12 Days of Xmas Gift Giving Guide- Cat Lady Edition

Since I’m being constantly bombarded by all my fans (…. Is anyone even reading this???) during the holiday season to know what to get for the “it girl” who just has everything, I figured I would step up to the plate and share my Xmas wish list. Who better to help shop for your mom, girlfriend, nana, etc than me!? So without any further ado, I present to you Burkie’s Best Buys for Xmas 2015:
1: Golden Girls granny panties

   women of all ages love the golden girls. It’s one thing we can all agree on. The shenanigans those old biddies get into just get me into stitches. What else do we love? A pair of giant undies to wear when we’re home watching a GG DVR marathon. Feeling a little frisky? Wear your Blanche bloomers!
2: Anything from the Meowington website.  

  

Just spend 5 minutes and revel in the cat jewelry and clothing being offered on this website. Not to mention the cozy cat pillows ideal for snuggling with your 4-legged BFF while knitting a blanket.
3: Poo pourri. 

Seriously this is brilliant, and everyone should know/have/use this. Tis the season for numerous holiday parties and loads of great food. Who wants to stink the office bathroom after a massive scallop-and-bacon binge?? (Unless of course, it’s a unisex bathroom, which you can blame IBS Gary for) Poopourri to the rescue. Fits in your purse too!
4: Cat costumes!! 

 Nothing gets me more giddy than seeing a cat in clothing. Cuteness overload!!! Make sure to send tons of snapchats to everyone in your contact list.
5: Hidden flask mittens. 

  Anyone who’s anyone (okay, anyone who’s a drunk) will have these on their wish list! Perfect for nips of peppermint schnapps at the stupid Santa parade that’s been a family tradition since you were in a stroller, or for a brisk day leaving the job and don’t feel like sitting on the train home listening to someone else’s phone conversation while stone cold sober. I’ve been told this is a personal favorite of @pistoffirishman who has been seen wearing these while sitting on the family couch.
6: Boyfriend pillow.

Feeling lonely? Need a cuddle? Look no further. Formerly a favorite of Jennifer Anniston’s when she had her 10 year dry spell, now all women everywhere are catching on to the trend and cuddling up to the perfect man. Handsome and silent, God bless.
7: Wine bag,  

For the classiest woman at the back corner of the work/family Xmas party. For those tired of socializing with the snobs at who pretend they know anything about what region or vintage their overpriced wine comes from, grab this and the tray of scallops wrapped in bacon (make sure you have your pooporri) and have yourself a merry little tipsy Christmas. No one will even know you swapped your Coach bag for this classy arm candy.
8: Emoji keyboard.  

 How mad do you get while writing an email to a coworker and being forced to do the ancient “J” as a smiley face or the totally uncool “:-(” frowny face. Give ’em the ole 💯💯💯💯💯 with this keyboard.
9: Lotus Cat Furniture

For the “refined feline” as the site says, Lotus cat furniture will add sleek style to your over hoarded cat hair covered one bedroom apartment. Impress the pizza delivery guy with your home decorating skills!


10: I Robot vacuum.  

 This is a multi use gift. Cleans cat hair, plusssss you can put your kitten on it while wearing it’s new costume and you have minutes of pure cat-blissed entertainment.


11: Ugg slippers.  

Not only does our Lord and Savior Tom Brady endorse these cloud-like foot pillows, but they’re great for indoors AND outdoors. Perfect for trekking the kitty litter to the trash barrel outside.
12: Brookstone Personal massager.  

The worst part of living alone or with a cat is that they simply just can’t reach those hard to scratch urges itches. Just turn this sucker on and you’ll feel … Soo…. Relaxed…. Like…. Really relaxed ……….. Catch my drift, pervvies?

So there you have it. A Christmas wish list that covers all your bases and, might I add, some pretty darn clever items too at that. The best part? You can buy all this crap online!!! Never leave your apartment again my lazy friends! Til next time,
Kisses and cat hair,

Burkie

Pats-Colts: The Only Way We Will Be Satisfied is if…

Welp, “the game” is finally here.  Sunday night, Tom ‘FUC’king (Fuck You Colts) Brady and the Patriots travel to Indianapolis to exact revenge against the weasels that were the root cause of the greatest, most shameful sham in sports history, “DeflateGate”.

