An Open Letter to Steele Johnson’s Dad

As former Blogger Cum Laude @therealdantobin stated eloquently during last night’s Olympic Men’s Synchronized Diving competition…

“You’ll always remember where you were when Steele Johnson entered your life. ‪#‎rio2016‬ ”

Steele Johnson.  What can we say?  The Man Named Steele captured the Olympic Silver Medal along with (“partner?”, “companion?”, “aero-soul mate?”, “splash dancing buddy?”) David Boudia last night in beautiful Rio.

If I know Olympic Synchronized Diving history, and I think I do, Ace and Gary should be famous for at least another 5, 4, 3, 2….yeah..sorry fellas…its over.  Congrats anyway.

The only diver I have EVER respected was Grand Lakes University legend, Thornton Melon.

thorton melon

Case closed.  Call me biased but until I see another Triple Lindy in an active diving competition, you boys are all just playing for second place in my book.

But back to our boy, Steele.  As I watched him weep and proclaim to the world he and Little Davey’s “identities were rooted in Christ“, I knew I loved what this crackerjack was all about.  I understood him.  I get it.

My next flurry of thoughts were what Daddy Johnson must be feeling at this moment?  The easy answer is ‘pride’.  The honest answer ‘shame’.  No Dad names their baby boy ‘Steele’ and envisions a lifetime of water-world-slap-n-tickle and Bible thumping whilst skipping down Copa Cabana beach in a speedo.  Those are the simply the facts.

I pictured that quaint Indiana delivery room in 1996 when Mama Steele gave birth…

Dad: “Oh my goodness!  It’s a son, Jill!”

Mom: “He is just perfect.  We should name him after you, Bill.”

Dad: “Don’t even think about it, woman.  This boy s destined for greatness.  For glory.  He needs to hold a moniker that exemplifies strength, unbendable courage and character.  Defines the unbreakable spirit of man.”

Mom: “What are you saying, Bill?”

Dad: “We shall call him….”Steele”.

And history was made.

My guess is for the next 5 years (until Bill realized Little Steeley was destined to be a Grape Smuggling Water Whacker) good ol’ Bill had grandiose visions of…

Steele, the Middle Linebacker

Steele, the Alligator Wrestler

Steele, the Bull Fighter

and the most obvious, “Steele Johnson: PORN STAR”

‘What’s that Steele?  You wanna be a Synchro Whatsie Who?’

And they say that Bill  Johnson’s heart shrank 3 sizes that day.

Take it from me…it’s no easy road for a competitive diver.  And an even harder road for your Dad.

Sincerely,

Chaz Osborn

Former National High School Champion

chaz osborn

P.S. USA USA USA!!!

 

 

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About Frank McCabe

Frank McCabe is an avid relaxer and Chinese food (i.e. Mai Tai) connoisseur. When he is not tending to his 'real' job, his wife and three children, Frank escapes reality by writing and inventing anything "funny" that pops in his head. With a Bachelors degree in Silliness, Frank subscribes to the theory that life is short...and, well, that kinda sucks, doesn't it? In his downtime Frank enjoys skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid. @fhmccabe

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