Honorable act here. Bravo men.
Well, we made it. We are all alive. The world did not end. I actually think I still have some bread and milk in the house. It’s a Super Bowl week miracle! As we continue to dig out and dust away the close to 3 feet of snow (“Do you realize the street value of this mountain?”) dropped on us by Juno (oh, yeah, we now apparently name blizzards now like freaking hurricanes! Oh and we couldn’t do any better that Juno? How about something cool and powerful…like Herb or Norm? I digress) I came to some realizations about myself, my family, and my manhood during this hizzy of a blizzy; none of which are that encouraging from where I sit.
NO SCHOOL. ALL SCHOOLS!
Sure, the knee jerk reaction is YIPPIE! No school! What could be better? I am thrilled for my 3 little cherubs. Enjoy a relaxing day of snow bound leisure, kids. Sleep in, stay in your PJs, watch too much TV and of course, play in this winter wonderland. The excitement for a parent is far less. By about 9AM I wanted to get out of dodge. Have a great day, suckas! Dad is off to work. However, when that diabolical bitch Mother Nature hammers 3 feet on your ass, nobody is going anywhere. We are in Snow Prison. Get back in your cells. Outside of the shoveling, (which I dread, hate and suck at – see below) I was trapped. Being stuck inside for more than 24 hours straight on Tuesday was perhaps the greatest deterrent to ever land myself in the joint. Well, that and the man rape.
SHOVELING & SAUSAGES
Shoveling PERIOD Snow PERIOD Sucks PERIOD It’s cold. It’s windy. It’s cold and it’s cold. And that bomb we got this week was just.too.much. Open my back door to this…
Holy Sweet Mother of Crap. OK, I need a game plan. And so, I determined I would pace myself and my friggin’ diggin’ schedule would go a little something like this…
- Shovel for 12 minutes
- Beer break
- Lite grill (after nearly a whole 1/4 hour of grueling, back breaking slave labor I would surely need some sustenance to survive the elements) BOOM. Like Frozen Fenway baby!
Yeah, that bad boy meat-heater resides 4 feet from the door in the photo above. I basically shoveled just enough so I could spark up some sausages. (By the way, under that blue tarp you see? Yeah, that is an un-used, un-tested, un-gased, un-oiled generator in case the power went out. I’m always ahead of the game)
On with the schedule…
- Cook meat
- Eat meat
- Go inside and whine and…yup…beer break
- Shovel for 6 more minutes
- QUIT
Pathetic you say? That’s nothing…read on.
I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF!
So, after said pathetic shoveling attempt as described above, the real ‘pants-wearer’ in the family stepped up; the Mrs. Unlike her ill-skilled spouse, she is a bit of a gamer. Once she saw me throw up the white snowflake flag of defeat (and threw me a condescending and disappointing glare), she informed me she was going out to continue the excavation effort…and that I had a piece of sausage on my face. DOH! Grabbed her tin of Skoal and made her way into the wild to ensure our family would be able to safely exit the premises if needed…
…while I made chicken soup watching her out the window. Winning the shame game. Holla!
Each month is gay…
Each season nice…
When eating chicken soup with rice…
I’m about to school all the haters calling the Pats cheaters. So get your spycams rolling and take this info down:
When gas particles in matter warm up, they travel faster, causing items such as say… a football…. to inflate more. Once those particles cool down, lets say a football is taken into cold New England weather, they slow down… causing the item to deflate.
Same basic theory why roads crack in winter….. and why your door jam may seem to swell in the summer.
So yea, haters gonna hate- but we’ll see you at the ‘ship 😀
Vince Wilfork pulls woman from overturned SUV
(Associated Press)
As he drove home from the AFC Championship Game, Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork came upon an overturned SUV, and he’s now being praised by the state police for coming to assistance.
According to the Massachusetts State Police, when troopers responded to a call about the overturned SUV, they found that Wilfork was already there, standing beside the vehicle and asking the driver if she was OK.
The driver wasn’t able to get out, so a trooper held the driver’s side door open while Wilfork reached in and pulled her out. The troopers thanked him for their assistance and said they’d take it from there, so he went on his way home.
The woman Wilfork pulled to safety was charged with operating under the influence of alcohol and negligent operation of a motor vehicle.
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So, let me get this all straight in my head because, to be honest, I am shaking off the cobwebs (and by ‘cobwebs I mean ’16 Bud Lights’) from last night’s Patriots’ AFC Championship winning effort; Vince Wilfork helped save a broad…on his ride home? So basically, the big fella played in almost every defensive snap as he and the Hometown 11 beat the living horseshoes off the highly outmatched Indianapolis Colts 45-7, and then decided to play Superman on the ride home?
While I have never played defensive line at the professional football level (mostly because of disciplinary issues, mind you) I have to believe your body is a bit tired and sore after rubbing against other 900 lb dudes for 3 hours in the rain? No? Maybe I am a pussy, but Vinny is pretty awe inspiring and a fan favorite. And now….
Picture this; you just won one of the biggest games of your pro football career. You are headed to the Super Bowl (again, yawn). All you want to do is crush that XXXL steak and cheese sitting on your lap and get home for a much deserved massage from your old lady, when all of a sudden he thinks…
“Ah, shit, another dumb ass honkey Pats fan got shit hammered and flipped their car while texting their friends ‘Superbowl, baby! LOL! OMG! BLAH BLAH BLAH‘ (CRASH). Big Vin to the rescue “
What’s a Pro Bowler to do? Another day in the life of a Patriot.
