Author Archives: Pistoffirishman

About Pistoffirishman

I'm a married father of two boys, I also have a long term civil union with alcohol and anger. Some people say one causes the other but I don't give a shit. In between work, marriage and binges I try to get a rise out of people. Why? You ask. Because I'm bored, Nightcourt isn't on nick at night anymore, and my wife hid my god damn whiskey. So what of it!!! Follow on twitter at @pistoffirishman

A ”Lochte” to hate about this Olympics

Police say Ryan Lochte, swimmers lied about alleged robbery

derp-67

Police said the swimmers were confronted by security guards carrying guns after leaving a party at the French hospitality house.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Rio police said on Thursday that four U.S. Olympic swimmers who claimed they were robbed at gunpoint fabricated their story to cover up for a drunken night that ended with them vandalizing a gas station bathroom.

“It seems that they lied,” said Fernando Veloso, chief of Rio’s civil police. “No robbery was committed against these athletes. They were not victims of the crimes they claimed.”

Veloso’s statements at a jam-packed afternoon news conference followed a chaotic and confusing week for the U.S. team and cast a pall over the final days of the 2016 Summer Olympics. What started as a case of U.S. athletes falling victim to Rio’s notorious crime could end up leaving a black eye instead on the four American medalists.

Early Sunday morning, Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were riding home from a party at France House — a restaurant/bar set up for the Olympics — when they said they were pulled over by men pretending to be police officers and were robbed. Lochte was the most explicit, saying one of the men put a gun to his forehead before taking their money.

Veloso gave a far different account. He said the four swimmers stopped at a gas station and one of them broke down the bathroom door and police found damage to a soap dispenser and a mirror.

The athletes were confronted by security officers, and they offered the gas station employees $20 and 100 Brazilian reais (about $33 U.S.). Veloso said the swimmers continued being belligerent, prompting a security officer to show his gun. But he said no excessive force was used and there was no way the swimmers could have interpreted the situation as a robbery.

There have been some pretty big fuck ups when we talk about celebrities (even half-ass fringe celebrities) doing stupid ass shit. Hugh Grant hiring a hooker that looked like Samuel L. Jackson on a good day.  Pee Wee Herman treating his own Herman to a good time in a public theater, The list goes on and on.  OJ, Aaron Hernandez, Rae Carruth, Evil Kanievel jumping over the canyon; all really fucking stupid things to do. Then we have a washed up reality show SWIMMER in the Olympics, which no one has even cared about since before Bruce Jenner stopped buying Goldbond powder.

Anyway, breaking this story down to the core is real simple.

  1. Shithead Swimmer  goes out and gets hammered with 3 other grape smugglers.

2.  On the way home they stop at gas station. The gas station won’t let them use the bathroom, so they piss all over the place.  As swimmers tend to do.

3.  Swimmers get in a fight with the attendant and break a door.

4.  So the head idiot swimmer decides “Hey guys I have this covered, We just tell them we got robbed at gun point.

Even for  a pancake brain like Lochte, making this allegation is completely moronic. How about the other 3 fucking idiots thinking “Yeah great idea Ryan nothing can go wrong with this plan”. This plan is equal to getting pulled over for a DUI and telling the cop “I wasn’t drinking, the booze drank me” (side note I’ve tried this it doesn’t work).

Here is how you explain Ryan Lochte.

Picture the United States as a giant High School. Ryan Lochte is stuffed in a locker, in the girls locker room. That’s it…end of comparison. We all know this guy is a fucking idiot. This shithead had a reality show on E! that was cancelled. You know how hard that is to do? For Christ sake that network will show basically anyone that will bang a black guy that plays a sport and that pansy wouldn’t even bother to blow Brittney Griner (USA WBBALL) to keep his show going. What a coward!

brittney-griner-doing-interview-160847_thumb_585x795

Okay here’s my favorite part of my blogs…They are the one liners that I love so much.

