Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Tattoo U: Men & Women’s Guide to Ink Placement

Tattoos are mainstream.

Tattoos are everywhere.

Tattoos are, apparently, cool.

Confession, I have a tattoo.

Yup, meet “Pat“, the drunken, angry jackoff leprechaun that lives in Right-thigh-ria on the pale continent of Frank. However, I got my tattoo more than 20 years ago; when men were men, tattoos were dangerous and needles were, most certainly, infected. Whatever, I made my bed.

Today, however, getting a tattoo is like getting a haircut to these young-ins. Like, NBD (does that even mean ‘no big deal’ or did I manke that one up?), bro. Kids, snap out of it. That ink is permanent, yo! It aint washing off like your spineless, ADD, Gen Z personalities. It’s just not.

When my old man first caught glimpse of my artwork 22 years ago he made 3 statements:

1. “Is that real?”

2. “Asshole!” (with a vicious finger point)

3. ‘Tattoos are permanent proof of temporary insanity.”

(he probably slipped in a few more a-bombs in but who was counting, right Dad?)

I fumbled with my retort as you can imagione but hey, whatcha gonna do? After that he never has mentioned it since.

So, enough of my (newly) 40 year old ranting. I simply want to impart the “Rules of Tattoos” that both men and women should adhere to. Since there is no accounting for taste, I wont even bother to pontificate on what is appropriate/cool/tasteful for your preferred tattoo. At the end of the day, regardless of your inclination for skulls, rainbows, chinese proverbs or your favorite Family Guy character, you will regret this decision, dummies. You just will.

Here are some basic guidelines for WHERE acceptable and inacceptable parts of your anatomy to place that permanent shitshow of idiocy:

Men (acceptable)
Legs :Upper thigh and calf, but I would go with less-is-more kinda thinking
Arms: Best if you have some type of muscle tone. Trust me – Pee Wee Herman can’t rock a panther on his 6″ guns – neither should you.
Shoulder/Shoulder blade: helps if you have a shape not resembling play dough

Men (unacceptable)
Torso: Nope. Uh ah.
Neck/ Face: Unless you have served time for murder, I would stay clear
Feet : Would any self-respecting dude get a foot tattoo?
Lower back: Don’t make me explain why this is a terrible idea for guys

Francis Dolarhyde's tattoo from Red Dragon

Women (acceptable)
Upper thigh : Good
Torso : Better Lower back : Yes, yes and yes please

Women (unacceptable)
Arms: Yuck, Brutus
Feet : Yeah, this just in, feet are, to quote Jimmy Fallon, EW!
Neck/face : Hi, you must be Miss “Orange is the New Gross”

Just some healthy guidelines before you pollute your skin with that delicious insanity.

Uncategorized

Countdown to Ebola being officially funny

Ebola News Guide: Deaths keep rising; world reacts

American Marines scrambled to add Ebola treatment beds in Liberia on Friday, while the U.S. and Britain readied new disease screenings for passengers arriving at their airports from West Africa. Doctors tried out experimental drugs in a global battle against the deadly sickness

The U.N. said nations must all work together — and fast — or “the world will have to live with the Ebola virus forever.”

The death toll in West Africa passed 4,000 for the first time in the World Health Organization’s count of confirmed and suspected Ebola cases.

As worry ricocheted around the globe, medical records obtained by The Associated Press underscored questions about the United States’ front-line defenses. The Dallas hospital that initially missed the nation’s first Ebola diagnosis put a Liberian man through a battery of tests and CT scans for appendicitis, stroke and other serious ailments before sending him home, the records show.

Before he was released, Thomas Eric Duncan’s fever spiked to 103 degrees, he reported severe pain and told a nurse that he’d recently come from Africa. But doctors didn’t think of Ebola until he returned to the hospital two days later by ambulance. On Wednesday, Duncan became the first person to die of Ebola in the United States.

“As long as there is one case of Ebola in any one of these countries, no country is safe from the dangers posed by this deadly virus,” said Anthony Banbury, who heads the new United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response.

