Hey Ma, Read this Study

Most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics, U.S. study finds

Men drink beer at a restaurant

ATLANTA (Reuters) – Contrary to popular opinion, only 10 percent of U.S. adults who drink too much are alcoholics, according to a federal study released on Thursday, a finding that could have implications for reducing consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

While many people think that most, if not all, heavy drinkers are alcoholics, medical specialists have long suspected that belief is incorrect, said Robert Brewer, an author of a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that analyzed self-reported data from 138,100 U.S. adults.

The study found that 90 percent of heavy drinkers fell short of the criteria for alcoholism. Women who have eight or more drinks per week and men who have 15 or more are considered heavy drinkers.

Signs of alcoholism include an inability to stop or reduce drinking, continuing to drink even after it causes problems with family or work, and excessive time spent drinking each day.

Only a third of those who admitted binge drinking 10 or more times in the previous month were alcoholics, the study found. The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single occasion.

Alcoholism was most common among those with annual family incomes of less than $25,000, according to the study.

Heavy drinkers should not cheer the new study’s results, Brewer cautioned.

Drinking too much is unhealthy, killing 88,000 people annually regardless of whether the drinker is an alcoholic, the CDC said. Health effects include breast cancer, liver and heart disease and auto accidents.

“Anybody who takes from this paper that excessive drinking is not dangerous unless you are dependent is simply not getting the message, which is that drinking too much is bad, period,” Brewer said.

That said, it is important to quantify the percentage of alcoholics among heavy drinkers in order to develop effective strategies for reducing alcohol consumption, Brewer said.

For example, alcoholics may require treatment to stop drinking, while non-alcoholics might cut back if alcohol taxes were raised or the number of stores allowed to sell alcohol is reduced, Brewer said.

“The great preponderance of people who are drinking too much are not candidates for specialized treatment but they can be helped in other ways,” Brewer said

Where was this story about 15 years ago when I was getting lectured on how drinking every night in bars at the age of 17 is going to lead me down a terrible path? This new study is going on my fridge and in my wallet, so I can whip it out every time some clown wants to question why I’m having whiskey with my Cheerios. Just because you pass out from time to time in the kids pack n play or down all the scope because you forgot you couldn’t buy beer before 12 on Sunday, doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings every Tuesday night. This study can help everyone out there that thinks they have a problem after waking up next to some 58 year sloth from Goonies looking woman from the Worthen. You just wake up read this study and say, I don’t have a problem, I was just making memories last night.  This study is also excellent to read after saying or doing the following stupid shit.

”Ya sure, lets go to Cappy’s Copper Kettle”

”Taco Bell sounds awesome”

“No I didn’t shit myself from drinking, I gambled on a fart and lost”

“I just watched Rain Man..lets go to Foxwoods, pretty sure I can count cards now”

“These mushrooms won’t last that long right”

”Okay let’s play for $100 a hole and I’ll only use my 7 iron”

“We should totally just egg that assholes house”

“Is the Club Diner still open?”

“Im telling you The Blue Moon is classy now”

“Honey, that cable bill is wrong, why would I order ’18 Inch Black Monsters’?”

“Okay 1 more Jameson then I gotta go coach soccer”

“Must have been the Taco Bell last night, thank God this toilet is nice and cold”

“So I took a nap under the pool table….big whoop”

“That’s not an adams apple, she is just Korean”

You can thank me later for this but you start drinking White Zin and going to James Taylor shows, then you have a problem. Other than that you’re just making great stories.

Sexually Assaulted with Laughter

Bill Cosby ‘Late Show’ Appearance Canceled After Rape Allegations Resurface

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In yet another canceled appearance, Bill Cosby will no longer be on The Late Show next week.

Cosby had been schedule for the Nov. 19 episode, but has been replaced on the schedule with Regis Philbin, to whom host David Letterman has often turned to fill in when a guest cancels.

It is unclear if Cosby or The Late Show canceled the appearance.  A rep for The Late Show did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but she told The New York Times she could not “comment on the booking process.”

Cosby has been the center of controversy after allegations he sexually assaulted multiple women resurfaced. In 2006, the comedian settled out of court with a woman who claimed he’d sexually assaulted her. According to court documents, the attorneys planned to bring forward 13 other women with similar allegations. Cosby has denied these allegations.

