Bring on the Hate: 6 Reasons Why College Football is Better than the NFL

With the beloved football season in full swing, I took a moment to compare the virtues of college football versus the National Football League (aka, the ‘NFL’, in case you are having a terribly brain-farty day).  After further review, I have determined that….I can already feel the anger about to come my way….the COLLEGE game is better.

Now, hold on just a second before you get your Cleveland Browns panties twisted into a Cleveland Brown Steamer and let me explain the exception to this hypothesis.  Nothing – not a thing – is better than watching your hometown (lifelong) NFL team…especially when your team has dominated this millennium as our beloved Patriots have done. Tom Brady, Bill Belicheck and Bob Kraft (the Holy Trinity of pro football excellence) have given me more enjoyment and memories in the past 15 years than the birth, first word, first step, first day of school of my three childr...well, lets just say more enjoyment than most things in my life.

Put that fact aside and I’ll give you the rundown of why college is a greater fan football experience than the ‘average’ NFL one…

  1. School Pride/Alumni/History

Unlike the NFL fan, college programs have fans with a true connection tot he team.  They are students, alumni, that follow their school and their team no matter where they live. Forever.  Sally the Smoking-hot sophomore may actually know, have a class with  (or maybe even date/bang?) the starting stud QB from Alabama.  But I am quite certain that Tanya the tubby Taunton Town Clerk has never shared a moment with Rob Gronkowski (despite his erotic novel she likely  ‘Gronks off’ to in the off-season).  That’s a genuine connection versus one that is fabricated based solely on geography.

Which brings me to #2 right out of the gate…

2.  College Co-Eds vs Wish You Had No-Heads

Every major college stadium is loaded with more hot broads than they are with substandard SAT scores.  The SEC, Big Ten, PAC Ten, ACC….every conference is stuffed with more honies than Winnie the Pooh’s 401k.  Packs of Playboy-esque girls, scantily clad and making Mom and Dad proud during every nationally televised week of action…

…like this

this…

and this…

The average NFL stadium is the opposite, by and large, for a number of reasons.  Most of the big NFL markets – New England, Green Bay, Chicago, Buffalo, Philadelphia – also happen to be in cold weather climates, so come Halloween, it gets scary in those stands full of Tanyas.

How about the fact that age average is going to be higher?  That’s a fact.

How about the cost of attending a game is far more?  $30 at a college game gets you a ticket, a 12 pack of Busch Light and a hot dog.  $30 at the NFL gets one of your asscheeks through the turnstile.  Maybe.

3.  Saturday vs Sunday

Yes, the football week has expanded, especially over recent years, but by and large college teams play on Saturdays and the Pros play on Sundays.  Anyone who votes Sunday > Saturday is either a liar, doesn’t work Mondays or is a liar.  This is simple chapter and verse logic.

4.  ESPN College Vs ESPN NFL

(disclaimer, I have come to hate ESPN as a whole but…)

When you rollover on a Sunday morning feeling guilty about missing mass, hungover, wishing you didn’t have to even think about Monday and just have the general disposition of prison bathroom janitor, you have to listen to this bloated, repetitive, needs-new-material, needs-to-retire bastard’s mug in your face

or. kickoff the Saturday morning on College Gameday with this magnificent son of a bitch!

5. And Just a few more reasons to pile on why College Football is Better than the NFL…

More teams.  

More games.  

More upsets.  

More Cinderella stories.  

Better tailgates.  

Better/Older Rivalries, 

Pageantry, 

Mascots, 

Bands, and 

TRADITIONS.

Oh yeah, and its FREAKING COLLEGE, dude!

Lastly…

6.  I’m Sorry Tom Brady

You’re still  the G.O.A.T. , brother!

Welcome to Fast Train, meet your economics Professor, ‘Ivy’

Lawsuit: College used strippers to lure students

MIAMI (AP) — A for-profit Florida college used exotic dancers as admissions officers, falsified documents and coached students to lie on financial forms as it fraudulently obtained millions of dollars in federal money, according to a federal lawsuit filed in Miami.

On at least one of its seven campuses, FastTrain College “purposely hired attractive women and sometimes exotic dancers and encouraged them to dress provocatively while they recruited young men in neighborhoods to attend FastTrain,” according to an ongoing civil lawsuit. The Florida attorney general and the U.S. attorney in Miami announced Wednesday that they were joining the lawsuit against the now-defunct FastTrain and former owner Alejandro Amor, 56.

Amor, of Coral Gables, was criminally indicted in October and faces pending charges of conspiracy and theft of government money. A telephone message left at a listing for Amor wasn’t immediately returned

The complaint says Miami-based FastTrain and Amor bilked the U.S. Department of Education out of millions of dollars with falsified grant applications from at least January 2009 through June 2012, when the school closed after an FBI raid.

The school is accused of falsifying high school diplomas for students who didn’t have them. Because they never graduated from high school, the lawsuit contends the students wouldn’t have qualified for student aid.

To access taxpayer dollars, the school needed first-time students to attend class for at least 30 days. If they didn’t, FastTrain falsified attendance records or backdated the enrollment so they could collect the money quicker, the lawsuit says.

The growth of for-profit colleges, which are governed by private organizations or corporations, has been explosive in Florida and across the country. As the schools have grown, numerous whistle-blower lawsuits have been filed against them by ex-employees. In the FastTrain case, the whistle-blower lawsuit was originally filed by Juan Pena, a former admissions employee. These lawsuits typically gain steam only when the government joins the case, as in Pena’s lawsuit.

Some former FastTrain students say they are still struggling with student loan debts, and the lawsuit identifies more than 160 former students who are now in default. Those who were attending around the time of the FBI raid can get their loans discharged under a “closed school” provision.

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“Oh my God, Mom, come see this! I got in!  I got in! I got accepted to FastTrain!”

The words every parent longs to hear.

Let’s back the Train up here for a second.  How could EVERYONE not sense the sham that was happening here?

A.  The freaking school is called FAST TRAIN!  Are you shitting me, Mr. Amor?  Look, I get the fact that you are a scam artist and probably did not have a chance to fully think this through, but this is Marketing 101 (of course, they don’t offer that course at FT).  You should have named your institution something a little more subtle like, oh, I don’t know, ‘Grand Fakes University’ or ‘Swindler State’ or even ‘COME GET A ILLEGITIMATE DIPLOMA COLLEGE’.  It’s just common sense and a way to stay under the radar of those do-gooders at the FBI.

B.  I have been out of college for some time now, but since when do ‘admissions folks’ recruit in neighborhoods?  “Waldo, there is a raunchy skankbag at the door who wants to know if you want to go to college.”  With that said, if you want to get a 17 year old boy excited about learning, this place’s heart was in the right place.  Instead of writing 1000 word essay about how you will change the world, you get a $1000 in change to spend at the on campus Library/Arcade/Whore House.  Every man of that age has one thing on their mind when they envision college; girls.  The peeps over at the Train were just adding a little Viagra to their efforts.  Bravo, I say.  In the dog-eat-stripper world of for-profit, phony colleges, you need every advantage possible to stay in the game.

C.  Disregard this rant –  this happened in Florida.  All makes complete sense now.