Congrats to the Lowell Portuguese Bakery for becoming THE greatest spot on the planet for baked goods.

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Lowell Portuguese Bakery has been temporarily closed due to an infestation of mice, according to the city’s health inspector.

The bakery, located at 930 Gorham St., was closed March 11.

The mice were seen during a state health inspection, after which the city sent an inspector and saw evidence of mice as well, Lowell Senior Health Inspector David Ouellette said.

“They saw a couple of dead ones and there was evidence of droppings everywhere,” Ouellette said.

The bakery can reopen once it is cleaned up and passes a new health inspection.

“They have to completely clean up the place and set up an extermination program,” Ouellette said. “Once they get an extermination program in place, they can get reinspected by both agencies and that would allow them to open back up.”

You bring me goods from a bakery that doesn’t have any mice, and I’m just going windmill dunk it into the trash right in your face. Who’s a more qualified baked goods critic than a mouse? So when you got every mouse in the city lining up at your door for a taste, you know it’s the bomb. The mice don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re hawking award winning Cronuts to blocks and blocks of tourists, if you’ve got no mice, your product sucks.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Breaking down Journey’s ‘Faithfully’ video

(If there has ever been a more random blog topic, challenge me)

“Hi, my name is Frank and I ~~love~~ like ‘Journey’“.

Be honest, they rocked it. I would dare to say that they did not have one bad song. Yeah, I said it.

Don’t Stop Believin? Don’t worry, I won’t.

Wheel in the Sky? Where??

Anyway you Want It? I’ll tell you exactly how I want it Steve Perry…right in the…

Open Arms? Bring it in for the real thing, fellas?

Sorry…

But, as great as their music was, they will certainly go down in the Hall of Fame of stupid/lame/fruity video makers.

The other day while at work I broke out some You Tube (I just call it ‘the Tube’) videos and landed on a sweet Journey playlist. Suddenly, along comes their classic pussy tune – ‘Faithfully‘ – which I regretfully love – and I decided to watch the MTV (when there used to actually be a MTV) video of this massacre. I quickly learned something.

Every single second of this video is unintentially funny.

Take a look and I’ll brealk down the hilarity for you….

I’ll wait for you…go ahead….

0:01 – Check the stupid Journey window sticker being held up by the lowest-man-on-the-totem-pole-of-life-ever has to adhere to the tour bus.

0:06 – He actually sticks it on the bus!

0:11 – Their bus has a following of other buses? Come on guys? Cut the shit.

0:18 – “Midnight sun“. Ha ha. So clever.

0:28 – Fog on window wipe off. So deep.

0:37 – Sleeping on bus? I sincerely doubt it with all of that dynamite 80s blow flowing about…

0:41 – Sweet mustache, you sensitive douchebag!

0:54 – Yeah, that car seat should be perfectly safe on that prop jet plane headed for Boise.

1:00 – Why so sad Mullet McMullerson? Maybe because you and your fake girlfriend have same haircut?

1:04 – What time are you wrestling Superfly Snuka, Steve?

1:11 – Still have that Guido caterpillar on your face, dude?

1:18 – “Shit, these jeans are tight”

1:24 – Oh look, a lighter…how inventive! Just take off your shirt, groupie.

1:36 – “Yep, I am a child molester…with half a guitar”

1:48 – “Christ, I am uglier than my molester friend.”

1:53 – “I am only laughing cause they are filming me, dipshit.”

1:58 – “I am just so in to this article in Rolling Stone about VD as we fly over the Rockies”

2:05 – “Why would I ever wear a yellow t-shirt? I am not Charlie Fucking Brown”

2:07 – “Time for me and this badboy to go our ‘Separate Ways’. Are we still filming?”

2:16 – “Anyone else hot?”

2:25 – Gratuitous slow motion footage. Ah, remember the 80s?

2:32 – “Look, I am dancing with the wife I am about to cheat on after the Topeka show!”

2:38 – Sluts with bad haurcuts.

2:49 – Fake wind

2:55-3:20 – Gratuitous bus footage. We get it – you live on a bus.

3:30 – “That’s right girls, no sleeves”

3:36 – “Dude you look so gay!” ” Dude, you do too!”

3:41 – Wow, now a PINK shirt with no sleeves? Jesus H….

4:07 – Hey look its the stupid Journey sticker again!

4:18 – Wow, a shimmering sybol. Again, so damn deep boys.

The End.