But the claims resurfaced after critics complained that a new Cosby biography left out the rape allegations. A rant from stand-up comedian Hannibal Buress about the allegations also brought them to the forefront, as well as the news in January that Cosby was reteaming with NBC for a new sitcom.

Cosby recently withdrew from a planned appearance on The Queen Latifah Show, while a meme contest publicized on Cosby’s Twitter account became a platform for his critics to lash out at the comedian over the rape allegations.

When I first read this story I immediately assumed that Cosby was guilty and could see him luring these young actress’ with promises of introducing them to Theo, Cockroach and Dwayne Wayne.  Then something in my head said “Wait a minute he hasn’t been convicted of forcing his pudding pop on anyone yet”. How many times have we seen people falsely accused and have their careers ruined. So I am not going to judge one way or the other until I hear all the facts and circumstances. It was the late 80’s and early 90’s for Christ sake,  Hell if Bill Cosby offered me a late night drink and a trip to see his sweater lair I’m there in a heart beat. Id get to hear how he came up with the idea of the “pudding pop” after a threesome with Paula Poundstone and Lazer form American Gladiators.

Its probably all a misunderstanding to begin with…..

Maybe these women were cutting his hair at the salon and he had his elbows out to far.

Its possible these incidences all happened during Ghost Dad and Bill thought nobody could see him.

Did he really think he was a Doctor and did breast exams?

Didn’t anyone think that maybe these women are only after his money from Leonard Part 6.

A Umass Amherst student would never do that

Although he did keep saying “I SPY boobies”

Maybe this woman was cleaning his teeth and he had his elbows out to far.

Its always sad when you see these types of allegations finally coming to light when these celebrities are older. Bill Cosby is 78 years old now and Fat albert has been dead from diabetes a long time but these stories need to be heard. Guilty or not its all different now, because when I sit down to watch Cosby now all I’m going to think about is that he assaulted all these actresses with Dizzy Gillespies trumpet.  End of an era….

Election Night Bartending = Somebody shoot me

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There are many nights that a bartender knows that he is going to be hassled with bullshit stories no matter what he does. Valentines Day you get “how come I can’t meet someone”, Thanksgiving eve you have to pretend you give a shit about how the kid in High school that sold you mushrooms is all sober now and St. Patricks’ day it’s usually just family fighting about who’s round it is. But then there is Election Day when every one is either Jon Stewart or that dink with the bow tie. So I had to work this past election night and got two wonderful point of views. One point of view was that Charlie Baker-Scott Brown are our salvation and that Obama is the head of ISIS. Then I got out of work and had a few with the common folk who are all Mickey Wards cousins, on disability from roofing, and are allergic to toothbrushes. All had great opinions on the races-political, human, and horse. Now I usually check my politics and religion at the door when having a few chardonnays but these wonderful people had some quotes that take care of both Democrat and Republican issues.

“I don’t know how Charlie Baker isn’t up by 85%”

“I swear the only reason that Asian guy got in was because he had them coming down the Merrimack in Dragon Boats”

“All the women and minorities are now getting elected because of the fat cats on Wall St.”

“I bet diamonds to donuts that she plays for the other team and so does her husband”

“So we can start using poker machines in here now right”

“The only reason Beast held a sign for Freddie was because he got a free 12 of Bud”

“She isn’t conceding the race because she’s a cut up not toasted”

“Where the hell is Palin city and is there free Saki”

“I can bitch all I want about politics because I didn’t vote”

“In ten years the American flag will be nothing but rainbows”

“Weed has always been legal, ya just gotta know a guy”

“So this is our countries best, spewing garbage all over the tv, put on the horse racing channel, I wanna bet the 1030 at Pimlico”

“That’s it, I moving to Chelmsford”

Yup that’s America right there folks and on that note… I need a drink

S

A

Countdown to Ebola being officially funny

Ebola News Guide: Deaths keep rising; world reacts

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American Marines scrambled to add Ebola treatment beds in Liberia on Friday, while the U.S. and Britain readied new disease screenings for passengers arriving at their airports from West Africa. Doctors tried out experimental drugs in a global battle against the deadly sickness

The U.N. said nations must all work together — and fast — or “the world will have to live with the Ebola virus forever.”

