Author Archives: elburkee978

About elburkee978

Single gal who just turned 30; self-proclaimed "Cat-Lady". Full time Realtor. Part time daytime bartender at local watering hole. Some time blogger.

12 Days of Xmas Gift Giving Guide- Cat Lady Edition

Since I’m being constantly bombarded by all my fans (…. Is anyone even reading this???) during the holiday season to know what to get for the “it girl” who just has everything, I figured I would step up to the plate and share my Xmas wish list. Who better to help shop for your mom, girlfriend, nana, etc than me!? So without any further ado, I present to you Burkie’s Best Buys for Xmas 2015:
1: Golden Girls granny panties

   women of all ages love the golden girls. It’s one thing we can all agree on. The shenanigans those old biddies get into just get me into stitches. What else do we love? A pair of giant undies to wear when we’re home watching a GG DVR marathon. Feeling a little frisky? Wear your Blanche bloomers!
2: Anything from the Meowington website.  

  

Just spend 5 minutes and revel in the cat jewelry and clothing being offered on this website. Not to mention the cozy cat pillows ideal for snuggling with your 4-legged BFF while knitting a blanket.
3: Poo pourri. 

Seriously this is brilliant, and everyone should know/have/use this. Tis the season for numerous holiday parties and loads of great food. Who wants to stink the office bathroom after a massive scallop-and-bacon binge?? (Unless of course, it’s a unisex bathroom, which you can blame IBS Gary for) Poopourri to the rescue. Fits in your purse too!
4: Cat costumes!! 

 Nothing gets me more giddy than seeing a cat in clothing. Cuteness overload!!! Make sure to send tons of snapchats to everyone in your contact list.
5: Hidden flask mittens. 

  Anyone who’s anyone (okay, anyone who’s a drunk) will have these on their wish list! Perfect for nips of peppermint schnapps at the stupid Santa parade that’s been a family tradition since you were in a stroller, or for a brisk day leaving the job and don’t feel like sitting on the train home listening to someone else’s phone conversation while stone cold sober. I’ve been told this is a personal favorite of @pistoffirishman who has been seen wearing these while sitting on the family couch.
6: Boyfriend pillow.

Feeling lonely? Need a cuddle? Look no further. Formerly a favorite of Jennifer Anniston’s when she had her 10 year dry spell, now all women everywhere are catching on to the trend and cuddling up to the perfect man. Handsome and silent, God bless.
7: Wine bag,  

For the classiest woman at the back corner of the work/family Xmas party. For those tired of socializing with the snobs at who pretend they know anything about what region or vintage their overpriced wine comes from, grab this and the tray of scallops wrapped in bacon (make sure you have your pooporri) and have yourself a merry little tipsy Christmas. No one will even know you swapped your Coach bag for this classy arm candy.
8: Emoji keyboard.  

 How mad do you get while writing an email to a coworker and being forced to do the ancient “J” as a smiley face or the totally uncool “:-(” frowny face. Give ’em the ole 💯💯💯💯💯 with this keyboard.
9: Lotus Cat Furniture

For the “refined feline” as the site says, Lotus cat furniture will add sleek style to your over hoarded cat hair covered one bedroom apartment. Impress the pizza delivery guy with your home decorating skills!


10: I Robot vacuum.  

 This is a multi use gift. Cleans cat hair, plusssss you can put your kitten on it while wearing it’s new costume and you have minutes of pure cat-blissed entertainment.


11: Ugg slippers.  

Not only does our Lord and Savior Tom Brady endorse these cloud-like foot pillows, but they’re great for indoors AND outdoors. Perfect for trekking the kitty litter to the trash barrel outside.
12: Brookstone Personal massager.  

The worst part of living alone or with a cat is that they simply just can’t reach those hard to scratch urges itches. Just turn this sucker on and you’ll feel … Soo…. Relaxed…. Like…. Really relaxed ……….. Catch my drift, pervvies?

So there you have it. A Christmas wish list that covers all your bases and, might I add, some pretty darn clever items too at that. The best part? You can buy all this crap online!!! Never leave your apartment again my lazy friends! Til next time,
Kisses and cat hair,

Burkie

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Skank’o’ween is here and I’m taking a stand 

  
For the last few years I’ve been facing a dilemma come this time of year. I’m 30. Single. No kids. I’ve realized I’m in a gray area when it comes to Halloween. So long are the days where I traipsed around campus half in the bag (okay, all the way in the bag) wearing next to nothing going from one house party to the next, and just the same I’m not yet ready to join my married boring friends (no offense guys?)  taking their children out then having a get together back at the house. So where does this leave me? Do I sit at home with my only other single girlfriend and watch scary movies avoiding the doorbell and incessant knocking of the trick or treaters? (They were pretty ruthless last year, I thought I was going to get egged when I didn’t answer the door). So this year, my single friend and I decided we were going to be social and lively- maybe even festive!- and we’re going to the local bar where there’s going to be a DJ, costumes, etc. This still is going to leave me home hiding behind my wine glass during the witching hour of 6-8 when the kids are running amuck, but at least I’ll be getting out after the fact and celebrating Halloween being on a Saturday night and I can get my drink on without the judgy looks at the office in the morning. (Yes we get it, you smell whisky every time I walk by your desk, no need to flog a dead horse.)

