Category: Uncategorized

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Grain Alcohol & Violin Making? Makes sense…

ANNAPOLIS, Md. (AP) — Binge drinkers and frat boys aren’t the only ones despairing over Maryland’s new ban on grain alcohol: Violin makers who used the liquor to make varnish are also affected.

Silver Spring violin maker Howard Needham tells The Washington Post (http://wapo.st/1sVB1y0) that nothing works better than Everclear grain alcohol for making the varnishes he uses to repair chipped or broken musical instruments. He’s been hoarding whatever grain alcohol he can get his hands on since the ban took effect last month.

Other violin makers report similar concerns.

Maryland became one of several states to ban sales of alcohol at 190 proof or higher. Leaders at Maryland’s colleges and universities supported the ban, saying students abused grain alcohol as a cheap way to get drunk.

Information from: The Washington Post, http://www.washingtonpost.com

Kool Aid.  Fruit Punch.  Lemonade.  Sure, all of those mix pretty damn nice with a little moonshine.  But violin making?  Come on dude!  I am sorry, Mr. Needham (if thats even your real name?) but today I am calling you out on your bullshit.  I have never heard such a terrible reason to deny you simply want to get black-out, white-girl wasted in my life.  This lie ranks up there with ‘the dog ate my homework’, ‘Eskimos are real people’ and ‘smoking is bad for you’.  Simply not true.

Let me tell you what I think is really going down here.  Ol’ Howie Needham was sick of his wife’s constant yapping and decided to turn it up a notch.  Mrs. Needham is probably one of those crazy, controlling broads that won’t let hubby suck down a 12 pack on a Sunday afternoon after cutting the lawn.  What is a man to do?  Exactly.  Tell the old lady you have taken up “violin making” so he can secretly get Keith Richards-wrecked in the garage?  I get it, man.  Well played.  Tell that ball and chain anything you need to so you can drink yourself blind on Everclear, but please don’t whine to the press and try to sell it to the American public you brilliant degenerate maniac.

Uncategorized

How about Washington Cranky Pants?

lo

        Apparently the Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder doesn’t think there is anything disrespectful about his teams’ nickname. Snyder you need to smarten up bub, you’re about as up to date as my health records. You really need to be looking at the big picture here to capitalize on this opportunity. You can change the name to anything you want which leads to everyone who is a fan of your crap team has to buy all new shirts, hats, and the rest of the overpriced garbage. Never mind the fact that the logo is pretty much a slap in the face to all 120 American Indians left in the country and that’s only counting half of Jacoby Ellsbury. This is also your chance to piss off every other team in every sport that is remotely close to making somebody shed a tear like that trash hating Indian guy from the 80’s. For starters you can go after teams in your own league.  You can go after the Oakland Raiders and the Kansas City Chiefs and that’s just the Indian Community. Look at the Denver Broncos, that name is disparaging to numerous Americans as well. I think John Elway, Shannon Sharpe, Nancy Kerrigan, Kanye West and the rest of the horse toothed people would get behind that name change.  I’m sure you can talk to Andre’s relatives and Khloe Kardashian about having them help you change the NY Giants. The NFL is just the tip of the ice berg my friend.

     There are a ton of team names that insult someone of a certain race, creed and background.  I will just rattle a few off my head, Cleveland Indians-Indians, Minnesota Vikings –blondes, Alabama Crimson Tide- women, Green Bay Packers- my uncles husband, Washington Wizards – David Copperfield,  New York Yankees – Pee wee Herman, and Notre Dame Fighting Irish. The last one hits home really hard making me cry to sleep at night. You think I’m happy about the Notre Dame fighting Irish? Ohhhh so all Irish guys drink whisky and then want to fight about stupid issues. First off I haven’t had whisky in over 4 hours and I haven’t had a stupid fight in 7 hours (You know Mo Vaughn is better than Jim Rice goddamn it DAD). Yes Irish people drink and fight but just as much as everyone else.  I don’t plan on having anything to drink until at least noon today, unless you’re buying or its Friday. The ND logo also wants to suggest that the Irish all should be short and have red beards. I mean besides my legal midget pal Tobin most of my Irish friends and family are of average height.  Forget about my beard, it has more of a Tom Hanks-Philadelphia- AIDS vibe to it than the leprechaun look. You all know I love ND just as much as the next guy (no tattoo or anything) but all stereotype logos are wrong and need to be changed immediately. Seriously and if you don’t agree with my point of view then you should be thrown in the stupid loud drunken asshole Irish vehicle, oh right I mean the PADDY WAGON.

