Welp, “the game” is finally here. Sunday night, Tom ‘FUC’king (Fuck You Colts) Brady and the Patriots travel to Indianapolis to exact revenge against the weasels that were the root cause of the greatest, most shameful sham in sports history, “DeflateGate”.
Unless you live is Crazistan, you know exactly what I am referring to. Colts accuse Brady of deflating footballs to illegal air pressure level resulting in his enhanced performance during the AFC Championship game last January. Total and utter horseshit (or Colt-shit, I suppose). That’s all I can say because it causes a visceral reaction in me due to its stupidity and my blood pressure is already a health concern.
Anyway, we all know the story. But now, the time has come. After all the noise from the media, NFL Owners, soon-to-be-unemployed Commissioner Roger Goodell, and Indianapolis sports hack writer, Gregg Doyel, its simply time to play football. Early predictions are not pretty for Indy. Colts poster boy Andrew Luck is not healthy and, even though he plans to start the game at QB, he is not 100% which only enhances the case for the Patriots winning….and winning HUGE.
Enough of my shitty sports babble. I started to ponder what could possibly meet Patriots’ fans expectations? I don’t think a Pats runaway victory will satisfy us. Not at all. I think Patriot Nation is looking for something biblical. Something epic. Something impossible to happen. And why not? Let’s be candid, TFB and the boys are going to destroy this substandard team, but let’s use our imagination for a second.
What could happen Sunday night that would truly make us believe that justice has been served?
I polled ‘The Crew’ and here is our compilation….
(DISCLAIMER: We do not actually wish any bodily harm on anyone. Colts players, staff ownership or otherwise. This is supposed to be funny. I am explaining this in case any of you slow-witted Shit kicking mid-westerners happen to read this column)
- Andrew Luck spontaneously combusts and somehow Peyton Manning comes in as the backup (because of what Hasselback did – see below). First play, his arm falls off as he throws interception to Tom Brady, who is now amazingly playing defense because he is bored. Brady then walks by the now one-armed Manning and sings over his body, ‘Chicken Parm, you taste so good!”
- Julian Edelman plays quarterback for the entire 4th quarter because Pats are up by 63.
- Upon a landslide win, the collective force of all the Colts disappointment seeping out of the roof of Lucas Oil Satdium causes their fleet of AFC Runner Up banners to break from the rafters, falling to field and suffocates Irsay, Grigson and Pagano….because no one could hear their cries for help due to the fake crowd noise.
- Somehow Bill Belicheck convinces Adam Vinitieri to come back to New England during the game and he kicks a meaningless last minute field goal to seal a Patriots victory…86-6. ITS GOOD!!!
- Colts Owner Jim Irsay and Patriots Owner Bob Kraft have a full on WWE wrestling match in a cage above the field during halftime. Kraft, wearing his usual white-collar-blue shirt duds, wins with a Stone Cold (Steve Austin) Stunner, pounds 2 Budweisers that Gronk has thrown him and throw cans on Irsay’s unconscious body.
- Chuck Pagano cries. Again.
- (Boston native) Colts’ Backup QB Matt Hasselback shows up dressed in Patriots uniform. Takes a dump on the 50 yard line.
- Upon scoring yet another goal line quarterback sneak touchdown, Brady heads for the goal post, pulls out a prescription pill bottle, whacks back the whole bottle and points up to Owner’s box. (by the way, the bottle was simply filled with Awesomeness.)
- Following victory, Kraft BUYS the Colts and immediately moves the team back to Baltimore….Sunday night….via train.
- During Post-Game Press Conference, the usually mute Bill Belicheck does a full on gangsta rap whereby be announces he had sex with Colts fat shit GM Ryan Grigson’s wife. It would rhyme of course.
OK, maybe we have high hopes, but hey, we will need something to think about once we are up 50 at the half.
To paraphrase Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glenross, “I’d wish you Luck, Baltimore, but you wouldn’t’ know what to do with it.”
Indianapolis Colts: “What’s your name?”
New England Patriots: “Fuck you. THAT’S my name.”