So it’s Shark Week again, that special time of year when you tune into The Discovery Channel in hopes of seeing some clown with a creepy accent get his leg bitten off. I’m with you guys, I am all for people with creepy accents being chomped to pieces. Shark Week is just like a NASCAR race, you are really only watching hoping for an accident (insert Tony Stewart joke here). Without the gore its boring and it’s been covered – big, little, flying, mechanical, hammer, tiger, prehistoric, cold blooded, pool and card sharks. Hell, they now have a God damn late night talk show “Shark Week Live” where some Troy McClure guy talks about his unnatural love of sharks. Unless your showing me live footage of Hooper riding Jaws while swallowing up that whale Khloe Khardasian on the Hamptons, I’ve kinda checked out.
What’s the next animal that should have its own week dedicated to nonstop coverage? How bout a modern day fucking Dinosaur unicorn that is covered in armor! I know what your thinking “I know nothing of this animal”? Ya no shit me neither. It’s the Rhinoceros you jack wagons. I do know how to escape bears, elephants,sharks, deer ticks, and Sasquatch but a rhino comes at me I’m more dead then Mrs. Doubtfire 2. A gun won’t do it, the thing is armor plated which is stronger then Robin Williams belt (over quota on suicide jokes?). You can try running away but the thing is faster then my brother through a 30 pack of Budweiser.
Rhinos get a bad rap too because we only see the old ones in the zoo, but the Rhinos in the bush are plotting away. Those mother-fuckers just sitting there talking to each other about the best way to spear a tourist is through the fanny pack. The only thing more awkward then running into a pissed off Rhino late at night is Thanksgiving Dinner after we have the “alcoholism is on both sides of the family” discussion at my parents. So think of the ways Shark Week has helped you avoid getting bitten, punch it in the nose, magnets, play dead, Tackleberrys .357 magnum, and remember none of those moves will help you when that modern day Dinosaur puts its horn right up your ass.