God Bless my witty Facebook friends.

 


I feel bad for folks that aren’t on Facebook on days like today.  They’ll never know what it is like to start your day with 300 posts of clever observational comedy…like snap shots of their backyard snowscape with a witty comments, “Can’t believe spring is here…not!” Or “Love this snowy spring weather…SAID NOBODY EVER!”  These people are the super unleaded that makes Facebook go.  I can’t imagine getting through the day without it.  

 

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If ISIL were to invade the US…

 (Note:  I am aware that aside from the might of the finest military on the planet, all the 2nd amendment enthusiasts, the people of Texas, and those crazy Michigan Militia guys would never let anyone on team ISIL place a toe on an American Beach…)

…It wouldn’t be a shame the invasion began on Yawkee Way on #TruckDay.

 

 

Sorry Puerto Rico, but you’re not quite lottery material.

http://youtu.be/igDuYyvyrGw

Boston.com

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Tickets in North Carolina, Puerto Rico and Texas have matched all six numbers to split a $564.1 million Powerball jackpot, lottery officials said Thursday.

Sue Dooley, senior drawing manager and production coordinator for the Multi-State Lottery Association, said the Puerto Rico ticket was the first Powerball jackpot winner ever sold outside the continental United States.

Puerto Rico joined Powerball less than a year ago. Besides 44 states and Washington, D.C., the game is also played in the Virgin Islands, but there has never been a jackpot winner there, Dooley said.

The Texas Lottery posted on Twitter early Thursday that one of the winning tickets was sold at Appletree Food Mart in Princeton, Texas. There was no immediate information on the cities or stores that produced the winners in North Carolina or Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico?  WTF?  When did this happen?  Like it’s one thing to tell us that we’re probably going to be splitting the jackpot with at least four other methheads from some of those states that were invented just to prolong slavery.  But it’s another thing to throw the Puerto Rico’s and the Guam’s of the world into the mix all willy-nilly at the last minute and think that nobody will notice.  I for one would have strategized differently.

But more importantly, allowing Puerto Rico to participate in Powerball is against the spirit of the lottery.  Besides that fact that they’re not really a state, lottery jackpots are intended for really downtrodden, desperate losers so we can be assured that their winnings make it back into the economy in the form of dirt bikes for all their buddies.  At that, I’ve never met a downtrodden, desperate Puerto Rican in my life.  They’re like the happiest people on earth.  They’re a piously devout, family oriented tribe of people.  They seem to live each day like its Saturday, and they can turn a mid-summer, gridlocked traffic jam into a Reggaeton dance-off with nothing more than a 1991 Toyota Tercel and a ¼ tank of gas.  I’m sorry, but they just don’t fit the mold of lottery winners.  The lottery is about giving false hope to people with no hope.

When did we get so bad at cheating in youth sports?

LittleLeaguer

Washington Post

Jackie Robinson West, the Chicago-area team that won the U.S. championship in the Little League World Series last summer, has been stripped of its title after an investigation found the team used ineligible players in an attempt to build a super-team.

The Chicago South Side team, whose players were African-American and raised hopes that the game would enjoy a resurgence among young blacks, was found to have used players who live outside its geographic area. On Wednesday morning, Little League International announced its decision, saying that the U.S. championship would now go to the Mountain Ridge team from Las Vegas. Its investigation determined that Jackie Robinson West used a falsified boundary map and that team officials met with neighboring Little League districts in Illinois to claim players.

“As our Little League operations staff learned of the many issues and actions that occurred over the course of 2014 and prior, as painful as this is, we feel it a necessary decision to maintain the integrity of the Little League program. No team can be allowed to attempt to strengthen its team by putting players on their roster that live outside their boundaries.”

Chris Janes, vice president of the Evergreen Park Athletic Association on Chicago’s South Side, told Chicago’s ABC affiliate that his group was suspicious of the super-team, especially after JRW outscored it 43-2 in a little over four innings in a sectional playoff game.