P.S. – The ony thing more insulting than their videos was when they made a worldwide search to find the Philipino twin of Steve Perry to be the new front man.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Blizzard Juno Post-Mortem & Confessions

Well, we made it. We are all alive. The world did not end. I actually think I still have some bread and milk in the house. It’s a Super Bowl week miracle! As we continue to dig out and dust away the close to 3 feet of snow (“Do you realize the street value of this mountain?”) dropped on us by Juno (oh, yeah, we now apparently name blizzards now like freaking hurricanes! Oh and we couldn’t do any better that Juno? How about something cool and powerful…like Herb or Norm? I digress) I came to some realizations about myself, my family, and my manhood during this hizzy of a blizzy; none of which are that encouraging from where I sit.

NO SCHOOL. ALL SCHOOLS!

Sure, the knee jerk reaction is YIPPIE! No school! What could be better? I am thrilled for my 3 little cherubs. Enjoy a relaxing day of snow bound leisure, kids. Sleep in, stay in your PJs, watch too much TV and of course, play in this winter wonderland. The excitement for a parent is far less. By about 9AM I wanted to get out of dodge. Have a great day, suckas! Dad is off to work. However, when that diabolical bitch Mother Nature hammers 3 feet on your ass, nobody is going anywhere. We are in Snow Prison. Get back in your cells. Outside of the shoveling, (which I dread, hate and suck at – see below) I was trapped. Being stuck inside for more than 24 hours straight on Tuesday was perhaps the greatest deterrent to ever land myself in the joint. Well, that and the man rape.

SHOVELING & SAUSAGES

Shoveling PERIOD Snow PERIOD Sucks PERIOD It’s cold. It’s windy. It’s cold and it’s cold. And that bomb we got this week was just.too.much. Open my back door to this…

Holy Sweet Mother of Crap. OK, I need a game plan. And so, I determined I would pace myself and my friggin’ diggin’ schedule would go a little something like this…

Shovel for 12 minutes
Beer break
Lite grill (after nearly a whole 1/4 hour of grueling, back breaking slave labor I would surely need some sustenance to survive the elements) BOOM. Like Frozen Fenway baby!

Yeah, that bad boy meat-heater resides 4 feet from the door in the photo above. I basically shoveled just enough so I could spark up some sausages. (By the way, under that blue tarp you see? Yeah, that is an un-used, un-tested, un-gased, un-oiled generator in case the power went out. I’m always ahead of the game)

On with the schedule…

Cook meat
Eat meat
Go inside and whine and…yup…beer break
Shovel for 6 more minutes
QUIT

Pathetic you say? That’s nothing…read on.

I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF!

So, after said pathetic shoveling attempt as described above, the real ‘pants-wearer’ in the family stepped up; the Mrs. Unlike her ill-skilled spouse, she is a bit of a gamer. Once she saw me throw up the white snowflake flag of defeat (and threw me a condescending and disappointing glare), she informed me she was going out to continue the excavation effort…and that I had a piece of sausage on my face. DOH! Grabbed her tin of Skoal and made her way into the wild to ensure our family would be able to safely exit the premises if needed…

…while I made chicken soup watching her out the window. Winning the shame game. Holla!

Each month is gay…

Each season nice…

When eating chicken soup with rice…

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Sports

THIS JUST IN: The Patriots are ACTUAL Superheroes

Vince Wilfork pulls woman from overturned SUV

(Associated Press)

As he drove home from the AFC Championship Game, Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork came upon an overturned SUV, and he’s now being praised by the state police for coming to assistance.

According to the Massachusetts State Police, when troopers responded to a call about the overturned SUV, they found that Wilfork was already there, standing beside the vehicle and asking the driver if she was OK.

The driver wasn’t able to get out, so a trooper held the driver’s side door open while Wilfork reached in and pulled her out. The troopers thanked him for their assistance and said they’d take it from there, so he went on his way home.

The woman Wilfork pulled to safety was charged with operating under the influence of alcohol and negligent operation of a motor vehicle.

————————————————————————————————-

So, let me get this all straight in my head because, to be honest, I am shaking off the cobwebs (and by ‘cobwebs I mean ’16 Bud Lights’) from last night’s Patriots’ AFC Championship winning effort; Vince Wilfork helped save a broad…on his ride home? So basically, the big fella played in almost every defensive snap as he and the Hometown 11 beat the living horseshoes off the highly outmatched Indianapolis Colts 45-7, and then decided to play Superman on the ride home?

While I have never played defensive line at the professional football level (mostly because of disciplinary issues, mind you) I have to believe your body is a bit tired and sore after rubbing against other 900 lb dudes for 3 hours in the rain? No? Maybe I am a pussy, but Vinny is pretty awe inspiring and a fan favorite. And now….

