Unacceptable Be-shave-ior: I Had an Affair

I had an affair this summer.

It was a cheap, foolish tawdry affair that meant nothing to me.

I betray a more than 20 year relationship for a pointless fling and I can only hope to repair the damage it has caused.

This is my confession.

I joined the Dollar Shave Club  in July betraying my longtime companion, Gillette, and I regret it every day.

(No, this is not me, but does kinda look.  Damn, that Google machine can find anything)

After months of being teased and flirted with, I finally succumbed to the temptation that DSC continually threw in my face.  The sexy marketing.  The creative advertising.  The fun packaging.  The social media onslaught.  And, of course, the too-good-to-be-true price.  It was intoxicating.

No longer would I feel the sting of expensive shaving products being held over me by the blade behemoth, Gillette.  No longer would I lie awake at night and wonder if there was something better out there for me?  I couldn’t take it anymore.  And just like that…I conceded to my emotions.  A few drinks, a few clicks later, I was a Dollar Shave Club member.

At first it felt refreshing, new, exhilarating.  When would my first shipment arrive?  Would they include some of that sensuous shave butter I had viewed in the promos?  Would this experience live up to all of my expectations?

And then it happened.

My first packaged arrived.  I remember it was a Saturday.  My family was all around so I decided to open it in secret.  My wife had just bought me a fresh package of my “old faithful” brand and I can’t imagine the sadness she would have felt if I chose to tell her about this new partner.

I closed myself off to the world and did it for the first time.  I shaved with this stranger of a blade.

Initially, it felt good, different.  A sensation I had never experienced before.  My heart was racing….partially from excitement…partially from guilt and fear of being caught.  But I did it anyway….and continued to do it several more times.

Quickly I discovered this error in judgment was just not worth it.  This relationship had no future.  This product was inferior and quickly I simply felt cheap and abused (no, literally ‘abused’, these blades suck). This reckless experiment proved futile.

I could not even look myself in the mirror any longer but I just had to (again, literally, I had to look or my sideburns would have been uneven, I would have missed that weird neck patch, etc.).  I have cheated that man in the glass.

With a clear and full heart, I decided I needed to end this; and end it right away.  I immediately dispensed of the evidence in hand and went straight to the source.  I knew the best way to cut off something like this is to just do it quick and without emotion.  Within a few minutes and some confusing tears, it was over.  My membership was cancelled and I could try to rebuild my life with my faithful companion.

But I needed to bare my soul and tell my dear Gillette Fusion what I had done.  So, I wrote this letter in hopes that he (or is it a she?  Hmm…never thought about that?) would take me back….

——————————————————————————————-

My Dearest G-F,

I am writing to apologize.  I am writing to say I am sorry.  I am writing to confess.  I am writing because I don’t think I can take you out of the package without completely falling apart.  I made a mistake.  A big one.  After nearly a 25 year partnership, I have strayed.  Over the past several weeks I have been carrying on with another razor.  I guess I just got bored and bought in to the old ‘blade is always sharper on the other side’ mentality.  I was completely wrong.  It only took a few – meaningless, I promise you – shaves and I knew I had made a terrible choice.

I can’t go back in time and change things, but only offer you this heartfelt apology and ask for your forgiveness.  The pain I feel cuts like a knife (or rather a shoddily-built cheapo shaving kit) and I want it to end.  I miss your silky smooth touch.  I miss your dependability.  I miss you.

What was I thinking that I could actually do better?  I mean, you have an NFL stadium named after you.  (A now exonerated!) Tom Brady plays under your watch!  What a fool I have been!

All I can say is I am truly sorry and I hope we can make amends?

Sincerely,

Frank’s face

P.S.  Don’t forget about No Shave November when we part company for the month.  I don’t want to send mix signals again. XOXO

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This entry was posted in Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe and tagged , on by .

About Frank McCabe

Frank McCabe is an avid relaxer and Chinese food (i.e. Mai Tai) connoisseur. When he is not tending to his 'real' job, his wife and three children, Frank escapes reality by writing and inventing anything "funny" that pops in his head. With a Bachelors degree in Silliness, Frank subscribes to the theory that life is short...and, well, that kinda sucks, doesn't it? In his downtime Frank enjoys skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid. @fhmccabe

29 thoughts on “Unacceptable Be-shave-ior: I Had an Affair

  1. rob

    God, you sound gay, or anal or very stupid to continue doing what you do not like. a short answer… it does not take all that you written, STOP your contract… bite the bullet and move on….. I have been shaving for MANY years, found good and bad razors… I do not have to go to the internet and write thousands of words

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    1. Frank McCabe Post author

      Rob- thanks, but this is a humor blog, not consumer reports. It’s a play on infidelity. Apparently it bothered you so feel free to stop reading. Continued success!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. ace Clark

    This is a sponsored AD that Proctor and Gamble is endorsing on yahoo’s home page and you expect people to believe this???? Hahahah. How can anyone take this obvious bashing for the money serious? You can fool some fools.

