Anger, Olympics, Pistoffirishman, Sports, Uncategorized

A ”Lochte” to hate about this Olympics

Police say Ryan Lochte, swimmers lied about alleged robbery

derp-67

Police said the swimmers were confronted by security guards carrying guns after leaving a party at the French hospitality house.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Rio police said on Thursday that four U.S. Olympic swimmers who claimed they were robbed at gunpoint fabricated their story to cover up for a drunken night that ended with them vandalizing a gas station bathroom.

“It seems that they lied,” said Fernando Veloso, chief of Rio’s civil police. “No robbery was committed against these athletes. They were not victims of the crimes they claimed.”

Veloso’s statements at a jam-packed afternoon news conference followed a chaotic and confusing week for the U.S. team and cast a pall over the final days of the 2016 Summer Olympics. What started as a case of U.S. athletes falling victim to Rio’s notorious crime could end up leaving a black eye instead on the four American medalists.

Early Sunday morning, Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were riding home from a party at France House — a restaurant/bar set up for the Olympics — when they said they were pulled over by men pretending to be police officers and were robbed. Lochte was the most explicit, saying one of the men put a gun to his forehead before taking their money.

Veloso gave a far different account. He said the four swimmers stopped at a gas station and one of them broke down the bathroom door and police found damage to a soap dispenser and a mirror.

The athletes were confronted by security officers, and they offered the gas station employees $20 and 100 Brazilian reais (about $33 U.S.). Veloso said the swimmers continued being belligerent, prompting a security officer to show his gun. But he said no excessive force was used and there was no way the swimmers could have interpreted the situation as a robbery.

There have been some pretty big fuck ups when we talk about celebrities (even half-ass fringe celebrities) doing stupid ass shit. Hugh Grant hiring a hooker that looked like Samuel L. Jackson on a good day. Pee Wee Herman treating his own Herman to a good time in a public theater, The list goes on and on. OJ, Aaron Hernandez, Rae Carruth, Evil Kanievel jumping over the canyon; all really fucking stupid things to do. Then we have a washed up reality show SWIMMER in the Olympics, which no one has even cared about since before Bruce Jenner stopped buying Goldbond powder.

Anyway, breaking this story down to the core is real simple.

Shithead Swimmer goes out and gets hammered with 3 other grape smugglers.

2. On the way home they stop at gas station. The gas station won’t let them use the bathroom, so they piss all over the place. As swimmers tend to do.

3. Swimmers get in a fight with the attendant and break a door.

4. So the head idiot swimmer decides “Hey guys I have this covered, We just tell them we got robbed at gun point.

Even for a pancake brain like Lochte, making this allegation is completely moronic. How about the other 3 fucking idiots thinking “Yeah great idea Ryan nothing can go wrong with this plan”. This plan is equal to getting pulled over for a DUI and telling the cop “I wasn’t drinking, the booze drank me” (side note I’ve tried this it doesn’t work).

Here is how you explain Ryan Lochte.

Picture the United States as a giant High School. Ryan Lochte is stuffed in a locker, in the girls locker room. That’s it…end of comparison. We all know this guy is a fucking idiot. This shithead had a reality show on E! that was cancelled. You know how hard that is to do? For Christ sake that network will show basically anyone that will bang a black guy that plays a sport and that pansy wouldn’t even bother to blow Brittney Griner (USA WBBALL) to keep his show going. What a coward!

brittney-griner-doing-interview-160847_thumb_585x795

Okay here’s my favorite part of my blogs…They are the one liners that I love so much.

Things Lochtes buddies would have rather done that night then lie about being robbed

-Accompanied the North Korean losing athletes home to face Kim Jong Un

-Taken a dip in the Poop Ocean in RIO

-Tried to piece together all the severed limbs that wash up on RIOs beach

-Go to a gay club with some new friends they met from Syria

-Find Michael Phelps’ one other friend

-Try to help Bob Costas make those fudge cookies in his tree

-Help pay for all the abortions that will be needed just from the USA Basketball team

-Hang around with Brazils best known celebrity- The bubble bee guy on The Simpsons

-Climb up to the Jesus statue and find out its really The DUDE from “The Big Lebowski”

-Chill with the Horse Dancing guys because…they gotta know how to party, right?

