Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Oh And Then This Happened….

There are 271.8 miles between New Hampshire and Utica NY. How do I know this little tidbit of information? Well, I recently rented myself a truck and drove every inch of that. The reason for the ride (and no I’m not a leafer so it wasn’t to see the beautiful country side) is because I recently took a sports director position (shameless plug) in that quaint little New York city. The first week has been anything but mundane, and now you the reader get to re-live it with me.

This glorious adventure started when I arrived at the pickup station only to find the 10 foot truck I had reserved wold not be making the trip with me. Instead I would be navigating a 16 footer. Oh, and I would still be responsible for refilling that 35 gallon tank after each gas guzzling mile. Furthermore, I HAD to throw down an extra $100 for insurance because these new extended dimensions were not covered under a normal insurance plan. Like a dog who was caught going through the trash I put my head down and accepted defeat as I was shown the door.

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From here things could only get better right?… Little did I know I had only stepped in a pothole, and still had the rest of the mountain to go before I hit rock bottom.

The move itself wasn’t terrible. Yes,I hit traffic that would have made even a Californian cringe, but seeing how the truck topped out at 60 MPH anyway I wasn’t in a rush. I had left shortly after breakfast, and now the sun was setting when I finally pulled into the parking lot of what is now my new home. The whole scene was actually pretty beautiful and dare I say symbolic? I mean the sun was literally setting on one chapter of my life while the next would begin the following morning.

My Mark Twain moment was abruptly cut short when I went to turn on the apartments lights. That flick of the switch produced… nothing. I then realized that symbolic sunset was actually a count down clock until I would be moving things up in the dark, and beginning my new life as a member of the Amish.

Why was everything shut off you ask? Well it turns out the previous tenant hadn’t paid his bill in 2 months. This may come as a shock, but the power company wasn’t amused, and their gift in return was to place a lock on the box. This meant for the next FOUR DAYS my only source of light would be via candles, lanterns, and the always fashionable headlight. I still don’t have internet, but I’m calling it a success since I was able to cancel my homemade butter making class with brother Abraham.

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Unfortunately the story doesn’t end there. Within 48 hours of moving my belongings in I found out my roommate was moving out. Yes, the man who had found the apartment and was going to pay half of the rent was bolting for greener pastures. And now the icing on the cake: the landlord had already found a woman who was ready to take over on the first of November. Thankfully, after kidnapping her eldest son and stealing a family heirloom I was able to hold onto the powerless apartment for the foreseeable future.

They say things happen for a reason. If someone could just show me the reason for this stretch well that would be fantastic.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Tattoo U: Men & Women’s Guide to Ink Placement

Tattoos are mainstream.

Tattoos are everywhere.

Tattoos are, apparently, cool.

Confession, I have a tattoo.

Yup, meet “Pat“, the drunken, angry jackoff leprechaun that lives in Right-thigh-ria on the pale continent of Frank. However, I got my tattoo more than 20 years ago; when men were men, tattoos were dangerous and needles were, most certainly, infected. Whatever, I made my bed.

Today, however, getting a tattoo is like getting a haircut to these young-ins. Like, NBD (does that even mean ‘no big deal’ or did I manke that one up?), bro. Kids, snap out of it. That ink is permanent, yo! It aint washing off like your spineless, ADD, Gen Z personalities. It’s just not.

When my old man first caught glimpse of my artwork 22 years ago he made 3 statements:

1. “Is that real?”

2. “Asshole!” (with a vicious finger point)

3. ‘Tattoos are permanent proof of temporary insanity.”

(he probably slipped in a few more a-bombs in but who was counting, right Dad?)

I fumbled with my retort as you can imagione but hey, whatcha gonna do? After that he never has mentioned it since.

So, enough of my (newly) 40 year old ranting. I simply want to impart the “Rules of Tattoos” that both men and women should adhere to. Since there is no accounting for taste, I wont even bother to pontificate on what is appropriate/cool/tasteful for your preferred tattoo. At the end of the day, regardless of your inclination for skulls, rainbows, chinese proverbs or your favorite Family Guy character, you will regret this decision, dummies. You just will.

Here are some basic guidelines for WHERE acceptable and inacceptable parts of your anatomy to place that permanent shitshow of idiocy:

Men (acceptable)
Legs :Upper thigh and calf, but I would go with less-is-more kinda thinking
Arms: Best if you have some type of muscle tone. Trust me – Pee Wee Herman can’t rock a panther on his 6″ guns – neither should you.
Shoulder/Shoulder blade: helps if you have a shape not resembling play dough

Men (unacceptable)
Torso: Nope. Uh ah.
Neck/ Face: Unless you have served time for murder, I would stay clear
Feet : Would any self-respecting dude get a foot tattoo?
Lower back: Don’t make me explain why this is a terrible idea for guys

Francis Dolarhyde's tattoo from Red Dragon

Women (acceptable)
Upper thigh : Good
Torso : Better Lower back : Yes, yes and yes please

Women (unacceptable)
Arms: Yuck, Brutus
Feet : Yeah, this just in, feet are, to quote Jimmy Fallon, EW!
Neck/face : Hi, you must be Miss “Orange is the New Gross”

Just some healthy guidelines before you pollute your skin with that delicious insanity.