Things Lochtes buddies would have rather done that night then lie about being robbed

-Accompanied the North Korean losing athletes home to face Kim Jong Un

-Taken a dip in the Poop Ocean in RIO

-Tried to piece together all the severed limbs that wash up on RIOs beach

-Go to a gay club with some new friends they met from Syria

-Find Michael Phelps’ one other friend

-Try to help Bob Costas make those fudge cookies in his tree

-Help pay for all the abortions that will be needed just from the USA Basketball team

-Hang around with Brazils best known celebrity- The bubble bee guy on The Simpsons

41da10aa21ad0895037db3722d170553_simpBumblebeeMan_f_JPG-Climb up to the Jesus statue and find out its really The DUDE  from “The Big Lebowski”

-Chill with the Horse Dancing guys because…they gotta know how to party, right?

Lochte is so stupid he can’t finish a Highlights magazine.

He is so stupid he has Velcro shoes that match his wallet.

 He is so awful that his favorite sport is fucking swimming.

If Ryan Lochte was a cartoon character he would be fucking Millhouse from The Simpsons. Nobody needs him but if he is there no one notices anyway.

And so, just  go away Ryan.  Go crawl in a hole and leave productive humans alone. Or at least til you smoke some bath salts and eat someone’s face off like that kid in Florida. (Seriously did you see that shit? Way more entertaining then the Olympics.)

See you in 2020!

Advertisements

Booze as a disability? Is this Bar open?

By: Scott Wolf 

Former head coach Steve Sarkisian has sued USC for $30 million for wrongful termination and failure to help him treat his alcoholism.
Former USC coach Steve Sarkisian filed a lawsuit against the university on Monday saying he was “kicked to the curb” instead of being allowed to seek treatment for alcoholism.

Sarkisian’s lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, blamed athletic director Pat Haden for wrongful termination and seeks $12.6 million, which is the remainder of his contract at USC, plus unspecified punitive damages for “mental anguish.” He also blamed his high-stress job and collapse of his marriage for his alcohol dependency.

The lawsuit claimed Sarkisian “pleaded” with Haden to give him time away from his job to seek treatment, but Haden placed him on indefinite leave on Oct. 11 and fired him by text the next day.

————————————————————————————————————-

Booze is a disability? How is making everything awesome even midnight Christmas Mass a disability! I’m kidding, of course alcohol is a disability.  If you have to start wearing Velcro sneakers because the booze won’t let you tie your shoes, then its a disability. If you wake up next to a midget in clown makeup, then its a disability. If you start to understand the Asian guy taking your order at Wah Sang at 3am, then its a disability. If you start to think “You know I would do Caitlin Jenner in a pinch” then its a disability.The problem with this story is did Coach inform his boss of his issue?  Nobody is buying that Sarkisian remembers speaking with his bosses about his alcohol issue in the first place. The only thing this guy remembers is that the packy opens at 10am and takes cash only (or cheerleader underwear in certain circumstances).  Yes, the guy has a problem. Any time you wake up face down at a podium… in the middle of a spaghetti dinner…while you were making the speech…you might want to put the Schnapps down.

(Where is this bartender?)

The real problem in this situation was Sarkisian was trying live his college years all over again. Who among us hasn’t done the same thing? Maybe you stop in at a local watering hole on your way home from work.  Proceed to down Fireball shots, play Buck Hunter, talk about how the Swatch watch was your idea and then argue with the wooden Indian statue about who could serve a beer faster Woody or Sam Malone (The correct answer is Woody by the way.  Those corn-fed Midwesterners know how to work.  Just ask Orvil Redenbacher.) then maybe we should talk?

(Christ buddy, its almost 10am, bartender what the fuck)

Drinking on the job is bad mojo. Sure, at lunch, smoke breaks, walking to the bathroom; but while working is just not cool. The big question is did he deserve to lose his job because he was brushing his teeth with Doctor McGuilicuddy?’s  Sadly, yes he did. Unless he went into his boss’ office and said this simple phrase “I have a problem and need help“. He has to admit the problem or there really isn’t anything for USC to do but fire him. Believe me, I know something about addiction. If I buy one more season of Greys Anatomy on DVD my wife is throwing me out on my ass.  I hope Coach gets the help he needs.

