Dan Tobin – Page 4 – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator. If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form. While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew, I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks? You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.” –Roger Goodell

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league. Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times. Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1^st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders. And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request. While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively. Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer. That’s at least good for bragging rights. Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield. I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small? We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

Dan Tobin

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

5NewsOnlineAK

FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.

So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow? Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue. I see green. Lots of it. I see “in-store” appearances. I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line. I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.). I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.” I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.” I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star. Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,

Dan Tobin

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.

Pittsburgh CBS Local

UNITY TOWNSHIP (KDKA) – A young man is facing charges stemming from an unusual incident in Westmoreland County Monday.

Skyler Connor, 18, of New Derry, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for waving a rubber penis at passing motorists.

According to police, the incident happened on Route 30 in Unity Township around 6 p.m.

Connor was a passenger in the back seat of a vehicle at the time.

Color me puzzled here, but at what point did waving rubber hogs at your fellow motorists go from being a friendly gesture to an obscene affront? Did I miss something? I just assumed if you were packing hmeat, in your glove compartment you were supposed to honk and wiggle…kind of like the way Jeep folks like to honk and wave at each other…as a way of acknowledging their vehicular kinship and affinity for shitty cars. You got “Hook’em Horns”, the “Dale Earnhardt 3’s”, Dead Heads “Waving to the wind”, and as far as I knew, the “dildo salute” was right there in the mix. What better way to break up the monotony of the highway than wondering “where do you think the guy driving the Kia Sephia with Arizona tags is going with that 6.5 inch jack rabbit?” If I’m wrong, please by all means let me know, as my road trip staples are almost always a pair of Gatorades, Trail Mix, Europe 72, and a two foot double’ender (Get’s a lot of honks in Middle America.). Last thing I want to have to do is register as a sex offender every time I pass through Pittsburgh. That would be super inconvenient, especially, when the family and I head to Chicago for Christmas. (Does EZpass covers sex offender registry?)

Dan Tobin, Uncategorized

Eulogy for the Caswell

Lowell Sun

TEWKSBURY — A strip of molding is peeling off the wood-paneled walls of Room 251 at the Motel Caswell, and there’s a small hole in the wall that won’t be repaired.

The bed has been made for the last time, but those in neighboring rooms are stripped, with red and green paisley comforters lying in heaps on the pavement just beyond the door.

Outside, owner Russ Caswell and his son Jay are clearing out nearby rooms, removing televisions, but leaving most of the furniture for the wrecking ball.

The Motel Caswell, which has been owned by the Caswell family for nearly 60 years, hosted its last guests Sunday night.

It’s set to be demolished next month to make way for an entertainment complex, marking the end of an era on this stretch of Route 38.
“It’s a big change. I guess you’d call it a lot of mixed feelings,” Caswell said.

The motel was the site of a seizure attempt by the federal government under drug-forfeiture laws, which Caswell fought and won in 2013. But before it became known for a number of closed-door drug deals and prostitution stings, the Motel Caswell was a family business, the place where a teenage Caswell started his working life.

Good Morning,

I’m here today….(pulling it together…dusty in here.)…excuse me (clearing throat)…I’m here today to celebrate the life of the Motel Caswell. To many, the Caswell was an old, “past it’s time” motel in a location that nobody in their right mind would ever stop or even let their car idle, let alone spend the night. To the town of Tewksbury, the property was an embarrassing blight on their “magnificent mile” of nail salons, and roast beef joints…preventing big ticket industry like bowling alley’s, and batting cages from turning the place into Dubai. But to those of us gathered here today, the Caswell was our friend. A loyal friend. A friend that was always there for us when you were at your lowest. When you needed a cozy, judgement free bed to sleep off the eleven lunchtime Jade East Mai Tai’s before doing your afternoon school bus route, the Caswell was there. When you needed a meth lab in a pinch, the Caswell was there. When your wife’s restraining order was about to expire, and you had nothing romantic planned…heart shaped tubs…all you can handle. The Caswell was there. A man on a plane once said to me, “If you’ve been to 2 Hilton’s, you’ve been to them all.” Well sir, nobody will ever say that about the Caswell. Wallet friendly rates, maid service, drive-thru hookers…real keys. The Caswell was there.

(Dusty again…clearing throat.)

The Caswell was there.

