Tattoo U: Men & Women’s Guide to Ink Placement


tattoo fever

Tattoos are mainstream.

Tattoos are everywhere.

Tattoos are, apparently, cool.

Confession, I have a tattoo.

Yup, meet “Pat“, the drunken, angry jackoff leprechaun that lives in Right-thigh-ria on the pale continent of Frank.  However, I got my tattoo more than 20 years ago; when men were men, tattoos were dangerous and needles were, most certainly, infected.  Whatever, I made my bed.

Today, however, getting a tattoo is like getting a haircut to these young-ins.  Like, NBD (does that even mean ‘no big deal’ or did I manke that one up?), bro.  Kids, snap out of it.  That ink is permanent, yo!  It aint washing off like your spineless, ADD, Gen Z personalities.  It’s just not.

When my old man first caught glimpse of my artwork 22 years ago he made 3 statements:

1.  “Is that real?”

2. “Asshole!” (with a vicious finger point)

3. ‘Tattoos are permanent proof of temporary insanity.”

(he probably slipped in a few more a-bombs in but who was counting, right Dad?)

I fumbled with my retort as you can imagione but hey, whatcha gonna do?  After that he never has mentioned it since.

So, enough of my (newly) 40 year old ranting.  I simply want to impart the “Rules of Tattoos” that both men and women should adhere to.  Since there is no accounting for taste, I wont even bother to pontificate on what is appropriate/cool/tasteful for your preferred tattoo.  At the end of the day, regardless of your inclination for skulls, rainbows, chinese proverbs or your favorite Family Guy character, you will regret this decision, dummies.  You just will.

Here are some basic guidelines for WHERE acceptable and inacceptable parts of your anatomy to place that permanent shitshow of idiocy:

Men (acceptable)
Legs :Upper thigh and calf, but I would go with less-is-more kinda thinking
Arms: Best if you have some type of muscle tone. Trust me – Pee Wee Herman can’t rock a panther on his 6″ guns – neither should you.
Shoulder/Shoulder blade: helps if you have a shape not resembling play dough

Men (unacceptable)
Torso: Nope. Uh ah.
Neck/ Face: Unless you have served time for murder, I would stay clear
Feet : Would any self-respecting dude get a foot tattoo?
Lower back: Don’t make me explain why this is a terrible idea for guys

Francis Dolarhyde's tattoo from Red Dragon






Women (acceptable)
Upper thigh : Good
Torso : Better                                                                                                                                            Lower back : Yes, yes and yes please

Women (unacceptable)
Arms: Yuck, Brutus
Feet : Yeah, this just in, feet are, to quote Jimmy Fallon, EW!
Neck/face : Hi, you must be Miss “Orange is the New Gross

Just some healthy guidelines before you pollute your skin with that delicious insanity.

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