Uncategorized

Countdown to Ebola being officially funny

Ebola News Guide: Deaths keep rising; world reacts

American Marines scrambled to add Ebola treatment beds in Liberia on Friday, while the U.S. and Britain readied new disease screenings for passengers arriving at their airports from West Africa. Doctors tried out experimental drugs in a global battle against the deadly sickness

The U.N. said nations must all work together — and fast — or “the world will have to live with the Ebola virus forever.”

The death toll in West Africa passed 4,000 for the first time in the World Health Organization’s count of confirmed and suspected Ebola cases.

As worry ricocheted around the globe, medical records obtained by The Associated Press underscored questions about the United States’ front-line defenses. The Dallas hospital that initially missed the nation’s first Ebola diagnosis put a Liberian man through a battery of tests and CT scans for appendicitis, stroke and other serious ailments before sending him home, the records show.

Before he was released, Thomas Eric Duncan’s fever spiked to 103 degrees, he reported severe pain and told a nurse that he’d recently come from Africa. But doctors didn’t think of Ebola until he returned to the hospital two days later by ambulance. On Wednesday, Duncan became the first person to die of Ebola in the United States.

“As long as there is one case of Ebola in any one of these countries, no country is safe from the dangers posed by this deadly virus,” said Anthony Banbury, who heads the new United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response.

So the new plague is upon us and everyone is freaking out because they think the runny nose they have is the Ebola virus. Lets get something straight everyone, unless you are looking for blood diamonds, Carmen Sandiego, or having dinner at Dikembe Motumbo’s house, you are going to be fine. Now there are some good things that could happen to the USA if this disease does spread. Its the old Buffalo Theory from cheers, all this disease will do is thin the heard. It will knock all the idiots, and weak people out of the way. In the immortal words of Bill Burr

” Im pro-plague, just take your vitamins and you will be fine, we need to get rid of the weak”

Don’t get me wrong, if I see Ebola coming my way I’m running away faster then Adrian Petersons kid after a Vikings loss. But think of all the people that drive you crazy on a daily basis because they are the ones that will get the shit spewing virus that is Ebola. Like these people

-Any sports analyst/athlete with a bow tie
-The guy that almost ran you of the road to gain 1 car length
-All Khardasians
-Aggressive Huggers that cause stitches
-The people with the stick figures on their cars
-Mouth breathers and close talkers
-Reality show people…except The Challenge (CT needs people to beat down)
-Chicks that speak with an upward inflection at the end of every sentence they SSAAAYYYYY
-Neck tattoo people unless its real classy
-People with glasses that don’t need them (that’s like using a wheel chair when you can walk)
-blue tooth people/ loud cell phone talkers
-Anyone involved with MTVs Teen Mom
-All states lower then D.C.
-People who use the phrase “not for nothing” “same difference” “no offense but”
-Theater majors
-People who miss high fives then try again (just end it for Christ sakes you missed)

That group of people are the ones that I came up with in like 2 minutes never mind all the people that really piss me off. So don’t be afraid of this new disease, embrace it, it can only help us clean this shit out of our way. The Buffalo Theory is real, Cheers has never steered me wrong in my life. So drink your whiskey, take your vitamin C and you will be healthy as a horse. At the very least you will live a lot longer then most on that list of assholes. I figure worst case scenario Mike from Growing pains is right about everything, zombies take over and I end up in Hell where Im going to know more people anyways.

Dan Tobin

All it takes is a little bit of science to turn the casual sex game on it’s head.

The Daily Beast

Vasalgel, a reversible form of male birth control, just took one step closer to your vas deferens.

According to a press release from the Parsemus Foundation, a not-for profit organization focused on developing low-cost medical approaches, Vasalgel is proving effective in a baboon study. Three lucky male baboons were injected with Vasalgel and given unrestricted sexual access to 10 to 15 female baboons each. Despite the fact that they have been monkeying around for six months now, no female baboons have been impregnated. With the success of this animal study and new funding from the David and Lucile Packard Foundation, the Parsemus Foundation is planning to start human trials for Vasalgel next year. According to their FAQ page, they hope to see it on the market by 2017 for, in their words, less than the cost of a flat-screen television.

