Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

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CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

 

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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 “Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed  to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl.  I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80.  Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain?  Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly.  No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh.  More pie?”

What’s worse?  Afton is a cutie!  Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette.  The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you.  Don’t give up.

I believe in love.

 

 

Sexually Assaulted with Laughter

Bill Cosby ‘Late Show’ Appearance Canceled After Rape Allegations Resurface

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In yet another canceled appearance, Bill Cosby will no longer be on The Late Show next week.

Cosby had been schedule for the Nov. 19 episode, but has been replaced on the schedule with Regis Philbin, to whom host David Letterman has often turned to fill in when a guest cancels.

It is unclear if Cosby or The Late Show canceled the appearance.  A rep for The Late Show did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but she told The New York Times she could not “comment on the booking process.”

Cosby has been the center of controversy after allegations he sexually assaulted multiple women resurfaced. In 2006, the comedian settled out of court with a woman who claimed he’d sexually assaulted her. According to court documents, the attorneys planned to bring forward 13 other women with similar allegations. Cosby has denied these allegations.

But the claims resurfaced after critics complained that a new Cosby biography left out the rape allegations. A rant from stand-up comedian Hannibal Buress about the allegations also brought them to the forefront, as well as the news in January that Cosby was reteaming with NBC for a new sitcom.

Cosby recently withdrew from a planned appearance on The Queen Latifah Show, while a meme contest publicized on Cosby’s Twitter account became a platform for his critics to lash out at the comedian over the rape allegations.

When I first read this story I immediately assumed that Cosby was guilty and could see him luring these young actress’ with promises of introducing them to Theo, Cockroach and Dwayne Wayne.  Then something in my head said “Wait a minute he hasn’t been convicted of forcing his pudding pop on anyone yet”. How many times have we seen people falsely accused and have their careers ruined. So I am not going to judge one way or the other until I hear all the facts and circumstances. It was the late 80’s and early 90’s for Christ sake,  Hell if Bill Cosby offered me a late night drink and a trip to see his sweater lair I’m there in a heart beat. Id get to hear how he came up with the idea of the “pudding pop” after a threesome with Paula Poundstone and Lazer form American Gladiators.

Its probably all a misunderstanding to begin with…..

Maybe these women were cutting his hair at the salon and he had his elbows out to far.

Its possible these incidences all happened during Ghost Dad and Bill thought nobody could see him.

Did he really think he was a Doctor and did breast exams?

Didn’t anyone think that maybe these women are only after his money from Leonard Part 6.

A Umass Amherst student would never do that

Although he did keep saying “I SPY boobies”

Maybe this woman was cleaning his teeth and he had his elbows out to far.

Its always sad when you see these types of allegations finally coming to light when these celebrities are older. Bill Cosby is 78 years old now and Fat albert has been dead from diabetes a long time but these stories need to be heard. Guilty or not its all different now, because when I sit down to watch Cosby now all I’m going to think about is that he assaulted all these actresses with Dizzy Gillespies trumpet.  End of an era….

My dream of what happened to Bono’s luggage

 

Bloomberg – A private jet carrying Irish rock star Bono, the frontman of U2, had its baggage door shear off mid-flight during a trip between Dublin and Berlin.

The hatch and bags from the Bombardier Inc. (BBD/B) Learjet disappeared over German territory during the flight yesterday,Germany’s air accident investigation bureau said. The jet landed safely at Berlin’s Schoenefeld airport at 12.26 p.m.

“A door on the plane to the cargo hold became detached, and apparently two pieces of luggage fell out,” the bureau said. “Bono was on board. We are investigating the incident.”

The Learjet’s baggage compartment is located in a rear section that’s separate from the passenger compartment, said Paul Hayes, a safety expert at London-based Ascend. Since the hold isn’t pressurized, passengers would have been in no danger of being sucked out of the jet when the door opened, he said.

“It happens on average about once a year, somewhere in the world,” Hayes said of the luggage-door separation. “Normally it doesn’t produce any disaster.” Such mishaps generally occur when the locking mechanism isn’t properly engaged, he added.

Imagine you are Franz Von Haagendas.  You have just lost your 3rd shitty factory job in a row.  You are walking home to explain to your ugly, Hitler-disciple of a wife that already hates you.  And now,  you have to tell that Schlampe you have no more Francs for the rent because you blew the lot of it on Steins and Schnitzel.  You are contemplating suicide and then all of a sudden…BOOM.

Not one, but two mysterious suit cases land at your feet.  Like a gift from the heavens.  You look to your left, then to your right.  Not a Krout in sight, so let’s have a look inside, shall we?

