Christmas Confessions of an Angry Elf

Well everyone its that time of year again when we slow clap all together for the fact that being drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday isn’t frowned upon because of the Christmas Season. This time of year we try to be better people then we are, spread a little Christmas cheer, and try to block out the fact that the low drum beat in Bing Crosbys “White Christmas” is him beating his son with a sock of marbles.  Not too many people realize this but I have been a Christmas elf for Santa for the last 17 years. When I got my drivers license at 16, Santa learned he could enjoy his dewars a lot more if he had me driving the sleigh. So I have seen it all over the years, from crying kids, spazzy kids, drunk teenagers, drunk cops on duty, cars filled with gifts being stolen and people egging houses on Christmas eve. To help my mental state this year I’ve decided to vent all my angry rants, pet peeves, and really any other bullshit that I feel like writing down.

– Took the family on a nice Christmas light tour of our fine city of Lowell Mass the other night and here are the grades

  • Highlands         B+    -Great effort but too many inflatables and blue Hanukkah lights
  • Pawtucketville   C     – Only saw 2 houses in a 20 min drive through South Dracut
  • South Lowell      B-    – Lost points because the hookers had ugly sweaters
  • Acre               C+   – The guy washing my windshield was dressed as Santa-bonus points
  • Belvidere          F+    – Spot lights on front door wreaths don’t count you jack wagons
  • Centerville  Incomplete  -Didn’t have bullet proof vests that would fit my kids

– I need my Mall Santa to be like my Christmas cartoons, be 70 years old, make my kids smile, and be a bit racist

-Egg nog with no booze in it is just pancake batter

-No more ugly Christmas sweater partys please. The new hip party is called Russian Roulette fruitcake party. One fruit cake is made with some nice Northern California Sinsemilla (weed), One fruit cake has magic mushrooms, and one just plain fruit cake. Now that’s a party and may luck be always in your favor.


-How come all my beloved childhood cartoons characters now all remind me of drug addicts. I mean Charlie Brown looks like a meth addict, no hair, can’t kick a football, and thinks his dog is talking to him. Rudolph is blowing coke all night long and no way he passes a DUI checkpoint. The Grinch is all cracked out on pills obviously. Living in a cave, breaking into houses, and has no friends because he a owes them all money.

-If your not leaving out Milk, Cookies, Carrots, and a Budweiser for Santa your doing it wrong

-No kids at Midnight Mass, we are all drunk, we don’t want to be there, and the crying kids aren’t helping

-Every time somebody says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas an Angel gets raped by Bill Cosby

-You get to open one gift on Christmas Eve. If you pick a gift that is socks and underwear you lose and have to go right to bed

-Die Hard is a Christmas movie and should be shown for 24 straight hours just like “A Christmas Story”

-Any toys that have to be assembled on Christmas Morning you are allowed to start drinking no questions asked, believe me it helps or shit can hit the fan like the Power wheels Barbie Car incident of 09′

-Your a bad parent if you don’t position the Elf on the shelf to shit out a Hershey kiss at least once

-Named my Christmas stocking Robin Williams this year, because its furry and just hanging there

-If you can’t point out the drunk inappropriate guy at your office Christmas party then your the drunk inappropriate guy at said party

-Sorry for any F bombs I threw at my family on Christmas last year but Daddy had Michigan St -6.5 and they missed the Fucking extra point

So Merry Christmas everyone and remember…. if there isn’t a little family drama, too much alcohol, crappy gifts and a fist fight or two then it really isn’t a Christmas to remember


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