How Do you Get Through Your Day?

Have you heard about this story yet? A Kindergarten teacher from Ankeny, Iowa is facing charges after it was discovered she was allegedly (I’m trying to be a good reporter here and since she hasn’t been convicted yet I’m writing allegedly… deal with it people!) pounding beers at school.

Yes it appears Miss Jennifer Rich couldn’t wait for that dreaded two o’clock bell to ring before she breaks into a few cold ones.

(Ahh yes the smiling face of a woman who knows she has six pack waiting for her if she can just get through picture day).

Jennifer Rich

And how was this mastermind caught? Was it because a nosy student was snooping around her purse?  No.

Was it because the janitor did some grade A detective work after having to clean up glitter from places glitter should never be? No, that wasn’t it either.

Turns out a parent who came in to help out on Valentines day caught Miss Rich popping more tops than the class could turn in (get it a box top joke? Get it? No seriously do you get it?)

Then once police arrived they found two empties and four more full ones ready to go hiding in her purse.

In her defense; having just one child has caused many great people to drink. Now imagine having 20 of them for a minimum of 8 hours a day. Then on top of that you also get to tell parents that Little Johnny can’t go to first grade because has hasn’t yet mastered counting to 10 and oh yea he eats glue.

And with that I propose a toast. Here’s to you Jen (can I call you Jen?)… To always smiling while you shape the minds of the world’s next generation! That while also enjoying a liquid lunch.

Fallon

Side Though: What beer was she drinking? I smell an advertisement opportunity here!

Hey Ma, Read this Study

Most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics, U.S. study finds

Men drink beer at a restaurant

ATLANTA (Reuters) – Contrary to popular opinion, only 10 percent of U.S. adults who drink too much are alcoholics, according to a federal study released on Thursday, a finding that could have implications for reducing consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

While many people think that most, if not all, heavy drinkers are alcoholics, medical specialists have long suspected that belief is incorrect, said Robert Brewer, an author of a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that analyzed self-reported data from 138,100 U.S. adults.

The study found that 90 percent of heavy drinkers fell short of the criteria for alcoholism. Women who have eight or more drinks per week and men who have 15 or more are considered heavy drinkers.

Signs of alcoholism include an inability to stop or reduce drinking, continuing to drink even after it causes problems with family or work, and excessive time spent drinking each day.

Only a third of those who admitted binge drinking 10 or more times in the previous month were alcoholics, the study found. The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single occasion.

Alcoholism was most common among those with annual family incomes of less than $25,000, according to the study.

Heavy drinkers should not cheer the new study’s results, Brewer cautioned.

Drinking too much is unhealthy, killing 88,000 people annually regardless of whether the drinker is an alcoholic, the CDC said. Health effects include breast cancer, liver and heart disease and auto accidents.

“Anybody who takes from this paper that excessive drinking is not dangerous unless you are dependent is simply not getting the message, which is that drinking too much is bad, period,” Brewer said.

That said, it is important to quantify the percentage of alcoholics among heavy drinkers in order to develop effective strategies for reducing alcohol consumption, Brewer said.

For example, alcoholics may require treatment to stop drinking, while non-alcoholics might cut back if alcohol taxes were raised or the number of stores allowed to sell alcohol is reduced, Brewer said.

“The great preponderance of people who are drinking too much are not candidates for specialized treatment but they can be helped in other ways,” Brewer said

Where was this story about 15 years ago when I was getting lectured on how drinking every night in bars at the age of 17 is going to lead me down a terrible path? This new study is going on my fridge and in my wallet, so I can whip it out every time some clown wants to question why I’m having whiskey with my Cheerios. Just because you pass out from time to time in the kids pack n play or down all the scope because you forgot you couldn’t buy beer before 12 on Sunday, doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings every Tuesday night. This study can help everyone out there that thinks they have a problem after waking up next to some 58 year sloth from Goonies looking woman from the Worthen. You just wake up read this study and say, I don’t have a problem, I was just making memories last night.  This study is also excellent to read after saying or doing the following stupid shit.

”Ya sure, lets go to Cappy’s Copper Kettle”

”Taco Bell sounds awesome”

“No I didn’t shit myself from drinking, I gambled on a fart and lost”

“I just watched Rain Man..lets go to Foxwoods, pretty sure I can count cards now”

“These mushrooms won’t last that long right”

”Okay let’s play for $100 a hole and I’ll only use my 7 iron”

“We should totally just egg that assholes house”

“Is the Club Diner still open?”

“Im telling you The Blue Moon is classy now”

“Honey, that cable bill is wrong, why would I order ’18 Inch Black Monsters’?”

“Okay 1 more Jameson then I gotta go coach soccer”

“Must have been the Taco Bell last night, thank God this toilet is nice and cold”

“So I took a nap under the pool table….big whoop”

“That’s not an adams apple, she is just Korean”

You can thank me later for this but you start drinking White Zin and going to James Taylor shows, then you have a problem. Other than that you’re just making great stories.

Well, if it isn’t another “Drinking is good for you article.”

This-Guy-Can-Drink-Beer-Fugly-Fat-Guy

PSMAG

Bob Welch, former star Dodgers pitcher, died in June from a heart attack at age 57. In 1981, Welch published (with George Vecsey)Five O’Clock Comes Early: A Cy Young Award-Winner Recounts His Greatest Victory, in which he detailed how he became an alcoholic at age 16: “I would get a buzz on and I would stop being afraid of girls. I was shy, but with a couple of beers in me, it was all right.”

In his early 20s, he recognized his “disease” and quit drinking. But I wonder if, like most 20-something problem drinkers (as shown byall epidemiological research), he would otherwise have outgrown his excessive drinking and drunk moderately?

If he had, he might still be alive. At least, that’s what the odds say.

Had Welch smoked, his obituaries would have mentioned it by way of explaining how a world-class athlete might have died prematurely of heart disease. But no one would dare suggest that quitting drinking might be responsible for his heart attack.

Even drinking more than is recommended, without displaying clinical symptoms of problem drinking or alcohol dependence (and these are not subtle), is generally better for you than drinking nothing.

In fact, the evidence that abstinence from alcohol is a cause of heart disease and early death is irrefutable—yet this is almost unmentionable in the United States. Even as health bodies like the CDC and Dietary Guidelines for Americans (prepared by Health and Human Services) now recognize the decisive benefits from moderate drinking, each such announcement is met by an onslaught of opposition and criticism, and is always at risk of being reversed.

ZZZZzzzz….ZZZzzzzz…what!?  Oh, you woke me up for another “Drinking is good for you” article.  Yeah, no shit.  Of course drinking is good for you.  Everyone knows this.  You’re about 500 “Drinking is good for your articles” late on this one.  What I’m waiting for is the article that tells me that all the horribly unhealthy stuff we do WHILE drinking is perfectly healthy.  Like, “Inhaling 3000 calories of breakfast fare at 3 am is actually good for you!”  “Trying to the give that 3-billed train wreck that you met at a bar a 10 finger boost into your dorm bunk bed, is good for you! (provided you bend your knees.)” “Telling a funny joke to the girlfriend of the jealous, over protective, sociopathic mixed martial artist who is checking id’s at the bar you’re in, is good for you!”  “Having an honest moment with your wife and telling her your ‘actual’ number, is good for you!”  “Urinating publicly in a school zone is super good for you.” Heck while you’re at it, “Diving boards, batting cages, your kid’s trampoline, razor scooters, and skate boards…when combined with a healthy buzz, will extend your time on earth. “

Now that’s a study.