Anger, Pistoffirishman, Uncategorized

When’s Rhinoceros week?

image

So it’s Shark Week again, that special time of year when you tune into The Discovery Channel in hopes of seeing some clown with a creepy accent get his leg bitten off. I’m with you guys, I am all for people with creepy accents being chomped to pieces. Shark Week is just like a NASCAR race, you are really only watching hoping for an accident (insert Tony Stewart joke here). Without the gore its boring and it’s been covered  – big, little, flying, mechanical, hammer, tiger, prehistoric, cold blooded, pool and card sharks. Hell, they now have a God damn late night talk show “Shark Week Live” where some Troy McClure guy talks about his unnatural love of sharks. Unless your showing me live footage of Hooper riding Jaws while swallowing up that whale Khloe Khardasian on the Hamptons, I’ve kinda checked out.

What’s the next animal that should have its own week dedicated to nonstop coverage? How bout a modern day fucking Dinosaur unicorn that is covered in armor! I know what your thinking “I know nothing of this animal”?  Ya no shit me neither. It’s the Rhinoceros you jack wagons. I do know how to escape bears, elephants,sharks, deer ticks, and Sasquatch but a rhino comes at me I’m more dead then Mrs. Doubtfire 2. A gun won’t do it, the thing is armor plated which is stronger then Robin Williams belt (over quota on suicide jokes?). You can try running away but the thing is faster then my brother through a 30 pack of Budweiser.

Rhinos get a bad rap too because we only see the old ones in the zoo, but the Rhinos in the bush are plotting away. Those mother-fuckers just sitting there talking to each other about the best way to spear a tourist is through the fanny pack. The only thing more awkward then running into a pissed off Rhino late at night is Thanksgiving Dinner after we have the “alcoholism is on both sides of the family” discussion at my parents. So think of the ways Shark Week has helped you avoid getting bitten, punch it in the nose, magnets, play dead, Tackleberrys .357 magnum, and remember none of those moves will help you when that modern day Dinosaur puts its horn right up your ass.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Making JAWS funnier…

image

All Shark Week banter coming at ya over the next few days!

Stumbled across this one. Below is a relatively clever play on words utilizing the actual script of JAWS but replacing the word “shark” in any given line with “Jimmy Page“.

No disrespect to Led Zeppelin, but are you shitting me? Disappointing…like the prom and my actual life

“Understand you’re having a little Jimmy Page trouble.”

“Don’t know what that bastard Jimmy Page’s gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose.”

“So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The Jimmy Page took the rest, June 29, 1945.”

“You see a barracuda, everyone says, ‘Huh? What?’ You yell ‘Jimmy Page,’ we’ve got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July.”

“Why don’t we have one more drink and go down there and cut that Jimmy Page open?”

“All this machine does is swim and eat and make little Jimmy Pages.”

“In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer Jimmy Page.”

“And the idea was, Jimmy Page comes to the nearest man, that man, he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’, sometime’s the Jimmy Page go away, sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometime’s that Jimmy Page he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. And another thing about Jimmy Page. He’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites you.”

“I’m not saying that this is not Jimmy Page. It probably is, Martin. It probably is.”

“You go inside the cage, cage goes into the water, you go in the water, Jimmy Page in the water; our Jimmy Page?”

——————————————————————————————————————————-

High hopes that were just not met…like the prom or my real life (damnit, this hurts when I really think about it).

Point being is I love this idea for a funny game (likely a drinking game) but couldn’t you have done better than “Jimmy Page”?

I have some submissions that I believe make this more clever….

Replace the word ‘shark(s)’ with….

– Clown
– Meth/Meth heads
– Midget
– Smurf
– Circus Freak
– NAZI
– Carson Daly
– Pubic Lice

Give it a shot.

What do you got?  I know you can all do better as well?

BONUS FOOTAGE: JAWS in 30 seconds via cartoon bunnies, http://www.angryalien.com/0804/jawsbunnies.asp