Uncategorized – Page 14 – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

‘If it’s not Scottish, it’s Crap: 7 of the Greatest Scottish Characters

Well, after nearly 700 hundred years since (or at least since 1995) William Wallace delivered that famous inspirational speech before leading his army of Scottish soldiers in to battle, it appears as if Scotland may finally be free of being a part of the United Kingdom. A very exciting time and a great victory for Ireland’s smaller, angrier little brother.

In honor of that, let’s recognize 7 of the greatest Scottish characters in history. (interestingly, most of these Scottish characters are played by Canadian Mike Myers)

Now, let’s get pissed!

William Wallace

Fine, let’s get him out of the way. If Wallace was in fact real, then he was a coolest, toughest Scotsman that ever threw a stone. Badass to the core, he was perhaps the root of the freedom they may gain today. Mel Gibson’s portrayal was epic and here he delivers his most memorable speech; except, of course, for his anti-Semitic tirade.

Shrek

Big, fat, ugly, green do-gooder from the world of Disney, Shrek has to make the list. But like every worthy Scot, Shrek could kick some ass with the best of them.

Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Nice guy Scotty was the heart and soul of cult followed 70s program, Star Trek. Innocent Scotty was the composed voice of reason of the starship Enterprise and always kept his composure even after being told to ‘Beam up’ that fat, smug, know-it-all Priceline-pushing bastard, Captain Kirk, a million times.

Scrooge McDuck

A Disney spinoff of the Dickens’ character, Scrooge McDuck epitomized an angry Scotsduck. Ruthless, unforgiving but somewhere inside that fluffy chest beat a heart full of haggis.

Begbie

This memorable lad from the dark and dreary Trainspotting set Scotland back a few centuries. An absolute madman, Begbie perhaps epitomized every Scottish stereotype ever imagined. But what a great kicker of the nuts.

Groundskeeper Willie

The Simpsons…..as a key member of the cast of the longest running sitcom in history, Groundskeeper Willie was the most animated man in town. Redheaded, fiery, and incredibly jacked Willie was the Scottish staple that kept the Springfield Elementary School clean and kept for more than two decades.

Stu MacKenzie

This father figure in the less-than-memorable So I Married an Axe Murder is my absolute favorite Scottish character of all time. The drunken, bitter but affable Stu (of course, played by Myers) embodies the Scottish spirit. Here is a compilation of Stu’s funniest scenes. Now, go give your mother a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.

Remember, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.

Uncategorized

When people start stabbing folks for meatballs, it means we need more meatballs.

Baltimore Sun

A dispute between two employees of a Fallston business over a meatball during lunch Thursday led to a stabbing, the Harford County Sheriff’s Office said.

Deputies were called around 11:10 a.m. to the business in the 2300 block of Belair Road, where they learned there had been an argument over one employee eating the other’s meatball from his lunch, Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Cristie Kahler said.

A fight ensued and the employee who had eaten the meatball was stabbed in the arm by the employee whose lunch he had taken the meatball from, Kahler said.

The victim, a 36-year-old Aberdeen man, was taken to a local hospital and later discharged.

The assailant, a 31-year-old Edgewood man, fled the scene.

An arrest warrant has been issued but the man had not been served as of Tuesday afternoon, Kahler said.

To be honest, this story is less a story about poor behavior among two colleagues in the work place and more of a story on society’s current relationship with the meatball. Back in the day, it was nothing but “Spaghetti and Meatball this” and “Meatball that”…Americans dinner tables were just lousy with meatballs. It was all about meatballs. People even started being defined by their meatballs…how big, how rotund, how soft, and how juicy:

“Have you heard from Bill at all lately?”

“Which Bill? Bill with the meatballs that are so big that they make him walk funny? Or Bill down the street who lost one of his meatballs when he was hopping a chain link fence running from the Cops in high school?”

Now, it’s a totally different story. I have north of 450 contacts in my phone and I’m fairly certain not one of them knows how to roll a meatball. Meatballs are so scarce that some of us have no qualms about stabbing coworkers just to get a little nibble. We need more Meatballs! Go ahead moms everywhere; keep rolling out that cute meatless veggie red sauce bullshit on spaghetti night. It’s only a matter of time before your kid is pawning your wedding bands to get their next meatball fix. We’re seeing it all too often these days. If you don’t want little Suzie hanging out behind the bowling alley in a year or two, “creatively” generating cash for meatballs, then it’s time to start rolling that meat!

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VINDICATED!!! When a raging driver takes on a bus full of furries…

Well look what we have here. I’ve been saying for years that Sponge Bob Square Pants was nothing but a little bitch, and everyone was like, “There goes Tobes again, talking all kinds of shit” and “That’s just Tobes spouting off nonsense without any shred of proof .“ Well here you go fellas…Exhibited A, B, C and D. We got Mr Square Pants himself sitting on the sidelines like a big puss while Mickey shod foots a guy to death with his furry mouse feet. And per usual, there’s Sponge Bob doing nothing but hopping on the top of the pile like he’s Junior Seau trying to get extra tackle stats. He probably unloaded tails of his bravado all night to any poor sap that would listen. F’n Sponge Bob. That guy sucks.

