FACT: Naked Cycling without a boner is really just weird exercise.

Naked Cycling

Mirror UK– Police were forced to intervene in a naked cycling event – after reports one of the riders got ‘overexcited’.

The ‘aroused’ cyclist was pulled aside and put his jeans back on before being spoken to by officers.

Organisers of the World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) said the rider was removed before the ride started in Canterbury, Kent, on Saturday.

The naked rides, which take place in cities and towns around the world, are organised to highlight the dangers cyclists face from cars.

Participants are permitted to cycle naked but must adhere to strict rules.

One witness said: “Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight.

“It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much.

“One of the organisers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.

“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.”

No boners?!?!  Fuck that noise.  Per the USNCAA, the governing body of naked cycling and archery, all riders must be sporting a minimum 35 degree semi at all times to participate in naked cycling.  Rules are rules, fellas. The world of naked cycling does not need any cowboys with their Stalin-esque “no boner” policies, it simply grades against the spirit of the sport…which everyone knows is the purest form of the sport of cycling.  You ever see Lance Armstrong competing in Naked Cycling?  That’s because the entire world, and Sheryl Crow, knows it is chemically impossible for Lance to cross the finish line with a credibly taught victory flag flying. No doping.  Pure unadulterated Integrity!  That’s what naked cycling is about.  And also gross bodies.  Integrity and gross bodies! Boners aren’t just welcome, they’re mandatory.

Congrats to the Lowell Portuguese Bakery for becoming THE greatest spot on the planet for baked goods.


Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Lowell Portuguese Bakery has been temporarily closed due to an infestation of mice, according to the city’s health inspector.

The bakery, located at 930 Gorham St., was closed March 11.

The mice were seen during a state health inspection, after which the city sent an inspector and saw evidence of mice as well, Lowell Senior Health Inspector David Ouellette said.

“They saw a couple of dead ones and there was evidence of droppings everywhere,” Ouellette said.

The bakery can reopen once it is cleaned up and passes a new health inspection.

“They have to completely clean up the place and set up an extermination program,” Ouellette said. “Once they get an extermination program in place, they can get reinspected by both agencies and that would allow them to open back up.”

You bring me goods from a bakery that doesn’t have any mice, and I’m just going windmill dunk it into the trash right in your face. Who’s a more qualified baked goods critic than a mouse? So when you got every mouse in the city lining up at your door for a taste, you know it’s the bomb. The mice don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re hawking award winning Cronuts to blocks and blocks of tourists, if you’ve got no mice, your product sucks.

When did we get so bad at cheating in youth sports?


Washington Post

Jackie Robinson West, the Chicago-area team that won the U.S. championship in the Little League World Series last summer, has been stripped of its title after an investigation found the team used ineligible players in an attempt to build a super-team.

The Chicago South Side team, whose players were African-American and raised hopes that the game would enjoy a resurgence among young blacks, was found to have used players who live outside its geographic area. On Wednesday morning, Little League International announced its decision, saying that the U.S. championship would now go to the Mountain Ridge team from Las Vegas. Its investigation determined that Jackie Robinson West used a falsified boundary map and that team officials met with neighboring Little League districts in Illinois to claim players.

“As our Little League operations staff learned of the many issues and actions that occurred over the course of 2014 and prior, as painful as this is, we feel it a necessary decision to maintain the integrity of the Little League program. No team can be allowed to attempt to strengthen its team by putting players on their roster that live outside their boundaries.”

Chris Janes, vice president of the Evergreen Park Athletic Association on Chicago’s South Side, told Chicago’s ABC affiliate that his group was suspicious of the super-team, especially after JRW outscored it 43-2 in a little over four innings in a sectional playoff game.

OOOOOH.  The old redistricting trick.  I haven’t seen that move since Gordon Bombay selfishly crushed the career of a budding Adam Banks so that he could play him on a wing next to a shitty skating Charlie Conway…just to silence his inner demons because he once hit the post as a 10 year-old. (Or perhaps because Hans once dropped a digit on him.)  Youth sports are so easy to cheat at it’s surprisingly remarkable how bad some people are at doing it.  By all means, draw your own maps, forge birth certificates, or even sell a couple dozen boxes of crackle candy bars to cover the freight for smuggling some cherubic looking, teen-aged Dominicans into the country to lock down your middle infield.   But whatever you do, DO NOT beat anybody 43-2.  When you quadruple mercy rule someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re cheating or not.  Your vanquished opponent will do whatever they can to crop-dust your trophy case with the stench of their shame.  (See Indianapolis Colts) I’ve seen it a thousand times.

BTW, even though I credited Gordon Bombay above, the real originators of the re-districting move was the sage gentleman over at Callery Park Baseball back in the early 90’s that saw a young @pistoffIrishman in the pipeline of backstops, and realized it would be impossible to make it to Williamsport with a kid trying to signal curveballs with sausage fingers, so they convinced Chelmsford to annex Van Greenby street for the duration of tryouts so they could call up a 9 year old, with power from both sides of the plate.  True story.

Hey Adam Levine, Get the f’ out of my wedding!

Adam Levine

Stupid Huffington Post

Sorry Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Adam Levine just made wedding crashing a lot more awesome.

The 35-year-old Maroon 5 frontman, who married model Behati Prinsloo in July, decided to spice up other couples’ big days by crashing weddings all over Los Angeles on Dec. 6.

The result is the video for the band’s hit song “Sugar,” off their 2014 album “V.”

“David Dobkin, who is an awesome director and a really dear, dear friend, decided to revisit the concept of obviously the original ‘Wedding Crashers,'” Levine told Access Hollywood last month. “The only difference being we actually crashed weddings this time!”

“[We] literally showed up and played songs for these guys. They were surprised,” he added.

How about the balls on this Adam Levine, cat? Like it was one thing when he tried to convince the world that it was his calling to sing Christmas tunes despite being 4000% Jewish, but now he wants us to believe that he and his Maroon 5 pals have enough street juice to organically crash weddings with their fuck-all jams? Stop it. I’d be willing to bet that these bridal parties would be happier to see a “Black Lives Matter” dance floor sit-in than getting their ears raped by Maroon Five. And I do realize that music is all subjective and that perhaps I am being incredibly harsh. But weddings are weddings. Paul McCartney could sneak out onto the parquet with his bass for a stripped down version of Hey Jude and half the function hall would be bullshit because he’s not singing “Shout” and is stealing the bride’s thunder. Paul would never do that though. And to be fair, Adam Levine isn’t the worst person in this video:

There’s this guy…who almost made it through the ceremony without his “tendencies” bubbling to the surface…


This guy, the most implausible “black guy seeing Adam Levine” reaction ever…


Asian folk selling out for a Maroon 5 video by dancing like white folks….

asian dancing

White folks selling out for a Maroon 5 video dancing like the Asian folks….


Then this guy… for not sacking up and telling Adam Levine to hit the bricks.