Now it’s “Just for the Articles”


   Flashback to an early spring day in 1992 when a couple of young men decided they were ready to explore the water tower area of Wedge Park. What they were looking for was an urban legend of sorts. Older brothers and cousins passed on the stories of them being buried in the brush near the entrance to the tower. PLAYBOYS!!!

These magazines were everything to young men. They were the left over cooler after a family party or a Phil Plantier rookie card and you cherished them. Rumor has it, these particular mags were put there for safe keeping from some nosey parents. Hell, it was like the JC Penny catalog took Molly. This was pre-Internet, if you were lucky to have cable TV then maybe you would catch nudity for 3 seconds or, on a great day, maybe a “Red shoe diary” on Showtime. If you found or owned a Playboy you were the happiest kid in the world.

We were looking for the Holy Grail and a chance that buried amongst the bushes was more bush. Well, the legend was true. Torn and tattered they were there and turned a lot of young men into teenagers. It was tough going back then for young men to learn about the opposite sex. I’ll be telling my kids about the tough times just like I heard about The Great Depression from my grandparents.

Now 23 years later the Playboy magazine that I knew and cared about is as dead as Bruce Jenners Sunday golf foursome. Crazy Hugh Hefner has popped one too many viagras. That insane pervert has decided to remove the nudity from the magazine and become more of a men’s lifestyle magazine! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!!!!???

Okay here they come…

  • That’s like non-alcoholic whiskey
  • Santa has decided to become a woman
  • The Cubs are going to win the World Series
  •  Pandas and Zebras are now both racist
  • My brother having water at Lunch
  • Irish guys are now getting tan
  • I’m in a good mood
  • Asians having a driving school
  • CIBF and Crew getting shit from trolls
  • Belichick not being a dick to the media
  • Stephen Hawking wins NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Dogs and cats living together….Mass Hysteria!

Someone call the Airforce, the Russian mob, fucking Superman!  Somebody stop this martini-pickled-genital-wart from ruining an American tradition. I mean its fucking Playboy for Christ sakes! Why don’t you rename it “Douche Magazine”. I can see it now with special articles about tight jeans, recycling and glasses for people who don’t need glasses.

Yes, everyone just goes to the Internet for porn now and it’s much easier. But where will washed up celebrities show off their jugs? Like I can’t go online and check out the chick from Step by Step, Small Wonder or one of the broads from K.I.D.S Incorporated randomly. They get signed by Playboy and peak everyone’s interest so it’s okay to look. It’s not creepy if it’s in Playboy, but the minute I Google “naked pics of the hot broad from The Goonies” I suddenly feel dirty (for only 4-5 secs). So someone call Hef give him some cocaine, a 22 yr old stewardess from Nebraska and tell him to cut the shit.

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