Out of Bounds?….Not for Tiger

 

Report: Tiger Woods linked to Jason Dufner’s ex-wife Amanda

Tiger Woods has been linked to Amanda Boyd, ex-wife of PGA Tour golfer Jason Dufner, in a report by the National Enquirer.

Boyd, whose divorce with Dufner was filed in March, reportedly cheated on Dufner with Woods.

Woods’ agent Mark Steinberg told Golfweek at the Greenbrier Classic in White Sulphur Springs, W.Va., where Woods will begin play beginning Thursday, that the report is “a complete fabrication.”

“I couldn’t deny this more vehemently,” Steinberg said. “There is less than zero strand of truth to it. 100 percent false. 100 percent fabricated and zero credence. Absolutely, unequivocally untrue. They are not even acquaintances. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Woods, who recently broke up with champion skier Lindsey Vonn, also has been connected with cheating in recent reports.

Woods, 39, will play this week at the Greenbrier Classic. He owns 79 PGA Tour victories, 14 of which are major championships, but has not won since 2013.

Dufner, 38, a three-time winner on Tour, last won at the 2013 PGA Championship.

Woods and wife Elin Nordegren divorced in 2010 after a series of Woods’ extramarital affairs came to light, initially because of a November 2009 expose in the Enquirer.

– Adam Schupak contributed

I read this story and my initial reaction was that Tiger couldn’t be a bigger scumbag. Stealing his buddy’s wife and wrecking his marriage to one of the hottest women on tour?  So as I sat shaking my fist in the air cursing that toilet toothed 10 handicap dickhead, I came to realize “Why wouldn’t Tiger try to sleep with her?”. I mean think about it; he is divorced, money coming out the ass, board with golf, and this southern chick wants to show Tiger just how much she hates her Dad, Husband and the confederate flag all at the same time.

I know exactly how it happened too. Tiger was on probably on his way to Walgreens for sun tan lotion after running out just doing Lyndsay Vonns left leg and he bumped into Amanda. She was there picking up a birthday present for Jason. Most likely a pocket fisherman and a coozie that says “My handicap is a small penis“. They strike up a conversation about how their black Amex never swipes correctly or why he sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy impression when he talks to the media. Then while walking out Amanda accidentally mentions how much she loves the romantic setting of a Waffle House parking lot. Bam, just like that she is changing ball types, shafts, playing out of the rough and hoping for a hole in one (enough golf puns yet?).

After having Tiger Woods, she is leaving you faster then Donald Trump leaving a ‘Maid and Landscaper convention’. It really is a sad situation but life happens fast when your rich and have no responsibilities. So now Jason Dufner is divorced and its all Tigers fault. Lyndsay Vonn left Tiger and went back to her snow cave to tend to Luke Skywalker. Poor Amanda goes on walking crooked for a week but sleeps soundly on pillows of Jason’s money. Tiger is a dick for doing that to his friend but he couldn’t help himself. He has been getting everything he wants in life since he was 5 years old. Its like asking a T-Rex not to hunt, a dog not to lick his balls, or for Khloe Khardasian to stop attacking Japan.

Yes, Jason I am sure your heart broken, but look at the bright side of what has happened. You lost a ton of weight.  You’re playing golf again without being nagged constantly and you don’t have to watch Dance Moms anymore.

Here are a few more things that should cheer you up:

– You don’t have to go to all those Rap concerts she dragged you to

– You can hang with Dustin Johnson again without getting yelled at

–  Football in 11 Sundays

– She probably got herpes from Tiger

– No more trips to Bed Bath and Beyond

– Plenty of young nannies named Inga on Tour to corrupt

– Go make fun of Lee Westwood for his tooth gap

– Rambo: First Blood Part 2 is on tonight on AMC

– Get rid of that shit little foo foo dog that I am sure she had you get

– You’re a PRO GOLFER – SO STOP BEING A PUSSY

It’s over pal.  Just bring Tiger a half case of Heineken and half a bottle of Hennessy and make up. You guys can’t let an incredible piece of ass come between friends. Its not like its a $5 dollar Nassau.

Any way you look at it…. These guys really do Suck

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   So after this abortion of a winter all you really want to do is play a little golf, cook on the grill and watch the sox have a good season. Well, you can cancel that third option. I kept telling myself “you know its still early” “these guys can’t be that bad” “Once the cocaine and HGH shows up they will be fine” and yet nothing. I don’t know why we even thought they would be any good in the first place. We always preach -Defense and pitching wins championships. So what does the scarecrow of an owner do? Tells his people to buy the fat asian 3rd baseman, and anyone at Canobie Lake Park that hits 82mph on the fast pitch game.