With this decision to go out on Halloween came the daunting task of trying to figure out a costume. Whats something that’s totally different from my day to day wear? Maybe something fun with a wig! I thought about this for days, and decided on the one thing that truly suited me. Anyone who knows me is just going to roll their eyes, but hello!? I’m the crazy cat lady, I’m going to roll with that and just go full out hair rollers, bathrobe, knee high socks, and stuffed cat animals in all my pockets. Pretty much like the lady from the Simpsons who’s constantly hurling cats at people. My friend decided she’ll be my pet cat. Hah. Cute. We’re all in on the joke, great. So off to iParty we go in search of little accessories for our costumes. We walk in and look around, and I’m gazing at the wall of costumes just mesmerized. Sexy cop. Sexy witch. Sexy cat. Sexy Freddy Krueger? Sexy Robin Hood? Are we taking this sexy thing a bit far here? I then came to the realization that at my age, any Halloween costume I’m supposed to be wearing has to have fishnet tights, stilettos, and a sexy twist to it. I should be going as Cat Woman- leather body suit, sky high ponytail, stilettos- not her crazy mu-mu wearing cat lady cousin. I end up just leaving without purchasing anything, and second guessing my original costume choice.

  
The more I’m looking around on Facebook, BuzzFeed, etc, I’m seeing more and more skank outfits. Sexy Gandalf? Sexy Harry Potter? I instantly have throwbacks to 7th grade where I showed up to the school dance in a stupid dress and everyone else was dressed all cool and casual in their Fila jackets and Timberlands. I can’t show up to a bar wearing a bathrobe and curlers when every other female there is going to be skanked out, can I??

I can. And I will. I’m taking a stand for the females. I honestly have no problem with looking sexy. And usually I would jump at the chance to wear fake eyelashes and high heels; however- I need to keep into consideration I’m going to a dumpy local bar, where I most certainly hope my future husband will not be. Why do I care if I have curlers in my hair? I will go as a goofy looking cat lady only exposing very little skin (it’s damn cold this time of year!) and my friend is going to stick by me and wear a cat costume. She’s even going to paint her face because we are REBELS, Dottie (Pee-Wee Herman reference) and we’re not going to freeze our behinds for the sake of looking sexy for 4 hours until we get sick of what we’re wearing and just go home.

To be honest, hair rollers and a bathrobe certainly won’t keep this girl from having a random make-out sesh on the way to the bathroom. I may be 30, but I can run circles around these youngin’s who can barely walk in their high heels. Who do you think is going to kill it at karaoke- Some Sexy Nurse singing Girl Crush, or the crazy cat lady belting out Come on Eileen dancing like Elaine Bennis? Let’s see these gals try and play a game of cornhole while dressed as a sexy army girl. Try taking a shot of Fireball without ruining your fire-engine red lipstick. Hah! Been there, done that, wrote a blog about it. Bye Felicia! 

How to handle the Irish Whisper

Couple weeks late here but a subject near and dear to my heart….

Props to Frank for re-sharing the informative post regarding the Irish Exit- one of my most notorious and highly overused party tricks. (If you didn’t catch it you can read it here) https://canibefrankandcrew.com/2015/07/09/the-irish-perf-exit/
  
However, unbeknownst to some people, the Irish also invented another social faux pas- one that I happen to perform usually as just prior to the Irish Exit, and this my friends is the almighty IRISH WHISPER. This would be the art of thinking you are quietly saying something to the person sitting next to you, usually regarding someone/something within ear shot- but in reality you are actually quite audible. This is usually partnered with either a beer in hand or a nice glowing wine buzz. 

So before you decide to talk about the guy at works’ divorce as he’s sitting with collegues just one table over, remember this helpful anagram: 

B- Boisterous. Be sure to keep your voice low enough that you cannot hear what you’re saying. Having the person you’re speaking to say, “what?” Is much easier than having to wave at the person who just heard you say their name. Am I being to boisterous right now?

E- Ease. Slowly ease into the whisper by first checking to make sure you are in far enough away ear shot. Then proceed with your gossip.

E- Eavesdropping. Don’t let someone close by be able to hear you. They may have an Irish whisper as well, and might not know this handy anagram.

R- Run like hell. Irish exit. Irish goodbye. If all else fails, sidesaddle your way towards the door and pretend you were never there. 

BEER. Excellent! Now that everyone is ready for the weekend, get out there and get your smack talking game faces on! 

Sandoval Suspended for creeping Instagram during game

Last week Pablo Sandoval excused himself during a Sox/Braves game to go use the restroom. And instead of bringing a newspaper or maybe some notes on the game, he decided to hop on his cell and check out what was on Instagram. Seems harmless, right? And, while taking care of his buisness, Pablo happened to like two of user “diva_legacy”‘s photos. Once again, seems harmless, right?