So the new plague is upon us and everyone is freaking out because they think the runny nose they have is the Ebola virus. Lets get something straight everyone, unless you are looking for blood diamonds, Carmen Sandiego, or having dinner at Dikembe Motumbo’s house, you are going to be fine. Now there are some good things that could happen to the USA if this disease does spread. Its the old Buffalo Theory from cheers, all this disease will do is thin the heard. It will knock all the idiots, and weak people out of the way. In the immortal words of Bill Burr

” Im pro-plague, just take your vitamins and you will be fine, we need to get rid of the weak”

Don’t get me wrong, if I see Ebola coming my way I’m running away faster then Adrian Petersons kid after a Vikings loss. But think of all the people that drive you crazy on a daily basis because they are the ones that will get the shit spewing virus that is Ebola. Like these people

-Any sports analyst/athlete with a bow tie
-The guy that almost ran you of the road to gain 1 car length
-All Khardasians
-Aggressive Huggers that cause stitches
-The people with the stick figures on their cars
-Mouth breathers and close talkers
-Reality show people…except The Challenge (CT needs people to beat down)
-Chicks that speak with an upward inflection at the end of every sentence they SSAAAYYYYY
-Neck tattoo people unless its real classy
-People with glasses that don’t need them (that’s like using a wheel chair when you can walk)
-blue tooth people/ loud cell phone talkers
-Anyone involved with MTVs Teen Mom
-All states lower then D.C.
-People who use the phrase “not for nothing” “same difference” “no offense but”
-Theater majors
-People who miss high fives then try again (just end it for Christ sakes you missed)

That group of people are the ones that I came up with in like 2 minutes never mind all the people that really piss me off. So don’t be afraid of this new disease, embrace it, it can only help us clean this shit out of our way. The Buffalo Theory is real, Cheers has never steered me wrong in my life. So drink your whiskey, take your vitamin C and you will be healthy as a horse. At the very least you will live a lot longer then most on that list of assholes. I figure worst case scenario Mike from Growing pains is right about everything, zombies take over and I end up in Hell where Im going to know more people anyways.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

If only there was a ‘Kanye-bola Virus’

Kanye West refused to continue his show on Friday night in Sydney, Australia until the entire audience was standing and dancing in physical Yeezus worship. Unfortunately for Kanye’s self-esteem, one of the audience members had a prosthetic leg and another used a wheelchair.

One concertgoer told the Daily Mail that he addressed the crowd saying “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.” The fan waved her leg in the air and Kanye so kindly continued the show, stopping again when he saw there remained a single seated fan.

According to the tabloid, he then halted performance of “Good Life,” saying “‘This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable,” before sending over a bodyguard to check that the fan was differently abled.

————————————————————————————————

I probably should have let our resident anger blogger @pistoffirishman take this one, but my fingers were already typing.

Question: Is there a worse human being in the world that Kanye West? This egotistical, arrogant narcissistic scumbag has once again hit a new low (I thought marrying that fat-ass a would be the bench mark, but bravo Mr. West, you managed to top yourself).

What really needs to happen to Mr. Stronger is he needs to contract a disease from the Ironic Torture Chamber?

What would be ideally suited for this talent-less dipshit?

If you could invent the Kanye-bola, what would it include in it’s symptoms?

My thoughts would be…

A. Instant muting.

The very first symptom would be the losing of the tongue. Not only would you lose ability to speak, but your tongue would literally fall out; painfully and slowly fall out with the taste of Bruce Jenner’s 1976 Olympic jock strap filling every taste bud as it happened over several long months.

B. “Carltonism”:

We all know Kanye perceives himself as quite the dancer, well, upon contracting Kanye-bola, the victim could only dance like the goofy Alfonso Ribeiro character, Carlton, from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. It would like an uncontrollable tick that happened only when cameras were on you.

C. Ass-Displacement:

Immediate retention of Kim K’s gi-normous backside would come next. This odd symptom would eliminate equilibrium causing the victim to constantly fall backwards with every step they took.