Since the invention of casual sex, we’ve just accepted that a 95% success rate for male birth control was industry standard, whether you’re a condom guy or you own cargo shorts and Teva’s and wear them at the same time. But because this is America, and Americans do amazing American things, starting in 2017, the only thing that will stand between a dude and the optimal bareback sesh is a little white lie. “No worries, I’m on Vasalgel.” And for most of the fellas out there (not named Tobes), it’s usually a patchwork quilt of untruths just to get to a point in the evening where a nice young lady is asking; “Did you take your Vasalgel today?” At that point, it’s just about keeping the momentum.

Look, it’s pretty much accepted in all corners of society that the only way for male birth control to be loophole free is for it to be worn and as visible as a crossing guard’s vest. But that’s not to say that this Vasalgel is without any sort of practicality. There’s the tired middle aged dad out there that has three sons and an ambitious wife that has nobody to give their American Doll Collection to…Vasalgel! Don’t have the ball’s to get snipped? (pun intended)…Vasalgel. You’re Anotonio Cromartie?…Vasalgel.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

If only there was a ‘Kanye-bola Virus’

Kanye West refused to continue his show on Friday night in Sydney, Australia until the entire audience was standing and dancing in physical Yeezus worship. Unfortunately for Kanye’s self-esteem, one of the audience members had a prosthetic leg and another used a wheelchair.

One concertgoer told the Daily Mail that he addressed the crowd saying “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.” The fan waved her leg in the air and Kanye so kindly continued the show, stopping again when he saw there remained a single seated fan.

According to the tabloid, he then halted performance of “Good Life,” saying “‘This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable,” before sending over a bodyguard to check that the fan was differently abled.

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I probably should have let our resident anger blogger @pistoffirishman take this one, but my fingers were already typing.

Question: Is there a worse human being in the world that Kanye West? This egotistical, arrogant narcissistic scumbag has once again hit a new low (I thought marrying that fat-ass a would be the bench mark, but bravo Mr. West, you managed to top yourself).

What really needs to happen to Mr. Stronger is he needs to contract a disease from the Ironic Torture Chamber?

What would be ideally suited for this talent-less dipshit?

If you could invent the Kanye-bola, what would it include in it’s symptoms?

My thoughts would be…

A. Instant muting.

The very first symptom would be the losing of the tongue. Not only would you lose ability to speak, but your tongue would literally fall out; painfully and slowly fall out with the taste of Bruce Jenner’s 1976 Olympic jock strap filling every taste bud as it happened over several long months.

B. “Carltonism”:

We all know Kanye perceives himself as quite the dancer, well, upon contracting Kanye-bola, the victim could only dance like the goofy Alfonso Ribeiro character, Carlton, from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. It would like an uncontrollable tick that happened only when cameras were on you.

C. Ass-Displacement:

Immediate retention of Kim K’s gi-normous backside would come next. This odd symptom would eliminate equilibrium causing the victim to constantly fall backwards with every step they took.

D. Genital Pins and Needles:

And just when you think it could not get worse, the 4th and most painful symptom of Kanye-bola hits you; a constant, sharp, dagger-like pain inflicted upon the genital area. Picture a human pin cushion with a thousand needles that never stop poking away at your “Gold Digger“. Ouchie.

E. Bankruptcy

Sure, it doesn’t seem to fall in line with a medical disorder, but so what, I am calling the shots here. Immediate, total, and irreversible poverty strikes the victim, so don’t think you can hire an entourage to help you manage the K-bola. Uh uh. You will be shacked up under a bridge playing ‘Keeping Up with the Smelly Homeless Guy’.

More bad news, Kan, you, and only you, are the only living organism capable of contracting Kanye-bola on earth. Bummer, huh?

There is, however, a silver lining, K-Man (adding more fuel to the irony of this unique affliction) you get to live for 1,000 years! Yep, longevity is final symptom. What are the odds?

Have a ‘Good Life’!

Maybe you can pray to Yeezus for help?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Ryder Cup Week!

In case you forgot, arguably the most exciting event in golf is happening this week – The 2014 Ryder Cup. From Glasgow, Scotland (If its not Scottish, It’s Crap), The United States will face the highly favored European team. I have said it before, you don’t have to like golf. You don’t even have to like sports. But you MUST love your country! The Ryder Cup is everything that is right about sports and competition. It’s like the Olympics, only interesting and not fueled by steroids (apologies to the Russian Women’s Water Polo team, but you know it’s true you commie, face-shaving she-males).

The Ryder Cup is not about money, rankings or fame. It’s about trying to decimate people from other parts of the world who talk funny. It’s pissah!

For those of you saying “golf is too slow/quiet/boring/uneventful”, check this video and get back to me when your goosebumps go away. (by the way, people NEVER cheer when golfers are hitting, in case you don’t get it, dummahs!)