I was watching the Patriots Raiders game this afternoon when I caught this little guy. The game itself was mediocre at best, but this commercial was Super Bowl worthy. I’ll compare it to receiving a compliment from that guy/gal/inanimate object you’ve been crushing on at work ; hopefully not breaking any new ground, but at the same time giving you a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Before Jameis Winston, Peyton Manning Had His Own Sexual Misconduct Issue
Well, after nearly 700 hundred years since (or at least since 1995) William Wallace delivered that famous inspirational speech before leading his army of Scottish soldiers in to battle, it appears as if Scotland may finally be free of being a part of the United Kingdom. A very exciting time and a great victory for Ireland’s smaller, angrier little brother.
In honor of that, let’s recognize 7 of the greatest Scottish characters in history. (interestingly, most of these Scottish characters are played by Canadian Mike Myers)
Now, let’s get pissed!
William Wallace
Fine, let’s get him out of the way. If Wallace was in fact real, then he was a coolest, toughest Scotsman that ever threw a stone. Badass to the core, he was perhaps the root of the freedom they may gain today. Mel Gibson’s portrayal was epic and here he delivers his most memorable speech; except, of course, for his anti-Semitic tirade.
Shrek
Big, fat, ugly, green do-gooder from the world of Disney, Shrek has to make the list. But like every worthy Scot, Shrek could kick some ass with the best of them.
Montgomery “Scotty” Scott
Nice guy Scotty was the heart and soul of cult followed 70s program, Star Trek. Innocent Scotty was the composed voice of reason of the starship Enterprise and always kept his composure even after being told to ‘Beam up’ that fat, smug, know-it-all Priceline-pushing bastard, Captain Kirk, a million times.
Scrooge McDuck
A Disney spinoff of the Dickens’ character, Scrooge McDuck epitomized an angry Scotsduck. Ruthless, unforgiving but somewhere inside that fluffy chest beat a heart full of haggis.
Begbie
This memorable lad from the dark and dreary Trainspotting set Scotland back a few centuries. An absolute madman, Begbie perhaps epitomized every Scottish stereotype ever imagined. But what a great kicker of the nuts.
Groundskeeper Willie
The Simpsons…..as a key member of the cast of the longest running sitcom in history, Groundskeeper Willie was the most animated man in town. Redheaded, fiery, and incredibly jacked Willie was the Scottish staple that kept the Springfield Elementary School clean and kept for more than two decades.
Stu MacKenzie
This father figure in the less-than-memorable So I Married an Axe Murder is my absolute favorite Scottish character of all time. The drunken, bitter but affable Stu (of course, played by Myers) embodies the Scottish spirit. Here is a compilation of Stu’s funniest scenes. Now, go give your mother a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.
Remember, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.
I guess you can scratch role model off the list. Former Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is creating headlines for what he did in a game between his Philadelphia Phillies and the Miami Marlins, The Phillies are a dismal 69-81 so you can guarantee he wasn’t making news for his outstanding play. No, Mr. Riverdance (which now seems so lame) got himself thrown out of the game for a lewd gesture he made while walking off the mound.
It all started when Papelbon entered the game up 4-1 and ready send the fans home happy. Well, Miami apparently didn’t get the memo as they rallied for 4 runs in route to a 5-4 win. While walking off the mound the Phillies’ closer was deservedly met with boos from the crowd. He didn’t take it very well and “allegedly” (my editor said I had to write this to stay out of legal trouble) grabbed his crotch in a show of outstanding class.
The MLB has since come down and suspended Papelbon for seven games.
The only thing I can say to that is… stay Classy Jonathan.
Dusting off another “oldie” this week in honor of my good buddy, Mark, who is going through this very passage of life today. Godspeed, sir.
(First published in October 2012)
Again, I am dropping my proverbial pants (pun intended) to review a topic with you that is very personal, intimate and embarrassing all in the name of humor; Vasectomies. More than three years have passed since I went through the incredibly easy, but equally humiliating, “procedure” of being neutered. Snipped. Spade. De-manned. Vasectomized.
As I watched (well, not ‘watched’, I mean ‘witnessed’…I mean 2nd hand…bad choice of words – ‘HAND’ – …damnit! Nevermind.) my best friend go through this passage of life for a significant population of married-men-with-children-who-want-no-more-children-and-their-wives-are-finally-putting-their-foot-down-after-all-their-bodies-have-endured-giving-birth-to-your-kids-you-selfish-son-of-a…population, I was reminded how difficult this journey was to manage.
Before you jump down my throat, ladies, I do not mean to suggest that this minor surgery is nearly as physically painful (in most cases) compared to delivering a child, but I will contest that the mental anguish which we brave SeaMen endure is worth recognizing. I am not even going to attempt to compare this experience to the ‘joy of childbirth’ (isn’t that what you all called it BEFORE you went through it?). I won’t do it, but let me relay the internal strife we, as men, must undergo to get through the process of being neutered like your cat, Mittens.
A walk down men-mory lane….
May 2009
After 3 children and nearly 3 years since the birth of our youngest, my wife ‘encouraged’ (and by ‘encouraged’ I mean ‘demanded’) that I ‘cut the cord’, ‘close the barn’ and host an ‘all-things-must-go sale’. I finally conceded to her and decided it was my time to step up and face the scrotal-carving music. After all, she was right. She bore us three beautiful children (of course, I did have ‘something’ to do with it, no? Probably a bad time to bring up that old adage about Men vs. Women? If you put 1000 women and 1 man on an island, in theory, you could have 1000 children one year later, while if you had 1000 men and 1 women on an island….yeah, right….forget I mentioned it) and it was time to move on to the next phase of our lives as parents.