Well Pablo got called out. Our tattletale boy Jared called out Pablo for being on Instagram during the game, which the Sox did go on to lose. For this “ungentlemanly” behavior, and use of a cell phone during the game, Sandoval was suspended for a game.

  
Can I Just Be Frank here (see what I did there) and say that with a history of fried chicken, beer, and gambling, or even “Manny being Manny” running off the field to use the john, we’re really going to chastise a player for scrolling through his phone while using the bathroom? I mean…. It’s not like he’s just sitting there in the dugout tweeting. Who would even blame him if he was? With a record like ours I’d be trolling the Interwebs too. 

 Everyone’s seen Steve Martin in The Jerk- right?


Unlike Steve Martin’s character in the above mentioned movie, Rachel Dolezal did NOT grow up on a southern farm raised by a black family. She DID however, grow up in a white home with white biological parents in suburban Montana (until she went to college in MS and later, Howard University)

It’s being brought up that not only did Rachel Dolezal move to a new city and lie about her race to everyone she met, but she had her brainwashed adopted brother help cover her tracks also. This chick has left a long line of lies and deceit that spans back to decades ago- with fun things like:

  • suing Howard university for discrimination (god knows what was being discriminated)
  • Estranging herself from her parents
  •  sending her brother to jail for claiming he molested her siblings
  • divorcing her husband because he was “abusive” to their child
  • claiming KKK was threatening her with nooses and vandalism.
  • Getting spray tanned regularly and denying “blackface”

But my most favorite thing about this entire whack job of a lady is- when she finally gets busted for being a cracker, her defense is that she had “always identified as black- blackish” and can even recall drawing pictures of herself as a 5 year old using the brown crayon.

This bitch better watch her back, and not for the KKK, but for Caitlyn Jenner. No this Dolezal biatch did NOT just steal her thunder.

I don’t care if you identify yourself as a certain race, gender, animal, whatever. Do you. Have fun, go nuts. Just don’t hurt anyone. Let’s be honest, this is not the first white girl who wanted to imitate the home gurlz T Boz and Chilli. Who doesn’t look up to Queen Beyoncé and her royal highness Ms. Jackson?! Even more so, being a Boston gal of irish descent myself, especially around St. Paddys day, you’ll see people wearing shirts that say “Kiss me Im Irish” or “Irish I was drunk” (we’re really clever up here) or even witness dudes arm wrestling over who’s more Irish. ( “Well my uncles neighbor has a brogue!” “Yea, so? My cousin Shamus’ girlfriend is from Galway!”). Every dude from my suburbia hometown thought they were thugs. Trying to be a race you’re not is not uncommon. But to go all the way to president of the local NAACP chapter? That’s  where you’ve gone to far, girlie.

My point is that this chick is bananas. Like the mentally unstable “Gone Girl” type of chick. If you asked her what she had for breakfast she’d say grits even if it was Captain Crunch. She’s going to have her 15 minutes of black injustice, but mark my words…. She’s not done yet. I’m feeling some sort of lawsuit coming on, cuz a mofo like this loves to ruffle feathers. Or weaves. Whatevs.

Fancy Feast on this: Cats are Cooler than You

 

Move over dog lovers, cats are now cool.
It’s true. For eons dogs have held the spotlight, and it’s far time now that their reign ends. No longer are dog parks cool, now it’s cat cafes and whole events dedicated to our feline friends.

I know this, because as a single 30year old who owns 2 cats, I have been the butt of all my friends jokes for far too long. My Facebook wall is primarily my friends posting a cat meme or some YouTube vid of a cat who did something silly. Yesterday I was notified (more than once) of CatCon that took place in L.A. this weekend. Over 10,000 people showed up to convene together in name of the almighty Puss. T-shirts, pillows, tattoos and most fantastic of all, a guest appearance of her royal highness, Li’l Bub.  Snapchat had a live feed snap from the convention. Articles were written worldwide. I’m just counting down the days to CatCon Boston.
No longer is it just dirty hipsters and eclectic single ladies who now see the benefits of cats, here are some reasons why cats are better than dogs:

  • They groom themselves. Self-Baths are constant, and do not require you to spend money or time getting a groomer
  • You can leave them alone for a few days and they’re happier that way. Big bowl of food and water, clean litterbox and their pushing you out the door. None of this having to go for walks, or barking at all hours of the night to use the bathroom. Ugh, who needs that kind of responsibility?
  • You need to earn their respect. That’s an important life lesson. You don’t just walk up to someone and rub their ears. Dogs teach you this is okay. It’s not. Don’t just assume you can go in for the belly rub- cats keep you in line.
  • Who needs an exterminator when cats are around? Not just little mice, but did you know cats love spiders, lady bugs, ants, and anything else that moves into their path? See ya creepy crawlers
  • When cats jump on your lap or in your bed they don’t take up much space, and actually work as great feet warmers in the winter.

So let’s just stop giving cat ladies a bad rap. We just knew all along what it took ages for the rest of our culture to see

(Yes, that’s my idol Stephen King with his cat)