Screech, Stabbing and the Saved By the Bell Police Lineup

The actor best known for playing the character Screech in the ’90s sitcom “Saved by the Bell” was arrested Thursday on charges that he stabbed a man with a knife during a fight at a Wisconsin bar, police said.

Dustin Diamond, 37, appeared in court Friday on a charge of second-degree recklessly endangering safety, a felony, as well as misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, and a judge set his bail at $10,000, according to court records.

Police said Diamond stabbed a man during an altercation at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington at around 11:15 p.m., and then he and his fiancée fled in a white sport-utility vehicle. Diamond and his fiancée, Amanda Schutz, were taken into custody a short time later, and police said they found a folding knife with a 3.75-inch blade inside the vehicle with what appeared to be blood on it.

The victim suffered a stab wound to his right armpit, but police said the wound was not life threatening and he was recovering at home Friday.

When police caught up to the SUV, Diamond initially told the officer he had a “pen” in his hand but later admitted it was a knife, according to the criminal complaint. Diamond, who lives in Port Washington, told the officer he accidentally stabbed the man while trying to protect Schutz during a heated confrontation at the bar, according to the complaint. Other witnesses told police the fight broke out after Diamond’s fiancée got upset over people taking pictures, the complaint said.

Diamond’s agent, Roger Paul, declined to comment. A person who picked up the phone at the Grand Avenue Saloon said Diamond is not a regular at the bar. Schutz, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct.

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Apparently in the foggy haze of egg nog and family drama, my Crew and I missed perhaps the greatest news event that has happened during this blessed Christmas season; Screech went out and stabbed a Mo Fo!  I mean, I get it, any member of the Saved by the Bell cast has every right to go on a killing spree for their lackluster success since the show discontinued nearly two decades ago, but I never saw Screech as the assailant.

If we were playing CLUE, Screech would not be the guy I found in the library (Wisconsin ‘saloon’) with the Candle Stick (3.75-inch knife!) wrecking house…or would I?

Let’s place the gang from Bayside HS in a police lineup and grade them…. (an A being highest likelihood to stab someone in a midwest bar and F being the least likely)

Zach Morris

Outside of like 10 quasi-shitty episodes of NYPD Blue, Mark Paul (never trust a guy with 2 first names) Gosseler has done nothing with his career.  You would think that handsome bastard could have at least transitioned to a B-rate star making Skinemax ‘Lornos’ (light + porno= lorno).  I can easily see him stabbing dudes in bars after hitting on and picking up their girlfriends…. after buying some $1.00 Mens Room cologne….with a stolen debit card.

GRADE: C

AC Slater

Mario Lopez has actually (vomit surfacing in my throat) achieved the most success of these 90s phenoms.  Like it or not, AC’s mug is on TV almost every day dishing on all the gossip on Access Hollywood or E or the Who Gives Shit network.  He has also slain some serious tail over the years including the ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Dancing With The Stars communist hottie Karina Smirnoff and even had a very short term marriage to that scalding Doritos girl, Ali Landry.  The only thing Slater ‘stabs’ is hot ass.

GRADE: F–

Lisa Turtle

Is Lark Voorhies still alive?  I just assumed you offed herself years ago when she wasn’t even recognized at the Burger King…she was working at.

GRADE: INCOMPLETE

Kelly Kapowski

Ah, Kelly…the girl we all loved.  I thought she had a shot at the big time.  After she left Bayview, she reinvented herself.  Changed her name to Valerie and went on to become a total slut and torment Dylan McKay across town at Beverly Hills 90210 High School.  She was like a rising Phoenix that Tiffany Amber (destined fo the Pole with that name) Thiessen.  However, giving 20 year old men erections across ‘Merica is not enough to make it in this racket.  To quote Mike Tyson, Kelly has vanished in Bolivion.  She is a viable suspect.

GRADE: B+

Mr. Belding

Let’s shift gears to that glue-sniffing principal from Bayview.  The guy was always WAY to close to the gang.  He was WAY too jolly about his station in life and, quite frankly, he gave me to the creeps.  Not to mention, Dennis Haskins (I guess that’s his real name) has done less with his acting career that all of the ‘Bell-ers’ combined.  I’d say he could be the stabbing type but my gut tells me he is working at a Friendly’s in rural Pennsylvania under a new name and is teetering on Level 3 status.  Mr. B doesn’t have a violent streak – he just loves the children.

GRADE: D

Jesse Spano

So, if you put a 3.75-inch blade to my head, Jesse would be my best guess as to being the type of person that knifes guys in Wisconsin bars on Christmas.  Elizabeth Berkeley essentially DID turn to pornography after the ‘Bell (read: Showgirls).  Beauty and loose morals are just not enough to convert in this business, but certainly a  plausible cocktail to turn to stabbing.  After being rejected by that red-headed toolbox on CSI Miami, where is a damaged girl to turn?  Jesse has stabber (and likely some various bodily fluids) written all over her face.

