Category: Uncategorized

Confession: I have an addiction that I’ve carried for 20 years.  Like most people I got hooked in High School,  My friends were all doing it and encouraged me to try it, I didn’t want to be the only one not doing it so I gave it a shot.  Let me tell you I loved it, it was exhilarating. Like most addictions I thought I had everything under control and I could handle it. But within a couple of years my addiction had doubled then tripled. It seemed like all my money was being poured into this habit and inevitably I grew to hate it and myself a little bit.  I saw other people drop the addiction and up until 2 weeks ago I never thought I could be one of those people, doomed to live with it until I died. But it’s been 2 weeks free & clear now, and the sun shine is brighter, the air smells cleaner, & food tastes better.  The temptation is always there especially now that it’s easier than ever to get it, but I remain strong.     My name is Handsfactor and I’m a recovering Fantsy Football addict.

This is the first time since 1995 I haven’t played Fantasy and I highly recommend it.  The first time since Clinton was in office,having Monica Hoover his Arkansas Razorback, that the only Football games I’ve cared about are the Pats & whatever wagers I happen to have going.  I no longer care that Chicago’s kicker hit a 52 yard FG, so that gives me an extra bonus point. In fact I don’t even know who the Bears kicker is! A fact that would have been I fathomable to me a couple of years ago.

Besides you know Fantsy Football has jumped the shark when the 50 year old mother of 3 is talking about how she was excited that Jamaal Charles fell to her at the #3 pick.  Much like Facebook if it’s something my wife’s grandmother is doing then it’s probably not cool anymore.  Football Sunday’s are supposed to be wonderful, you eat bad food, day drink on a Sunday afternoon and lie around the house for anywhere from 3 – 10 hours, and it’s perfectly acceptable.  So why taint such a glorious experience by having your mood ruined because Kenny Britt only had 48 yards receiving when you needed him to have 50+?  The only time I want to be upset after watching football on a Sunday is because someone didn’t cover the spread, and then I’m not even that mad because I can just double up my Monday Night bet & win it back  (It’s not like I’m going to lose 2 in a row!)  So now that I’ve kicked my addiction, my life can best be summed up by quoting the noted 20th Century Philosopher, Pipes Slattery, “My only vices are Drinking, Drugs & Black Women!”

Alright I know, I haven’t posted in quiet a bit but tSohings happen in the summer that you can’t control. Between the working 2 jobs, a couple vacations, screaming kids, buying a new house, golf, drinking and more drinking its not exactly easy to get to a computer screen to type out some shit. So where do I start, do I bitch about Deflategate, Espn, start of the NFL season, ISIS, Donald Trump, or the fact that Bruce Jenner still has a cock.  So since I am way behind on a lot of this crap that people seem to care about I figure I will just hammer out my nonsense opinion and hopefully only offend half of you people.

• Espn is aweful, we all know this but trying to find Fox Sports 1 on my cable guide is like trying to find One Eyed Willies Treasure. Yeah I am sure it exisits but finding it, I need a rag tag group of kids, a deformed super freak, and at least 2 BMXs. I don’t have that kinda time.
• Deflategate….Please, all these assholes in the league are pissed that Brady told them to study the rule book. Did he know about the balls pressure, or order the code red. YOUR GOD DAMN RIGHT HE DID. He has a greater responsibility then you can possible fathom. You weep for Baltimore, and you curse the Patriots, You have that luxury. You have that luxury of knowing that the Colts and Ravens losing sucked for their fan base but probably saved lives. Brady’s existence while awesome and unbelievable saves Patriots fans lives. You don’t want to talk about the 4 Superbowls because deep down in places you don’t talk about Brady’s 4 rings, but you need him on that wall, you want him on that wall NFL. The Patriots use words like honor, code, loyalty. The NFL uses these words as a punchline.  The Patriots don’t have the time or inclination to explain themselves to the other shitty teams, make them millions and then have them question the manner in which New England did so. Brady would rather the NFL say thank you and went on their way. Either way The New England Patriots and Tom Brady don’t give a damn what you think!!!!
• If your at the Beach and your playing paddle ball with someone who doesn’t know how to play paddle ball then your not playing paddle ball. This also applies to Frisbee.
• Stop giving Bruce Jenner credit for playing dress up. Until he cuts it off, he is just doing what the show “The Kids in the Hall” did for a decade.
• If you fart and then pause to see if you shit yourself, then you shit yourself
• Moving to a new house is a lot like getting a colonoscopy. You cry a little bit, Everyone is up your ass about every little thing, you wake up sore in the morning, and its a life changing experience.
• It was a hot summer but every time some asshole tried to rationalize it by saying “we deserve it after the winter we had” a Angel was caught jerking off by Jesus.
• Donald Trump is like a drunk uncle, everybody loves him but nobody takes him serious. We all just say “oh don’t mind him he is harmless, just get him some Dewars on the rocks”.
• Pringles are not chips, they are crackers because they come in a sleeve
• Camping for people that own a house is like role playing being homeless
• I figure you aren’t rich until you have and use a bathrobe on a constant basis
• Why there isn’t a sequel to the movie “Let it Ride” is beyond me
• I believe every office should have some kind of Time Out system where you can tell whoever you want to go fuck themselves then spend 10 mins in the corner until you have to lie and apologize
• Why isn’t there a Gold bond station on the golf course?
• If your a single guy and don’t go the dog route. Here is the scale according to women. Having a kitten makes you cute, a cat is kinda creepy, bunny is a ticking time bomb to domestic violence and multiple cats is a serial killer. So get a puppy and save lives.
• If you want to go to a Red Sox game you should have to check your phone at the gate. All these fucking James Taylor loving, multiple degree having, satchel wearing, proper English speaking, robe wearing fuck faces need to pay attention at the game. Stop bitching about the dental bill you have to pay because you were looking at face book to see when Muffy was having a Newburyport social to support Cat lovers. You paid $300 for the god damn ticket, pay attention, and stop yelling about getting a net. Take it from someone who got hit with a foul ball from Mike Greenwell when I was 10 years old. My Dad didn’t make the play, nor did I, it went off my face, almost broke my cheekbone. Bounced off my face 5 rows away, only reason I got the ball was because the crowd chanted “give the kid the ball”. I ended up getting the ball signed by Greenwell too. The prick signed it “nice catch”, you believe that shit. He put nice catch in quotes. What a dick. Ellis Burks was always better anyway.
• I need a Hammock for reasons I can’t explain
• Any time somebody asks me for specific vodka when I work I always give them Poland Springs vodka, fuck them they have no idea.