Lochte is so stupid he can’t finish a Highlights magazine.

He is so stupid he has Velcro shoes that match his wallet.

He is so awful that his favorite sport is fucking swimming.

If Ryan Lochte was a cartoon character he would be fucking Millhouse from The Simpsons. Nobody needs him but if he is there no one notices anyway.

And so, just go away Ryan. Go crawl in a hole and leave productive humans alone. Or at least til you smoke some bath salts and eat someone’s face off like that kid in Florida. (Seriously did you see that shit? Way more entertaining then the Olympics.)

See you in 2020!

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Why am I so pissed off this week?

Not sure what has a hold of me this week, but I am just angry. Could be the pollen count is like 9 million (I dont even know if thats possible so piss off…I am not Harvey Fucking Leonard! See what I mean?). Could be that our entire region’s “boyfriend” Touchdown Tommy is being unfairly punished and criticized. Could be I just hate everyone. Yes, you too.

Whatever the case I decided the most therapeutic way – except for exercise, alcohol {I am lying, thats always part of my regiment}, yoga or talk therapy – to deal with this unforeseen steam is to expunge the demons with this blog. Identify each and everything that annoyed the shit out of me in recent days and let it out, drop the blood pressure to acceptably high range and allow me to move on living a life of religious and spiritual harmony.

Namaste.

Nope – that shit is stupid and I still dont’ feel any better….on to the Airing of Grievances

While I can not pinpoint one major thing….I have a list of several little ones for sure

Ted Wells. Your 243 page report on Deflategate is flawed and biased, jack wagon. Your mustache looks like the work of a 3 year old child with a Sharpie. You, sir, suck. Here is a quick excerpt from the 1 Page McCabe Report: Fuck you.

The Match.com guy. “Excuse me, Mr Level 3 Sex Offender, do I know you? You are creeping out Manhattan, chief. Can you back the hell off and give me some personal space? If I ever decided to use a dating site/rape invitation service, you just gave me the final reason why I won’t. Get back to the bushes with your binoculars, dbag.”

This guy. This is Matt. Matt is my brother-in-law. In truth, he is (or was) one of the all-time greats as far as BILs are considered… UNTIL recently. Matt was always 1st in line for a good time and excessive indulgance – food, booze, TV watching, laziness, whatever – and the ultimate fat Dad wingman for yours truly. However, in recent weeks Matt turned his back on me and our whole way of life. Matt started dieting, exercising, drinking less (sorta). But this week Matt crossed the line. He went to one of the premiere steak houses in the country and ordered….wait for it…..sea bass. Effing Sea Bass! Right? Enough said. Go to Vegan hell Matt. I hate you.

Passwords. Why does every Goddamn thing is this cyber-secure earth require a password!? I could not remember one this week and I absolutely blew a gasket. Screaming at an inanimate object like it was going to answer me. Is it my kids birthdays? Is it our dead fish’s name? Is it ‘Nipple’? Nope. Never got it figured out and I am still off the reservation about it.

My Son. What? Why? Who? How could you possibly? Outrage! Yeah, well Jr turns 12 this week and without getting graphic, I actually think he has surpassed me in the ‘manhood’ department if you know what I mean? We were ‘crossing the streams’ the other morning and well….too painful to continue. (not so) Little bastard.

Boston Sports. Nothing but bad news around these parts right now. Besides TB12 getting emasculated by the media; the Sox suck, the Celts and Bruins are on the golf course during playoff season. Nothing to watch this week. I actaully tuned in to the freakin NY Ranger game last night. Lord, forgive me.

I am sure there is a whole bunch of other things the world did to me to bring out the Flabby Hulk but I think this little rant has done the trick to quell my rage. Well, no not really. Still kinda want to kick some stuff.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Dan Tobin

Hey Adam Levine, Get the f’ out of my wedding!

Stupid Huffington Post

Sorry Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Adam Levine just made wedding crashing a lot more awesome.