Unless you live is Crazistan, you know exactly what I am referring to.  Colts accuse Brady of deflating footballs to illegal air pressure level resulting in his enhanced performance during the AFC Championship game last January.  Total and utter horseshit (or Colt-shit, I suppose).  That’s all I can say because it causes a visceral reaction in me due to its stupidity and my blood pressure is already a health concern.

Anyway, we all know the story.  But now, the time has come. After all the noise from the media, NFL Owners, soon-to-be-unemployed Commissioner Roger Goodell, and Indianapolis sports hack writer, Gregg Doyel, its simply time to play football.  Early predictions are not pretty for Indy.  Colts poster boy Andrew Luck is not healthy and, even though he plans to start the game at QB, he is not 100% which only enhances the case for the Patriots winning….and winning HUGE.

Enough of my shitty sports babble.  I started to ponder what could possibly meet Patriots’ fans expectations?  I don’t think a Pats runaway victory will satisfy us.  Not at all.  I think Patriot Nation is looking for something biblical.  Something epic.  Something impossible to happen.  And why not?  Let’s be candid, TFB and the boys are going to destroy this substandard team, but let’s use our imagination for a second.

What could happen Sunday night that would truly make us believe that justice has been served?

I polled ‘The Crew’ and here is our compilation….

(DISCLAIMER: We do not actually wish any bodily harm on anyone.  Colts players, staff ownership or otherwise.  This is supposed to be funny.  I am explaining this in case any of you slow-witted Shit kicking mid-westerners happen to read this column)

  • Andrew Luck spontaneously combusts and somehow Peyton Manning comes in as the backup (because of what Hasselback did – see below).  First play, his arm falls off as he throws interception to Tom Brady, who is now amazingly playing defense because he is bored.  Brady then walks by the now one-armed Manning and sings over his body, ‘Chicken Parm, you taste so good!”

  • Julian Edelman plays quarterback for the entire 4th quarter because Pats are up by 63.
  • Upon a landslide win, the collective force of all the Colts disappointment seeping out of the roof of Lucas Oil Satdium causes their fleet of AFC Runner Up banners to break from the rafters, falling to field and suffocates Irsay, Grigson and Pagano….because no one could hear their cries for help due to the fake crowd noise.
  • Somehow Bill Belicheck convinces Adam Vinitieri to come back to New England during the game and he kicks a meaningless last minute field goal to seal a Patriots victory…86-6.  ITS GOOD!!!

  • Colts Owner Jim Irsay and Patriots Owner Bob Kraft have a full on WWE wrestling match in a cage above the field during halftime.  Kraft, wearing his usual white-collar-blue shirt duds, wins with a Stone Cold (Steve Austin) Stunner, pounds 2 Budweisers that Gronk has thrown him and throw cans on Irsay’s unconscious body.
  • Chuck Pagano cries.  Again.
  • (Boston native) Colts’ Backup QB Matt Hasselback shows up dressed in Patriots uniform.  Takes a dump on the 50 yard line.
  • Upon scoring yet another goal line quarterback sneak touchdown, Brady heads for the goal post, pulls out a prescription pill bottle, whacks back the whole bottle and points up to Owner’s box. (by the way, the bottle was simply filled with Awesomeness.)

  • Following victory, Kraft BUYS the Colts and immediately moves the team back to Baltimore….Sunday night….via train.
  • During Post-Game Press Conference, the usually mute Bill Belicheck does a full on gangsta rap whereby be announces he had sex with Colts fat shit GM Ryan Grigson’s wife.  It would rhyme of course.

OK, maybe we have high hopes, but hey, we will need something to think about once we are up 50 at the half.

To paraphrase Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glenross, “I’d wish you Luck, Baltimore, but you wouldn’t’ know what to do with it.”

Indianapolis Colts: “What’s your name?”

New England Patriots: “Fuck you.  THAT’S my name.”

Why Everyone Should Be Using Uber (A Guide to the Millennial Taxi Service)

(Written by @elburkee978 who knows all about technology but can’t friggin post her own blogs!)

