The Juice is Loose…on Twitter

Grab the popcorn, folks, cause this is gonna be fun.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Orenthal James “OJ” Simpson has joined Twitter. (ok, that was a link to my feed – just click “Follow” and we will move on)

 

To follow the REAL Juice, here it is TheRealOJ32

And faster that you can utter the phrase “If the glove don’t fit, you must….” OJ has over 600,000 followers!

Wow.  What does that say about the world?  Simple, we all want to be entertained and I have a hunch ol’ #32 will bring that to the ‘Sphere.  So far, OJ has posted three short selfie videos.  The very first one is most intriguing when he proclaims he’s “got a little getting even to do…”

And what do you mean by that does that mean, Mr. Simpson?

Also, how about the fact he makes this big announcement almost exactly 25 years to the day he was alleged (and I by alleged, we all know he did it) to have brutally murdered two people.  We see what you are doing Juice.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t take a stab (oops) at mocking this new gift granted to our social media lives.

So let join in the revelry with some early ones I have heard,…

“OJ will be using Slashtags instead of Hashtags”

“Surprised he didn’t use the handle @IDidIt”

“His first follower was the LA Police Department.”

“Sure, OJ is on Twitter but that is not gonna drag me away from Judge Ito’s Instagram”

“OJ and Twitter go together like a hunting knife and leather gloves.”

And the jokes could go one forever.  Won’t even begin the long line of Kardashian quips that could be made (yet).

So, highly suggest you give the 71 year old future Hell of Famer a follow.  Its sure to be interesting.

Personally, I prefer to remember ‘the-pre-double-murder-silly-clumsy-Naked Gun Nordberg’ OJ Simpson

 

P.S. Imagine that fact that OJ isn’t even the worst guy in this picture?

P.P.S. My Dad said “he was a nice guy” when he met him earlier this year BUT I am also pretty sure OJ gave him cancer.  Can’t prove it.

A ”Lochte” to hate about this Olympics

Police say Ryan Lochte, swimmers lied about alleged robbery

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Police said the swimmers were confronted by security guards carrying guns after leaving a party at the French hospitality house.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Rio police said on Thursday that four U.S. Olympic swimmers who claimed they were robbed at gunpoint fabricated their story to cover up for a drunken night that ended with them vandalizing a gas station bathroom.

“It seems that they lied,” said Fernando Veloso, chief of Rio’s civil police. “No robbery was committed against these athletes. They were not victims of the crimes they claimed.”

Veloso’s statements at a jam-packed afternoon news conference followed a chaotic and confusing week for the U.S. team and cast a pall over the final days of the 2016 Summer Olympics. What started as a case of U.S. athletes falling victim to Rio’s notorious crime could end up leaving a black eye instead on the four American medalists.

Early Sunday morning, Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were riding home from a party at France House — a restaurant/bar set up for the Olympics — when they said they were pulled over by men pretending to be police officers and were robbed. Lochte was the most explicit, saying one of the men put a gun to his forehead before taking their money.

Veloso gave a far different account. He said the four swimmers stopped at a gas station and one of them broke down the bathroom door and police found damage to a soap dispenser and a mirror.

The athletes were confronted by security officers, and they offered the gas station employees $20 and 100 Brazilian reais (about $33 U.S.). Veloso said the swimmers continued being belligerent, prompting a security officer to show his gun. But he said no excessive force was used and there was no way the swimmers could have interpreted the situation as a robbery.

There have been some pretty big fuck ups when we talk about celebrities (even half-ass fringe celebrities) doing stupid ass shit. Hugh Grant hiring a hooker that looked like Samuel L. Jackson on a good day.  Pee Wee Herman treating his own Herman to a good time in a public theater, The list goes on and on.  OJ, Aaron Hernandez, Rae Carruth, Evil Kanievel jumping over the canyon; all really fucking stupid things to do. Then we have a washed up reality show SWIMMER in the Olympics, which no one has even cared about since before Bruce Jenner stopped buying Goldbond powder.

Anyway, breaking this story down to the core is real simple.

  1. Shithead Swimmer  goes out and gets hammered with 3 other grape smugglers.

2.  On the way home they stop at gas station. The gas station won’t let them use the bathroom, so they piss all over the place.  As swimmers tend to do.

3.  Swimmers get in a fight with the attendant and break a door.

4.  So the head idiot swimmer decides “Hey guys I have this covered, We just tell them we got robbed at gun point.

Even for  a pancake brain like Lochte, making this allegation is completely moronic. How about the other 3 fucking idiots thinking “Yeah great idea Ryan nothing can go wrong with this plan”. This plan is equal to getting pulled over for a DUI and telling the cop “I wasn’t drinking, the booze drank me” (side note I’ve tried this it doesn’t work).

Here is how you explain Ryan Lochte.