Franz opens bag #1 to find…..good lord.  63 pairs of sunglasses, 46 varieties of Rosary Beeds, a few pairs of midget boots/”lifts” (you know, the kind that make you taller, right Mr. Hewsen?) and a 856 pictures of Bono, each autographed to himself with the phrase “I feckin love you, Paul! Your #1 fan, Bono”

Hmm….

On to Bag #2.  My, my, my…yup, it’s a giant bag of cash.  Enough to never work again.  Enough to leave that old Bratworst with eyes.  Enough to make it rain for the Kaiser as you piss on him in the middle of Oktoberfest.  We’re talking SPRECHEN SIE DOUCHE  money, B!

At least that is my dream for what possibly happened.

Nothing has gone right in Germany for Bono since the ’83 show when he took a FALL-ein,

Unlawful Entry: Physical 4.0

Annual physical tomorrow and, realizing I have hit that 40 year milestone in life, I am terrified that I may just have a date with ‘Dr. Jellyfinger’ for the very first time.

I can already hear those weak, smug, totally-not-consoling words of advice from ‘Doc McStuffins’ during my exam.

“Breathe easy?”
“Just relax?”
“It’s all your fault this is happening”
“Don’t tell anyone because no will believe you anyway…you slut”                                                

Spare me, ‘Ben Dover’. It’s bad enough your office is behind a dumpster in downtown Lowell and now you are about to make me feel like I am the lone resident of Sanduskyville.

Do not utter the words ‘LOOK, NO HANDS’! during any part of the ‘invasion’.  You got that, ‘Feelgood, MD.’?

Until tomorrow, ‘Rear Admiral’, you keep those mitts of yours clean, safe and gentle.   (and, if at all possible, maybe you could shrink them down to, say, Carny size?  Thanks!)

“Rectum? Nearly killed him!”

Election Night Bartending = Somebody shoot me

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There are many nights that a bartender knows that he is going to be hassled with bullshit stories no matter what he does. Valentines Day you get “how come I can’t meet someone”, Thanksgiving eve you have to pretend you give a shit about how the kid in High school that sold you mushrooms is all sober now and St. Patricks’ day it’s usually just family fighting about who’s round it is. But then there is Election Day when every one is either Jon Stewart or that dink with the bow tie. So I had to work this past election night and got two wonderful point of views. One point of view was that Charlie Baker-Scott Brown are our salvation and that Obama is the head of ISIS. Then I got out of work and had a few with the common folk who are all Mickey Wards cousins, on disability from roofing, and are allergic to toothbrushes. All had great opinions on the races-political, human, and horse. Now I usually check my politics and religion at the door when having a few chardonnays but these wonderful people had some quotes that take care of both Democrat and Republican issues.

“I don’t know how Charlie Baker isn’t up by 85%”

“I swear the only reason that Asian guy got in was because he had them coming down the Merrimack in Dragon Boats”

“All the women and minorities are now getting elected because of the fat cats on Wall St.”

“I bet diamonds to donuts that she plays for the other team and so does her husband”

“So we can start using poker machines in here now right”

“The only reason Beast held a sign for Freddie was because he got a free 12 of Bud”

“She isn’t conceding the race because she’s a cut up not toasted”

“Where the hell is Palin city and is there free Saki”

“I can bitch all I want about politics because I didn’t vote”

“In ten years the American flag will be nothing but rainbows”

“Weed has always been legal, ya just gotta know a guy”

“So this is our countries best, spewing garbage all over the tv, put on the horse racing channel, I wanna bet the 1030 at Pimlico”

“That’s it, I moving to Chelmsford”

Yup that’s America right there folks and on that note… I need a drink

S

A

“BREAKING: Baker Goes on Cocaine-Fueled Hooker Binge”

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(A little late on this post, but….)

Yes, that was the headline Martha/Marsha C(h)oakley was hoping to awaken and see in yesterday morning’s Boston Globe.  But that didn’t happen.  Our newly elected Gov accepted victory with grace and respect for his opponent. Personally, I would have rubbed it in her face with a litany of cheesy ‘Baker’ one liners! (insert double-barrel air guns and/or middle finger bombs to each of these phrases as well)

‘Martha, you just got Baked!”

“Wake and Bake(r), Martha…the party is over!”

“The Loser, The Faker, and the new Gov Baker!”

And of course….”Be sure toShake it before you Baker it!

Martie, you should have taken your lumps like man.

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To quote Imagine Dragons, ‘welcome to the new age’, MC!  Be sure to keep the want ads (and some Pepto) at close range.