What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

nflcrimes

pic from mediacriminaljustice.blogspot.com

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator.  If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.   

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form.  While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew,  I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks?  You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.”  –Roger Goodell 

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league.  Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times.  Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders.  And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request.  While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively.  Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer.  That’s at least good for bragging rights.  Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield.  I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small?  We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

brandy-allen (1)

5NewsOnlineAK

FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.

FLEXOLITE

So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow?  Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue.  I see green.  Lots of it.  I see “in-store” appearances.  I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line.  I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.).  I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.”  I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.”  I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star.  Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,