Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Any way you look at it…. These guys really do Suck

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   So after this abortion of a winter all you really want to do is play a little golf, cook on the grill and watch the sox have a good season. Well, you can cancel that third option. I kept telling myself “you know its still early” “these guys can’t be that bad” “Once the cocaine and HGH shows up they will be fine” and yet nothing. I don’t know why we even thought they would be any good in the first place. We always preach -Defense and pitching wins championships. So what does the scarecrow of an owner do? Tells his people to buy the fat asian 3rd baseman, and anyone at Canobie Lake Park that hits 82mph on the fast pitch game.

     The manager is terrible, the GM has Luccinos hand up his ass like a sock puppet, and ownership is trying to sell this team to us as hard as a Duggar kid going through puberty at a family reunion. Come clean you bunch of jack wagons and admit that its over. Its that time where we as a fan base have to have a intervention and tell the owners. Guys….Papi is all done, Hanley needs a new set of needles, Panda put the sandwich down..and the other one (as skittles fall out of his pocket), Pitching staff you all need to take a lap around Blue Hill Ave at midnight. So what should we do now that we have come to this epiphany that the season is over on June 5th.

– Drink some alcoholic root beer and play re-leav-eo like your 9yr olds (no guarding ghouls dick)

– Go up to Happy Hampton Beach and count teeth

– Play MFK with Caitlynn Jenner, Lois Einhorn, or a male Flourist

-Try to grill without a beer in your hand (impossible)

-Hit up Johnny Sabaego and do some jet skiing

-Go see the Entourage Movie and then walk in front of a bus

-Supe up the honda pilot with a nice spoiler and show it off at car wash on Friday nights

-Return all the Heineken bottles after the Asian water festival and by a house in the Hamptons

-Actually buy a ticket to an actual gun show

-Go to Browns for breakfast, lunch and dinner

-Boxhockey, CanJam, Polish Horseshoes, or Irish Horseshoes (just sit, drink and curse the pope)

    So those are my summer plans since baseball is out already. It could always be worse, we could live in Cleveland.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Why am I so pissed off this week?

Not sure what has a hold of me this week, but I am just angry.  Could be the pollen count is like 9 million (I dont even know if thats possible so piss off…I am not Harvey Fucking Leonard!  See what I mean?).  Could be that our entire region’s “boyfriend” Touchdown Tommy is being unfairly punished and criticized.  Could be I just hate everyone.  Yes, you too.

Whatever the case I decided the most therapeutic way – except for exercise, alcohol {I am lying, thats always part of my regiment}, yoga or talk therapy –  to deal with this unforeseen steam is to expunge the demons with this blog.  Identify each and everything that annoyed the shit out of me in recent days and let it out, drop the blood pressure to acceptably high range and allow me to move on living a life of religious and spiritual harmony.

Namaste.

Nope – that shit is stupid and I still dont’ feel any better….on to the Airing of Grievances

While I can not pinpoint one major thing….I have a list of several little ones for sure

Ted Wells.  Your 243 page report on Deflategate is flawed and biased, jack wagon.  Your mustache looks like the work of a 3 year old child with a Sharpie.  You, sir, suck.  Here is a quick  excerpt from the 1 Page McCabe Report: Fuck you.

 

  • The Match.com guy.  “Excuse me, Mr Level 3 Sex Offender, do I know you?   You are creeping out Manhattan, chief.  Can you back the hell off and give me some personal space?  If I ever decided to use a dating site/rape invitation service, you just gave me the final reason why I won’t.  Get back to the bushes with your binoculars, dbag.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • This guy.  This is Matt.  Matt is my brother-in-law.  In truth, he is (or was) one of the all-time greats as far as BILs are considered… UNTIL recently.  Matt was always 1st in line for a good time and excessive indulgance – food, booze, TV watching, laziness, whatever – and the ultimate fat Dad wingman for yours truly.  However, in recent weeks Matt turned his back on me and our whole way of life.  Matt started dieting, exercising, drinking less (sorta).  But this week Matt crossed the line.  He went to one of the premiere steak houses in the country and ordered….wait for it…..sea bass.  Effing Sea Bass!  Right?  Enough said.  Go to Vegan hell Matt.  I hate you.