Picture the United States as a giant High School. Ryan Lochte is stuffed in a locker, in the girls locker room. That’s it…end of comparison. We all know this guy is a fucking idiot. This shithead had a reality show on E! that was cancelled. You know how hard that is to do? For Christ sake that network will show basically anyone that will bang a black guy that plays a sport and that pansy wouldn’t even bother to blow Brittney Griner (USA WBBALL) to keep his show going. What a coward!

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Okay here’s my favorite part of my blogs…They are the one liners that I love so much.

Things Lochtes buddies would have rather done that night then lie about being robbed

-Accompanied the North Korean losing athletes home to face Kim Jong Un

-Taken a dip in the Poop Ocean in RIO

-Tried to piece together all the severed limbs that wash up on RIOs beach

-Go to a gay club with some new friends they met from Syria

-Find Michael Phelps’ one other friend

-Try to help Bob Costas make those fudge cookies in his tree

-Help pay for all the abortions that will be needed just from the USA Basketball team

-Hang around with Brazils best known celebrity- The bubble bee guy on The Simpsons

41da10aa21ad0895037db3722d170553_simpBumblebeeMan_f_JPG-Climb up to the Jesus statue and find out its really The DUDE  from “The Big Lebowski”

-Chill with the Horse Dancing guys because…they gotta know how to party, right?

Lochte is so stupid he can’t finish a Highlights magazine.

He is so stupid he has Velcro shoes that match his wallet.

 He is so awful that his favorite sport is fucking swimming.

If Ryan Lochte was a cartoon character he would be fucking Millhouse from The Simpsons. Nobody needs him but if he is there no one notices anyway.

And so, just  go away Ryan.  Go crawl in a hole and leave productive humans alone. Or at least til you smoke some bath salts and eat someone’s face off like that kid in Florida. (Seriously did you see that shit? Way more entertaining then the Olympics.)

See you in 2020!

An Open Letter to Steele Johnson’s Dad

As former Blogger Cum Laude @therealdantobin stated eloquently during last night’s Olympic Men’s Synchronized Diving competition…

“You’ll always remember where you were when Steele Johnson entered your life. ‪#‎rio2016‬ ”

Steele Johnson.  What can we say?  The Man Named Steele captured the Olympic Silver Medal along with (“partner?”, “companion?”, “aero-soul mate?”, “splash dancing buddy?”) David Boudia last night in beautiful Rio.

If I know Olympic Synchronized Diving history, and I think I do, Ace and Gary should be famous for at least another 5, 4, 3, 2….yeah..sorry fellas…its over.  Congrats anyway.

The only diver I have EVER respected was Grand Lakes University legend, Thornton Melon.

thorton melon

Case closed.  Call me biased but until I see another Triple Lindy in an active diving competition, you boys are all just playing for second place in my book.

But back to our boy, Steele.  As I watched him weep and proclaim to the world he and Little Davey’s “identities were rooted in Christ“, I knew I loved what this crackerjack was all about.  I understood him.  I get it.

My next flurry of thoughts were what Daddy Johnson must be feeling at this moment?  The easy answer is ‘pride’.  The honest answer ‘shame’.  No Dad names their baby boy ‘Steele’ and envisions a lifetime of water-world-slap-n-tickle and Bible thumping whilst skipping down Copa Cabana beach in a speedo.  Those are the simply the facts.

I pictured that quaint Indiana delivery room in 1996 when Mama Steele gave birth…

Dad: “Oh my goodness!  It’s a son, Jill!”

Mom: “He is just perfect.  We should name him after you, Bill.”

Dad: “Don’t even think about it, woman.  This boy s destined for greatness.  For glory.  He needs to hold a moniker that exemplifies strength, unbendable courage and character.  Defines the unbreakable spirit of man.”

Mom: “What are you saying, Bill?”

Dad: “We shall call him….”Steele”.

And history was made.

My guess is for the next 5 years (until Bill realized Little Steeley was destined to be a Grape Smuggling Water Whacker) good ol’ Bill had grandiose visions of…

Steele, the Middle Linebacker

Steele, the Alligator Wrestler

Steele, the Bull Fighter

and the most obvious, “Steele Johnson: PORN STAR”

‘What’s that Steele?  You wanna be a Synchro Whatsie Who?’

And they say that Bill  Johnson’s heart shrank 3 sizes that day.

Take it from me…it’s no easy road for a competitive diver.  And an even harder road for your Dad.

Sincerely,

Chaz Osborn

Former National High School Champion

chaz osborn

P.S. USA USA USA!!!

 

 

Pats-Colts: The Only Way We Will Be Satisfied is if…

Welp, “the game” is finally here.  Sunday night, Tom ‘FUC’king (Fuck You Colts) Brady and the Patriots travel to Indianapolis to exact revenge against the weasels that were the root cause of the greatest, most shameful sham in sports history, “DeflateGate”.