     The manager is terrible, the GM has Luccinos hand up his ass like a sock puppet, and ownership is trying to sell this team to us as hard as a Duggar kid going through puberty at a family reunion. Come clean you bunch of jack wagons and admit that its over. Its that time where we as a fan base have to have a intervention and tell the owners. Guys….Papi is all done, Hanley needs a new set of needles, Panda put the sandwich down..and the other one (as skittles fall out of his pocket), Pitching staff you all need to take a lap around Blue Hill Ave at midnight. So what should we do now that we have come to this epiphany that the season is over on June 5th.

– Drink some alcoholic root beer and play re-leav-eo like your 9yr olds (no guarding ghouls dick)

– Go up to Happy Hampton Beach and count teeth

– Play MFK with Caitlynn Jenner, Lois Einhorn, or a male Flourist

-Try to grill without a beer in your hand (impossible)

-Hit up Johnny Sabaego and do some jet skiing

-Go see the Entourage Movie and then walk in front of a bus

-Supe up the honda pilot with a nice spoiler and show it off at car wash on Friday nights

-Return all the Heineken bottles after the Asian water festival and by a house in the Hamptons

-Actually buy a ticket to an actual gun show

-Go to Browns for breakfast, lunch and dinner

-Boxhockey, CanJam, Polish Horseshoes, or Irish Horseshoes (just sit, drink and curse the pope)

    So those are my summer plans since baseball is out already. It could always be worse, we could live in Cleveland.

Buddy…Bro….Guy…Man…. Not anymore Dude!

Former Olympic champion Bruce Jenner says that “for all intents and purposes, I am a woman.”

Jenner spoke in a long-awaited interview televised Friday with ABC’s Diane Sawyer about his gender identity, saying he has always been confused about it. Early in the interview, Jenner took out his ponytail to let his long hair flow behind him.

“My brain is more female than it is male,” said Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion who has been better known in recent years as part of television’s omnipresent Kardashian family.

Jenner said he hopes that speaking publicly about the gender issues would do some good in the world and vigorously denied that the interview was some sort of publicity stunt to promote the Kardashian reality TV show.

Jenner said he self-identifies as “her,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “he” and “him,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the transgender community.As a young boy, Jenner felt an urge to try on his mother’s and sister’s dresses.

“I didn’t know why I was doing it,” he said. “It just made me feel good.”

Jenner said he told his first two wives about the gender confusion, and it was a factor in the breakup of his second marriage. During the 1980s, he began taking hormones, had surgery to make his nose smaller and was having hair removed from his face and chest.

Jenner said he has never been sexually attracted to men, and he wanted to make clear to viewers that gender identity and sexuality were separate things.

“I am not gay,” Jenner said. “I am, as far as I know, heterosexual. I’ve always been with a woman, raising kids.”

Jenner said he’s gone back to say he was sorry to people in his life hurt by the gender identity issues.

“I’ve apologized to everybody,” Jenner said. “I’ve apologized my whole life.”

He fought back tears and reached for a tissue before the interview even began. Jenner said it was hard to talk about gender issues because of concerns about disappointing people.

Okay haven’t really wrote anything in awhile and I apologize for that. I have had a busy schedule involving children, vacation, booze and roasting some asshole, that took all my energy away from this wonderful blog. So what have I missed, the sox season has kicked off, Bruins threw up on themselves to get to the first tee, and the Celtics just got a beat down like they were in Baltimore police custody. Other stories have come by my desk and I haven’t really wanted to put anything out there. Until Bruce Jenner finally came out as transgender. Who would have thought this gold medal winning Olympian would be hiding that he is really a woman on the inside. Vegas must have really took a hit on this because in that family there was heavy money on Khloe Kardashian having a bigger dick then Shaq.

Now I know that you all expect me to blast him or her with this isn’t how people should live there lives bullshit. Guess what….Who gives a fuck. If somebody wants to dress like a woman, have at it. Shave your adams apple, cut off your boys and shop at the Christmas tree shop for all I care. Hell if I was married to that pile of makeup and OJ seman they call Kris Kardashian I would wear a pink tutu and tell people I was Winston Churchill to get out of it. The best part of this thing is that Kim Kardashian has come out fully supporting Bruce and his transition. Thank god, I’m sure the whole time he was thinking of going public he was worried if his second rate porn star step daughter had his back (just like Ray J did). The only thing worth less then Kim Kardashians opinion is real estate in Nepal. So Bruce Jenner my advice is live your life the way you want buddy, or honey, whatever.

To help your transition here’s some pick up lines you can try on the ladies

“Anyone wanna scissor fight with an Olympian”

“Why don’t we make like my penis and take off”

“It is true what they say about women with big hands, huge vagina”

“I love your shoes do they come in 16s”

“I used to be on the Wheaties box, how about now I get on your box”

“You want to go back to my place and throw the discus”

“Bill Cosby drugged me too, but just to win Battle of Network stars”

“If you play your cards right you can see the Olympic rings I shaved in my back hair”

“Don’t you just love this black dress, I got it from Blaze from American Gladiators”

“Hey dick or no dick who doesn’t want to fuck me with this hair”

“You know what, why don’t you follow me home to be safe”

What do we do now until the Masters?

