Author: Tobes

Dan Tobin

Norwegian Golf Course Mystery Pooper…the blog that writes itself.

Mystery Pooper

Source

For the last decade, a man has been coming to a golf course in Norway in the mornings, dropping trou and pooping in the cups.

That sentence should invite a lot of questions.

Stavanger Golf Club has been dealing with the mystery pooper since 2005, and the club’s staff is convinced a man is behind the fecal graffiti for a simple reason.

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman,” said groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord, who added that the man in question often leaves toilet paper to go along with the turds, according to the Rogalands Avis paper.

The person in question only poops in the cups on weekdays, never showing up on weekends. Presumably, he has better things to do then. The guy apparently used to bike to the parts of the course where he would do his business, with grounds staff noticing wheels marks in the dew, followed by foot prints to the cup.

At one point, the club thought putting flood flights around the mystery pooper’s favorite target would stop him. Wrong. The guy just found a way to turn off the lights and poop in the dark.

I can’t speak to the customs and golfing traditions of the country of Norway as I’ve never been there nor have I shared a beer with any real life Norwegians, let alone Norwegian golfers (or Norwegian poopers for that matter).  Yes, the idea of hovering in gimme range and dropping your cargo in the cup seems strange to me.  But what kind of guy would I be to judge another man for being particular about his bowel rituals.  Aren’t we all?  Sure, not everyone would want to complicate the matter with pin placements and break, but to each his own.  As I understand it, there are 3 internationally recognized tenets of being a successful man: make money, get laid, and last but most importantly, get regular. More power to you if you can take care of all three at the golf course.

Btw, honorable mention here goes to the Norwegian investigators and their decade long manhunt:

“Whelp, it’s a big dump so it can’t be a women.”

“It can’t be Tiger Woods as he wouldn’t go the bathroom on the green unless there was a whore lying there. Definitely didn’t see any whore footprints.”

“Doesn’t come around on weekends…must be a family man, trying to avoid 6 hour rounds on the weekends.”

“The presence of toilet paper rules out all Mt Pleasant members.”

Splendid effort, fellas.

Dan Tobin

The future of Bicycle Advocacy.

Don’t be confused by the language, as this isn’t actually in Lowell.  The tell is the pristinely painted bicycle lane and the vehicle itself isn’t a massive Tahoe with a “Re-elect Mayor Elliott sticker” on it.  But that’s neither here nor there, because what we’re watching here is the future of bicycle advocacy.  Brute force.  This gentleman will not only single handedly improve the cycling experience for his community, but no longer will the stereo type of cyclists be one of ill-fitting outfits, and a build that requires all altercations be settled through tersely worded, anonymous notes left on peoples cars.  Wherever this guy is, we need to hunt him down and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Dan Tobin

Because you asked, “When is being found naked in your neighbors pig pen frowned upon?”

pig

(Source)  MILLERSVILLE, Pa. — Police have charged a man with trespassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure after he was caught on a neighbor’s Pennsylvania farm in the nude, drinking beer among pigs.

Police in Manor Township, Lancaster County, say 64-year-old Larry Henry told them, “I just like pigs,” when they found him in the hog barn June 26 about 10:15 p.m.

Henry faces a preliminary hearing Aug. 4. His defense attorney didn’t immediately return a call for comment Wednesday.

Arrest papers show Henry had been banned from the farm since he got caught trespassing four years ago.

Police say Henry smelled of alcohol and acknowledged drinking a six-pack of beer while hanging out with the hogs.

Police say the brand of beer was in keeping with the overall theme. Henry was drinking Hamm’s.

“I just love Pigs.”

While admittedly it’s been a while since I graduated finishing school, but I’m pretty sure the mid-Pennsylvanian social miscue here is that it’s perfectly acceptable to be found naked, pounding Hamms in the middle of a pig pen…provided it’s YOUR pig pen, and YOUR pigs.  “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s pigs”…or something like that.  At the very least, you should ring the neighbor’s doorbell, introduce yourself, and let him know that you’re an honest, respectful person who will do right by his pigs.  Just walking in with bargain beer and gearing down is not sending the right message.

PS…considered going with the “Who doesn’t have a buddy that loves taking home pigs” blog but the one buddy I had in mind is now happily married.  Given how widely disseminated this publication is, I didn’t want his wife doing the “Dan’s buddy who likes pigs?” math.  (his name may or may not rhyme with “Spruce.”)

Dan Tobin

Time to stop celebrating old folk when they do useless stuff…just because they’re old.

Doris

Source– A 101-year-old woman has proved that age is just a number after breaking her own world record as the oldest abseiler.

Doris Long once again conquered 560ft-high Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth, Britain’s tallest building outside of London.  

