Let’s get something straight, “It’s the thought that matters” is an old holiday expression coined by losers that sucked at giving Christmas presents. It’s December 9th already. It’s time to get your heads out of your asses and start getting serious about honoring the men in your life to the fullest. Don’t be a loser.
The bad news is that science has proven that shitty gift giving is a genetic predisposition that will haunt your life forever. Fortunately for you, that doesn’t matter this year because every guy is asking for the same thing: something from The Life of Burt Reynolds collection. No Malls, No crowds. Just go ahead and spread out on your comfy couch with a glass of Riesling and a credit card, and let your imagination guide you. I took the time to hand pick the best of the bunch for your and rated them using the Burt Reynolds Mustache Rating System:
Stache ratings 1 thru 5.
5 Staches being the greatest gift since they invented Jesus to add a little depth to the holiday.
“A football trophy presented to Burt Reynolds in 1952 from Palm Beach High School in Florida. The two-tier trophy features a metal football figure at top with an eagle figure mounted to the wood base. At the center of the trophy is an engraved metal plaque that reads “Buddy Reynolds/ All Southern/ Honorable Mention/ All State/ First Team/ All City/ First Team/ 1952.” Affixed to the base of the trophy is another metal plaque that reads “Palm Beach High School.”
Fantasy Football blows. I’m in four leagues, they all suck. But if you’re telling me Burt Reynold’s 1952 High School trophy could potentially be starring on my mantle, I’m back in. Grab this piece of hardware for your favorite guy and he’ll be at the top everyone’s league invite list next season. (AKA, you get to captain the remote control… and its Bravo marathon’s for the entire month of August.)
Gift Rating: 2 Staches
“A print of a black and white photograph featuring tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Navratilova has inscribed the photograph “Dear Burt- / this is where the/ action is!/ Martina” in black marker. Framed.”
Martina Navratilova, one of the greatest Tennis players ever and perhaps the first universally accepted gay athlete…telling the Wayne Gretzky of sex symbols that “This is where the action is” is the funniest thing these eyes have ever seen. I am woefully immature, and ignorant. So is the guy you’re trying to buy a gift for.
Gift Rating: 4 Staches
“A light brown belted robe embroidered with Burt Reynolds facsimile signature at left breast. Ultra suede fabric with embroidered designs at pockets and cuff. Made by Trylon, no size present.”
Look’n to rekindle the flame for 2015? It’s a scientific fact that we all look amazing in robes. (I wish I knew that in College…would’ve been robe exclusive) Nevertheless, this is the gift that keeps giving, and that’s before you consider that it could have possibly been worn by Burt post coitus. Imagine the enhanced thread count you’re getting from the handful of stray chest hairs Burt’s glorious mane. Imagine those vibes.
Gift Rating: 5 Staches
“A carved wooden handpainted life-size cigar store Indian holding a pipe.
72 by 19 by 16 inches”
Native American imagery is all the rage right now, maybe even more popular than fur clothing. If there’s one thing missing in your home decor, it’s probably a cigar store Indian. It will tie any room together nicely, and will signal to your guests that kitschy decor cannot be bound by the borders of cultural sensitivity.
Gift Rating: 2 Staches
“He Wants You To Have His Baby (Portrait of Burt Reynolds),” lithograph on canvas, advertising image from the film Paternity (Paramount, 1981).
23 3/4 by 16 3/4 inches (sight); 24 1/4 by 17 1/4 inches (framed)”
This is obviously a gift for yourself. It’s the wall art that every first floor powder room deserves, accept there’s just one.
Gift Rating: 3 Staches
“A pair of Burt Reynolds brown leather chaps. Dark brown trim is tooled to look as though the leather was woven. Additional floral tooling, lacing and buckle closure and faux bone fasteners down the side of each leg.”
“I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful just waiting to get out.” – Jack Horner
There’s a good chance these Bad Larry’s are already on their way to the McCabe residence as a “To Frank, From Frank.” But in the event that this auction lot still has some juice left, let the bidding begin. Like Super Nintendo, and rollerblades, nobody ever forgets that Christmas when they got Burt Reynolds’s leather chaps.
Gift Rating: 500 Staches
Christmas is hardly a time to be pragmatic. If you’ve got a 130K to spoil the man in your life, it must be done. Think of all the things he did for you this year.
Forgot he was even in the movie because Russel Crowes skating ability was distracting. You can hang this baby in the mancave next to your Clark Griswold Blackhawks sweater.
The secrets could fill a book.