(as I sip my Rum and Coke)

 

Christmas Specials Revisited: Week 1 Frosty the Snowman

Its that time of year again when we all distract ourselves with the Christmas season so we don’t have to come to grips with the fact we won’t see the sun for 3 more months. Before there was Netflix, DVDs, and the internet, we all waited for this time of year to see our favorite specials on television. I thought there was no better time than now for me to revisit some of these with my own kids. So, once a week I’m going to sit down with the family and review a beloved childhood favorite until Christmas arrives. I may have a few Slainte’s throughout the course of the viewing but hey…

“LAYOFF ME IT WAS A LONG DAY”

The first review of the season is…

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (1969)

06frosty

The special starts out with a cartoon version of Jimmy Durante dancing around and using every ounce of energy not to sniff up the entire town with that giant cartoon schnoz. I know Durante had a big nose in real life but this thing looks like he could sniff a line of cocaine out of Khloe Kardashians arm hair.  Durante is the narrator of the story and in between his own Crown Royal pulls and ‘snow’ bumps we see a school in the beginning of the program.

For whatever reason there is a terrible magician trying to pull “Hocus” the rabbit out of a hat. What kind of school has fucking Magicians?  The only magic I ever saw in school was the health posters telling you not to high five kids with open hand wounds.  This shitty magician throws the hat away not knowing that it was magic.  He was probably more worried about the little girl he tied to the train tracks.

Now we see all the kids are playing outside and they decide to make a snowman. They are all doing there part and then one of them says to Karen (clearly, the slutty one) “You make the head“.  I laughed harder at that line then any joke I’ve heard in a month. As we all know they name the snowman ‘Frosty’.  However, one kid actually threw the suggestion to name it ‘Oatmeal‘ which would been way better for fuck sake.  You meet a guy named Oatmeal you know there is a great story behind that name. Calling him Frosty was just plain lazy. Peehole, Tincup, Chesty Larue, Beast, Oatmeal; now those are great nicknames and not just an observation like these boring-ass, unimaginative  kids.

While I have no understanding of the Nielsen system, I would bet a corncob pipe and button nose that if this special was named Peehole  the Snowman it would have tripled Frosty’s ratings over the last 1/2 century.  That’s Branding 101, people.

Anyway, the magic is in the hat that brings this Olaf-on-steroids to life. But why the pipe? Nowadays if you see a white guy with a top hat and a pipe you’re probably in a yoga class in Brookline listening to The Avett Brothers.  So, the kids become friends with the snowman, try to keep the creepy (most likely registered Level 3 sex offender) magician away from getting his magic hat back. They try to get Frosty to the North Pole to a save his life… blah, blah, blah, kids crying, Santa gets involved, he is made of magic Christmas Snow, he dies, comes back, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Bottom line, I fucking hate Frosty.  Its terrible.  If I was in this cartoon I would have thrown a Duraflame at him the minute I saw him. Bunch of naïve kids hanging around with a giant fat white guy? Sounds a lot like John Wayne Gacy if you ask me.

(Not to mention The Challenge is on MTV right now. Yeah I know.  Plus this year everyone is partnered up with family members. Can you imagine the fights? Shit I fight with my brothers over how many incompletions Brady had Sunday, never mind over competitions involving carrying a lemon in your ass cheeks for half a mile. In reality its must see TV this holiday season, even if only to see the broad that looks like cousin Leo from SeinfeldHELLO!)

the-challenge-bloodlines-2015-recap-premiere-there-will-be-blood

But I digress…

Final Grade on Frosty the Snowman:  F –

Just a really bad effort even for 1969 standards. Next week we get to some actual good shit.

 

Two and a Half Years til AIDS

The man, the myth, the legend has come down with “the BUG”. Let’s put this news into perspective. Who didn’t think Charlie Sheen had HIV? I mean, of course he did! He has had more hookers then I have had Miller Lites, and last time I checked that’s a shit load. You don’t think one of those wonderful ladies of the night may have been carrying a ‘little friend’ with her?  Let’s not act like this guy has any trouble fitting his angel wings through the door. Little Chuckie has been living life like Motley Crüe since Platoon was at Route 3 cinema. I have, on good authority, confirmed that all of the following statements were said by Charlie Sheen since he found out he has HIV