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The Patriots win the Super Bowl which leads to everyone jumping around hugging one another and telling stories how they saw Brady in traffic once on their way to play miniature golf at happy Hampton. While all this is going on around me, I realize this euphoria of the big win will go away in a few days and I will be stuck with “what the hell am I going to do now for 2 months”. Ya I know “go play with your kids” “do some stuff around the house” yada yada yada. I do all that crap I need to do during the week and save up just for Sunday. Now that’s over, yes the Bruins will be on and I can watch the Celtics if somebody tapes my eyelids open, but just not something I can look forward to all week long like football was. So until Golf replaces that giant hole in my stomach next to the 12 miller lights and tuna sandwich, here are some suggestions that will help me and you get to April.

-Have a Dead Hooker hunt in Warren Sapps backyard
-Camp out near a nice icy spot downtown, and wait for it, its funny every time
-Watch Tiger Woods while he watches skiing
-Have Reggie Bush hold your drink while you go to the bathroom
-Go to Market Basket before a snow storm and try not to kill someone with a skippy jar
-See if you can hold your breath longer then Whitney Houstons Daughter (bet you can’t)
-Make a giant snow penis, also funny every time
-Break into some cars in North Andover
-House of cards,Breaking Bad,Game of Thrones,Walking Dead, just Netflix it
-Pillow case and a staircase
-Drinking and the board game CLUE, shit takes forever when your drunk
-Go to Target and not buy anything (almost impossible)
-Guess the number of kids Gronk and Edleman will have in 9 months
-Say FEB-RU-ARY correctly in a sentence with LI-BRARY

Well these things should at least get you to March Madness and after that its just about clear sailing to the Masters and golf season. Oh ya, you can also try bonding with family members, charity work, church, help your fellow man, you know all that bullshit

Wow you climbed a Big Rock…hey look a dog with a puffy tail

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Yosemite climbers reach top of El Capitan in historic ascent

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Two climbers completed a historic 19-day ascent to the summit of Yosemite National Park’s El Capitan in California on Wednesday after scaling the rock formation’s 3,000-foot (900-metre) sheer granite face without climbing tools, representatives said.
Tmmy Caldwell, 36, and Kevin Jorgeson, 30, made it to the top of El Capitan at 3:30 p.m., spokeswoman Jess Clayton of clothing company Patagonia which played a sponsorship role in the climb, said in an email.
The two men, who were the first to climb El Capitan’s so-called Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools but used safety ropes in case of falls, climbed the rock face in stages beginning on Dec. 27. They had been expected to reach the summit on Wednesday afternoon.
The Dawn Wall of El Capitan is divided into 32 climbing pitches, which are varying lengths of rock that the climbers mastered with only their hands and feet. The wall has been scaled before, first by legendary climber Warren Harding in 1970, but never without climbing tools.
Yvon Chouinard, Patagonia’s founder and owner who climbed El Capitan in 1964, joked about attitudes toward evolution in a tongue-in-cheek statement celebrating the ascent. He said it “leaves Pope Francis with no choice but to admit our closest relative is the chimpanzee.”
Caldwell and Jorgeson reached the final 11 pitches on Tuesday after working their way past some of the toughest stretches on the rock.
Since the warmth of the day caused their hands and feet to perspire, the two often started climbing at dusk. They used ropes and other tools to move back and forth between the pitches they were attempting to master and their campsite, perched high on the rock.
Jorgeson struggled for several days last week on difficult pitch 15, at one point being forced to rest for two days while the skin on his fingers healed after being ripped off by razor-sharp ledges.

Their attempt on El Capitan was closely watched in the climbing world and drew worldwide news headlines and attention on social media as they made progress toward the summit.

Caldwell, 36, who is sponsored by Patagonia and is one of National Geographic’s “adventurers of the year” for 2015, conceived of the climb in 2007, the company said. Jorgeson spent five years preparing for the climb, his website said

Congratulations you guys, on climbing a mountain that has been climbed a million times, but this time you guys did the hard part with no climbing tools. How are people astounded by this? You want to be astounded?  Head down to Cappys Copper Kettle on a Wednesday morning at 9am. Trust me you will see some shit in there that will blow your mind more then two hippy clowns climbing a rock. Not only did you climb a mountain that’s been climbed you did it in 19 days! You know how much stupid shit has impressed me more in the last 19 God damn days.

