I had an affair this summer.
It was a cheap, foolish tawdry affair that meant nothing to me.
I betray a more than 20 year relationship for a pointless fling and I can only hope to repair the damage it has caused.
This is my confession.
I joined the Dollar Shave Club in July betraying my longtime companion, Gillette, and I regret it every day.
(No, this is not me, but does kinda look. Damn, that Google machine can find anything)
After months of being teased and flirted with, I finally succumbed to the temptation that DSC continually threw in my face. The sexy marketing. The creative advertising. The fun packaging. The social media onslaught. And, of course, the too-good-to-be-true price. It was intoxicating.
No longer would I feel the sting of expensive shaving products being held over me by the blade behemoth, Gillette. No longer would I lie awake at night and wonder if there was something better out there for me? I couldn’t take it anymore. And just like that…I conceded to my emotions. A few drinks, a few clicks later, I was a Dollar Shave Club member.
At first it felt refreshing, new, exhilarating. When would my first shipment arrive? Would they include some of that sensuous shave butter I had viewed in the promos? Would this experience live up to all of my expectations?
And then it happened.
My first packaged arrived. I remember it was a Saturday. My family was all around so I decided to open it in secret. My wife had just bought me a fresh package of my “old faithful” brand and I can’t imagine the sadness she would have felt if I chose to tell her about this new partner.
I closed myself off to the world and did it for the first time. I shaved with this stranger of a blade.
Initially, it felt good, different. A sensation I had never experienced before. My heart was racing….partially from excitement…partially from guilt and fear of being caught. But I did it anyway….and continued to do it several more times.
Quickly I discovered this error in judgment was just not worth it. This relationship had no future. This product was inferior and quickly I simply felt cheap and abused (no, literally ‘abused’, these blades suck). This reckless experiment proved futile.
I could not even look myself in the mirror any longer but I just had to (again, literally, I had to look or my sideburns would have been uneven, I would have missed that weird neck patch, etc.). I have cheated that man in the glass.
With a clear and full heart, I decided I needed to end this; and end it right away. I immediately dispensed of the evidence in hand and went straight to the source. I knew the best way to cut off something like this is to just do it quick and without emotion. Within a few minutes and some confusing tears, it was over. My membership was cancelled and I could try to rebuild my life with my faithful companion.
But I needed to bare my soul and tell my dear Gillette Fusion what I had done. So, I wrote this letter in hopes that he (or is it a she? Hmm…never thought about that?) would take me back….
My Dearest G-F,
I am writing to apologize. I am writing to say I am sorry. I am writing to confess. I am writing because I don’t think I can take you out of the package without completely falling apart. I made a mistake. A big one. After nearly a 25 year partnership, I have strayed. Over the past several weeks I have been carrying on with another razor. I guess I just got bored and bought in to the old ‘blade is always sharper on the other side’ mentality. I was completely wrong. It only took a few – meaningless, I promise you – shaves and I knew I had made a terrible choice.
I can’t go back in time and change things, but only offer you this heartfelt apology and ask for your forgiveness. The pain I feel cuts like a knife (or rather a shoddily-built cheapo shaving kit) and I want it to end. I miss your silky smooth touch. I miss your dependability. I miss you.
What was I thinking that I could actually do better? I mean, you have an NFL stadium named after you. (A now exonerated!) Tom Brady plays under your watch! What a fool I have been!
All I can say is I am truly sorry and I hope we can make amends?
P.S. Don’t forget about No Shave November when we part company for the month. I don’t want to send mix signals again. XOXO