Shower thoughts….More like Shitter Thoughts

poop

Alright I know, I haven’t posted in quiet a bit but tSohings happen in the summer that you can’t control. Between the working 2 jobs, a couple vacations, screaming kids, buying a new house, golf, drinking and more drinking its not exactly easy to get to a computer screen to type out some shit. So where do I start, do I bitch about Deflategate, Espn, start of the NFL season, ISIS, Donald Trump, or the fact that Bruce Jenner still has a cock.  So since I am way behind on a lot of this crap that people seem to care about I figure I will just hammer out my nonsense opinion and hopefully only offend half of you people.

  • Espn is aweful, we all know this but trying to find Fox Sports 1 on my cable guide is like trying to find One Eyed Willies Treasure. Yeah I am sure it exisits but finding it, I need a rag tag group of kids, a deformed super freak, and at least 2 BMXs. I don’t have that kinda time.
  • Deflategate….Please, all these assholes in the league are pissed that Brady told them to study the rule book. Did he know about the balls pressure, or order the code red. YOUR GOD DAMN RIGHT HE DID. He has a greater responsibility then you can possible fathom. You weep for Baltimore, and you curse the Patriots, You have that luxury. You have that luxury of knowing that the Colts and Ravens losing sucked for their fan base but probably saved lives. Brady’s existence while awesome and unbelievable saves Patriots fans lives. You don’t want to talk about the 4 Superbowls because deep down in places you don’t talk about Brady’s 4 rings, but you need him on that wall, you want him on that wall NFL. The Patriots use words like honor, code, loyalty. The NFL uses these words as a punchline.  The Patriots don’t have the time or inclination to explain themselves to the other shitty teams, make them millions and then have them question the manner in which New England did so. Brady would rather the NFL say thank you and went on their way. Either way The New England Patriots and Tom Brady don’t give a damn what you think!!!!
  • If your at the Beach and your playing paddle ball with someone who doesn’t know how to play paddle ball then your not playing paddle ball. This also applies to Frisbee.
  • Stop giving Bruce Jenner credit for playing dress up. Until he cuts it off, he is just doing what the show “The Kids in the Hall” did for a decade.
  • If you fart and then pause to see if you shit yourself, then you shit yourself
  • Moving to a new house is a lot like getting a colonoscopy. You cry a little bit, Everyone is up your ass about every little thing, you wake up sore in the morning, and its a life changing experience.
  • It was a hot summer but every time some asshole tried to rationalize it by saying “we deserve it after the winter we had” a Angel was caught jerking off by Jesus.
  • Donald Trump is like a drunk uncle, everybody loves him but nobody takes him serious. We all just say “oh don’t mind him he is harmless, just get him some Dewars on the rocks”.
  • Pringles are not chips, they are crackers because they come in a sleeve
  • Camping for people that own a house is like role playing being homeless
  • I figure you aren’t rich until you have and use a bathrobe on a constant basis
  • Why there isn’t a sequel to the movie “Let it Ride” is beyond me
  • I believe every office should have some kind of Time Out system where you can tell whoever you want to go fuck themselves then spend 10 mins in the corner until you have to lie and apologize
  • Why isn’t there a Gold bond station on the golf course?
  • If your a single guy and don’t go the dog route. Here is the scale according to women. Having a kitten makes you cute, a cat is kinda creepy, bunny is a ticking time bomb to domestic violence and multiple cats is a serial killer. So get a puppy and save lives.
  • If you want to go to a Red Sox game you should have to check your phone at the gate. All these fucking James Taylor loving, multiple degree having, satchel wearing, proper English speaking, robe wearing fuck faces need to pay attention at the game. Stop bitching about the dental bill you have to pay because you were looking at face book to see when Muffy was having a Newburyport social to support Cat lovers. You paid $300 for the god damn ticket, pay attention, and stop yelling about getting a net. Take it from someone who got hit with a foul ball from Mike Greenwell when I was 10 years old. My Dad didn’t make the play, nor did I, it went off my face, almost broke my cheekbone. Bounced off my face 5 rows away, only reason I got the ball was because the crowd chanted “give the kid the ball”. I ended up getting the ball signed by Greenwell too. The prick signed it “nice catch”, you believe that shit. He put nice catch in quotes. What a dick. Ellis Burks was always better anyway.
  • I need a Hammock for reasons I can’t explain
  • Any time somebody asks me for specific vodka when I work I always give them Poland Springs vodka, fuck them they have no idea.
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About Pistoffirishman

I'm a married father of two boys, I also have a long term civil union with alcohol and anger. Some people say one causes the other but I don't give a shit. In between work, marriage and binges I try to get a rise out of people. Why? You ask. Because I'm bored, Nightcourt isn't on nick at night anymore, and my wife hid my god damn whiskey. So what of it!!! Follow on twitter at @pistoffirishman

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