Wind and rain did not deter Ms Long, who has been honoured with an MBE for her charity fundraising for a local charity.

Ms Long decended 310ft down the popular tourist attraction. She last performed the feat on her 100th birthday in May 2014.

The pensioner, nicknamed Daring Doris, who has previously abseiled alongside new Top Gear host Chris Evans, took up the challenge to raise money for the Rowans Hospice in Waterlooville.

Ms Long, who first abseiled at the age of 85, said: ‘I don’t feel afraid and never have, I just have a placid nature.’

The centenarian, who is 5ft tall and weighs eight stone, added: ‘I have a look down at the crowd, I am normally looking to see how the other person is getting on.’

Ms Long, who has a daughter, three grandchildren, seven great-grandchildren and two great great grandchildren, received cheers and applause from the crowds below as a band played The Proclaimers’ hit I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) as she reached the bottom of the tower.

So much for that greatest generation thing, eh?  These are the people that clawed this country out of the Great Depression, and stormed enemy beaches.  What these people don’t need is our accolades for doing extraordinary irrelevant things (that typically and almost exclusively involve gravity.)  It’s like every year when we get to see George HW Bush hop out of a plane strapped to some Navy Seal’s belly button.  I guess we’re all supposed to be impressed? Not this guy.  If George HW wants me to celebrate his ageless vibrancy, I want to see him doing things that he was doing 40 years ago.  Like sucker punching George Dubya’s tutors after getting his report card, or putting the wood to Barbs in an Oval Office desktop session.  That would be impressive.

GHWBUSH

Like ole’ Doris here. She accomplished a feat that has only been equaled a thousand times over (just this week) by Mohican window washers.  The star in this story is the maker of the harness and rope that maintained its integrity despite the strain of all 8 stones (Whatever that is?) of Doris’ person.   What would be more impressive is if we learned that Doris’ drove herself to that tower while maintaining speeds at or near the posted limit, and parked her vehicle without it crashing through the front door of a Mobil Mart.  Beyond that, there’s not much here worth mine or anyone else’s internet clicks.

Dan Tobin

FACT: Naked Cycling without a boner is really just weird exercise.

Naked Cycling

Mirror UK– Police were forced to intervene in a naked cycling event – after reports one of the riders got ‘overexcited’.

The ‘aroused’ cyclist was pulled aside and put his jeans back on before being spoken to by officers.

Organisers of the World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) said the rider was removed before the ride started in Canterbury, Kent, on Saturday.

The naked rides, which take place in cities and towns around the world, are organised to highlight the dangers cyclists face from cars.

Participants are permitted to cycle naked but must adhere to strict rules.

One witness said: “Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight.

“It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much.

“One of the organisers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.

“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.”

No boners?!?!  Fuck that noise.  Per the USNCAA, the governing body of naked cycling and archery, all riders must be sporting a minimum 35 degree semi at all times to participate in naked cycling.  Rules are rules, fellas. The world of naked cycling does not need any cowboys with their Stalin-esque “no boner” policies, it simply grades against the spirit of the sport…which everyone knows is the purest form of the sport of cycling.  You ever see Lance Armstrong competing in Naked Cycling?  That’s because the entire world, and Sheryl Crow, knows it is chemically impossible for Lance to cross the finish line with a credibly taught victory flag flying. No doping.  Pure unadulterated Integrity!  That’s what naked cycling is about.  And also gross bodies.  Integrity and gross bodies! Boners aren’t just welcome, they’re mandatory.

Can I Be Frank, Dan Tobin

Congrats to the Lowell Portuguese Bakery for becoming THE greatest spot on the planet for baked goods.

mouse_scared

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Lowell Portuguese Bakery has been temporarily closed due to an infestation of mice, according to the city’s health inspector.

The bakery, located at 930 Gorham St., was closed March 11.

The mice were seen during a state health inspection, after which the city sent an inspector and saw evidence of mice as well, Lowell Senior Health Inspector David Ouellette said.

“They saw a couple of dead ones and there was evidence of droppings everywhere,” Ouellette said.

The bakery can reopen once it is cleaned up and passes a new health inspection.

“They have to completely clean up the place and set up an extermination program,” Ouellette said. “Once they get an extermination program in place, they can get reinspected by both agencies and that would allow them to open back up.”

You bring me goods from a bakery that doesn’t have any mice, and I’m just going windmill dunk it into the trash right in your face. Who’s a more qualified baked goods critic than a mouse? So when you got every mouse in the city lining up at your door for a taste, you know it’s the bomb. The mice don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re hawking award winning Cronuts to blocks and blocks of tourists, if you’ve got no mice, your product sucks.