Welcome to Fast Train, meet your economics Professor, ‘Ivy’

Lawsuit: College used strippers to lure students

MIAMI (AP) — A for-profit Florida college used exotic dancers as admissions officers, falsified documents and coached students to lie on financial forms as it fraudulently obtained millions of dollars in federal money, according to a federal lawsuit filed in Miami.

On at least one of its seven campuses, FastTrain College “purposely hired attractive women and sometimes exotic dancers and encouraged them to dress provocatively while they recruited young men in neighborhoods to attend FastTrain,” according to an ongoing civil lawsuit. The Florida attorney general and the U.S. attorney in Miami announced Wednesday that they were joining the lawsuit against the now-defunct FastTrain and former owner Alejandro Amor, 56.

Amor, of Coral Gables, was criminally indicted in October and faces pending charges of conspiracy and theft of government money. A telephone message left at a listing for Amor wasn’t immediately returned

The complaint says Miami-based FastTrain and Amor bilked the U.S. Department of Education out of millions of dollars with falsified grant applications from at least January 2009 through June 2012, when the school closed after an FBI raid.

The school is accused of falsifying high school diplomas for students who didn’t have them. Because they never graduated from high school, the lawsuit contends the students wouldn’t have qualified for student aid.

To access taxpayer dollars, the school needed first-time students to attend class for at least 30 days. If they didn’t, FastTrain falsified attendance records or backdated the enrollment so they could collect the money quicker, the lawsuit says.

The growth of for-profit colleges, which are governed by private organizations or corporations, has been explosive in Florida and across the country. As the schools have grown, numerous whistle-blower lawsuits have been filed against them by ex-employees. In the FastTrain case, the whistle-blower lawsuit was originally filed by Juan Pena, a former admissions employee. These lawsuits typically gain steam only when the government joins the case, as in Pena’s lawsuit.

Some former FastTrain students say they are still struggling with student loan debts, and the lawsuit identifies more than 160 former students who are now in default. Those who were attending around the time of the FBI raid can get their loans discharged under a “closed school” provision.

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“Oh my God, Mom, come see this! I got in! I got in! I got accepted to FastTrain!”

The words every parent longs to hear.

Let’s back the Train up here for a second. How could EVERYONE not sense the sham that was happening here?

A. The freaking school is called FAST TRAIN! Are you shitting me, Mr. Amor? Look, I get the fact that you are a scam artist and probably did not have a chance to fully think this through, but this is Marketing 101 (of course, they don’t offer that course at FT). You should have named your institution something a little more subtle like, oh, I don’t know, ‘Grand Fakes University’ or ‘Swindler State’ or even ‘COME GET A ILLEGITIMATE DIPLOMA COLLEGE’. It’s just common sense and a way to stay under the radar of those do-gooders at the FBI.

B. I have been out of college for some time now, but since when do ‘admissions folks’ recruit in neighborhoods? “Waldo, there is a raunchy skankbag at the door who wants to know if you want to go to college.” With that said, if you want to get a 17 year old boy excited about learning, this place’s heart was in the right place. Instead of writing 1000 word essay about how you will change the world, you get a $1000 in change to spend at the on campus Library/Arcade/Whore House. Every man of that age has one thing on their mind when they envision college; girls. The peeps over at the Train were just adding a little Viagra to their efforts. Bravo, I say. In the dog-eat-stripper world of for-profit, phony colleges, you need every advantage possible to stay in the game.

C. Disregard this rant – this happened in Florida. All makes complete sense now.

Anger, Pistoffirishman, Uncategorized

Hey Ma, Read this Study

Most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics, U.S. study finds

By David Beasley

ATLANTA (Reuters) – Contrary to popular opinion, only 10 percent of U.S. adults who drink too much are alcoholics, according to a federal study released on Thursday, a finding that could have implications for reducing consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

While many people think that most, if not all, heavy drinkers are alcoholics, medical specialists have long suspected that belief is incorrect, said Robert Brewer, an author of a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that analyzed self-reported data from 138,100 U.S. adults.

The study found that 90 percent of heavy drinkers fell short of the criteria for alcoholism. Women who have eight or more drinks per week and men who have 15 or more are considered heavy drinkers.

Signs of alcoholism include an inability to stop or reduce drinking, continuing to drink even after it causes problems with family or work, and excessive time spent drinking each day.

Only a third of those who admitted binge drinking 10 or more times in the previous month were alcoholics, the study found. The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single occasion.

Alcoholism was most common among those with annual family incomes of less than $25,000, according to the study.

Heavy drinkers should not cheer the new study’s results, Brewer cautioned.

Drinking too much is unhealthy, killing 88,000 people annually regardless of whether the drinker is an alcoholic, the CDC said. Health effects include breast cancer, liver and heart disease and auto accidents.