  • Passwords.  Why does every Goddamn thing is this cyber-secure earth require a password!?  I could not remember one this week and I absolutely blew a gasket.  Screaming at an inanimate object like it was going to answer me.  Is it my kids birthdays? Is it our dead fish’s name?  Is it ‘Nipple’?  Nope.  Never got it figured out and I am still off the reservation about it.

 

  • My Son.  What?  Why?  Who?  How could you possibly?  Outrage!  Yeah, well Jr turns 12 this week and without getting graphic, I actually think he has surpassed me in the ‘manhood’ department if you know what I mean?  We were ‘crossing the streams’ the other morning and well….too painful to continue.  (not so) Little bastard.

 

Boston Sports.  Nothing but bad news around these parts right now.  Besides TB12 getting emasculated by the media; the Sox suck, the Celts and Bruins are on the golf course during playoff season.  Nothing to watch this week.  I actaully tuned in to the freakin NY Ranger game last night.  Lord, forgive me.

I am sure there is a whole bunch of other things the world did to me to bring out the Flabby Hulk but I think this little rant has done the trick to quell my rage.  Well, no not really.  Still kinda want to kick some stuff.

 

Uncategorized

Buddy…Bro….Guy…Man…. Not anymore Dude!

Former Olympic champion Bruce Jenner says that “for all intents and purposes, I am a woman.”

Jenner spoke in a long-awaited interview televised Friday with ABC’s Diane Sawyer about his gender identity, saying he has always been confused about it. Early in the interview, Jenner took out his ponytail to let his long hair flow behind him.

“My brain is more female than it is male,” said Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion who has been better known in recent years as part of television’s omnipresent Kardashian family.

Jenner said he hopes that speaking publicly about the gender issues would do some good in the world and vigorously denied that the interview was some sort of publicity stunt to promote the Kardashian reality TV show.

Jenner said he self-identifies as “her,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “he” and “him,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the transgender community.As a young boy, Jenner felt an urge to try on his mother’s and sister’s dresses.

“I didn’t know why I was doing it,” he said. “It just made me feel good.”

Jenner said he told his first two wives about the gender confusion, and it was a factor in the breakup of his second marriage. During the 1980s, he began taking hormones, had surgery to make his nose smaller and was having hair removed from his face and chest.

Jenner said he has never been sexually attracted to men, and he wanted to make clear to viewers that gender identity and sexuality were separate things.

“I am not gay,” Jenner said. “I am, as far as I know, heterosexual. I’ve always been with a woman, raising kids.”

Jenner said he’s gone back to say he was sorry to people in his life hurt by the gender identity issues.

“I’ve apologized to everybody,” Jenner said. “I’ve apologized my whole life.”

He fought back tears and reached for a tissue before the interview even began. Jenner said it was hard to talk about gender issues because of concerns about disappointing people.

Okay haven’t really wrote anything in awhile and I apologize for that. I have had a busy schedule involving children, vacation, booze and roasting some asshole, that took all my energy away from this wonderful blog. So what have I missed, the sox season has kicked off, Bruins threw up on themselves to get to the first tee, and the Celtics just got a beat down like they were in Baltimore police custody. Other stories have come by my desk and I haven’t really wanted to put anything out there. Until Bruce Jenner finally came out as transgender. Who would have thought this gold medal winning Olympian would be hiding that he is really a woman on the inside. Vegas must have really took a hit on this because in that family there was heavy money on Khloe Kardashian having a bigger dick then Shaq.

Now I know that you all expect me to blast him or her with this isn’t how people should live there lives bullshit. Guess what….Who gives a fuck. If somebody wants to dress like a woman, have at it. Shave your adams apple, cut off your boys and shop at the Christmas tree shop for all I care. Hell if I was married to that pile of makeup and OJ seman they call Kris Kardashian I would wear a pink tutu and tell people I was Winston Churchill to get out of it. The best part of this thing is that Kim Kardashian has come out fully supporting Bruce and his transition. Thank god, I’m sure the whole time he was thinking of going public he was worried if his second rate porn star step daughter had his back (just like Ray J did). The only thing worth less then Kim Kardashians opinion is real estate in Nepal. So Bruce Jenner my advice is live your life the way you want buddy, or honey, whatever.