 

 

First I want to start with a quick definition of the word “Millenial”. It’s a noun, it’s an adverb, its a lifestyle. It’s basically every Snapchat-ing Face-timing social media obsessing person between the ages of 15-35. It’s the era of everything in the “cloud”. The internet always existed (for the most part; being on the cusp of this generation I most certainly remember Dewey Decimal and Encyclopedia Britannica, but also always had computer class playing Oregon Trail on a black and green computer screen), and there’s an app for everything from cheating on Scrabble to tracking your ex boyfriends current location. So it was only a matter of time when the world’s safest taxi service was created.
Here are the Top 10 Reasons why I’ve become uber obsessed with Uber:
1. The town I live in doesn’t have a cab service. If you want a cab, it costs an insane amount of money. Even when using Uber in the city, I can’t believe how much less it is to get places. Taking a cab from Fenway Park to North Station is a $13 cab ride, plus a tip. Uber is around $8, with the tip included. That’s a beer and Fenway Frank in savings!

2. There’s pretty much always an Uber driver available. The longest I’ve ever had to wait for a ride was 15 minutes, which wasn’t even bad. At any given time, there’ll be at least 5 drivers 10 minutes or less away from where I need to be picked up.

3. When your Uber driver is on their way, you get their name, a photo of the driver, the license plate number, and make and model of the car. Each driver is screened before allowed to drive, so you KNOW you won’t get a sketchball pulling up. That’s not to say I haven’t had some… eccentric drivers. (No joke, one guy was actually telling my friend and me about a comic book he was working on that had Katy Perry coming back from the dead as a grandmother.. or something)

4. The cars are so clean! I hate climbing into cabs and not wanting to touch anything because it has a film of dirt all over the interior. Each Uber driver has to maintain their car to a certain standard, and I’ve never been in a car with even a random piece of paper on the floor. The cars are pretty nice too- I’ve had Dodge Chargers, brand new Nissans…. sure beats a Crown Vic from ’95 with no AC.

5. Each driver follows the Uber GPS, which you can visibly see from the back seat. Which means you’re not getting the cab driver taking you through the scenic view of the city to rack up their fare.

6. Uber is linked up automatically to your credit or debit card. Which means there’s no money exchange during the ride. It’s always creepy when the cab driver stares at you while you take all your crumpled ones out of your pocket, or trying to drunkenly figure out the whole money thing with friends.

7. My parents always tell me how proud they are that I don’t drink and drive. The sentence after that is usually them telling me to stop leaving my car in random parking lots and to clean my act up. With uber- I can leave my car at home. I mean honestly, how many times can you have your car towed from the same parking lot in the morning. (woops?)

8. One of my personal reasons I love Uber, it has reduced my walk of shames. Oh, your ex is at the bar and wants to give you a ride home? Sorry pal! I have Uber on my side. I’ll ride home with Harvey in his Chevy Malibu tonight, and wake up happily in my own bed after a peaceful night’s sleep without any snoring or stealing of my blankets. (This reason why Uber is the greatest may not apply to all users)

9. You rate your driver after you get dropped off- this helps you see which drivers are better, and if you’re going to get the Katy Perry comic book dude or someone who actually focuses on the road.

10. And drumroll please….. the best reason to use Uber is because for everyone you get to sign up, both you and they will get a free ride of up to $20- which is like a 10 mile ride. HOLLER.

So sign up HERE https://www.uber.com/invite/leahb311 , get your free ride, and see what all these Millennials keep talking about. As cell phones have replaced the gross gas-station pay pones, I see Uber as the new taxi cab of the future.

(Authors Note: this is NOT a customer review or advertisement for Uber. I’m just a gal who spent an entire week on vacation relying on the service, and am totally happy with my experience.)

Sandoval Suspended for creeping Instagram during game

Last week Pablo Sandoval excused himself during a Sox/Braves game to go use the restroom. And instead of bringing a newspaper or maybe some notes on the game, he decided to hop on his cell and check out what was on Instagram. Seems harmless, right? And, while taking care of his buisness, Pablo happened to like two of user “diva_legacy”‘s photos. Once again, seems harmless, right?

Well Pablo got called out. Our tattletale boy Jared called out Pablo for being on Instagram during the game, which the Sox did go on to lose. For this “ungentlemanly” behavior, and use of a cell phone during the game, Sandoval was suspended for a game.

  
Can I Just Be Frank here (see what I did there) and say that with a history of fried chicken, beer, and gambling, or even “Manny being Manny” running off the field to use the john, we’re really going to chastise a player for scrolling through his phone while using the bathroom? I mean…. It’s not like he’s just sitting there in the dugout tweeting. Who would even blame him if he was? With a record like ours I’d be trolling the Interwebs too. 

“I grew up a poor black child” 

 Everyone’s seen Steve Martin in The Jerk- right?