Dan Tobin

Well, if it isn’t another “Drinking is good for you article.”

PSMAG

Bob Welch, former star Dodgers pitcher, died in June from a heart attack at age 57. In 1981, Welch published (with George Vecsey)Five O’Clock Comes Early: A Cy Young Award-Winner Recounts His Greatest Victory, in which he detailed how he became an alcoholic at age 16: “I would get a buzz on and I would stop being afraid of girls. I was shy, but with a couple of beers in me, it was all right.”

In his early 20s, he recognized his “disease” and quit drinking. But I wonder if, like most 20-something problem drinkers (as shown byall epidemiological research), he would otherwise have outgrown his excessive drinking and drunk moderately?

If he had, he might still be alive. At least, that’s what the odds say.

Had Welch smoked, his obituaries would have mentioned it by way of explaining how a world-class athlete might have died prematurely of heart disease. But no one would dare suggest that quitting drinking might be responsible for his heart attack.

Even drinking more than is recommended, without displaying clinical symptoms of problem drinking or alcohol dependence (and these are not subtle), is generally better for you than drinking nothing.

In fact, the evidence that abstinence from alcohol is a cause of heart disease and early death is irrefutable—yet this is almost unmentionable in the United States. Even as health bodies like the CDC and Dietary Guidelines for Americans (prepared by Health and Human Services) now recognize the decisive benefits from moderate drinking, each such announcement is met by an onslaught of opposition and criticism, and is always at risk of being reversed.

ZZZZzzzz….ZZZzzzzz…what!? Oh, you woke me up for another “Drinking is good for you” article. Yeah, no shit. Of course drinking is good for you. Everyone knows this. You’re about 500 “Drinking is good for your articles” late on this one. What I’m waiting for is the article that tells me that all the horribly unhealthy stuff we do WHILE drinking is perfectly healthy. Like, “Inhaling 3000 calories of breakfast fare at 3 am is actually good for you!” “Trying to the give that 3-billed train wreck that you met at a bar a 10 finger boost into your dorm bunk bed, is good for you! (provided you bend your knees.)” “Telling a funny joke to the girlfriend of the jealous, over protective, sociopathic mixed martial artist who is checking id’s at the bar you’re in, is good for you!” “Having an honest moment with your wife and telling her your ‘actual’ number, is good for you!” “Urinating publicly in a school zone is super good for you.” Heck while you’re at it, “Diving boards, batting cages, your kid’s trampoline, razor scooters, and skate boards…when combined with a healthy buzz, will extend your time on earth. “

Now that’s a study.

Dan Tobin

Has there ever been a hotter summer look than the Facekini?

The Guardian

Swimmers in the eastern Chinese city of Qingdao have already made waves on the internet for their bizarre swimming gear: colourful, full-face masks. Dubbed ‘facekini,’ the fabric masks cover a swimmer’s entire head and neck down to the collar bones. Holes are cut for eyes, nostrils and mouth

Not since my buddy Dunny (@PistoffIrishman) unleashed the Doc Martin/Coorduroy Pant Summer Collection down at Seabrook Beach, has the high fashion industry been turned on its head like this.

A flummoxed yet intrigued Tim Gunn reading this blog.

The Facekini is the answer to all your summer worries. Did you neglect to do a couple sit-ups during your winter hibernation…aka you’re looking all frumpy and fat as shit? No worries, throw on a Facekini. Ordinarily, I’m one in a sea of muffin tops, sucking-in as I stroll the beach at low tide. When I put on my electric facekini, the beach bunnies take notice. I’m the mysterious, sexy guy sending out the vibes, flooding more coastal basements than a tropical storm…and that’s even before I tame the waves with an epic body surfing sesh’.

Say what you will about the Chinese, but they’re clearly best in class when it comes to stamping out self-confidence issues. Take for example this strapping lad who appears to be housing China’s nuclear arsenal in his swimming trunks…heads up Hawaii.

He must be wearing an invisible Facekini.

Category: Dan Tobin

What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.

Eulogy for the Caswell

Well, if it isn’t another “Drinking is good for you article.”

Even drinking more than is recommended, without displaying clinical symptoms of problem drinking or alcohol dependence (and these are not subtle), is generally better for you than drinking nothing.

Has there ever been a hotter summer look than the Facekini?