Couple weeks late here but a subject near and dear to my heart….

Props to Frank for re-sharing the informative post regarding the Irish Exit- one of my most notorious and highly overused party tricks. (If you didn’t catch it you can read it here) https://canibefrankandcrew.com/2015/07/09/the-irish-perf-exit/
  
However, unbeknownst to some people, the Irish also invented another social faux pas- one that I happen to perform usually as just prior to the Irish Exit, and this my friends is the almighty IRISH WHISPER. This would be the art of thinking you are quietly saying something to the person sitting next to you, usually regarding someone/something within ear shot- but in reality you are actually quite audible. This is usually partnered with either a beer in hand or a nice glowing wine buzz. 

So before you decide to talk about the guy at works’ divorce as he’s sitting with collegues just one table over, remember this helpful anagram: 

B- Boisterous. Be sure to keep your voice low enough that you cannot hear what you’re saying. Having the person you’re speaking to say, “what?” Is much easier than having to wave at the person who just heard you say their name. Am I being to boisterous right now?

E- Ease. Slowly ease into the whisper by first checking to make sure you are in far enough away ear shot. Then proceed with your gossip.

E- Eavesdropping. Don’t let someone close by be able to hear you. They may have an Irish whisper as well, and might not know this handy anagram.

R- Run like hell. Irish exit. Irish goodbye. If all else fails, sidesaddle your way towards the door and pretend you were never there. 

BEER. Excellent! Now that everyone is ready for the weekend, get out there and get your smack talking game faces on! 

We lost our friend Peter.

I never really knew Peter until about 10 years ago when he was hired at my company.  I knew his family.  I knew who he was.  But I did not “know” him.  At first I was a bit intimidated by Peter.  He was a seasoned executive.  Confident, calm and certain of himself, Peter was a serious businessman and I was not sure how we would mesh?

Very quickly I discovered this man would become much more than a co-worker, but one of the best men I have ever known.

During this period, my family was going through a very difficult time and I was distracted personally to say the least.  As I attempted to separate work from home, Peter was the person I was spending most of my time with and, naturally, he learned all about my life.  What Peter did not know was that he was quickly becoming my soundboard whether he liked it or not.  What I did not know, but quickly learned, was the incredible character and compassion that this ‘stranger’ possessed and just how much he would help me during these tough times.  I can only pray he knew that?

While too young to be my father and too old to be my brother, Peter and I shared a special bond.  Our friendship was extremely unique.  He could give me smart advice like my Dad, but also make an inappropriate joke like a best buddy.  Our friendship was perfect.

Also, during these early days with Peter, I uncovered his incredible generosity.  Peter’s generous and giving spirit was on display each day I was with him.  Peter was generous in every sense of the word; generous with his kindness, generous with time, generous with his knowledge, and certainly generous with his wallet.  As a very proud father of four himself, Peter knew I was being challenged at that time and needed a lot of help to get through it, and treated me like a son.

As we grew closer and spent many great times together, it was clear that Peter loved talking about one subject more than any other; his family.  Not just his wife of more than 30 years and their incredible children, but his brothers, sisters, his Mom and Dad.  I often would mock him when he would start to tell a story I had already heard by cutting him off and finishing it for him.  He loved the ribbing.

Many may not realize but Peter was a sentimental and emotional guy too.  Despite the macho, ‘team-Captain’ persona he gave off, he was a softy deep down.  After a bad day or a difficult situation I would frequently receive an encouraging note or text always ending with…

“Luv ya, P.”

Those little reassurances let me know he was in my corner no matter what, and I will never forget that.

Over the coming days (weeks, months and years) I am confident you will hear similar stories and memories of Peter.  I sincerely hope his legacy lives on with these stories because if Peter knew about anything in this world, it was how to be loyal.  Loyal husband, dad, son, brother and friend.

I just hope he knew I was always in his corner too?

Thank you for everything, my friend.

Rest easy.  

‘Luv ya’ too buddy