OOOOOH.  The old redistricting trick.  I haven’t seen that move since Gordon Bombay selfishly crushed the career of a budding Adam Banks so that he could play him on a wing next to a shitty skating Charlie Conway…just to silence his inner demons because he once hit the post as a 10 year-old. (Or perhaps because Hans once dropped a digit on him.)  Youth sports are so easy to cheat at it’s surprisingly remarkable how bad some people are at doing it.  By all means, draw your own maps, forge birth certificates, or even sell a couple dozen boxes of crackle candy bars to cover the freight for smuggling some cherubic looking, teen-aged Dominicans into the country to lock down your middle infield.   But whatever you do, DO NOT beat anybody 43-2.  When you quadruple mercy rule someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re cheating or not.  Your vanquished opponent will do whatever they can to crop-dust your trophy case with the stench of their shame.  (See Indianapolis Colts) I’ve seen it a thousand times.

BTW, even though I credited Gordon Bombay above, the real originators of the re-districting move was the sage gentleman over at Callery Park Baseball back in the early 90’s that saw a young @pistoffIrishman in the pipeline of backstops, and realized it would be impossible to make it to Williamsport with a kid trying to signal curveballs with sausage fingers, so they convinced Chelmsford to annex Van Greenby street for the duration of tryouts so they could call up a 9 year old, with power from both sides of the plate.  True story.

Hey Adam Levine, Get the f’ out of my wedding!

Adam Levine

Stupid Huffington Post

Sorry Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Adam Levine just made wedding crashing a lot more awesome.

The 35-year-old Maroon 5 frontman, who married model Behati Prinsloo in July, decided to spice up other couples’ big days by crashing weddings all over Los Angeles on Dec. 6.

The result is the video for the band’s hit song “Sugar,” off their 2014 album “V.”

“David Dobkin, who is an awesome director and a really dear, dear friend, decided to revisit the concept of obviously the original ‘Wedding Crashers,'” Levine told Access Hollywood last month. “The only difference being we actually crashed weddings this time!”

“[We] literally showed up and played songs for these guys. They were surprised,” he added.

How about the balls on this Adam Levine, cat? Like it was one thing when he tried to convince the world that it was his calling to sing Christmas tunes despite being 4000% Jewish, but now he wants us to believe that he and his Maroon 5 pals have enough street juice to organically crash weddings with their fuck-all jams? Stop it. I’d be willing to bet that these bridal parties would be happier to see a “Black Lives Matter” dance floor sit-in than getting their ears raped by Maroon Five. And I do realize that music is all subjective and that perhaps I am being incredibly harsh. But weddings are weddings. Paul McCartney could sneak out onto the parquet with his bass for a stripped down version of Hey Jude and half the function hall would be bullshit because he’s not singing “Shout” and is stealing the bride’s thunder. Paul would never do that though. And to be fair, Adam Levine isn’t the worst person in this video:

There’s this guy…who almost made it through the ceremony without his “tendencies” bubbling to the surface…

StraighWhiteguy.

This guy, the most implausible “black guy seeing Adam Levine” reaction ever…

unlikelybrother

Asian folk selling out for a Maroon 5 video by dancing like white folks….

asian dancing

White folks selling out for a Maroon 5 video dancing like the Asian folks….

whitebreakdancer

Then this guy… for not sacking up and telling Adam Levine to hit the bricks.

realguy

A Very Special Christmas Volume 7-“Can I get in your heart today.”

Finally, somebody told Sting to fuckoff and we’ve got some fresh blood in the A Very Special Christmas franchise. It’s no Santa Baby, but something about the passion and smartly crafted lyrics makes this the holiday jam of the year. Sure, there’s no mention of anything remotely connected to Christmas, snow, or Baby Jesus, but I believe the “Can I get get in your heart today” line rings true to all of us who have ever endured a lonely Christmas.