Unacceptable Be-shave-ior: I Had an Affair

I had an affair this summer.

It was a cheap, foolish tawdry affair that meant nothing to me.

I betray a more than 20 year relationship for a pointless fling and I can only hope to repair the damage it has caused.

This is my confession.

I joined the Dollar Shave Club  in July betraying my longtime companion, Gillette, and I regret it every day.

(No, this is not me, but does kinda look.  Damn, that Google machine can find anything)

After months of being teased and flirted with, I finally succumbed to the temptation that DSC continually threw in my face.  The sexy marketing.  The creative advertising.  The fun packaging.  The social media onslaught.  And, of course, the too-good-to-be-true price.  It was intoxicating.

No longer would I feel the sting of expensive shaving products being held over me by the blade behemoth, Gillette.  No longer would I lie awake at night and wonder if there was something better out there for me?  I couldn’t take it anymore.  And just like that…I conceded to my emotions.  A few drinks, a few clicks later, I was a Dollar Shave Club member.

At first it felt refreshing, new, exhilarating.  When would my first shipment arrive?  Would they include some of that sensuous shave butter I had viewed in the promos?  Would this experience live up to all of my expectations?

And then it happened.

My first packaged arrived.  I remember it was a Saturday.  My family was all around so I decided to open it in secret.  My wife had just bought me a fresh package of my “old faithful” brand and I can’t imagine the sadness she would have felt if I chose to tell her about this new partner.

I closed myself off to the world and did it for the first time.  I shaved with this stranger of a blade.

Initially, it felt good, different.  A sensation I had never experienced before.  My heart was racing….partially from excitement…partially from guilt and fear of being caught.  But I did it anyway….and continued to do it several more times.

Quickly I discovered this error in judgment was just not worth it.  This relationship had no future.  This product was inferior and quickly I simply felt cheap and abused (no, literally ‘abused’, these blades suck). This reckless experiment proved futile.

I could not even look myself in the mirror any longer but I just had to (again, literally, I had to look or my sideburns would have been uneven, I would have missed that weird neck patch, etc.).  I have cheated that man in the glass.

With a clear and full heart, I decided I needed to end this; and end it right away.  I immediately dispensed of the evidence in hand and went straight to the source.  I knew the best way to cut off something like this is to just do it quick and without emotion.  Within a few minutes and some confusing tears, it was over.  My membership was cancelled and I could try to rebuild my life with my faithful companion.

But I needed to bare my soul and tell my dear Gillette Fusion what I had done.  So, I wrote this letter in hopes that he (or is it a she?  Hmm…never thought about that?) would take me back….


My Dearest G-F,

I am writing to apologize.  I am writing to say I am sorry.  I am writing to confess.  I am writing because I don’t think I can take you out of the package without completely falling apart.  I made a mistake.  A big one.  After nearly a 25 year partnership, I have strayed.  Over the past several weeks I have been carrying on with another razor.  I guess I just got bored and bought in to the old ‘blade is always sharper on the other side’ mentality.  I was completely wrong.  It only took a few – meaningless, I promise you – shaves and I knew I had made a terrible choice.

I can’t go back in time and change things, but only offer you this heartfelt apology and ask for your forgiveness.  The pain I feel cuts like a knife (or rather a shoddily-built cheapo shaving kit) and I want it to end.  I miss your silky smooth touch.  I miss your dependability.  I miss you.

What was I thinking that I could actually do better?  I mean, you have an NFL stadium named after you.  (A now exonerated!) Tom Brady plays under your watch!  What a fool I have been!

All I can say is I am truly sorry and I hope we can make amends?


Frank’s face

P.S.  Don’t forget about No Shave November when we part company for the month.  I don’t want to send mix signals again. XOXO