Picture this; you just won one of the biggest games of your pro football career. You are headed to the Super Bowl (again, yawn). All you want to do is crush that XXXL steak and cheese sitting on your lap and get home for a much deserved massage from your old lady, when all of a sudden he thinks…

“Ah, shit, another dumb ass honkey Pats fan got shit hammered and flipped their car while texting their friends ‘Superbowl, baby! LOL! OMG! BLAH BLAH BLAH‘ (CRASH). Big Vin to the rescue “

What’s a Pro Bowler to do? Another day in the life of a Patriot.

VW (ironically, he has the same initials as a car he weighs MORE than) pulls over, puts the sandwich on the passenger’s seat and saves the day.

What do you think that big-mouthed Lil John look-alike Seattle Seahawk Richard Sherman did on his way home?

Probably tightened his braids, tweeted some trash talk and grabbed a gold tooth at the Jerk Store? YEAHHHH!

That’s why, Seattle, you should be starting to form that proverbial dump in your rain-soaked pants right about now. This is not Indy or Denver converging on Glendale, AZ in 13 days…this is the New England Effin Patriots. 6 SuperBowls with the Hall of Fame Sunday brunch combo of Brady and Belicheck coming at ya…full speed.

I hope that handsome playboy, Pete Carroll, has more than high 5s and a loose stance on morals to back you all up. Loud talk, gold cleats and the Space Needle won’t help you here. Your ’12th man’ will be back at home wishing they lived in some other American geography and mumbling about Steve Largent.

Here we come and we are packing Super Heroes for the Super Bowl.

YEAHHHH!

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Dan Tobin

Hey Adam Levine, Get the f’ out of my wedding!

Stupid Huffington Post

Sorry Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Adam Levine just made wedding crashing a lot more awesome.

The 35-year-old Maroon 5 frontman, who married model Behati Prinsloo in July, decided to spice up other couples’ big days by crashing weddings all over Los Angeles on Dec. 6.

The result is the video for the band’s hit song “Sugar,” off their 2014 album “V.”

“David Dobkin, who is an awesome director and a really dear, dear friend, decided to revisit the concept of obviously the original ‘Wedding Crashers,'” Levine told Access Hollywood last month. “The only difference being we actually crashed weddings this time!”

“[We] literally showed up and played songs for these guys. They were surprised,” he added.

How about the balls on this Adam Levine, cat? Like it was one thing when he tried to convince the world that it was his calling to sing Christmas tunes despite being 4000% Jewish, but now he wants us to believe that he and his Maroon 5 pals have enough street juice to organically crash weddings with their fuck-all jams? Stop it. I’d be willing to bet that these bridal parties would be happier to see a “Black Lives Matter” dance floor sit-in than getting their ears raped by Maroon Five. And I do realize that music is all subjective and that perhaps I am being incredibly harsh. But weddings are weddings. Paul McCartney could sneak out onto the parquet with his bass for a stripped down version of Hey Jude and half the function hall would be bullshit because he’s not singing “Shout” and is stealing the bride’s thunder. Paul would never do that though. And to be fair, Adam Levine isn’t the worst person in this video:

There’s this guy…who almost made it through the ceremony without his “tendencies” bubbling to the surface…

This guy, the most implausible “black guy seeing Adam Levine” reaction ever…

Asian folk selling out for a Maroon 5 video by dancing like white folks….

White folks selling out for a Maroon 5 video dancing like the Asian folks….

Then this guy… for not sacking up and telling Adam Levine to hit the bricks.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Red Sox great Wade Boggs drank 107 beers…in a row

As a kid growing up in the 80s in Boston, Wade Boggs was pretty much as great as they come in your sport universe. Right up there with Larry, Mosi and Cam. Outside of his disgusting move to the New York Yankees late in his career, the Boggs man was great at four things: baseball, eating chicken, philandering and, as you will see in this clip, drinking brew.

The rumor has always been Boggs based 64 Miller Lite beers in a day/flight….but Wado told the hilarious Charlie Day during a taping of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ the number is actually 107.

Repeat: 107

I want to call bullshit here…but hey…I don’t know? Guy was a bigger than life sports star. He had a bigger than life mustache (we’re talking Wyatt Earp/Doc Holiday league mustache). Those 2 factors alone lead me to believe he could pull this off.

I have a buddy named “Brian” who I have seen whack back a 30 pack with relative ease…and he is just an idiot…not some highly skilled, highly trained, highly testosterone-ized, highly paid Hall of Fame Red Sox. He’s a regular dude with way to much time on his bladder.

So, before you dismiss Sir Wade’s claim, digest this information for a few moments. Better yet, see if you are as much a man as he? Grow a mustache. Go out and grab yourself 4 1/2 cases of Miller Lite and show ’em who’s boss? My guess is your mustache will be grown sooner that you finish the 107.