Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Now, this is how you Memorial Day

@LowellSun

Lowell Sun News – Billerica police say a 54-year-old Billerica woman racked up back-to-back drunken-driving arrests over two days, less than 24 hours apart, driving along the same area of Boston Road in the same car this weekend.

In Lowell District Court on Tuesday, Valerie Feuerstein, of 16 Meadowbank Road, had bail set at $5,000 cash after pleading in two cases to: operating under the influence of alcohol (two counts), marked lanes violation, and operating a motor vehicle with a license suspended for drunken driving.

Billerica police note that Feuerstein has a history of driving violations, mostly for speeding, that date back to 1982.

In court, prosecutor Christopher Minue said that on Saturday Billerica police responded to Boston Road for a report of a suspected drunken driver in a black Chevy Camaro. Policearrested Feuerstein, who refused a Breathalyzer test, and charged her with drunken driving.

She was released from the police station.

At around that at around 8 p.m. on Sunday, a Billerica police officer was driving along Concord Road when he spotted the same black Chevy Camaro being driven erratically. After turning around to stop the Camaro, the officer found the car parked in front of Georgio’s Liquors at 446 Boston Road, according to court documents.

The officer waited for Feuerstein, the driver, to exit the liquor store and get behind the wheel of the Camaro, police say.

The officer followed the Camaro as it turned onto Boston Road watching as half the vehicle was driving in the breakdown lane, police allege. The car was pulled over.

Police noted that Feuerstein, who smelled of alcohol, appeared confused and was unsteady on her feet. She allegedly failed the field sobriety tests. Handcuffed and sitting in the back of the cruiser, Feuerstein continued to try to recite the alphabet, one of the field sobriety tests, police allege.

In court, Feuerstein’s attorney told Judge Thomas Brennan that his client has had a series of issues in her life, including a recent divorce, a broken arm, seizures, and depression because her son went away for the weekend. Feuerstein was sleep-deprived and confused at the time of her arrests, the attorney said.

Minue argued that Feuerstein poses a danger with back-to-back drunken-driving arrests less than 24 hours apart.

In addition to the cash bail, Brennan told Feuerstein that if she posts bail she is prohibited from drinking and cannot drive. She must also submit to random alcohol screens. A pretrial conference is scheduled for July 8.

————————————————————————————-

Meet 54 year old Valerie Feuerstein. Well Val, I have to respect your love of the D and D-ing game. Picked up twice in 24 hours? That’s some serious work and dedication.

I think I like a lot of things about this boozy broad and her whole wild weekend story in general…

Basically, she returns to same scene of crime from hours earlier. How’s that for a little double barrel middle fingers to the BPD. Come get me, pigs . I aint hiding!
Black Chevy Camaro (clapping). How many ways to say you are awesome? This says it all. Not sure ANYONE who has EVER owned a Camaro has EVER driven it sober. Its practically entrapment when you drive off the lot with that bad boy.
“Hey that looks like the cops right behind me again? Shit. What to do? What to do? I got it! I’ll go see my steady BAE Georgio for a quick 6 of Schlitz and a few nips of Fleischmans. That will get them off my trail. Perfect. Bwahahaha.”
How about her excuses for why she needed to get behind the wheel shithammered? Outstanding.
“Recent divorce” – yeah join the other 50% of ‘Murica.
“Broken Arm” that one didnt even work for Rodney Dangerfield .

“Seizures” Those are callled the DT shakes, Miss When a Man Loves A Woman
“Depression from her son (who is likely 40 by my math on the average age of Billerica child-bearers) going away fo the weekend. You were depressed, Kitty Dukakis, cause Sonny Boy couldn’t cart your drunk ass back and forth to Georgio’s while he sat at MAC’S TWO wishing he could move out of your basement and contemplating suicide by stripper.

So anyway, Val, you made a lot of Veterans proud with this complete lack of regard for your fellow motorists over the long weekend. Oops, did I say ‘Veterans’? I meant ‘No One’.