Unless you live is Crazistan, you know exactly what I am referring to.  Colts accuse Brady of deflating footballs to illegal air pressure level resulting in his enhanced performance during the AFC Championship game last January.  Total and utter horseshit (or Colt-shit, I suppose).  That’s all I can say because it causes a visceral reaction in me due to its stupidity and my blood pressure is already a health concern.

Anyway, we all know the story.  But now, the time has come. After all the noise from the media, NFL Owners, soon-to-be-unemployed Commissioner Roger Goodell, and Indianapolis sports hack writer, Gregg Doyel, its simply time to play football.  Early predictions are not pretty for Indy.  Colts poster boy Andrew Luck is not healthy and, even though he plans to start the game at QB, he is not 100% which only enhances the case for the Patriots winning….and winning HUGE.

Enough of my shitty sports babble.  I started to ponder what could possibly meet Patriots’ fans expectations?  I don’t think a Pats runaway victory will satisfy us.  Not at all.  I think Patriot Nation is looking for something biblical.  Something epic.  Something impossible to happen.  And why not?  Let’s be candid, TFB and the boys are going to destroy this substandard team, but let’s use our imagination for a second.

What could happen Sunday night that would truly make us believe that justice has been served?

I polled ‘The Crew’ and here is our compilation….

(DISCLAIMER: We do not actually wish any bodily harm on anyone.  Colts players, staff ownership or otherwise.  This is supposed to be funny.  I am explaining this in case any of you slow-witted Shit kicking mid-westerners happen to read this column)

  • Andrew Luck spontaneously combusts and somehow Peyton Manning comes in as the backup (because of what Hasselback did – see below).  First play, his arm falls off as he throws interception to Tom Brady, who is now amazingly playing defense because he is bored.  Brady then walks by the now one-armed Manning and sings over his body, ‘Chicken Parm, you taste so good!”

  • Julian Edelman plays quarterback for the entire 4th quarter because Pats are up by 63.
  • Upon a landslide win, the collective force of all the Colts disappointment seeping out of the roof of Lucas Oil Satdium causes their fleet of AFC Runner Up banners to break from the rafters, falling to field and suffocates Irsay, Grigson and Pagano….because no one could hear their cries for help due to the fake crowd noise.
  • Somehow Bill Belicheck convinces Adam Vinitieri to come back to New England during the game and he kicks a meaningless last minute field goal to seal a Patriots victory…86-6.  ITS GOOD!!!

  • Colts Owner Jim Irsay and Patriots Owner Bob Kraft have a full on WWE wrestling match in a cage above the field during halftime.  Kraft, wearing his usual white-collar-blue shirt duds, wins with a Stone Cold (Steve Austin) Stunner, pounds 2 Budweisers that Gronk has thrown him and throw cans on Irsay’s unconscious body.
  • Chuck Pagano cries.  Again.
  • (Boston native) Colts’ Backup QB Matt Hasselback shows up dressed in Patriots uniform.  Takes a dump on the 50 yard line.
  • Upon scoring yet another goal line quarterback sneak touchdown, Brady heads for the goal post, pulls out a prescription pill bottle, whacks back the whole bottle and points up to Owner’s box. (by the way, the bottle was simply filled with Awesomeness.)

  • Following victory, Kraft BUYS the Colts and immediately moves the team back to Baltimore….Sunday night….via train.
  • During Post-Game Press Conference, the usually mute Bill Belicheck does a full on gangsta rap whereby be announces he had sex with Colts fat shit GM Ryan Grigson’s wife.  It would rhyme of course.

OK, maybe we have high hopes, but hey, we will need something to think about once we are up 50 at the half.

To paraphrase Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glenross, “I’d wish you Luck, Baltimore, but you wouldn’t’ know what to do with it.”

Indianapolis Colts: “What’s your name?”

New England Patriots: “Fuck you.  THAT’S my name.”

Sandoval Suspended for creeping Instagram during game

Last week Pablo Sandoval excused himself during a Sox/Braves game to go use the restroom. And instead of bringing a newspaper or maybe some notes on the game, he decided to hop on his cell and check out what was on Instagram. Seems harmless, right? And, while taking care of his buisness, Pablo happened to like two of user “diva_legacy”‘s photos. Once again, seems harmless, right?

Well Pablo got called out. Our tattletale boy Jared called out Pablo for being on Instagram during the game, which the Sox did go on to lose. For this “ungentlemanly” behavior, and use of a cell phone during the game, Sandoval was suspended for a game.

  
Can I Just Be Frank here (see what I did there) and say that with a history of fried chicken, beer, and gambling, or even “Manny being Manny” running off the field to use the john, we’re really going to chastise a player for scrolling through his phone while using the bathroom? I mean…. It’s not like he’s just sitting there in the dugout tweeting. Who would even blame him if he was? With a record like ours I’d be trolling the Interwebs too.