A Gift Givers Guide for the Ladies: Life of Burt Reynolds Auction Edition

Hey Ladies,

Let’s get something straight, “It’s the thought that matters” is an old holiday expression coined by losers that sucked at giving Christmas presents.  It’s December 9th already.  It’s time to get your heads out of your asses and start getting serious about honoring the men in your life to the fullest.  Don’t be a loser.

The bad news is that science has proven that shitty gift giving is a genetic predisposition that will haunt your life forever.  Fortunately for you, that doesn’t matter this year because every guy is asking for the same thing: something from The Life of Burt Reynolds collection.  No Malls, No crowds.  Just go ahead and spread out on your comfy couch with a glass of Riesling and a credit card, and let your imagination guide you.  I took the time to hand pick the best of the bunch for your and rated them using the Burt Reynolds Mustache Rating System:

Stache ratings 1 thru 5.

5 Staches being the greatest gift since they invented Jesus to add a little depth to the holiday.

BURT REYNOLDS 1952 PALM BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TROPHY

Trophy1“A football trophy presented to Burt Reynolds in 1952 from Palm Beach High School in Florida. The two-tier trophy features a metal football figure at top with an eagle figure mounted to the wood base. At the center of the trophy is an engraved metal plaque that reads “Buddy Reynolds/ All Southern/ Honorable Mention/ All State/ First Team/ All City/ First Team/ 1952.” Affixed to the base of the trophy is another metal plaque that reads “Palm Beach High School.”

Fantasy Football blows.  I’m in four leagues, they all suck. But if you’re telling me Burt Reynold’s 1952 High School trophy could potentially be starring on my mantle, I’m back in.  Grab this piece of hardware for your favorite guy and he’ll be at the top everyone’s league invite list next season. (AKA, you get to captain the remote control… and its Bravo marathon’s for the entire month of August.)

Gift Rating: 2 Staches

BURT REYNOLDS MARTINA NAVRATILOVA SIGNED AND INSCRIBED PHOTOGRAPH

Martina Burt

“A print of a black and white photograph featuring tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Navratilova has inscribed the photograph “Dear Burt- / this is where the/ action is!/ Martina” in black marker. Framed.”

Martina Navratilova, one of the greatest Tennis players ever and perhaps the first universally accepted gay athlete…telling the Wayne Gretzky of sex symbols that “This is where the action is” is the funniest thing these eyes have ever seen.  I am woefully immature, and ignorant.  So is the guy you’re trying to buy a gift for.

Gift Rating: 4 Staches

BURT REYNOLDS ROBE Continue reading “A Gift Givers Guide for the Ladies: Life of Burt Reynolds Auction Edition”

If you don’t ‘Scoo the Poo’… you’re probably going to get stabbed.

poop

Boston.com

Police said a fight between neighbors over unscooped dog poop on private property escalated to a brutal double stabbing in Springfield Saturday. 

Authorities said that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave. was quickly arrested after other neighbors identified him as the assailant. Detectives said they also found a large kitchen knife they believe was used in the attack. 

Valentin is accused of repeatedly stabbing a 46-year-old woman in the back and slashing her 23-year-old daughter in the face. Both women are reportedly in stable condition at an area hospital.

The Springfield Republican reports that Valentin had called police to complain about his neighbor not cleaning up after her dog two hours before the attack. 

Valentin faces two counts each of armed assault with intent to murder and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and a single count of mayhem.

Look, I’m a reasonable dude.  I’m not going to sit here and say that “intent to murder” is a reasonable response in this incident…well, at least directly.  Fact of the matter is that these two birds are lying, semi disfigured in hospital beds for a mere lack of effort.  Hey, we’ve all been there…only a block left in your walk and Cujo decides to take his fourth behemoth dump of the session, and you’ve already exhausted your shitbag reserves. (Side note: most dogs are assholes.  Don’t think for a second they’re not counting how many shitbags go in your pocket before you leave the house.). But that doesn’t mean you’re without options.

Option one is for the suckers…where you scurry around trying to find alternatives like discarded candy bar wrappers, napkins/tissues, only to ultimately have to pay the price of completing the journey with shitty palms. (Not worth it, I’d think I’d opt for the stabbing if given the choice.)

Then there’s the old “phantom poop trick”, where you circle the crime scene for a minute or two, finally putting on a show of wild bewilderment as if the clump of shit mysteriously vanished. You throw out a “WTF,” raise your hands to the heavens, and even go as far as asking Cujo “did you see where it went?” Narc’ing neighbors tend to give you the benefit of the doubt because nobody wants to incite a confrontation when the Devils work is potentially in play.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Grass Grabber”. The Grass Grabber is the “phantom poop” alternative for those that are terrible actors.  You simply take the maxed out bag that you’re already toting, and scoop and pull the clean patch of grass, preferably in the vicinity of Cujo’s landmine.  While not required (but preferable), if you can sneak a couple leaves of lawn clippings over the evidence, all the better.  That should give you enough time skulk out of the neighborhood before your psychopathic neighbor is any the wiser.

Clearly there are options.  So some may read this article and conclude that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave, is an unstable lunatic.  Or you consider the real moral of this story, which suggests that, any level of indifference with regard to Cujo’s shits will likely lead to you getting stabbed.  Scoo that’ Poo, bruh!