The death toll in West Africa passed 4,000 for the first time in the World Health Organization’s count of confirmed and suspected Ebola cases.

As worry ricocheted around the globe, medical records obtained by The Associated Press underscored questions about the United States’ front-line defenses. The Dallas hospital that initially missed the nation’s first Ebola diagnosis put a Liberian man through a battery of tests and CT scans for appendicitis, stroke and other serious ailments before sending him home, the records show.

Before he was released, Thomas Eric Duncan’s fever spiked to 103 degrees, he reported severe pain and told a nurse that he’d recently come from Africa. But doctors didn’t think of Ebola until he returned to the hospital two days later by ambulance. On Wednesday, Duncan became the first person to die of Ebola in the United States.

“As long as there is one case of Ebola in any one of these countries, no country is safe from the dangers posed by this deadly virus,” said Anthony Banbury, who heads the new United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response.

So the new plague is upon us and everyone is freaking out because they think the runny nose they have is the Ebola virus. Lets get something straight everyone, unless you are looking for blood diamonds, Carmen Sandiego, or having dinner at Dikembe Motumbo’s house, you are going to be fine. Now there are some good things that could happen to the USA if this disease does spread. Its the old Buffalo Theory from cheers, all this disease will do is thin the heard. It will knock all the idiots, and weak people out of the way. In the immortal words of Bill Burr

” Im pro-plague, just take your vitamins and you will be fine, we need to get rid of the weak”

Don’t get me wrong, if I see Ebola coming my way I’m running away faster then Adrian Petersons kid after a Vikings loss. But think of all the people that drive you crazy on a daily basis because they are the ones that will get the shit spewing virus that is Ebola. Like these people

-Any sports analyst/athlete with a bow tie
-The guy that almost ran you of the road to gain 1 car length
-All Khardasians
-Aggressive Huggers that cause stitches
-The people with the stick figures on their cars
-Mouth breathers and close talkers
-Reality show people…except The Challenge (CT needs people to beat down)
-Chicks that speak with an upward inflection at the end of every sentence they SSAAAYYYYY
-Neck tattoo people unless its real classy
-People with glasses that don’t need them (that’s like using a wheel chair when you can walk)
-blue tooth people/ loud cell phone talkers
-Anyone involved with MTVs Teen Mom
-All states lower then D.C.
-People who use the phrase “not for nothing” “same difference” “no offense but”
-Theater majors
-People who miss high fives then try again (just end it for Christ sakes you missed)

That group of people are the ones that I came up with in like 2 minutes never mind all the people that really piss me off. So don’t be afraid of this new disease, embrace it, it can only help us clean this shit out of our way. The Buffalo Theory is real, Cheers has never steered me wrong in my life. So drink your whiskey, take your vitamin C and you will be healthy as a horse. At the very least you will live a lot longer then most on that list of assholes. I figure worst case scenario Mike from Growing pains is right about everything, zombies take over and I end up in Hell where Im going to know more people anyways.

 

Proof Peyton Manning is an Ass!

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Before Jameis Winston, Peyton Manning Had His Own Sexual Misconduct Issue

What does Jameis Winston have in common with college-aged Peyton Manning? Other than being among the best quarterbacks of their time, they’ve both found themselves in hot water thanks to allegations of sexual misconduct.

Jameis Winston catches a lot of heat for his immaturity, and deservedly so. Even after the controversial rape allegation that cast a cloud over his Heisman-winning season, the Florida State quarterback has continued to make headlines for inglorious purposes, whether it’s stealing food from a grocery store or yelling graphic sexual slurs in a public setting.

He’s certainly no golden child. Then again, neither was Manning.Today he’s one of the most popular figures in the NFL, and well-known for his sportsmanship and for being an all-around good guy. But according to a new column by Jason McIntyre of TheBigLead, Manning should be counting his blessings that he didn’t grow up in the social media era. As the article points out, Manning had a sexual misconduct suit against him that is virtually unknown to the public at large.

In the suit, Manning was accused by a then-University of Tennessee female trainer of dropping his pants during an injury examination, and placing his buttocks and private parts on her face.That sounds bad on its own, but it gets worse: Another student-athlete observed the incident and, several years later, wrote Manning a letter, urging him to admit what he had done.The trainer immediately brought her complaint to the university, and she won a settlement from the school before leaving her position.