Visit 1: The Consult
Before we soon-to-be-sterile suckers get the privilege of having our seed bag scraped open by Dr. Notsofeelgood, we must first take part in a ‘consult’ visit. Without knowing what to expect during this initial visit to the medical practice of Dewey, Pinchem & Howe, I did have the presence of mind to know I was going to be a nervous mess, so I did the logical thing; drank heavily before my appointment. After several mini-van sized draught beers I was ready to embark on this testical journey. I calmly walked into the office, checked in, sat down and tried to relax before I met with the nurse practitioner, Ms. Squeezy Van Nuttwister. Now, I am no Norman Einstein (by the way that is a reference to a slip of the tongue by NFL Legend-turned-Sportscaster, Joe Theisman. I know Einstein’s first name was really ‘Harold’) but I do not recall any ‘consult’ I have been a part of which required another party to take a firm grasp of my twig and berries for exploratory purposes? Maybe I am wrong but my recollection of a, so called, ‘consultation’ usually involved a conversation, a cup of coffee and an exchange of business cards. Never heard of the kind that would require my ‘potato sack’ to be fondled by Nurse Ratchet?
I tried to provide some levity to the uncomfortable situation.
A serious and stern woman, the nurse attempted to be very business-like in her pre-surgery instructions to me…
“Now, you will need to shave your scrotum just prior to the procedure,” she explained.
“Just another Thursday at the McCabes, Sweetheart,” I sarcastically responded.
Without cracking smile, she continued….
“Also, following the procedure, after adequate rest you will need to ejaculate approximately twenty-five times before returning with your test sample.”
“Makes sense to me. By my calendar I should be back here on Tuesday then.” The oh-so-funny-inebriated-and-terrified-patient retorted.
Finally, a small smirk appeared on her face.
“Look, I am sorry to be a wiseass. I am just really jumpy about this whole thing,” I implored.
“Have no fear, Mr. McCabe, this is actually quite an easy, quick and painless procedure,” reassured the person who has never had a ‘ball and chain’ attached to her anatomy.
I walked out…not feeling a whole lot better about the situation.
Moving on…
Visit 2: V-Day
You may recall when I wrote about Panic Attacks in which I describe an episode of anxiety so worrisome I actually called an ambulance to come to my aid. What I did not include in that story was that incident occurred just 2 days before my castration vasectomy. Coincidence? I think not.
Walk into ‘Dr. Kevorkian’s Office of Ill Repute’ in a state of pure horror for what was about to happen to me and ‘my boys’. After what seemed to be an eternity out comes my buddy, Sir Balldesack, to murder the fruitful existence of my ‘two oldest friends’.
A funny and affable guy, Dr. Derection, guided me to the operating room. After a few jokes and some general guidelines to how he was going to be ‘Deconstructing Harry’, I actually breathed a sigh of relief.
First he was going to inject a local anesthesia into ‘the twins’? OH SHIT!
Here it comes…..ah…ah……whew, that actually wasn’t too bad. What’s next, Doc?
Oh, time to slice open the ‘bag of peas’ (which, ironically and literally, would become my best friend during recovery)? Super.
Eyes clenched (along with my butt cheeks), I anxiously awaited the pain to begin. Amazingly, it was not so bad and before I knew it, it was over.
“Mission Slay Bells”: Complete.
Amen.
After a few more off-color ‘cookie’ comments from Dr. Junkenremover, I was on my way home to rest my, now retired, ‘Generals’.
Job well done, men. Thanks for the memories.
A dispute between two employees of a Fallston business over a meatball during lunch Thursday led to a stabbing, the Harford County Sheriff’s Office said.
Deputies were called around 11:10 a.m. to the business in the 2300 block of Belair Road, where they learned there had been an argument over one employee eating the other’s meatball from his lunch, Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Cristie Kahler said.
A fight ensued and the employee who had eaten the meatball was stabbed in the arm by the employee whose lunch he had taken the meatball from, Kahler said.
The victim, a 36-year-old Aberdeen man, was taken to a local hospital and later discharged.
The assailant, a 31-year-old Edgewood man, fled the scene.
An arrest warrant has been issued but the man had not been served as of Tuesday afternoon, Kahler said.
To be honest, this story is less a story about poor behavior among two colleagues in the work place and more of a story on society’s current relationship with the meatball. Back in the day, it was nothing but “Spaghetti and Meatball this” and “Meatball that”…Americans dinner tables were just lousy with meatballs. It was all about meatballs. People even started being defined by their meatballs…how big, how rotund, how soft, and how juicy:
“Have you heard from Bill at all lately?”
“Which Bill? Bill with the meatballs that are so big that they make him walk funny? Or Bill down the street who lost one of his meatballs when he was hopping a chain link fence running from the Cops in high school?”
Now, it’s a totally different story. I have north of 450 contacts in my phone and I’m fairly certain not one of them knows how to roll a meatball. Meatballs are so scarce that some of us have no qualms about stabbing coworkers just to get a little nibble. We need more Meatballs! Go ahead moms everywhere; keep rolling out that cute meatless veggie red sauce bullshit on spaghetti night. It’s only a matter of time before your kid is pawning your wedding bands to get their next meatball fix. We’re seeing it all too often these days. If you don’t want little Suzie hanging out behind the bowling alley in a year or two, “creatively” generating cash for meatballs, then it’s time to start rolling that meat!