GRADE: A-

Screech

Say it ain’t so Dustin Diamond (is he really the Beastie Boys’ Mike D’s brother?  Really?)?  I realize a life (real and television) of rejection had to reach maximum capacity at some point, but I never thought it would be you.  Of couse, after he mercilessly pounded the late, real-life homosexual Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing, we all knew he had a pension for violence.  The writing was on that lockerroom wall at Bayside.  I just wish someone acted sooner.

GRADE: He did it.

“It’s alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m SAVED BY THE BELL!”

If you don’t ‘Scoo the Poo’… you’re probably going to get stabbed.

poop

Boston.com

Police said a fight between neighbors over unscooped dog poop on private property escalated to a brutal double stabbing in Springfield Saturday. 

Authorities said that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave. was quickly arrested after other neighbors identified him as the assailant. Detectives said they also found a large kitchen knife they believe was used in the attack. 

Valentin is accused of repeatedly stabbing a 46-year-old woman in the back and slashing her 23-year-old daughter in the face. Both women are reportedly in stable condition at an area hospital.

The Springfield Republican reports that Valentin had called police to complain about his neighbor not cleaning up after her dog two hours before the attack. 

Valentin faces two counts each of armed assault with intent to murder and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and a single count of mayhem.

Look, I’m a reasonable dude.  I’m not going to sit here and say that “intent to murder” is a reasonable response in this incident…well, at least directly.  Fact of the matter is that these two birds are lying, semi disfigured in hospital beds for a mere lack of effort.  Hey, we’ve all been there…only a block left in your walk and Cujo decides to take his fourth behemoth dump of the session, and you’ve already exhausted your shitbag reserves. (Side note: most dogs are assholes.  Don’t think for a second they’re not counting how many shitbags go in your pocket before you leave the house.). But that doesn’t mean you’re without options.

Option one is for the suckers…where you scurry around trying to find alternatives like discarded candy bar wrappers, napkins/tissues, only to ultimately have to pay the price of completing the journey with shitty palms. (Not worth it, I’d think I’d opt for the stabbing if given the choice.)

Then there’s the old “phantom poop trick”, where you circle the crime scene for a minute or two, finally putting on a show of wild bewilderment as if the clump of shit mysteriously vanished. You throw out a “WTF,” raise your hands to the heavens, and even go as far as asking Cujo “did you see where it went?” Narc’ing neighbors tend to give you the benefit of the doubt because nobody wants to incite a confrontation when the Devils work is potentially in play.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Grass Grabber”. The Grass Grabber is the “phantom poop” alternative for those that are terrible actors.  You simply take the maxed out bag that you’re already toting, and scoop and pull the clean patch of grass, preferably in the vicinity of Cujo’s landmine.  While not required (but preferable), if you can sneak a couple leaves of lawn clippings over the evidence, all the better.  That should give you enough time skulk out of the neighborhood before your psychopathic neighbor is any the wiser.

Clearly there are options.  So some may read this article and conclude that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave, is an unstable lunatic.  Or you consider the real moral of this story, which suggests that, any level of indifference with regard to Cujo’s shits will likely lead to you getting stabbed.  Scoo that’ Poo, bruh!

When people start stabbing folks for meatballs, it means we need more meatballs.

Baltimore Sun

A dispute between two employees of a Fallston business over a meatball during lunch Thursday led to a stabbing, the Harford County Sheriff’s Office said.

Deputies were called around 11:10 a.m. to the business in the 2300 block of Belair Road, where they learned there had been an argument over one employee eating the other’s meatball from his lunch, Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Cristie Kahler said.

A fight ensued and the employee who had eaten the meatball was stabbed in the arm by the employee whose lunch he had taken the meatball from, Kahler said.

The victim, a 36-year-old Aberdeen man, was taken to a local hospital and later discharged.

The assailant, a 31-year-old Edgewood man, fled the scene.

An arrest warrant has been issued but the man had not been served as of Tuesday afternoon, Kahler said.

To be honest, this story is less a story about poor behavior among two colleagues in the work place and more of a story on society’s current relationship with the meatball.  Back in the day, it was nothing but “Spaghetti and Meatball this” and “Meatball that”…Americans dinner tables were just lousy with meatballs.  It was all about meatballs.  People even started being defined by their meatballs…how big, how rotund, how soft, and how juicy:

“Have you heard from Bill at all lately?”

“Which Bill?  Bill with the meatballs that are so big that they make him walk funny? Or Bill down the street who lost one of his meatballs when he was hopping a chain link fence running from the Cops in high school?” 

Now, it’s a totally different story.  I have north of 450 contacts in my phone and I’m fairly certain not one of them knows how to roll a meatball.  Meatballs are so scarce that some of us have no qualms about stabbing coworkers just to get a little nibble.  We need more Meatballs!  Go ahead moms everywhere; keep rolling out that cute meatless veggie red sauce bullshit on spaghetti night.  It’s only a matter of time before your kid is pawning your wedding bands to get their next meatball fix.  We’re seeing it all too often these days.  If you don’t want little Suzie hanging out behind the bowling alley in a year or two, “creatively” generating cash for meatballs, then it’s time to start rolling that meat!