To help your transition here’s some pick up lines you can try on the ladies

“Anyone wanna scissor fight with an Olympian”

“Why don’t we make like my penis and take off”

“It is true what they say about women with big hands, huge vagina”

“I love your shoes do they come in 16s”

“I used to be on the Wheaties box, how about now I get on your box”

“You want to go back to my place and throw the discus”

“Bill Cosby drugged me too, but just to win Battle of Network stars”

“If you play your cards right you can see the Olympic rings I shaved in my back hair”

“Don’t you just love this black dress, I got it from Blaze from American Gladiators”

“Hey dick or no dick who doesn’t want to fuck me with this hair”

“You know what, why don’t you follow me home to be safe”

Uncategorized

Honey, I joined One Direction

Well, if you have not already heard (weirdo), than you know that Zayne Malik from One Direction has left.the.band.  After a 5 year historic run by this British Boy band, Mr. Malik has decided he is too good for Harry Styles and the Lads.

Bad move, Z…bad move.

I have been watching you and learning for years.  I know your moves.  I know the mojo.  I know how you operate, sucka.  And now is MY time – MY TIME – to capitalize.

Sure, I am twice your age.

Correct, I can’t sing.

Yes, I don’t have the incredible hair you all magically possess.

But what I do have, fellas, is desire.  I have been around, ya know?  I have been through hell and back.  I haven’t been eating tea and drinking crumpets my whole life.  No no.  So, you have no choice but to interview me as the next member of the ‘Direction.  Deal with it.

Now, before I pound my chest much more I realize a painful truth that you limies need to recognize.  I am a 40 year old married, father of three that lives in Massachusetts.  Nonetheless, no one is stomping on my dreams…..

http://dailypicksandflicks.com/2013/12/08/snl-1-one-direction-fan-in-one-direction-concert-line-video/

That stated, I started playing out the phone call to my wife when I decide to make the leap and simply GO FOR IT.  Little summin like this….and this is where my dream ends….

(ring ring)

Wife: Hello

@5direction: Hey, its me’

Wife:  Where are you?  Still at work?  Its getting late…

@5direction: Heathrow

Wife: Huh?  What are you talking about?  I have 2 kids in the tub and the other is…

@5direction: Heathrow Airport.  England.

Wife:  I don’t have time for this shit Frank.  I need you to stop at store and grab us…

@5direction:  Hon, I am not joking.  I grabbed a flight this morning’

Wife:  What?

@5direction:  Just listen for one second.  Zayne quit.

Wife:  What are you talking about?  Who the hell is Zayne?

@5direction:  Zayne!  From One Direction.

Wife:  One Direction?  The band?  What the hell do you mean?  What is wrong with you?  Are you drunk?

@5direction:  No, I am NOT drunk.  I have never felt better in my life.  Honey, I am trying out to be the next member of One Direction.

Wife:  Frank, I don’t have time for this f*(&^% crap, just get home.  NOW!

@5direction:  Babe, I am not kidding.  This is my dream and I can’t let you get in the way.  Tell the kids I love them and maybe I will see them when we hit the tour in the States in the Fall.  If you really step back, this is the best thing that could ever…

Wife:  Stop idiot.  Come home now or I will cut your….

@5direction:  Ok.

Here endeth the dream….

Uncategorized

God Bless my witty Facebook friends.

 


I feel bad for folks that aren’t on Facebook on days like today.  They’ll never know what it is like to start your day with 300 posts of clever observational comedy…like snap shots of their backyard snowscape with a witty comments, “Can’t believe spring is here…not!” Or “Love this snowy spring weather…SAID NOBODY EVER!”  These people are the super unleaded that makes Facebook go.  I can’t imagine getting through the day without it.