When’s Rhinoceros week?

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So it’s Shark Week again, that special time of year when you tune into The Discovery Channel in hopes of seeing some clown with a creepy accent get his leg bitten off. I’m with you guys, I am all for people with creepy accents being chomped to pieces. Shark Week is just like a NASCAR race, you are really only watching hoping for an accident (insert Tony Stewart joke here). Without the gore its boring and it’s been covered  – big, little, flying, mechanical, hammer, tiger, prehistoric, cold blooded, pool and card sharks. Hell, they now have a God damn late night talk show “Shark Week Live” where some Troy McClure guy talks about his unnatural love of sharks. Unless your showing me live footage of Hooper riding Jaws while swallowing up that whale Khloe Khardasian on the Hamptons, I’ve kinda checked out.

What’s the next animal that should have its own week dedicated to nonstop coverage? How bout a modern day fucking Dinosaur unicorn that is covered in armor! I know what your thinking “I know nothing of this animal”?  Ya no shit me neither. It’s the Rhinoceros you jack wagons. I do know how to escape bears, elephants,sharks, deer ticks, and Sasquatch but a rhino comes at me I’m more dead then Mrs. Doubtfire 2. A gun won’t do it, the thing is armor plated which is stronger then Robin Williams belt (over quota on suicide jokes?). You can try running away but the thing is faster then my brother through a 30 pack of Budweiser.

Rhinos get a bad rap too because we only see the old ones in the zoo, but the Rhinos in the bush are plotting away. Those mother-fuckers just sitting there talking to each other about the best way to spear a tourist is through the fanny pack. The only thing more awkward then running into a pissed off Rhino late at night is Thanksgiving Dinner after we have the “alcoholism is on both sides of the family” discussion at my parents. So think of the ways Shark Week has helped you avoid getting bitten, punch it in the nose, magnets, play dead, Tackleberrys .357 magnum, and remember none of those moves will help you when that modern day Dinosaur puts its horn right up your ass.

Making JAWS funnier…

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All Shark Week banter coming at ya over the next few days!

Stumbled across this one. Below is a relatively clever play on words utilizing the actual script of JAWS but replacing the word “shark” in any given line with “Jimmy Page“.

No disrespect to Led Zeppelin, but are you shitting me? Disappointing…like the prom and my actual life

“Understand you’re having a little Jimmy Page trouble.”

“Don’t know what that bastard Jimmy Page’s gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose.”

“So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The Jimmy Page took the rest, June 29, 1945.”

“You see a barracuda, everyone says, ‘Huh? What?’ You yell ‘Jimmy Page,’ we’ve got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July.”

“Why don’t we have one more drink and go down there and cut that Jimmy Page open?”

“All this machine does is swim and eat and make little Jimmy Pages.”

“In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer Jimmy Page.”

“And the idea was, Jimmy Page comes to the nearest man, that man, he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’, sometime’s the Jimmy Page go away, sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometime’s that Jimmy Page he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. And another thing about Jimmy Page. He’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites you.”

“I’m not saying that this is not Jimmy Page. It probably is, Martin. It probably is.”

“You go inside the cage, cage goes into the water, you go in the water, Jimmy Page in the water; our Jimmy Page?”

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High hopes that were just not met…like the prom or my real life (damnit, this hurts when I really think about it).

Point being is I love this idea for a funny game (likely a drinking game) but couldn’t you have done better than “Jimmy Page”?

I have some submissions that I believe make this more clever….

Replace the word ‘shark(s)’ with….

– Clown
– Meth/Meth heads
– Midget
– Smurf
– Circus Freak
– NAZI
– Carson Daly
– Pubic Lice

Give it a shot.

What do you got?  I know you can all do better as well?

BONUS FOOTAGE: JAWS in 30 seconds via cartoon bunnies, http://www.angryalien.com/0804/jawsbunnies.asp