Ariana Grande spits in the eye of romance, and the entire City of Lowell

arianatim

Gawker.com

Lil’ Miss Ponytail Ariana Grande has an, ahem, enthusiastic fan from Massachusetts: a 29-year-old man named Tim Normandin. Tim sent Ariana a 42.5-pound pumpkin for Halloween. Ariana sent Tim the cops.
According to TMZ, “police in Lowell, MA paid a visit to the home of 29-year-old Tim Normandin after Ariana’s record label complained the guy was sending Ariana a slew of packages.” The list of gifts shows that Tim has no problem clearing out the frickin’ mall—in addition to the pumpkin, he’s sent:

• Eight (8) Yankee candles
• a 3-piece mirror set from Kmart
• a $200 anklet from Kay Jewelers
• a rock from the White Mountains of New Hampshire
• AND
• an unspecified number of dog and cat calendars

Cops told Tim that he’ll face criminal harassment charges if he doesn’t stop sending Ari all this crap. Tim says he’s not gonna stop sending her all this crap.

Hey Ariana Grande, how about showing a little appreciation for the gesture?  Out of all the guys in Lowell that could bestow gifts upon you, you got the most romantic dude among us.   Yankee Candles, 45 pound pumpkins, non-edible jewelry from Kay Jewelers…what an embarrassment of riches.  The #2 ranked “most romantic guy in the city” is my buddy Dunny, and he makes his wife bring, and carry her own cooler when they go on dinner dates to Browns.

So let’s tap the brakes on the whole calling the cops thing and maybe acknowledge the effort.  If not for the reputation of young Timmy Normandin, how about doing it for the little elves that stuff all that magic into the Balsam & Cedar and Mulling Spices tumblers, out at the Yankee Candle Factory.  Or the exhausted guy at FedEx that had to lug that dumb f’n pumpkin across the country just so you could let it rot on the door step.  Or the greatest jewelry salesman ever to walk this planet over at Kay Jewelers that must have sold his soul to convince a guy to buy the first “anklet” since Service Merchandise folded their tent.    As far I am concerned, your rejection of Timmy is a rejection of us all, and I won’t stand for it.  Fahhhhk You!

Creatures of the Lowell Line: Superheroes

fleetwood

What is this guy’s superpower you ask?  Invisibility? Clearly not.  X-Ray vision? Unlikely.  The ability to break up “six….ahhhh, actually seven” fights at Saturday’s Fleetwood Mac concert?  You guessed it.  (It was 3 fights, two stops ago, but you know how it goes with Superhero’s… you get super exaggeration too.)  Hey, we all know how it goes with those Fleetwood Mac fans.  They’re all just normal geriatrics, complaining about the weather and speed limits being too high, until they hear the base lick in the middle of “The Chain” and they lose their minds.  Its like some sort of tribal call to arms.  One would have to imagine it was a scary scene… “The ush’ahs were piss’n demselves.  Thank God I wuz the’yah.”  (Translation:  “Just went on instinct, No weapons needed.  It’s what I do.”)

And here he is two days later warming the purple seats on the commuter rail with the rest of us mortals, with hardly a scratch on him.  And unlike most superhero’s, who are all usually guarded and introverted when they’re not saving the world, he was extremely forthcoming. (To anyone who accidentally made eye contact.)  For instance, we learned that he just acquired a pet Red Tail Boa, that he temporarily named “Destroyer.” (Temporarily?  Like he’s going to come up with something better than Destroyer?)  And haven’t you all wondered what superheroes order at Dunkin?!? Well, you’re in luck.  This superhero runs on a “Great One” Hot Chocolate with a Turbo shot…which demonstrates a palette and stomach lining that is operating on a super human level.  Clearly this man has no weakness. (Save for the onset of Type 2 diabetes or the eventual wrath of Destroyer the snake.)

All it takes is a little bit of science to turn the casual sex game on it’s head.

happy condom

The Daily Beast

Vasalgel, a reversible form of male birth control, just took one step closer to your vas deferens.

According to a press release from the Parsemus Foundation, a not-for profit organization focused on developing low-cost medical approaches, Vasalgel is proving effective in a baboon study. Three lucky male baboons were injected with Vasalgel and given unrestricted sexual access to 10 to 15 female baboons each. Despite the fact that they have been monkeying around for six months now, no female baboons have been impregnated. With the success of this animal study and new funding from the David and Lucile Packard Foundation, the Parsemus Foundation is planning to start human trials for Vasalgel next year. According to their FAQ page, they hope to see it on the market by 2017 for, in their words, less than the cost of a flat-screen television.

Since the invention of casual sex, we’ve just accepted  that a 95% success rate for male birth control was industry standard, whether you’re a condom guy or you own cargo shorts and Teva’s and wear them at the same time. But because this is America, and Americans do amazing American things, starting in 2017, the only thing that will stand between a dude and the optimal bareback sesh is a little white lie.  “No worries, I’m on Vasalgel.”  And for most of the fellas out there (not named Tobes), it’s usually a patchwork quilt of untruths just to get to a point in the evening where a nice young lady is asking; “Did you take your Vasalgel today?” At that point, it’s just about keeping the momentum.

Look, it’s pretty much accepted in all corners of society that the only way for male birth control to be loophole free is for it to be worn and as visible as a crossing guard’s vest.  But that’s not to say that this Vasalgel is without any sort of practicality.  There’s the tired middle aged dad out there that has three sons and an ambitious wife that has nobody to give their American Doll Collection to…Vasalgel!  Don’t have the ball’s to get snipped? (pun intended)…Vasalgel.  You’re Anotonio Cromartie?…Vasalgel.