We’ll see if you can top yourself come 4th of July! Maybe the elusive drunk driving holiday weekend hat trick is achievable?

Burkie

Let’s Hear It For the Girl

Ah, May. ‘Tis the season for weddings, baby showers, and graduations. All of which I have attended these past few weeks. Cookouts, allergies, and gifts galore. As a single woman, this is really adding up. Before this sounds like a cliche ‘Sex in the City’ pity post, let me just say this; I’m up to my ears with getting everyone else a gift. I think it’s about time to celebrate the people who were smart enough in life to make the true intelligent life decisions.

-Degree? I don’t need no stinkin’ degree! I spent a year and a half “following my passions” of literature and journalism only to realize that I was spending 60 hours a week PAYING to read and write in order to achieve a piece of paper. Kudos to you kiddos who actually DID graduate, and have a goal in mind, but lets be honest. I would’ve spent $80k and still have ended up as a Realtor. Why hasn’t anyone thrown me a drop-out of college party????

– Weddings. This is usually a quadruple expense. Engagement party. Bridal Shower. Bachelor/ette Party. Wedding gift. That’s 4 outfits, too! No one has ever spent that much time celebrating me! Now, regardless of the fact that I was 3 months away to getting hitched- No one ever said “THANK YOU for saving us from all these crazy expenses. And hey- pretty smart of you to realize you didn’t want a divorce in a year.”

– Baby Showers. The best part of baby showers these days is that they’re co-ed now. Now you jerk dudes get to see what we’ve been suffering through for all these years sitting through someone opening up gifts one by one and ogling at the doll clothes and toys that don’t even make sounds or light up. Thank God for gift registries or every kid that I had to go to a baby shower for would get a Barbie doll or Beanie baby. Who even knows what kids are into these days. I haven’t made any of my friends deal with the boredom that is a baby shower, and NO ONE thanks me for that. No one has ever said “Hey- smart move on not pro-creating. Here’s a box of wine.”

I almost feel like all of us single adults need to have our own annual Jack and Jill style party. “OMG Leah’s single and needs money to go to the casino this weekend!! Lets have a party and sell raffle tickets to make her some dough!! She kicked ass this year in work, and hasn’t dragged us to her kids 3rd birthday party or her 2nd wedding!”

But we all know the facts of life. We’ll never solve world hunger, and there’s no spotlight on single 30-something cat ladies. So for now I will just continue be the pleasant spectator with a slight buzz at all these events

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Why am I so pissed off this week?

Not sure what has a hold of me this week, but I am just angry. Could be the pollen count is like 9 million (I dont even know if thats possible so piss off…I am not Harvey Fucking Leonard! See what I mean?). Could be that our entire region’s “boyfriend” Touchdown Tommy is being unfairly punished and criticized. Could be I just hate everyone. Yes, you too.

Whatever the case I decided the most therapeutic way – except for exercise, alcohol {I am lying, thats always part of my regiment}, yoga or talk therapy – to deal with this unforeseen steam is to expunge the demons with this blog. Identify each and everything that annoyed the shit out of me in recent days and let it out, drop the blood pressure to acceptably high range and allow me to move on living a life of religious and spiritual harmony.

Namaste.

Nope – that shit is stupid and I still dont’ feel any better….on to the Airing of Grievances

While I can not pinpoint one major thing….I have a list of several little ones for sure

Ted Wells. Your 243 page report on Deflategate is flawed and biased, jack wagon. Your mustache looks like the work of a 3 year old child with a Sharpie. You, sir, suck. Here is a quick excerpt from the 1 Page McCabe Report: Fuck you.

The Match.com guy. “Excuse me, Mr Level 3 Sex Offender, do I know you? You are creeping out Manhattan, chief. Can you back the hell off and give me some personal space? If I ever decided to use a dating site/rape invitation service, you just gave me the final reason why I won’t. Get back to the bushes with your binoculars, dbag.”