But the incident resurfaced several years later, when Manning wrote his perspective in his autobiography. He described the trainer as having a “vulgar mouth.” The trainer, who was then the program director at Florida Southern College, was demoted and apparently lost her job due to the vulgar accusation.Manning had settled with her out of court over the incident, but he had to re-settle with her once again after discussing the incident on ESPN , which violated the terms of the agreement.All in all, it’s a story that tarnishes the image Manning has cultivated over a long, successful career, and an incident that he no doubt regrets. If this had become a major national news story while Manning was still in college, it’s one that could have altered the course of his career.

So there it is everyone, finally proof that the dolphin faced sqeaky clean endorsement junkie is actually an asshole. So do you think he gets in trouble when he makes it to the NFL for putting his ass in some trainers face. Hell no he doesn’t, he does what every other rich guy with any sense should do, you pay for it to go away. That’s why Kobe is still playing basketball, he paid for his oops sorry about the rape heres’ season tickets and 5 million Colorado vacation. Its why Michael Jackson kept playing hide the match box car with every kid on the tilt-a-wheel. For Christ sakes ever Ferris Bueller killed 2 people in a car accident (I know right, changes that whole parade scene now) but you don’t hear about that on the E network.

The problems in the NFL dont just stop at moon landings. Theres wife beatings, kid beatings, OUIs, drugs, and thats just a weekend with Lawrence Taylor.The NFL needs to stop acting like counciling and talking about feelings is going to stop these animals from beating the shit out of every man, woman and child around.  Yes, they should all be suspended but lets not act like this is a shock to people. Your telling me that it took an elevator video of a woman getting punched by her fiancé for people to say “wait a tick, these guys need counciling”. I mean personally I think a woman who can take a punch is sexy, look at Ronda Rousey.

The funny thing here is if we had cell phone video of that broad taking Peytons ass to her face, its possible that he would be an even shittier quarterback then he is now. So even Espns favorite highlight film Peyton Manning is an ass clown just like the rest of the NFL .Yes we have all done juvenile things like Peyton, I cant count how many times ive put my penis on peoples shoulders while they read at the library, but that’s just me enjoying the weekend. So before everyone starts crying about how bad the sport is and how they all should be kicked out of the league once they are arrested for jay walking, remember that even the NFLs binky is an asshole.

 

Worst Chain Necklace Ever

Bronx, NY Man Commits Suicide by Pulling His Own Head Off

Yesterday, bystanders in the Bronx watched in horror as a man commit suicide by self-decapitation.

The New York Daily News described Tomas Rivera’s death thusly: “[Rivera] tied a chain from his head to a pole, then hit the gas on his 2005 Honda CRV in Hunts Point.”

His head was ripped off, according to police, and “was left on the street by the pole.”

You can say a lot of things about this man, Tomas Rivera, but you can’t call him a quitter. If I saw this guy pull that crap it would be awful and I wouldn’t be able to help myself from the nonsense that came out of my mouth, such as..

“Yo that guy is completely off the chain!”

“Well at least he didn’t go through the windshield.”

“Please turn the salsa music down I’m getting a head ache”

“That better not be my mountain bike chain.”

“Who said the CRV had no pickup?”

“Oh my god he isn’t wearing a seatbelt.”

“Does anyone know any  of his 12 kids? Is he bleeding?”

“Oh ya he is bleeding.”

“I feel the same way when the Pats don’t cover.”

Even worse picture being this guys family calling relatives about the death “Just wanted to let you know Tomas has passed away.  Ya it was a bit sudden, but he went peacefully by pulling his head off”.

The real question here is what made this guy so mad that he killed himself in such a “screw all you guys” kinda way? I got a couple ideas of what pushed him over the edge.

Maybe he got stuck watching Bachelor Pad in Paradise and got depressed when that one-handed broad couldn’t clap?

Maybe his wife told him any where was a good place for dinner but shot down all 17 of his suggestions?

Maybe he just recently found out that Sam and Diane broke up or maybe he couldn’t beat King Hippo in Mike Tyson’s Punchout?

Whatever it was he completely over reacted. If he had to do it all over again I’m sure he probably wouldn’t have filled the tank up.