VW (ironically, he has the same initials as a car he weighs MORE than) pulls over, puts the sandwich on the passenger’s seat and saves the day.
What do you think that big-mouthed Lil John look-alike Seattle Seahawk Richard Sherman did on his way home?
Probably tightened his braids, tweeted some trash talk and grabbed a gold tooth at the Jerk Store? YEAHHHH!
That’s why, Seattle, you should be starting to form that proverbial dump in your rain-soaked pants right about now. This is not Indy or Denver converging on Glendale, AZ in 13 days…this is the New England Effin Patriots. 6 SuperBowls with the Hall of Fame Sunday brunch combo of Brady and Belicheck coming at ya…full speed.
I hope that handsome playboy, Pete Carroll, has more than high 5s and a loose stance on morals to back you all up. Loud talk, gold cleats and the Space Needle won’t help you here. Your ’12th man’ will be back at home wishing they lived in some other American geography and mumbling about Steve Largent.
Here we come and we are packing Super Heroes for the Super Bowl.
YEAHHHH!
http://www.lowellsun.com/breakingnews/ci_27325161/protesters-block-i-93-snarl-morning-commute-boston
This morning, 29 snot nosed little punks were arrested because they decided to wake up early, grab a dunkaccino, and go play in traffic. Literally. Like, what my mom used to tell me to do when I was being…. me. These kids decided to stop morning rush hour traffic by tying themselves together with plastic piping and laying in the middle of the 93 South in Medford, all in the name of police brutality,
Now, I’m all for freedom of opinion, I promise you, I really am. But….. WTF. This is our generation’s hippies. No more burning bras or chanting around campus. We’re taking to the streets (highways, rather) for something that may be a HUGE issue elsewhere, but a case that I highly doubt these community college kids have ever dealt with. I’m not that old, mind you, but I know that if I was underage and drinking in the woods and a cop car pulled up…. if my @$$ wasn’t already halfway home it would be “yes sir” “no sir” or “I don’t know any of those crazy kids, I was the one that called” while talking to cops. Not, let me back talk to the cops and try to steal their gun. Pretty sure it takes little intelligence to realize that like your momma, they’re gonna slap you. But not that stinging open handed slap on the forehead with her ring hand, but with some damn cuffs.
But beyond that. Back to today’s playing in traffic escapade. As quoted from the Lowell Sun;
“The protest was intended ‘to confront white complacency in the systemic oppression of black people in Boston’ the Boston contingent of Black Lives Matter said in a statement.
‘Today, our nonviolent direct action is meant to expose the reality that Boston is a city where white commuters and students use the city and leave, while black and brown communities are targeted by police, exploited, and displaced,’ protester Katie Seitz said in a statement.”
I’m going to bet RIGHT NOW, and I’m not a betting (wo)man…. but I HIGHLY doubt that 100% of the commuters and students that were late today were white. So, basically what my homegirl Katie Seitz was quoted as saying was that only white people go to work and school and commute. REVERSE RACISM! I’m calling it now. These kids were the same ones who voted Obama, not because of his policies, but because he was the almighty “CHANGE”. (I’m not basing Obama right this second, I’m just saying the majority of his votes were first time voters who weren’t informed on politics)
So yes, congrats children of the highway, you got your wish- I’m talking about you and getting your word out. But…. I’m just going to stop right there and say good luck to you in your future endeavors. I can’t wait til your white protesting ass is pulled over for a traffic stop, and the cop sees your last arrest was for laying down on Interstate 93 because cops are bad.
Sorry Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Adam Levine just made wedding crashing a lot more awesome.
The 35-year-old Maroon 5 frontman, who married model Behati Prinsloo in July, decided to spice up other couples’ big days by crashing weddings all over Los Angeles on Dec. 6.
The result is the video for the band’s hit song “Sugar,” off their 2014 album “V.”
“David Dobkin, who is an awesome director and a really dear, dear friend, decided to revisit the concept of obviously the original ‘Wedding Crashers,'” Levine told Access Hollywood last month. “The only difference being we actually crashed weddings this time!”
“[We] literally showed up and played songs for these guys. They were surprised,” he added.
How about the balls on this Adam Levine, cat? Like it was one thing when he tried to convince the world that it was his calling to sing Christmas tunes despite being 4000% Jewish, but now he wants us to believe that he and his Maroon 5 pals have enough street juice to organically crash weddings with their fuck-all jams? Stop it. I’d be willing to bet that these bridal parties would be happier to see a “Black Lives Matter” dance floor sit-in than getting their ears raped by Maroon Five. And I do realize that music is all subjective and that perhaps I am being incredibly harsh. But weddings are weddings. Paul McCartney could sneak out onto the parquet with his bass for a stripped down version of Hey Jude and half the function hall would be bullshit because he’s not singing “Shout” and is stealing the bride’s thunder. Paul would never do that though. And to be fair, Adam Levine isn’t the worst person in this video:
There’s this guy…who almost made it through the ceremony without his “tendencies” bubbling to the surface…
This guy, the most implausible “black guy seeing Adam Levine” reaction ever…
Asian folk selling out for a Maroon 5 video by dancing like white folks….
White folks selling out for a Maroon 5 video dancing like the Asian folks….
Then this guy… for not sacking up and telling Adam Levine to hit the bricks.