The 35-year-old Maroon 5 frontman, who married model Behati Prinsloo in July, decided to spice up other couples’ big days by crashing weddings all over Los Angeles on Dec. 6.

The result is the video for the band’s hit song “Sugar,” off their 2014 album “V.”

“David Dobkin, who is an awesome director and a really dear, dear friend, decided to revisit the concept of obviously the original ‘Wedding Crashers,'” Levine told Access Hollywood last month. “The only difference being we actually crashed weddings this time!”

“[We] literally showed up and played songs for these guys. They were surprised,” he added.

How about the balls on this Adam Levine, cat? Like it was one thing when he tried to convince the world that it was his calling to sing Christmas tunes despite being 4000% Jewish, but now he wants us to believe that he and his Maroon 5 pals have enough street juice to organically crash weddings with their fuck-all jams? Stop it. I’d be willing to bet that these bridal parties would be happier to see a “Black Lives Matter” dance floor sit-in than getting their ears raped by Maroon Five. And I do realize that music is all subjective and that perhaps I am being incredibly harsh. But weddings are weddings. Paul McCartney could sneak out onto the parquet with his bass for a stripped down version of Hey Jude and half the function hall would be bullshit because he’s not singing “Shout” and is stealing the bride’s thunder. Paul would never do that though. And to be fair, Adam Levine isn’t the worst person in this video:

There’s this guy…who almost made it through the ceremony without his “tendencies” bubbling to the surface…

This guy, the most implausible “black guy seeing Adam Levine” reaction ever…

Asian folk selling out for a Maroon 5 video by dancing like white folks….

White folks selling out for a Maroon 5 video dancing like the Asian folks….

Then this guy… for not sacking up and telling Adam Levine to hit the bricks.

Anger, Pistoffirishman, Uncategorized

Wow you climbed a Big Rock…hey look a dog with a puffy tail

Yosemite climbers reach top of El Capitan in historic ascent

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Two climbers completed a historic 19-day ascent to the summit of Yosemite National Park’s El Capitan in California on Wednesday after scaling the rock formation’s 3,000-foot (900-metre) sheer granite face without climbing tools, representatives said.

Tmmy Caldwell, 36, and Kevin Jorgeson, 30, made it to the top of El Capitan at 3:30 p.m., spokeswoman Jess Clayton of clothing company Patagonia which played a sponsorship role in the climb, said in an email.

The two men, who were the first to climb El Capitan’s so-called Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools but used safety ropes in case of falls, climbed the rock face in stages beginning on Dec. 27. They had been expected to reach the summit on Wednesday afternoon.

The Dawn Wall of El Capitan is divided into 32 climbing pitches, which are varying lengths of rock that the climbers mastered with only their hands and feet. The wall has been scaled before, first by legendary climber Warren Harding in 1970, but never without climbing tools.

Yvon Chouinard, Patagonia’s founder and owner who climbed El Capitan in 1964, joked about attitudes toward evolution in a tongue-in-cheek statement celebrating the ascent. He said it “leaves Pope Francis with no choice but to admit our closest relative is the chimpanzee.”

Caldwell and Jorgeson reached the final 11 pitches on Tuesday after working their way past some of the toughest stretches on the rock.

Since the warmth of the day caused their hands and feet to perspire, the two often started climbing at dusk. They used ropes and other tools to move back and forth between the pitches they were attempting to master and their campsite, perched high on the rock.

Jorgeson struggled for several days last week on difficult pitch 15, at one point being forced to rest for two days while the skin on his fingers healed after being ripped off by razor-sharp ledges.

Their attempt on El Capitan was closely watched in the climbing world and drew worldwide news headlines and attention on social media as they made progress toward the summit.

Caldwell, 36, who is sponsored by Patagonia and is one of National Geographic’s “adventurers of the year” for 2015, conceived of the climb in 2007, the company said. Jorgeson spent five years preparing for the climb, his website said

Congratulations you guys, on climbing a mountain that has been climbed a million times, but this time you guys did the hard part with no climbing tools. How are people astounded by this? You want to be astounded? Head down to Cappys Copper Kettle on a Wednesday morning at 9am. Trust me you will see some shit in there that will blow your mind more then two hippy clowns climbing a rock. Not only did you climb a mountain that’s been climbed you did it in 19 days! You know how much stupid shit has impressed me more in the last 19 God damn days.