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    1. Frank McCabe Post author

      Haha…haha…haha…….eh…Ace. I’d love if P&G was cutting me checks. But sadly, no.
      Btw – did you name yourself “Ace”?

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  3. Don Bitleris

    Sorry for your luck. I have been using DSC razors for well over 6 mos. hardly ever a scratch,blades last a solid week. Will never go back to those way ridiculously overpriced blades.!

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  4. John

    I enjoyed the blog, good show Frank, Don’t worry about Rob he seems one genetic code
    away from being cheese whiz(no, I was not paid by Kraft).

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    Reply
  5. Mark

    While the article was amusing, it is in no way truthful or a honest representation of DSC. I have been a subscriber for close to a year and there is little to no difference in blades. even if there was, it would not be enough to justify paying prices for name brand razors. Certainly some people have sensitive skin and DSC blades might not be the best option for them. However saying that DSC blades suck outright couldn’t be further from the truth. With the massive price difference, customer service, and ease of use……………….DSC club it is.

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    1. Jerry

      OK DSC people! Are you kidding me? Their blades are dangerous! Especially the trim blade! It was like using a serrated knife blade! Left a two inch cut on my face that looked I used a steak knife to shave! DSC is a waste of your money! When I candled with them they asked really stupid questions! Were the blades, loose? What? That trim blade was akin to killing a goat! DSC, Get lost! I like skin on my face, not, BLOOD! Your razors are, CHEAP! NOT inexpensive!!!
      Well, enough said! Do not try these razor’s if you value you skin and blood!

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      1. Prentice Brown

        Guy, this post was beautifully written and joisted with the word play gracefully. I declare that a dunce cap wearing nimrod would view this piece short of anything less than comical. It’s mother trucking funny guy! Who cares if you’ve been paid by anyone? If you did great if not great. Your attempt was to be funny all while throwing DSC under the bus for your jacked up “quickie” with those cheap sluts of blades lol. At the end of the day it’s your opinion written wonderfully. #Bravo

        Like

  6. Ron Maarel

    Quite an imagination by the writer, or possibly helped by the competition. “Build it & they will come”, “A sucker is born every minute”, “Sell anything & they will buy it”! While I agree that buying a single “triple bladed, rotating or floating” head for $15 is outrageous all WE, The People, have to do is look around. I am currently using a razor that has the same description as above and 6 cost me $12! These 6 razors last me 6 months!

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  7. Jerry

    Strange that Yahoo has “sponsored by Proctor and Gamble” beneath this link on its home page. I’m a member of Dollar Shave Club. I’ve had no issues with their razors and save a bucket load over brand names.

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  8. Jay

    Nice try, Gillette.

    DSC razors may not be quite as high quality as Gillette’s, but they do just fine. And you get a new blade each week, which has improved my shaving experienced. For $6 a month, I always have a sharp, fresh blade. Everyone I know who has switched will never go back.

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  9. JJreal

    This week I just purchased one Gillette Fusion Proglide pack for $18.00 + tax containing 4 cartridges at a store. The cashier lady freaked out and couldn’t believe how much those razor blades cost. This article serves as a reminder to try something else. Thanks!

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  10. KoenWhitfield

    If you didn’t get paid, then you got cheated because this turned up on Yahoo as a SPONSORED AD by Proctor & Gamble. Either you are lying, or you got cheated. I’m not buying $4 blades anymore, that’s fro certain.

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  11. Devin

    I have never had a more pleasant shave than a safety razor. Edwin Jagger with Personna blades made in the USA. Depending on your face, you can get 2-5 shaves out of each razor before it comes dull. Say an average of 3 shaves.. You can buy 100 for roughly 15 dollars. You can swap out the blades easily and your blades never cost you more than 30 dollars for the entire year. I get ZERO razor burn with this type of razor and my face has never felt and looked smoother. Yes you must be a little more careful, but it didn’t take me long to get really good at it. I wish more people would go this route.

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  12. Ted

    The humor was o.k. Can I write better? Probably not. However, I know nothing about D.S.C. Some people will hate this. Found P&G Fusion online, 16 cartridges for $32.00. Bought them immediately. You can find Pro Glide Fusion Power, 16 cartridges for $35.00. I now have enough for over a year for $32.00

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    1. Frank McCabe Post author

      Not sure why everyone is so damn concerned or angered by this…I wrote the blog independent of any P&G influence….I signed a waiver so they could use on advertising. Wish I was making a few $$$, but sadly I am not….read some of the other blogs by me and others here and you’ll get the gist of our zone….

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