Has there ever been a hotter summer look than the Facekini?

Women balaclava style face masks at a beach, Qingdao, Shandong Province, China - 14 Aug 2014

Women balaclava style face masks at a beach, Qingdao, Shandong Province, China - 14 Aug 2014

The Guardian

Swimmers in the eastern Chinese city of Qingdao have already made waves on the internet for their bizarre swimming gear: colourful, full-face masks. Dubbed ‘facekini,’ the fabric masks cover a swimmer’s entire head and neck down to the collar bones. Holes are cut for eyes, nostrils and mouth

Women balaclava style face masks at a beach, Qingdao, Shandong Province, China - 14 Aug 2014

Not since my buddy Dunny  (@PistoffIrishman) unleashed the Doc Martin/Coorduroy Pant Summer Collection down at Seabrook Beach, has the high fashion industry been turned on its head like this.

A flummoxed yet intrigued Tim Gunn reading this blog.
A flummoxed yet intrigued Tim Gunn reading this blog.

The Facekini is the answer to all your summer worries.  Did you neglect to do a couple sit-ups during your winter hibernation…aka you’re looking all frumpy and fat as shit?  No worries, throw on a Facekini.   Ordinarily, I’m one in a sea of muffin tops, sucking-in as I stroll the beach at low tide.  When I put on my electric facekini, the beach bunnies take notice.  I’m the mysterious, sexy guy sending out the vibes, flooding more coastal basements than a tropical storm…and that’s even before I tame the waves with an epic body surfing sesh’.

Say what you will about the Chinese, but they’re clearly best in class when it comes to stamping out self-confidence issues.  Take for example this strapping lad who appears to be housing China’s nuclear arsenal in his swimming trunks…heads up Hawaii.

chinesedefense

He must be wearing an invisible Facekini.

You didn’t invite your fat buddy to your cheesesteak party? Green Light Fat Rampage.

Fatkid

Lehigh Valley Live

A teenager upset that his friends didn’t invite him over to eat cheesesteaks in Hellertown allegedly dragged one of his buddies down a flight of stairs and kicked the victim in the face, according to court records.

Police say William Joseph Hitchcock-Sahr Jr., 18, of the first block of Kiernan Avenue, called Brandon Ridgick on Monday and found out Ridgick and two others were hanging out in the 100 block of Northampton Street eating cheesesteaks. 

Hitchcock-Sahr showed up and started arguing because he wasn’t invited and Ridgick hadn’t bought him a sandwich, according to court documents.

Wow…with friends like these, who needs enemies.   Call it experience, call it street smarts, call it 3 years of charm school, but  one thing I know is when you invite a kid into your inner circle with the physical build of a bean bag chair, you better make sure he’s on the VIP list if you’re planning weird cheesesteak parties.   It’s a social protocol that you just can’t overlook, as the fallout is most certainly fat rampage.  If you’re talking birthday parties at the water park, shirts and skins pick-up games, hot air balloon rides, or games like paintball where it helps to be able to hide behind stuff…then by all means, keep chubs out of the loop.  Feelings still may be hurt, but most behavioral scientist agree that “The relief of Fat  Anxiety is > fat rage.”