PS. When faced with the scenario of being rushed by van full of Furries, coming out of it with your clothes on and a mild concussion is the best possible outcome, right?

Uncategorized

So You Like Taking Scandalous Pictures….

Well it turns out Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are just as freaky as the rest of us. If that comes as a surprise then you’re probably the same person who thinks their naked snap chats really disappear when the timer is up. How can these smart, successful, media savvy women not realize everything they have ever recorded is stored somewhere? I mean come on people that’s internet 101!

That being said, I am in no way defending the low-life who posted these pictures (that I may or may not have almost missed my fantasy football draft trying to find–> see this article is sports related). This guy or gal is the scum of the earth and I’m sure there is a special place in hell for him or her.

Anyway I digress…. Here at Can I Be Frank and Crew we try not to judge, but rather offer up helpful solutions. In order to keep you out of a similar situation here are seven easy things you can do when you feel the urge to take that NFSW photo.

Read the Can I Be Frank and Crew Blog

(Hey you’re doing that already! You’re off to a great start!)

Measure animals while they eat

(So far my study has concluded cats, dogs, and small people aren’t thrilled to be measured while eating… btw I’m always looking for interns to help with my study)

Take naked regular pictures

(It may be tough to believe, but the camera still works with your clothes on)

Clean your pump shotty

(That’s a shot gun–> great for getting rid of gators and the always annoying fruit fly)

Develop your own language

(That’ll ensure you’ll have no one to send those scandalous selfies to)

Take a cold shower

(actually scratch that… you’ll be in your birthday suit and I’ve heard stories of people mistaking a towel for their phone, and snapping a few pictures just to make sure)

Ummm…. Let’s see….. You could….. hmm… Aw screw it! Kim Kardashian got famous for a sex tape so who knows the world could be your oyster!

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Back to School: See ya suckas!

” Bloody lips and cherry wine
Moonshine in your hair
Just keep staring at the sun
Pray for summer’s end”
– Foo Fighters

Christmas? Pretty good.

Birthday? It’s OK.

Thanksgiving? Getting warmer.

No, the best day of the year is Back to School Day!

High Fives all around, TB!!!

That glorious September morning when we usher off our little cherubs to annoy a new pack of adults for 6 hours per day. Many Moms and Dads wax sadly about the end of summer and all the fun and great times they had with their kids during their warm weather hitus from their pencils and books. With all due respect; piss off people. I’ll offer up the gratuitous “I love my kids more than anything” blah blah blah crap so none of you dinks call DSS on me, but if I am being truthful (as all you parents should be about this subject), back to school day is. just. awesome.

Not sure about you, but by the dog days of summer, my kids are in need of the structure of school, the discipline of homework and simply just need to be the hell away from us.

To my teacher friends, thank you. You are doing God’s work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to freshen up my wife’s Manhattan.

See ya suckas, don’t forget your lunch boxes!

Dan Tobin, Uncategorized

Eulogy for the Caswell

Lowell Sun

TEWKSBURY — A strip of molding is peeling off the wood-paneled walls of Room 251 at the Motel Caswell, and there’s a small hole in the wall that won’t be repaired.

The bed has been made for the last time, but those in neighboring rooms are stripped, with red and green paisley comforters lying in heaps on the pavement just beyond the door.

Outside, owner Russ Caswell and his son Jay are clearing out nearby rooms, removing televisions, but leaving most of the furniture for the wrecking ball.

The Motel Caswell, which has been owned by the Caswell family for nearly 60 years, hosted its last guests Sunday night.

It’s set to be demolished next month to make way for an entertainment complex, marking the end of an era on this stretch of Route 38.
“It’s a big change. I guess you’d call it a lot of mixed feelings,” Caswell said.

The motel was the site of a seizure attempt by the federal government under drug-forfeiture laws, which Caswell fought and won in 2013. But before it became known for a number of closed-door drug deals and prostitution stings, the Motel Caswell was a family business, the place where a teenage Caswell started his working life.

Good Morning,

I’m here today….(pulling it together…dusty in here.)…excuse me (clearing throat)…I’m here today to celebrate the life of the Motel Caswell. To many, the Caswell was an old, “past it’s time” motel in a location that nobody in their right mind would ever stop or even let their car idle, let alone spend the night. To the town of Tewksbury, the property was an embarrassing blight on their “magnificent mile” of nail salons, and roast beef joints…preventing big ticket industry like bowling alley’s, and batting cages from turning the place into Dubai. But to those of us gathered here today, the Caswell was our friend. A loyal friend. A friend that was always there for us when you were at your lowest. When you needed a cozy, judgement free bed to sleep off the eleven lunchtime Jade East Mai Tai’s before doing your afternoon school bus route, the Caswell was there. When you needed a meth lab in a pinch, the Caswell was there. When your wife’s restraining order was about to expire, and you had nothing romantic planned…heart shaped tubs…all you can handle. The Caswell was there. A man on a plane once said to me, “If you’ve been to 2 Hilton’s, you’ve been to them all.” Well sir, nobody will ever say that about the Caswell. Wallet friendly rates, maid service, drive-thru hookers…real keys. The Caswell was there.

(Dusty again…clearing throat.)

The Caswell was there.