  •   Listen babe, Charlie Sheen has HIV, I’m Carlos Estevez
  •   I told Cosby that chick looked skanky
  •   With HIV, PTSD, ADD and SARS I would like to solve the puzzle, Pat
  •   I probably got it from fucking Dorns wife
  •   When Magic asks you to be blood brothers you do it!!!
  •   My mom always said that the 7,000th hooker would be trouble
  •   Rickey Vaughn put the AIDS in ‘Rolaids relief pitcher’
  •   The guy at the petting zoo told me that donkey was clean
  •    Jesus, Doc, you scared me.  It’s only HIV.  Phew!  I thought it was something serious like crabs
  •   This is God getting back at me for Major League 2
  •   A little Robitussin, a shit load of cocaine and I’ll be back in business

  •    I think I won STD Bingo
  •    I talked to Michael J. and our new crime fighting show “Shakey and the BUG  Save New York” will be HUGE
  •   I’m rich, man, it’s cool
  •  I’m still WINNING

You will be fine Charlie. Just keep your head up and remember this old Irish proverb my Grandmother used to tell me…

Blowing cocaine and banging hookers all day long will eventually ruin your #1 sitcom, make people forget Wall Street and Platoon and give you AIDS.”

That lady sure had lot of wisdom.

 

Now it’s “Just for the Articles”

 HUGH

   Flashback to an early spring day in 1992 when a couple of young men decided they were ready to explore the water tower area of Wedge Park. What they were looking for was an urban legend of sorts. Older brothers and cousins passed on the stories of them being buried in the brush near the entrance to the tower. PLAYBOYS!!!

These magazines were everything to young men. They were the left over cooler after a family party or a Phil Plantier rookie card and you cherished them. Rumor has it, these particular mags were put there for safe keeping from some nosey parents. Hell, it was like the JC Penny catalog took Molly. This was pre-Internet, if you were lucky to have cable TV then maybe you would catch nudity for 3 seconds or, on a great day, maybe a “Red shoe diary” on Showtime. If you found or owned a Playboy you were the happiest kid in the world.

We were looking for the Holy Grail and a chance that buried amongst the bushes was more bush. Well, the legend was true. Torn and tattered they were there and turned a lot of young men into teenagers. It was tough going back then for young men to learn about the opposite sex. I’ll be telling my kids about the tough times just like I heard about The Great Depression from my grandparents.

Now 23 years later the Playboy magazine that I knew and cared about is as dead as Bruce Jenners Sunday golf foursome. Crazy Hugh Hefner has popped one too many viagras. That insane pervert has decided to remove the nudity from the magazine and become more of a men’s lifestyle magazine! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!!!!???

Okay here they come…

  • That’s like non-alcoholic whiskey
  • Santa has decided to become a woman
  • The Cubs are going to win the World Series
  •  Pandas and Zebras are now both racist
  • My brother having water at Lunch
  • Irish guys are now getting tan
  • I’m in a good mood
  • Asians having a driving school
  • CIBF and Crew getting shit from trolls
  • Belichick not being a dick to the media
  • Stephen Hawking wins NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Dogs and cats living together….Mass Hysteria!

Someone call the Airforce, the Russian mob, fucking Superman!  Somebody stop this martini-pickled-genital-wart from ruining an American tradition. I mean its fucking Playboy for Christ sakes! Why don’t you rename it “Douche Magazine”. I can see it now with special articles about tight jeans, recycling and glasses for people who don’t need glasses.

Yes, everyone just goes to the Internet for porn now and it’s much easier. But where will washed up celebrities show off their jugs? Like I can’t go online and check out the chick from Step by Step, Small Wonder or one of the broads from K.I.D.S Incorporated randomly. They get signed by Playboy and peak everyone’s interest so it’s okay to look. It’s not creepy if it’s in Playboy, but the minute I Google “naked pics of the hot broad from The Goonies” I suddenly feel dirty (for only 4-5 secs). So someone call Hef give him some cocaine, a 22 yr old stewardess from Nebraska and tell him to cut the shit.