-My 6 month old shit so hard it went up to his neck!
-My brother drank (19) 30 packs
-Tobes got a kegerator and hasn’t got divorced yet
-Nobody from the NFLhas raped anyone (whoops spoke to soon)
-Danny Amendola caught 2 touchdown passes
-Bill Cosby raped 34 more chicks
-All the Khardashians and Bruce Jenner all slept with black guys
-Ray Lewis used the work “inadequate” correctly in a sentence
-I drank a bottle of red wine trying to be classy til I sharted
-Saw 13 different Asians wearing glasses (GWG)
-Watched Under Siege 3 times
-The Bruins scored more then 2 goals in a game
-Saw a dog fall asleep while licking himself
-Made a telemarketer hang up on me by asking “Who let the dogs out”
-School was canceled due to COLD?  Bullshit.
-Beetlejuice was nominated for an Oscar
-My iPhone didn’t autocorrect ‘Fuck’ to ‘Duck’

So, all of the above were way more impressive in my life than these two playing ‘Cliffhanger‘ on something that’s been done before. Ya, I get it it’s a part that hasn’t been done before without equipment. Give me a break, that’s like saying the guy that killed himself with a rocket launcher to the dome broke the suicide record. Hey guys, go back to Eastern Mountain Sports with your Timberlands, rock climber key chains, and your wrist bands for no reason and shut. the. fuck. up.

 

Christmas Confessions of an Angry Elf

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Well everyone its that time of year again when we slow clap all together for the fact that being drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday isn’t frowned upon because of the Christmas Season. This time of year we try to be better people then we are, spread a little Christmas cheer, and try to block out the fact that the low drum beat in Bing Crosbys “White Christmas” is him beating his son with a sock of marbles.  Not too many people realize this but I have been a Christmas elf for Santa for the last 17 years. When I got my drivers license at 16, Santa learned he could enjoy his dewars a lot more if he had me driving the sleigh. So I have seen it all over the years, from crying kids, spazzy kids, drunk teenagers, drunk cops on duty, cars filled with gifts being stolen and people egging houses on Christmas eve. To help my mental state this year I’ve decided to vent all my angry rants, pet peeves, and really any other bullshit that I feel like writing down.

– Took the family on a nice Christmas light tour of our fine city of Lowell Mass the other night and here are the grades

  • Highlands         B+    -Great effort but too many inflatables and blue Hanukkah lights
  • Pawtucketville   C     – Only saw 2 houses in a 20 min drive through South Dracut
  • South Lowell      B-    – Lost points because the hookers had ugly sweaters
  • Acre               C+   – The guy washing my windshield was dressed as Santa-bonus points
  • Belvidere          F+    – Spot lights on front door wreaths don’t count you jack wagons
  • Centerville  Incomplete  -Didn’t have bullet proof vests that would fit my kids

– I need my Mall Santa to be like my Christmas cartoons, be 70 years old, make my kids smile, and be a bit racist

-Egg nog with no booze in it is just pancake batter

-No more ugly Christmas sweater partys please. The new hip party is called Russian Roulette fruitcake party. One fruit cake is made with some nice Northern California Sinsemilla (weed), One fruit cake has magic mushrooms, and one just plain fruit cake. Now that’s a party and may luck be always in your favor.

CHARL

-How come all my beloved childhood cartoons characters now all remind me of drug addicts. I mean Charlie Brown looks like a meth addict, no hair, can’t kick a football, and thinks his dog is talking to him. Rudolph is blowing coke all night long and no way he passes a DUI checkpoint. The Grinch is all cracked out on pills obviously. Living in a cave, breaking into houses, and has no friends because he a owes them all money.

-If your not leaving out Milk, Cookies, Carrots, and a Budweiser for Santa your doing it wrong

-No kids at Midnight Mass, we are all drunk, we don’t want to be there, and the crying kids aren’t helping

-Every time somebody says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas an Angel gets raped by Bill Cosby

-You get to open one gift on Christmas Eve. If you pick a gift that is socks and underwear you lose and have to go right to bed

-Die Hard is a Christmas movie and should be shown for 24 straight hours just like “A Christmas Story”

-Any toys that have to be assembled on Christmas Morning you are allowed to start drinking no questions asked, believe me it helps or shit can hit the fan like the Power wheels Barbie Car incident of 09′

-Your a bad parent if you don’t position the Elf on the shelf to shit out a Hershey kiss at least once

-Named my Christmas stocking Robin Williams this year, because its furry and just hanging there

-If you can’t point out the drunk inappropriate guy at your office Christmas party then your the drunk inappropriate guy at said party

-Sorry for any F bombs I threw at my family on Christmas last year but Daddy had Michigan St -6.5 and they missed the Fucking extra point

So Merry Christmas everyone and remember…. if there isn’t a little family drama, too much alcohol, crappy gifts and a fist fight or two then it really isn’t a Christmas to remember

XMAS