Unlike Steve Martin’s character in the above mentioned movie, Rachel Dolezal did NOT grow up on a southern farm raised by a black family. She DID however, grow up in a white home with white biological parents in suburban Montana (until she went to college in MS and later, Howard University)

It’s being brought up that not only did Rachel Dolezal move to a new city and lie about her race to everyone she met, but she had her brainwashed adopted brother help cover her tracks also. This chick has left a long line of lies and deceit that spans back to decades ago- with fun things like:

  • suing Howard university for discrimination (god knows what was being discriminated)
  • Estranging herself from her parents
  •  sending her brother to jail for claiming he molested her siblings
  • divorcing her husband because he was “abusive” to their child
  • claiming KKK was threatening her with nooses and vandalism.
  • Getting spray tanned regularly and denying “blackface”

But my most favorite thing about this entire whack job of a lady is- when she finally gets busted for being a cracker, her defense is that she had “always identified as black- blackish” and can even recall drawing pictures of herself as a 5 year old using the brown crayon.

This bitch better watch her back, and not for the KKK, but for Caitlyn Jenner. No this Dolezal biatch did NOT just steal her thunder.

I don’t care if you identify yourself as a certain race, gender, animal, whatever. Do you. Have fun, go nuts. Just don’t hurt anyone. Let’s be honest, this is not the first white girl who wanted to imitate the home gurlz T Boz and Chilli. Who doesn’t look up to Queen Beyoncé and her royal highness Ms. Jackson?! Even more so, being a Boston gal of irish descent myself, especially around St. Paddys day, you’ll see people wearing shirts that say “Kiss me Im Irish” or “Irish I was drunk” (we’re really clever up here) or even witness dudes arm wrestling over who’s more Irish. ( “Well my uncles neighbor has a brogue!” “Yea, so? My cousin Shamus’ girlfriend is from Galway!”). Every dude from my suburbia hometown thought they were thugs. Trying to be a race you’re not is not uncommon. But to go all the way to president of the local NAACP chapter? That’s  where you’ve gone to far, girlie.

My point is that this chick is bananas. Like the mentally unstable “Gone Girl” type of chick. If you asked her what she had for breakfast she’d say grits even if it was Captain Crunch. She’s going to have her 15 minutes of black injustice, but mark my words…. She’s not done yet. I’m feeling some sort of lawsuit coming on, cuz a mofo like this loves to ruffle feathers. Or weaves. Whatevs.

Fancy Feast on this: Cats are Cooler than You

 

Move over dog lovers, cats are now cool.
It’s true. For eons dogs have held the spotlight, and it’s far time now that their reign ends. No longer are dog parks cool, now it’s cat cafes and whole events dedicated to our feline friends.

I know this, because as a single 30year old who owns 2 cats, I have been the butt of all my friends jokes for far too long. My Facebook wall is primarily my friends posting a cat meme or some YouTube vid of a cat who did something silly. Yesterday I was notified (more than once) of CatCon that took place in L.A. this weekend. Over 10,000 people showed up to convene together in name of the almighty Puss. T-shirts, pillows, tattoos and most fantastic of all, a guest appearance of her royal highness, Li’l Bub.  Snapchat had a live feed snap from the convention. Articles were written worldwide. I’m just counting down the days to CatCon Boston.
No longer is it just dirty hipsters and eclectic single ladies who now see the benefits of cats, here are some reasons why cats are better than dogs:

  • They groom themselves. Self-Baths are constant, and do not require you to spend money or time getting a groomer
  • You can leave them alone for a few days and they’re happier that way. Big bowl of food and water, clean litterbox and their pushing you out the door. None of this having to go for walks, or barking at all hours of the night to use the bathroom. Ugh, who needs that kind of responsibility?
  • You need to earn their respect. That’s an important life lesson. You don’t just walk up to someone and rub their ears. Dogs teach you this is okay. It’s not. Don’t just assume you can go in for the belly rub- cats keep you in line.
  • Who needs an exterminator when cats are around? Not just little mice, but did you know cats love spiders, lady bugs, ants, and anything else that moves into their path? See ya creepy crawlers
  • When cats jump on your lap or in your bed they don’t take up much space, and actually work as great feet warmers in the winter.

So let’s just stop giving cat ladies a bad rap. We just knew all along what it took ages for the rest of our culture to see

(Yes, that’s my idol Stephen King with his cat)