“Anybody who takes from this paper that excessive drinking is not dangerous unless you are dependent is simply not getting the message, which is that drinking too much is bad, period,” Brewer said.

That said, it is important to quantify the percentage of alcoholics among heavy drinkers in order to develop effective strategies for reducing alcohol consumption, Brewer said.

For example, alcoholics may require treatment to stop drinking, while non-alcoholics might cut back if alcohol taxes were raised or the number of stores allowed to sell alcohol is reduced, Brewer said.

“The great preponderance of people who are drinking too much are not candidates for specialized treatment but they can be helped in other ways,” Brewer said

Where was this story about 15 years ago when I was getting lectured on how drinking every night in bars at the age of 17 is going to lead me down a terrible path? This new study is going on my fridge and in my wallet, so I can whip it out every time some clown wants to question why I’m having whiskey with my Cheerios. Just because you pass out from time to time in the kids pack n play or down all the scope because you forgot you couldn’t buy beer before 12 on Sunday, doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings every Tuesday night. This study can help everyone out there that thinks they have a problem after waking up next to some 58 year sloth from Goonies looking woman from the Worthen. You just wake up read this study and say, I don’t have a problem, I was just making memories last night. This study is also excellent to read after saying or doing the following stupid shit.

”Ya sure, lets go to Cappy’s Copper Kettle”

”Taco Bell sounds awesome”

“No I didn’t shit myself from drinking, I gambled on a fart and lost”

“I just watched Rain Man..lets go to Foxwoods, pretty sure I can count cards now”

“These mushrooms won’t last that long right”

”Okay let’s play for $100 a hole and I’ll only use my 7 iron”

“We should totally just egg that assholes house”

“Is the Club Diner still open?”

“Im telling you The Blue Moon is classy now”

“Honey, that cable bill is wrong, why would I order ’18 Inch Black Monsters’?”

“Okay 1 more Jameson then I gotta go coach soccer”

“Must have been the Taco Bell last night, thank God this toilet is nice and cold”

“So I took a nap under the pool table….big whoop”

“That’s not an adams apple, she is just Korean”

You can thank me later for this but you start drinking White Zin and going to James Taylor shows, then you have a problem. Other than that you’re just making great stories.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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“Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl. I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80. Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain? Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly. No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh. More pie?”

What’s worse? Afton is a cutie! Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette. The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you. Don’t give up.

I believe in love.

Austin Fontanella, Sports

Who Is Jonas Gray?

If you were watching last night’s game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts you learned; A) The Patriots will always be really good as long as they have that Brady Belichick combo (but chances are you already knew that like many of us Patriots haters do), and B) there is now a guy in the NFL named Jonas Gray.

(I love this gif)

So who is Jonas Gray? Well with the internet at your fingertips you can figure that out quite quickly. Gray is a Notre Dame alum who got his NFL start with my Miami Dolphins. Side note; How do the Patriots keep turning our throw away players into stars?!- If you aren’t a scorned Miami fan you might have forgotten Wes Welker was originally a Dolphin! (deep breaths Austin deep breaths).

Anyway Gray then spent 2013 on the practice squad with the Baltimore Ravens before signing on New England’s practice squad for the 2014 season. On October 16^th he got called up when Stevan Ridley went down with an injury (remember when he was going to be the next big thing). During those three weeks the 24 year old rushed for 131 yards on 32 attempts with no touch downs. That averages out to around four yards per carry which is very respectable even if it’s such a small sample size. To put things into perspective your leading rusher, Demarco Murray, averages around 5 yards every time he touches the ball.

Gray then decided he would have his breakout performance on national television for the whole football world to see. If you missed the game just google the highlights; this Michigan native ran for almost 200 yards and a franchise record four touchdowns. DAM! And that was against a Colts defense that has it flaws, but is right in the middle when it comes to stopping the run.

And the good news continues if you are a Patriots fan. Not that you need any more good news. You’re like that kid who already comes from money, got a perfect score on their SATs and then during their freshman year at Harvard they find out they can throw 95 mph and now they are on the MLB draft boards. Gray may have only played in four games but his two best performances came against teams you WILL see in the playoffs- the Colts and the Broncos.

The position of running back can be compared to a bullpen in baseball. You need one to win, but sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why things work. Some teams have a natural born killer in the backfield; the Seahawks have Marshawn Lynch just like the Yankees had Mariano Rivera. However, most treat the position as a revolving door and hope they can catch fire when it matters most. That’s how it usually works in baseball too; closers can be untouchable one year and then fall into oblivion the next (yea I’m looking at you Boston and still trying to figure out how we didn’t unload Koji Uehara).

That being said I wish Gray a long career because news flash- playing in the NFL is really hard. Just know this Mr. Gray you will now make myself (and countless other non-Patriot supporters) want to pull our hair out as we watch this team of “scrubs” cruise to the AFC championship (and yes I hope that jinxes it).