D. Genital Pins and Needles:

And just when you think it could not get worse, the 4th and most painful symptom of Kanye-bola hits you; a constant, sharp, dagger-like pain inflicted upon the genital area. Picture a human pin cushion with a thousand needles that never stop poking away at your “Gold Digger“. Ouchie.

E. Bankruptcy

Sure, it doesn’t seem to fall in line with a medical disorder, but so what, I am calling the shots here. Immediate, total, and irreversible poverty strikes the victim, so don’t think you can hire an entourage to help you manage the K-bola. Uh uh. You will be shacked up under a bridge playing ‘Keeping Up with the Smelly Homeless Guy’.

More bad news, Kan, you, and only you, are the only living organism capable of contracting Kanye-bola on earth. Bummer, huh?

There is, however, a silver lining, K-Man (adding more fuel to the irony of this unique affliction) you get to live for 1,000 years! Yep, longevity is final symptom. What are the odds?

Have a ‘Good Life’!

Maybe you can pray to Yeezus for help?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Ryder Cup Week!

In case you forgot, arguably the most exciting event in golf is happening this week – The 2014 Ryder Cup. From Glasgow, Scotland (If its not Scottish, It’s Crap), The United States will face the highly favored European team. I have said it before, you don’t have to like golf. You don’t even have to like sports. But you MUST love your country! The Ryder Cup is everything that is right about sports and competition. It’s like the Olympics, only interesting and not fueled by steroids (apologies to the Russian Women’s Water Polo team, but you know it’s true you commie, face-shaving she-males).

The Ryder Cup is not about money, rankings or fame. It’s about trying to decimate people from other parts of the world who talk funny. It’s pissah!

For those of you saying “golf is too slow/quiet/boring/uneventful”, check this video and get back to me when your goosebumps go away. (by the way, people NEVER cheer when golfers are hitting, in case you don’t get it, dummahs!)

Well, if that didn’t make you feel excited about sports in America, then try this on for size…

USA USA USA!!!!

http://www.rydercup.com

Uncategorized

Proof Peyton Manning is an Ass!

Before Jameis Winston, Peyton Manning Had His Own Sexual Misconduct Issue

What does Jameis Winston have in common with college-aged Peyton Manning? Other than being among the best quarterbacks of their time, they’ve both found themselves in hot water thanks to allegations of sexual misconduct.

Jameis Winston catches a lot of heat for his immaturity, and deservedly so. Even after the controversial rape allegation that cast a cloud over his Heisman-winning season, the Florida State quarterback has continued to make headlines for inglorious purposes, whether it’s stealing food from a grocery store or yelling graphic sexual slurs in a public setting.

He’s certainly no golden child. Then again, neither was Manning.Today he’s one of the most popular figures in the NFL, and well-known for his sportsmanship and for being an all-around good guy. But according to a new column by Jason McIntyre of TheBigLead, Manning should be counting his blessings that he didn’t grow up in the social media era. As the article points out, Manning had a sexual misconduct suit against him that is virtually unknown to the public at large.

In the suit, Manning was accused by a then-University of Tennessee female trainer of dropping his pants during an injury examination, and placing his buttocks and private parts on her face.That sounds bad on its own, but it gets worse: Another student-athlete observed the incident and, several years later, wrote Manning a letter, urging him to admit what he had done.The trainer immediately brought her complaint to the university, and she won a settlement from the school before leaving her position.

But the incident resurfaced several years later, when Manning wrote his perspective in his autobiography. He described the trainer as having a “vulgar mouth.” The trainer, who was then the program director at Florida Southern College, was demoted and apparently lost her job due to the vulgar accusation.Manning had settled with her out of court over the incident, but he had to re-settle with her once again after discussing the incident on ESPN , which violated the terms of the agreement.All in all, it’s a story that tarnishes the image Manning has cultivated over a long, successful career, and an incident that he no doubt regrets. If this had become a major national news story while Manning was still in college, it’s one that could have altered the course of his career.