-My 6 month old shit so hard it went up to his neck!
-My brother drank (19) 30 packs
-Tobes got a kegerator and hasn’t got divorced yet
-Nobody from the NFLhas raped anyone (whoops spoke to soon)
-Danny Amendola caught 2 touchdown passes
-Bill Cosby raped 34 more chicks
-All the Khardashians and Bruce Jenner all slept with black guys
-Ray Lewis used the work “inadequate” correctly in a sentence
-I drank a bottle of red wine trying to be classy til I sharted
-Saw 13 different Asians wearing glasses (GWG)
-Watched Under Siege 3 times
-The Bruins scored more then 2 goals in a game
-Saw a dog fall asleep while licking himself
-Made a telemarketer hang up on me by asking “Who let the dogs out”
-School was canceled due to COLD? Bullshit.
-Beetlejuice was nominated for an Oscar
-My iPhone didn’t autocorrect ‘Fuck’ to ‘Duck’

So, all of the above were way more impressive in my life than these two playing ‘Cliffhanger‘ on something that’s been done before. Ya, I get it it’s a part that hasn’t been done before without equipment. Give me a break, that’s like saying the guy that killed himself with a rocket launcher to the dome broke the suicide record. Hey guys, go back to Eastern Mountain Sports with your Timberlands, rock climber key chains, and your wrist bands for no reason and shut. the. fuck. up.

Anger, Pistoffirishman, Uncategorized

Hey Ma, Read this Study

Most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics, U.S. study finds

By David Beasley

ATLANTA (Reuters) – Contrary to popular opinion, only 10 percent of U.S. adults who drink too much are alcoholics, according to a federal study released on Thursday, a finding that could have implications for reducing consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

While many people think that most, if not all, heavy drinkers are alcoholics, medical specialists have long suspected that belief is incorrect, said Robert Brewer, an author of a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that analyzed self-reported data from 138,100 U.S. adults.

The study found that 90 percent of heavy drinkers fell short of the criteria for alcoholism. Women who have eight or more drinks per week and men who have 15 or more are considered heavy drinkers.

Signs of alcoholism include an inability to stop or reduce drinking, continuing to drink even after it causes problems with family or work, and excessive time spent drinking each day.

Only a third of those who admitted binge drinking 10 or more times in the previous month were alcoholics, the study found. The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single occasion.

Alcoholism was most common among those with annual family incomes of less than $25,000, according to the study.

Heavy drinkers should not cheer the new study’s results, Brewer cautioned.

Drinking too much is unhealthy, killing 88,000 people annually regardless of whether the drinker is an alcoholic, the CDC said. Health effects include breast cancer, liver and heart disease and auto accidents.

“Anybody who takes from this paper that excessive drinking is not dangerous unless you are dependent is simply not getting the message, which is that drinking too much is bad, period,” Brewer said.

That said, it is important to quantify the percentage of alcoholics among heavy drinkers in order to develop effective strategies for reducing alcohol consumption, Brewer said.

For example, alcoholics may require treatment to stop drinking, while non-alcoholics might cut back if alcohol taxes were raised or the number of stores allowed to sell alcohol is reduced, Brewer said.

“The great preponderance of people who are drinking too much are not candidates for specialized treatment but they can be helped in other ways,” Brewer said

Where was this story about 15 years ago when I was getting lectured on how drinking every night in bars at the age of 17 is going to lead me down a terrible path? This new study is going on my fridge and in my wallet, so I can whip it out every time some clown wants to question why I’m having whiskey with my Cheerios. Just because you pass out from time to time in the kids pack n play or down all the scope because you forgot you couldn’t buy beer before 12 on Sunday, doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings every Tuesday night. This study can help everyone out there that thinks they have a problem after waking up next to some 58 year sloth from Goonies looking woman from the Worthen. You just wake up read this study and say, I don’t have a problem, I was just making memories last night. This study is also excellent to read after saying or doing the following stupid shit.

