive bullshit will get old, really fast.  Remember ‘Flowers in the Attic‘?  That’s what happens to step kids.  The real parent moves on with their life and the Steps get abandoned…or poisoned….or left to starve.  As it is, Buddy only lives on the four main food groups.

Now, lets just say that nice girlfriend says, “Hey Buddy, its OK, you can move in with me.”  How’s that going to go?  The guy can’t help with the rent.  He brings nothing to the conversation table except stories of fucking reindeer and woodshop.  Oh, and how about the bedroom?  Buddy has likely never had sex, right?  Even if he did, it was with a giggly midget she-elf (or SHELF) who probably cried rape to Papa Elf.  Let’s be real, if a man can’t bring home the bacon (or even Candy Corn) and doesn’t know how to use his ‘North Pole’; guess where he is headed?  Exactly.  Bye, bye Buddy.

And here we are again, Buddy is back on the streets trying to hitchhike a ride back to Santa’s Village in an attempt to re-insert himself back in to his old life like Richard Freaking Kimball in The Fugitive.  But guess what?  The Village doesn’t want you back, Big Boy.  You are a human.  They carried your ass for far too long.  Buddy, you are now a man without a country.

And so, I don’t want to drag everyone down just before the magical holiday of Christmas but, unfortunately, this tale does not end well.  In all likelihood, Buddy ends up on the business end of a long strand of licorice, hanging off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Please don’t make an ELF 2, Hollywood.  I beg you.  Leave well elf-nough alone.

But, here is a small, early Christmas gift from me to you…some of the best of ELF…

 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

I Fought A Dance Mom

Dance Moms.  Gross.  I have always heard bad things about your breed.  Then that eye-popping, nut-job reality show came out and it confirmed those rumors.  However, I have never had an up close and personal run in with you people until this week.  Hold that thought…

To jump into Marty McFly’s Delorean for a few seconds.  My only sibling and sister was big in to the dance stuff when she was young.  I (forcibly) attended more recitals than any boy should  – basically at the threat of violence from Dad and endless Irish guilt from Mom.  It was what it was.  150 girls ages 3-20 frolicking around a pressure cooker of a high school theater in June for what seemed to be days, but that would be an understatement.  The actual average length – start to finish – of a dance recital is a 13.5 days; on the low side.  Tell me I’m wrong?  Exactly.  Families and loved ones broil in their seats for seemingly an eternity to catch a whopping 4 minutes of  scantily clad 6 year old ‘Little Suzy’ spinning around the stage. It’s true, and you know it.

As I type this I realize some of my best friends are ‘Mothers of Dancers’ – BUT that doesn’t make them ‘Dance Moms’ – big difference.

‘Mothers of Dancers’ are just nice women that enjoy watching their little girls have some fun, learn a skill or 2 and have fun.  Did I mention “have fun”?  Women like my Mom and my wife.

‘Dance Moms’ are psychopathic, underachieving, soulless Nazis that are somehow living their “I always wanted to be a ballerina but My Mom never hugged me” dreams through their own kids.  Dance Moms are in it for the show.  Dance Moms are in it for themselves.  Dance Moms are in it to win it.  Excitedly slapping on enough makeup to embarrass Bozo the Clown coupled with an outfit that would make Lady Gaga blush…to a 5 year old.  Yes, you have some serious issues, madam.

Dance Moms are evil devil women.

I had an “encounter” with a Dance Mom 2 days ago.  My two daughters are taking a once-per-week class and having a ball.  It is leisurely and enjoyable.  This week is the Christmas show.  Awesome!  Excited to see them perform.  Wednesday was dress rehearsal.  Wife dropped them off and I was planning to pick them up.  This is when I met my new arch nemesis, ‘Debbie Dance Mom’ with the bad dye job and giant Adam’s Apple.

First off, I pull in to the high school parking lot and there is literally 247,000 cars flying in every direction.  Not only is dress rehearsal happening but every sports team from horseshoes to hockey  is practicing or has a game.  I am totally lost.  After unsuccessfully attempting to get in to about nine different entrances, I finally found where I needed to be.

Walk in and the hall is crowded with parents, volunteers and kids.  I notice the auditorium entrance is wide open and make my way inside to find my children.  Once inside, its total bedlam and I see the stage is flooded with kids including my 2.  Perfect, I’ll find a seat, watch the end of rehearsal and be on our way.

And then….

Here comes my new buddy ‘Debbie’ and here is what our “conversation” consisted of.

“Sir, sir….whar are you doing in here?” (in a loud angry voice)

“Excuse me?  I’m just here to scoop my kids, I…” I politely respond.

“Well, you can’t be in here.  There are girls changing and, and”

“OK, hold on,  I ‘m sorry.  I’ve never been here before.  Just looking for my daughters and…”

“Well, you need to get out of here, NOW.”

“Ok, ok I’m sorry.”

At this point she is throwing me out da Club, Gronk-style as if I had crawled in the heating vent with binoculars, a mustache and t-shirt  reading ‘Level 3, Yup, That’s Me!’)

But my embarrassment was starting to turn to anger.  My patience to frustration.  And her big, fat loud mouth was making matters worse.

As I exited the auditorium feeling like a Peeping Tom, I felt the eyes of these other parents wash over me as if I was headed for the Principal’s office.

I was almost in a state of shock.  What the mother effer was that?  There was no need for her to attack me?  And just as I was wrapping my brain around this episode, it continued.

‘Debbie’ did not realize I was still just a few steps away from her and she proceeded to relay what happened, again in that loud, assholey voice, to the entire atrium.

Do you believe this Dad just walked right in the middle of things?  There are girls changing and he paraded right down to the….”

And that is when I saw red and this slob was going to get piece of my mind.

Hey!”  I quipped as I ducked back around the corner in to her line of sight, “I am RIGHT HERE!”

Without a flinch, she comes back at me with “Yeah, I see you there.”

Oh man, I wanted to morph in to Ike Turner at that moment.

Look, lady (nothing more demeaning than throwing “Lady” at someone), I apologized.  I’ve never been here. The doors are wide open and none of these nice people corrected me.  NO need for this behavior.  Put up a sign or something!”

Well, guess what, I’m the sign!” she fired back.

Now I was having blurry visions of OJ.

BUT, before things got really out of hand, I simply smiled at her smug, ruddy face and excused myself from the building to cool off.  Also, I naturally needed to check my windowless, white van with ‘FREE CANDY, Puppies and Unicorns’ spray painted across it – cause, ya know, I am a pedophile according to this crazy broad.

Called home.  Exploded the story to the Mrs. and then I just let it go.  Went back inside, politely greeted my kids and headed out.

The ultimate validation was, as I was leaving, a “Mother of a Dancer” chased me down and told me how out of line ‘Debbie’ was.  I thanked her and never looked back.

Keep your head on a swivel this season, Debbie.  Christmas may come early for you, if you know what I am saying?