If you don’t ‘Scoo the Poo’… you’re probably going to get stabbed.



Police said a fight between neighbors over unscooped dog poop on private property escalated to a brutal double stabbing in Springfield Saturday. 

Authorities said that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave. was quickly arrested after other neighbors identified him as the assailant. Detectives said they also found a large kitchen knife they believe was used in the attack. 

Valentin is accused of repeatedly stabbing a 46-year-old woman in the back and slashing her 23-year-old daughter in the face. Both women are reportedly in stable condition at an area hospital.

The Springfield Republican reports that Valentin had called police to complain about his neighbor not cleaning up after her dog two hours before the attack. 

Valentin faces two counts each of armed assault with intent to murder and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and a single count of mayhem.

Look, I’m a reasonable dude.  I’m not going to sit here and say that “intent to murder” is a reasonable response in this incident…well, at least directly.  Fact of the matter is that these two birds are lying, semi disfigured in hospital beds for a mere lack of effort.  Hey, we’ve all been there…only a block left in your walk and Cujo decides to take his fourth behemoth dump of the session, and you’ve already exhausted your shitbag reserves. (Side note: most dogs are assholes.  Don’t think for a second they’re not counting how many shitbags go in your pocket before you leave the house.). But that doesn’t mean you’re without options.

Option one is for the suckers…where you scurry around trying to find alternatives like discarded candy bar wrappers, napkins/tissues, only to ultimately have to pay the price of completing the journey with shitty palms. (Not worth it, I’d think I’d opt for the stabbing if given the choice.)

Then there’s the old “phantom poop trick”, where you circle the crime scene for a minute or two, finally putting on a show of wild bewilderment as if the clump of shit mysteriously vanished. You throw out a “WTF,” raise your hands to the heavens, and even go as far as asking Cujo “did you see where it went?” Narc’ing neighbors tend to give you the benefit of the doubt because nobody wants to incite a confrontation when the Devils work is potentially in play.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Grass Grabber”. The Grass Grabber is the “phantom poop” alternative for those that are terrible actors.  You simply take the maxed out bag that you’re already toting, and scoop and pull the clean patch of grass, preferably in the vicinity of Cujo’s landmine.  While not required (but preferable), if you can sneak a couple leaves of lawn clippings over the evidence, all the better.  That should give you enough time skulk out of the neighborhood before your psychopathic neighbor is any the wiser.

Clearly there are options.  So some may read this article and conclude that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave, is an unstable lunatic.  Or you consider the real moral of this story, which suggests that, any level of indifference with regard to Cujo’s shits will likely lead to you getting stabbed.  Scoo that’ Poo, bruh!

When people start stabbing folks for meatballs, it means we need more meatballs.

Baltimore Sun

A dispute between two employees of a Fallston business over a meatball during lunch Thursday led to a stabbing, the Harford County Sheriff’s Office said.

Deputies were called around 11:10 a.m. to the business in the 2300 block of Belair Road, where they learned there had been an argument over one employee eating the other’s meatball from his lunch, Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Cristie Kahler said.

A fight ensued and the employee who had eaten the meatball was stabbed in the arm by the employee whose lunch he had taken the meatball from, Kahler said.

The victim, a 36-year-old Aberdeen man, was taken to a local hospital and later discharged.

The assailant, a 31-year-old Edgewood man, fled the scene.

An arrest warrant has been issued but the man had not been served as of Tuesday afternoon, Kahler said.

To be honest, this story is less a story about poor behavior among two colleagues in the work place and more of a story on society’s current relationship with the meatball.  Back in the day, it was nothing but “Spaghetti and Meatball this” and “Meatball that”…Americans dinner tables were just lousy with meatballs.  It was all about meatballs.  People even started being defined by their meatballs…how big, how rotund, how soft, and how juicy:

“Have you heard from Bill at all lately?”

“Which Bill?  Bill with the meatballs that are so big that they make him walk funny? Or Bill down the street who lost one of his meatballs when he was hopping a chain link fence running from the Cops in high school?” 

Now, it’s a totally different story.  I have north of 450 contacts in my phone and I’m fairly certain not one of them knows how to roll a meatball.  Meatballs are so scarce that some of us have no qualms about stabbing coworkers just to get a little nibble.  We need more Meatballs!  Go ahead moms everywhere; keep rolling out that cute meatless veggie red sauce bullshit on spaghetti night.  It’s only a matter of time before your kid is pawning your wedding bands to get their next meatball fix.  We’re seeing it all too often these days.  If you don’t want little Suzie hanging out behind the bowling alley in a year or two, “creatively” generating cash for meatballs, then it’s time to start rolling that meat!

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

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FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.


So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow?  Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue.  I see green.  Lots of it.  I see “in-store” appearances.  I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line.  I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.).  I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.”  I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.”  I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star.  Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.


Pittsburgh CBS Local

UNITY TOWNSHIP (KDKA) – A young man is facing charges stemming from an unusual incident in Westmoreland County Monday.

Skyler Connor, 18, of New Derry, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for waving a rubber penis at passing motorists.

According to police, the incident happened on Route 30 in Unity Township around 6 p.m.

Connor was a passenger in the back seat of a vehicle at the time.

Color me puzzled here, but at what point did waving rubber hogs at your fellow motorists go from being a friendly gesture to an obscene affront?  Did I miss something?  I just assumed if you were packing hmeat, in your glove compartment you were supposed to honk and wiggle…kind of like the way Jeep folks like to honk and wave at each other…as a way of acknowledging their vehicular kinship and affinity for shitty cars.  You got “Hook’em Horns”, the “Dale Earnhardt 3’s”, Dead Heads “Waving to the wind”, and as far as I knew, the “dildo salute” was right there in the mix.  What better way to break up the monotony of the highway than wondering “where do you think the guy driving the Kia Sephia with Arizona tags is going with that 6.5 inch jack rabbit?”  If I’m wrong, please by all means let me know, as my road trip staples are almost always a pair of Gatorades, Trail Mix, Europe 72, and a two foot double’ender (Get’s a lot of honks in Middle America.).  Last thing I want to have to do is register as a sex offender every time I pass through Pittsburgh.  That would be super inconvenient, especially, when the family and I head to Chicago for Christmas. (Does EZpass covers sex offender registry?)