”Ya sure, lets go to Cappy’s Copper Kettle”

”Taco Bell sounds awesome”

“No I didn’t shit myself from drinking, I gambled on a fart and lost”

“I just watched Rain Man..lets go to Foxwoods, pretty sure I can count cards now”

“These mushrooms won’t last that long right”

”Okay let’s play for $100 a hole and I’ll only use my 7 iron”

“We should totally just egg that assholes house”

“Is the Club Diner still open?”

“Im telling you The Blue Moon is classy now”

“Honey, that cable bill is wrong, why would I order ’18 Inch Black Monsters’?”

“Okay 1 more Jameson then I gotta go coach soccer”

“Must have been the Taco Bell last night, thank God this toilet is nice and cold”

“So I took a nap under the pool table….big whoop”

“That’s not an adams apple, she is just Korean”

You can thank me later for this but you start drinking White Zin and going to James Taylor shows, then you have a problem. Other than that you’re just making great stories.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

If only there was a ‘Kanye-bola Virus’

Kanye West refused to continue his show on Friday night in Sydney, Australia until the entire audience was standing and dancing in physical Yeezus worship. Unfortunately for Kanye’s self-esteem, one of the audience members had a prosthetic leg and another used a wheelchair.

One concertgoer told the Daily Mail that he addressed the crowd saying “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.” The fan waved her leg in the air and Kanye so kindly continued the show, stopping again when he saw there remained a single seated fan.

According to the tabloid, he then halted performance of “Good Life,” saying “‘This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable,” before sending over a bodyguard to check that the fan was differently abled.

————————————————————————————————

I probably should have let our resident anger blogger @pistoffirishman take this one, but my fingers were already typing.

Question: Is there a worse human being in the world that Kanye West? This egotistical, arrogant narcissistic scumbag has once again hit a new low (I thought marrying that fat-ass a would be the bench mark, but bravo Mr. West, you managed to top yourself).

What really needs to happen to Mr. Stronger is he needs to contract a disease from the Ironic Torture Chamber?

What would be ideally suited for this talent-less dipshit?

If you could invent the Kanye-bola, what would it include in it’s symptoms?

My thoughts would be…

A. Instant muting.

The very first symptom would be the losing of the tongue. Not only would you lose ability to speak, but your tongue would literally fall out; painfully and slowly fall out with the taste of Bruce Jenner’s 1976 Olympic jock strap filling every taste bud as it happened over several long months.

B. “Carltonism”:

We all know Kanye perceives himself as quite the dancer, well, upon contracting Kanye-bola, the victim could only dance like the goofy Alfonso Ribeiro character, Carlton, from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. It would like an uncontrollable tick that happened only when cameras were on you.

C. Ass-Displacement:

Immediate retention of Kim K’s gi-normous backside would come next. This odd symptom would eliminate equilibrium causing the victim to constantly fall backwards with every step they took.

D. Genital Pins and Needles:

And just when you think it could not get worse, the 4th and most painful symptom of Kanye-bola hits you; a constant, sharp, dagger-like pain inflicted upon the genital area. Picture a human pin cushion with a thousand needles that never stop poking away at your “Gold Digger“. Ouchie.

E. Bankruptcy

Sure, it doesn’t seem to fall in line with a medical disorder, but so what, I am calling the shots here. Immediate, total, and irreversible poverty strikes the victim, so don’t think you can hire an entourage to help you manage the K-bola. Uh uh. You will be shacked up under a bridge playing ‘Keeping Up with the Smelly Homeless Guy’.

More bad news, Kan, you, and only you, are the only living organism capable of contracting Kanye-bola on earth. Bummer, huh?

There is, however, a silver lining, K-Man (adding more fuel to the irony of this unique affliction) you get to live for 1,000 years! Yep, longevity is final symptom. What are the odds?

Have a ‘Good Life’!

Maybe you can pray to Yeezus for help?