‘If it’s not Scottish, it’s Crap: 7 of the Greatest Scottish Characters

Well, after nearly 700 hundred years since (or at least since 1995) William Wallace delivered that famous inspirational speech before leading his army of Scottish soldiers in to battle, it appears as if Scotland may finally be free of being a part of the United Kingdom.  A very exciting time and a great victory for Ireland’s smaller, angrier little brother.

In honor of that, let’s recognize 7 of the greatest Scottish characters in history. (interestingly, most of these Scottish characters are played by Canadian Mike Myers)

Now, let’s get pissed!

William Wallace

Fine, let’s get him out of the way.  If Wallace was in fact real, then he was a coolest, toughest Scotsman that ever threw a stone.  Badass to the core, he was perhaps the root of the freedom they may gain today.  Mel Gibson’s portrayal was epic and here he delivers his most memorable speech; except, of course, for his anti-Semitic tirade.


Big, fat, ugly, green do-gooder from the world of Disney, Shrek has to make the list.  But like every worthy Scot, Shrek could kick some ass with the best of them.

Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Nice guy Scotty was the heart and soul of cult followed 70s program, Star Trek.  Innocent Scotty was the composed voice of reason of the starship Enterprise and always kept his composure even after being told to ‘Beam up’ that fat, smug, know-it-all Priceline-pushing bastard, Captain Kirk, a million times.

Scrooge McDuck

A Disney spinoff of the Dickens’ character, Scrooge McDuck epitomized an angry Scotsduck.  Ruthless, unforgiving but somewhere inside that fluffy chest beat a heart full of haggis.


This memorable lad from the dark and dreary Trainspotting set Scotland back a few centuries.  An absolute madman, Begbie perhaps epitomized every Scottish stereotype ever imagined.  But what a great kicker of the nuts.

Groundskeeper Willie

The Simpsons…..as a key member of the cast of the longest running sitcom in history, Groundskeeper Willie was the most animated man in town.  Redheaded, fiery, and incredibly jacked Willie was the Scottish staple that kept the Springfield Elementary School clean and kept for more than two decades.

Stu MacKenzie

This father figure in the less-than-memorable So I Married an Axe Murder is my absolute favorite Scottish character of all time.  The drunken, bitter but affable Stu (of course, played by Myers) embodies the Scottish spirit.  Here is a compilation of Stu’s funniest scenes.  Now, go give your mother a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.

Remember, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.

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