So there it is everyone, finally proof that the dolphin faced sqeaky clean endorsement junkie is actually an asshole. So do you think he gets in trouble when he makes it to the NFL for putting his ass in some trainers face. Hell no he doesn’t, he does what every other rich guy with any sense should do, you pay for it to go away. That’s why Kobe is still playing basketball, he paid for his oops sorry about the rape heres’ season tickets and 5 million Colorado vacation. Its why Michael Jackson kept playing hide the match box car with every kid on the tilt-a-wheel. For Christ sakes ever Ferris Bueller killed 2 people in a car accident (I know right, changes that whole parade scene now) but you don’t hear about that on the E network.

The problems in the NFL dont just stop at moon landings. Theres wife beatings, kid beatings, OUIs, drugs, and thats just a weekend with Lawrence Taylor.The NFL needs to stop acting like counciling and talking about feelings is going to stop these animals from beating the shit out of every man, woman and child around. Yes, they should all be suspended but lets not act like this is a shock to people. Your telling me that it took an elevator video of a woman getting punched by her fiancé for people to say “wait a tick, these guys need counciling”. I mean personally I think a woman who can take a punch is sexy, look at Ronda Rousey.

The funny thing here is if we had cell phone video of that broad taking Peytons ass to her face, its possible that he would be an even shittier quarterback then he is now. So even Espns favorite highlight film Peyton Manning is an ass clown just like the rest of the NFL .Yes we have all done juvenile things like Peyton, I cant count how many times ive put my penis on peoples shoulders while they read at the library, but that’s just me enjoying the weekend. So before everyone starts crying about how bad the sport is and how they all should be kicked out of the league once they are arrested for jay walking, remember that even the NFLs binky is an asshole.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

‘If it’s not Scottish, it’s Crap: 7 of the Greatest Scottish Characters

Well, after nearly 700 hundred years since (or at least since 1995) William Wallace delivered that famous inspirational speech before leading his army of Scottish soldiers in to battle, it appears as if Scotland may finally be free of being a part of the United Kingdom. A very exciting time and a great victory for Ireland’s smaller, angrier little brother.

In honor of that, let’s recognize 7 of the greatest Scottish characters in history. (interestingly, most of these Scottish characters are played by Canadian Mike Myers)

Now, let’s get pissed!

William Wallace

Fine, let’s get him out of the way. If Wallace was in fact real, then he was a coolest, toughest Scotsman that ever threw a stone. Badass to the core, he was perhaps the root of the freedom they may gain today. Mel Gibson’s portrayal was epic and here he delivers his most memorable speech; except, of course, for his anti-Semitic tirade.

Shrek

Big, fat, ugly, green do-gooder from the world of Disney, Shrek has to make the list. But like every worthy Scot, Shrek could kick some ass with the best of them.

Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Nice guy Scotty was the heart and soul of cult followed 70s program, Star Trek. Innocent Scotty was the composed voice of reason of the starship Enterprise and always kept his composure even after being told to ‘Beam up’ that fat, smug, know-it-all Priceline-pushing bastard, Captain Kirk, a million times.

Scrooge McDuck

A Disney spinoff of the Dickens’ character, Scrooge McDuck epitomized an angry Scotsduck. Ruthless, unforgiving but somewhere inside that fluffy chest beat a heart full of haggis.

Begbie

This memorable lad from the dark and dreary Trainspotting set Scotland back a few centuries. An absolute madman, Begbie perhaps epitomized every Scottish stereotype ever imagined. But what a great kicker of the nuts.

Groundskeeper Willie

The Simpsons…..as a key member of the cast of the longest running sitcom in history, Groundskeeper Willie was the most animated man in town. Redheaded, fiery, and incredibly jacked Willie was the Scottish staple that kept the Springfield Elementary School clean and kept for more than two decades.

Stu MacKenzie

This father figure in the less-than-memorable So I Married an Axe Murder is my absolute favorite Scottish character of all time. The drunken, bitter but affable Stu (of course, played by Myers) embodies the Scottish spirit. Here is a compilation of Stu’s funniest scenes. Now, go give your mother a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.

Remember, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.