Uncategorized

Sexually Assaulted with Laughter

Bill Cosby ‘Late Show’ Appearance Canceled After Rape Allegations Resurface

In yet another canceled appearance, Bill Cosby will no longer be on The Late Show next week.

Cosby had been schedule for the Nov. 19 episode, but has been replaced on the schedule with Regis Philbin, to whom host David Letterman has often turned to fill in when a guest cancels.

It is unclear if Cosby or The Late Show canceled the appearance. A rep for The Late Show did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but she told The New York Times she could not “comment on the booking process.”

Cosby has been the center of controversy after allegations he sexually assaulted multiple women resurfaced. In 2006, the comedian settled out of court with a woman who claimed he’d sexually assaulted her. According to court documents, the attorneys planned to bring forward 13 other women with similar allegations. Cosby has denied these allegations.

But the claims resurfaced after critics complained that a new Cosby biography left out the rape allegations. A rant from stand-up comedian Hannibal Buress about the allegations also brought them to the forefront, as well as the news in January that Cosby was reteaming with NBC for a new sitcom.

Cosby recently withdrew from a planned appearance on The Queen Latifah Show, while a meme contest publicized on Cosby’s Twitter account became a platform for his critics to lash out at the comedian over the rape allegations.

When I first read this story I immediately assumed that Cosby was guilty and could see him luring these young actress’ with promises of introducing them to Theo, Cockroach and Dwayne Wayne. Then something in my head said “Wait a minute he hasn’t been convicted of forcing his pudding pop on anyone yet”. How many times have we seen people falsely accused and have their careers ruined. So I am not going to judge one way or the other until I hear all the facts and circumstances. It was the late 80’s and early 90’s for Christ sake, Hell if Bill Cosby offered me a late night drink and a trip to see his sweater lair I’m there in a heart beat. Id get to hear how he came up with the idea of the “pudding pop” after a threesome with Paula Poundstone and Lazer form American Gladiators.

Its probably all a misunderstanding to begin with…..

Maybe these women were cutting his hair at the salon and he had his elbows out to far.

Its possible these incidences all happened during Ghost Dad and Bill thought nobody could see him.

Did he really think he was a Doctor and did breast exams?

Didn’t anyone think that maybe these women are only after his money from Leonard Part 6.

A Umass Amherst student would never do that

Although he did keep saying “I SPY boobies”

Maybe this woman was cleaning his teeth and he had his elbows out to far.

Its always sad when you see these types of allegations finally coming to light when these celebrities are older. Bill Cosby is 78 years old now and Fat albert has been dead from diabetes a long time but these stories need to be heard. Guilty or not its all different now, because when I sit down to watch Cosby now all I’m going to think about is that he assaulted all these actresses with Dizzy Gillespies trumpet. End of an era….

Austin Fontanella

5 New(er) Songs to Add to Your Playlist

Music is one of those weird topics that everyone has an opinion on. From grandma, to that punk down the street to weird Mr. Jones (who lives next door and has way too many cats for person), everyone knows the type of music they like or adamantly don’t.

That being said, I am now going to try and break down the barriers (aka Reagan Smash) this issue and offer five songs you might want to check out- even if it’s only for 10 seconds before you chuck the computer against the wall to make the noises stop.

reagan smash Reagan Smash (Family Guy)

Number One: Prayer in C -Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz

And with this selection you might have just closed the post promising never to return to this god forsaken place every again. But if you stuck around thank you for having an open mind. Don’t ask me why but for the life of me I can not get this song out of my head. Plus even if you don’t like the song the music video is pretty cool… just admit it no one will judge you.

Number Two: Take Me to Church by Hozier

One hit wonder? Most likely. But that doesn’t mean we can’t welcome Mr. Hozier to sit at the same table as Cisco, Meghan Trainor and Lou Bega (Mambo Number 5). The music video is a little intense (and dark) but its music you don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to.

Number Three: Stolen Dance by Milky Chance

For this I had to break out the skinny jeans and dive deep into my inner hipster. Yes, the lyrics are that of a whinny 6th grader who is figuring out “real world” problems for the first time (like why the girl he secretly takes pictures of while collecting her used gum doesn’t like him). But if you can make it to the chorus it’s quite catchy and might serve you well as some background music.

Number Four: Otherside by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Feat. Fences

Ok so this isn’t technically new, but with the internet what really is? Whether you would like to admit it or not Mr. Thrift Shop can actually rap. Just take it all in (like the drugs he is rapping about) and give it a try. Peer pressure still works right?

Number Five (Congrats on making it all the way through): Drinking Class by Lee Brice:

Yea yea yea you hate country I get it. But do you hate freedom? America? Should I report you to the FBI for being a communist? No… ok then take a listen…