Can I Be Frank & Crew?

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator. If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form. While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew, I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks? You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.” –Roger Goodell

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league. Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times. Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1^st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders. And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request. While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively. Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer. That’s at least good for bragging rights. Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield. I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small? We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

Austin Fontanella, Sports

This…Is…PITTSBURGH!

If you haven’t seen this yet be prepared to waste the next 20 minutes (that’s a conservative estimate) watching it on replay.

This weekend Antonio Brown of the Pittsburgh Steelers pulled off a move that would make King Leonidas himself proud. The wide out was returning a punt against the Cleveland Browns when he tried to “jump” (or at least that’s his story and he is sticking to it) punter Spencer Lanning. The jump didn’t work out so well, but the result was gif gold!

First the original….

Notice the king’s fantastic posture, and his can do attitude as he kicks the Persian diplomat into the hole. (Side not: I love this movie and I am not ashamed to say it).

Now here is Antonio Brown…

Antonio Brown

They say all great pioneers build off those who came before them. Antonio Brown is no different. Notice how he took King Leonidas’s signature kick and added a little running start to it. Not only that but he kept running as if Lanning was just a poor animal who tried to cross the road as a semi was bearing down. I mean if I’m the Russian judge I’m giving the perfect 10 not to the Spartan but to Brown! And that my friends is how you make a statement!

Dan Tobin

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

5NewsOnlineAK

FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.

So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow? Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue. I see green. Lots of it. I see “in-store” appearances. I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line. I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.). I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.” I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.” I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star. Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,

Anger, Pistoffirishman

Worst Chain Necklace Ever

Bronx, NY Man Commits Suicide by Pulling His Own Head Off

Yesterday, bystanders in the Bronx watched in horror as a man commit suicide by self-decapitation.

The New York Daily News described Tomas Rivera’s death thusly: “[Rivera] tied a chain from his head to a pole, then hit the gas on his 2005 Honda CRV in Hunts Point.”

His head was ripped off, according to police, and “was left on the street by the pole.”

You can say a lot of things about this man, Tomas Rivera, but you can’t call him a quitter. If I saw this guy pull that crap it would be awful and I wouldn’t be able to help myself from the nonsense that came out of my mouth, such as..

“Yo that guy is completely off the chain!”

“Well at least he didn’t go through the windshield.”

“Please turn the salsa music down I’m getting a head ache”

“That better not be my mountain bike chain.”

“Who said the CRV had no pickup?”

“Oh my god he isn’t wearing a seatbelt.”

“Does anyone know any of his 12 kids? Is he bleeding?”

“Oh ya he is bleeding.”

“I feel the same way when the Pats don’t cover.”

Even worse picture being this guys family calling relatives about the death “Just wanted to let you know Tomas has passed away. Ya it was a bit sudden, but he went peacefully by pulling his head off”.

The real question here is what made this guy so mad that he killed himself in such a “screw all you guys” kinda way? I got a couple ideas of what pushed him over the edge.

Maybe he got stuck watching Bachelor Pad in Paradise and got depressed when that one-handed broad couldn’t clap?

Maybe his wife told him any where was a good place for dinner but shot down all 17 of his suggestions?

Maybe he just recently found out that Sam and Diane broke up or maybe he couldn’t beat King Hippo in Mike Tyson’s Punchout?

Whatever it was he completely over reacted. If he had to do it all over again I’m sure he probably wouldn’t have filled the tank up.

Uncategorized

VINDICATED!!! When a raging driver takes on a bus full of furries…

Well look what we have here. I’ve been saying for years that Sponge Bob Square Pants was nothing but a little bitch, and everyone was like, “There goes Tobes again, talking all kinds of shit” and “That’s just Tobes spouting off nonsense without any shred of proof .“ Well here you go fellas…Exhibited A, B, C and D. We got Mr Square Pants himself sitting on the sidelines like a big puss while Mickey shod foots a guy to death with his furry mouse feet. And per usual, there’s Sponge Bob doing nothing but hopping on the top of the pile like he’s Junior Seau trying to get extra tackle stats. He probably unloaded tails of his bravado all night to any poor sap that would listen. F’n Sponge Bob. That guy sucks.

PS. When faced with the scenario of being rushed by van full of Furries, coming out of it with your clothes on and a mild concussion is the best possible outcome, right?

Dan Tobin

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.

Pittsburgh CBS Local

UNITY TOWNSHIP (KDKA) – A young man is facing charges stemming from an unusual incident in Westmoreland County Monday.

Skyler Connor, 18, of New Derry, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for waving a rubber penis at passing motorists.

According to police, the incident happened on Route 30 in Unity Township around 6 p.m.

Connor was a passenger in the back seat of a vehicle at the time.

Color me puzzled here, but at what point did waving rubber hogs at your fellow motorists go from being a friendly gesture to an obscene affront? Did I miss something? I just assumed if you were packing hmeat, in your glove compartment you were supposed to honk and wiggle…kind of like the way Jeep folks like to honk and wave at each other…as a way of acknowledging their vehicular kinship and affinity for shitty cars. You got “Hook’em Horns”, the “Dale Earnhardt 3’s”, Dead Heads “Waving to the wind”, and as far as I knew, the “dildo salute” was right there in the mix. What better way to break up the monotony of the highway than wondering “where do you think the guy driving the Kia Sephia with Arizona tags is going with that 6.5 inch jack rabbit?” If I’m wrong, please by all means let me know, as my road trip staples are almost always a pair of Gatorades, Trail Mix, Europe 72, and a two foot double’ender (Get’s a lot of honks in Middle America.). Last thing I want to have to do is register as a sex offender every time I pass through Pittsburgh. That would be super inconvenient, especially, when the family and I head to Chicago for Christmas. (Does EZpass covers sex offender registry?)