Shower thoughts….More like Shitter Thoughts

poop

Alright I know, I haven’t posted in quiet a bit but tSohings happen in the summer that you can’t control. Between the working 2 jobs, a couple vacations, screaming kids, buying a new house, golf, drinking and more drinking its not exactly easy to get to a computer screen to type out some shit. So where do I start, do I bitch about Deflategate, Espn, start of the NFL season, ISIS, Donald Trump, or the fact that Bruce Jenner still has a cock.  So since I am way behind on a lot of this crap that people seem to care about I figure I will just hammer out my nonsense opinion and hopefully only offend half of you people.

  • Espn is aweful, we all know this but trying to find Fox Sports 1 on my cable guide is like trying to find One Eyed Willies Treasure. Yeah I am sure it exisits but finding it, I need a rag tag group of kids, a deformed super freak, and at least 2 BMXs. I don’t have that kinda time.
  • Deflategate….Please, all these assholes in the league are pissed that Brady told them to study the rule book. Did he know about the balls pressure, or order the code red. YOUR GOD DAMN RIGHT HE DID. He has a greater responsibility then you can possible fathom. You weep for Baltimore, and you curse the Patriots, You have that luxury. You have that luxury of knowing that the Colts and Ravens losing sucked for their fan base but probably saved lives. Brady’s existence while awesome and unbelievable saves Patriots fans lives. You don’t want to talk about the 4 Superbowls because deep down in places you don’t talk about Brady’s 4 rings, but you need him on that wall, you want him on that wall NFL. The Patriots use words like honor, code, loyalty. The NFL uses these words as a punchline.  The Patriots don’t have the time or inclination to explain themselves to the other shitty teams, make them millions and then have them question the manner in which New England did so. Brady would rather the NFL say thank you and went on their way. Either way The New England Patriots and Tom Brady don’t give a damn what you think!!!!
  • If your at the Beach and your playing paddle ball with someone who doesn’t know how to play paddle ball then your not playing paddle ball. This also applies to Frisbee.
  • Stop giving Bruce Jenner credit for playing dress up. Until he cuts it off, he is just doing what the show “The Kids in the Hall” did for a decade.
  • If you fart and then pause to see if you shit yourself, then you shit yourself
  • Moving to a new house is a lot like getting a colonoscopy. You cry a little bit, Everyone is up your ass about every little thing, you wake up sore in the morning, and its a life changing experience.
  • It was a hot summer but every time some asshole tried to rationalize it by saying “we deserve it after the winter we had” a Angel was caught jerking off by Jesus.
  • Donald Trump is like a drunk uncle, everybody loves him but nobody takes him serious. We all just say “oh don’t mind him he is harmless, just get him some Dewars on the rocks”.
  • Pringles are not chips, they are crackers because they come in a sleeve
  • Camping for people that own a house is like role playing being homeless
  • I figure you aren’t rich until you have and use a bathrobe on a constant basis
  • Why there isn’t a sequel to the movie “Let it Ride” is beyond me
  • I believe every office should have some kind of Time Out system where you can tell whoever you want to go fuck themselves then spend 10 mins in the corner until you have to lie and apologize
  • Why isn’t there a Gold bond station on the golf course?
  • If your a single guy and don’t go the dog route. Here is the scale according to women. Having a kitten makes you cute, a cat is kinda creepy, bunny is a ticking time bomb to domestic violence and multiple cats is a serial killer. So get a puppy and save lives.
  • If you want to go to a Red Sox game you should have to check your phone at the gate. All these fucking James Taylor loving, multiple degree having, satchel wearing, proper English speaking, robe wearing fuck faces need to pay attention at the game. Stop bitching about the dental bill you have to pay because you were looking at face book to see when Muffy was having a Newburyport social to support Cat lovers. You paid $300 for the god damn ticket, pay attention, and stop yelling about getting a net. Take it from someone who got hit with a foul ball from Mike Greenwell when I was 10 years old. My Dad didn’t make the play, nor did I, it went off my face, almost broke my cheekbone. Bounced off my face 5 rows away, only reason I got the ball was because the crowd chanted “give the kid the ball”. I ended up getting the ball signed by Greenwell too. The prick signed it “nice catch”, you believe that shit. He put nice catch in quotes. What a dick. Ellis Burks was always better anyway.
  • I need a Hammock for reasons I can’t explain
  • Any time somebody asks me for specific vodka when I work I always give them Poland Springs vodka, fuck them they have no idea.