America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

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5NewsOnlineAK

FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.

FLEXOLITE

So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow?  Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue.  I see green.  Lots of it.  I see “in-store” appearances.  I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line.  I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.).  I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.”  I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.”  I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star.  Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.

roadtraditions

Pittsburgh CBS Local

UNITY TOWNSHIP (KDKA) – A young man is facing charges stemming from an unusual incident in Westmoreland County Monday.

Skyler Connor, 18, of New Derry, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for waving a rubber penis at passing motorists.

According to police, the incident happened on Route 30 in Unity Township around 6 p.m.

Connor was a passenger in the back seat of a vehicle at the time.

Color me puzzled here, but at what point did waving rubber hogs at your fellow motorists go from being a friendly gesture to an obscene affront?  Did I miss something?  I just assumed if you were packing hmeat, in your glove compartment you were supposed to honk and wiggle…kind of like the way Jeep folks like to honk and wave at each other…as a way of acknowledging their vehicular kinship and affinity for shitty cars.  You got “Hook’em Horns”, the “Dale Earnhardt 3’s”, Dead Heads “Waving to the wind”, and as far as I knew, the “dildo salute” was right there in the mix.  What better way to break up the monotony of the highway than wondering “where do you think the guy driving the Kia Sephia with Arizona tags is going with that 6.5 inch jack rabbit?”  If I’m wrong, please by all means let me know, as my road trip staples are almost always a pair of Gatorades, Trail Mix, Europe 72, and a two foot double’ender (Get’s a lot of honks in Middle America.).  Last thing I want to have to do is register as a sex offender every time I pass through Pittsburgh.  That would be super inconvenient, especially, when the family and I head to Chicago for Christmas. (Does EZpass covers sex offender registry?)

So You Like Taking Scandalous Pictures….

Well it turns out Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are just as freaky as the rest of us. If that comes as a surprise then you’re probably the same person who thinks their naked snap chats really disappear when the timer is up.  How can these smart, successful, media savvy women not realize everything they have ever recorded is stored somewhere? I mean come on people that’s internet 101!

That being said, I am in no way defending the low-life who posted these pictures (that I may or may not have almost missed my fantasy football draft trying to find–> see this article is sports related). This guy or gal is the scum of the earth and I’m sure there is a special place in hell for him or her.

Anyway I digress…. Here at Can I Be Frank and Crew we try not to judge, but rather offer up helpful solutions. In order to keep you out of a similar situation here are seven easy things you can do when you feel the urge to take that NFSW photo.

Read the Can I Be Frank and Crew Blog

Baby Reading

(Hey you’re doing that already! You’re off to a great start!)

Measure animals while they eat

Angry Cat

(So far my study has concluded cats, dogs, and small people aren’t thrilled to be measured while eating… btw I’m always looking for interns to help with my study)

Take naked regular pictures

Taking a Picture

(It may be tough to believe, but the camera still works with your clothes on)

Clean your pump shotty

Shotgun

(That’s a shot gun–> great for getting rid of gators and the always annoying fruit fly)

Develop your own language

Languagae

(That’ll ensure you’ll have no one to send those scandalous selfies to)

Take a cold shower

Shower

(actually scratch that… you’ll be in your birthday suit and I’ve heard stories of people mistaking a towel for their phone, and snapping a few pictures just to make sure)

Ummm…. Let’s see….. You could….. hmm… Aw screw it! Kim Kardashian got famous for a sex tape so who knows the world could be your oyster!

Kardashian