This guy. This is Matt. Matt is my brother-in-law. In truth, he is (or was) one of the all-time greats as far as BILs are considered… UNTIL recently. Matt was always 1st in line for a good time and excessive indulgance – food, booze, TV watching, laziness, whatever – and the ultimate fat Dad wingman for yours truly. However, in recent weeks Matt turned his back on me and our whole way of life. Matt started dieting, exercising, drinking less (sorta). But this week Matt crossed the line. He went to one of the premiere steak houses in the country and ordered….wait for it…..sea bass. Effing Sea Bass! Right? Enough said. Go to Vegan hell Matt. I hate you.

Passwords. Why does every Goddamn thing is this cyber-secure earth require a password!? I could not remember one this week and I absolutely blew a gasket. Screaming at an inanimate object like it was going to answer me. Is it my kids birthdays? Is it our dead fish’s name? Is it ‘Nipple’? Nope. Never got it figured out and I am still off the reservation about it.

My Son. What? Why? Who? How could you possibly? Outrage! Yeah, well Jr turns 12 this week and without getting graphic, I actually think he has surpassed me in the ‘manhood’ department if you know what I mean? We were ‘crossing the streams’ the other morning and well….too painful to continue. (not so) Little bastard.

Boston Sports. Nothing but bad news around these parts right now. Besides TB12 getting emasculated by the media; the Sox suck, the Celts and Bruins are on the golf course during playoff season. Nothing to watch this week. I actaully tuned in to the freakin NY Ranger game last night. Lord, forgive me.

I am sure there is a whole bunch of other things the world did to me to bring out the Flabby Hulk but I think this little rant has done the trick to quell my rage. Well, no not really. Still kinda want to kick some stuff.

Uncategorized

Buddy…Bro….Guy…Man…. Not anymore Dude!

Former Olympic champion Bruce Jenner says that “for all intents and purposes, I am a woman.”

Jenner spoke in a long-awaited interview televised Friday with ABC’s Diane Sawyer about his gender identity, saying he has always been confused about it. Early in the interview, Jenner took out his ponytail to let his long hair flow behind him.

“My brain is more female than it is male,” said Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion who has been better known in recent years as part of television’s omnipresent Kardashian family.

Jenner said he hopes that speaking publicly about the gender issues would do some good in the world and vigorously denied that the interview was some sort of publicity stunt to promote the Kardashian reality TV show.

Jenner said he self-identifies as “her,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “he” and “him,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the transgender community.As a young boy, Jenner felt an urge to try on his mother’s and sister’s dresses.

“I didn’t know why I was doing it,” he said. “It just made me feel good.”

Jenner said he told his first two wives about the gender confusion, and it was a factor in the breakup of his second marriage. During the 1980s, he began taking hormones, had surgery to make his nose smaller and was having hair removed from his face and chest.

Jenner said he has never been sexually attracted to men, and he wanted to make clear to viewers that gender identity and sexuality were separate things.

“I am not gay,” Jenner said. “I am, as far as I know, heterosexual. I’ve always been with a woman, raising kids.”

Jenner said he’s gone back to say he was sorry to people in his life hurt by the gender identity issues.

“I’ve apologized to everybody,” Jenner said. “I’ve apologized my whole life.”

He fought back tears and reached for a tissue before the interview even began. Jenner said it was hard to talk about gender issues because of concerns about disappointing people.

Okay haven’t really wrote anything in awhile and I apologize for that. I have had a busy schedule involving children, vacation, booze and roasting some asshole, that took all my energy away from this wonderful blog. So what have I missed, the sox season has kicked off, Bruins threw up on themselves to get to the first tee, and the Celtics just got a beat down like they were in Baltimore police custody. Other stories have come by my desk and I haven’t really wanted to put anything out there. Until Bruce Jenner finally came out as transgender. Who would have thought this gold medal winning Olympian would be hiding that he is really a woman on the inside. Vegas must have really took a hit on this because in that family there was heavy money on Khloe Kardashian having a bigger dick then Shaq.

Now I know that you all expect me to blast him or her with this isn’t how people should live there lives bullshit. Guess what….Who gives a fuck. If somebody wants to dress like a woman, have at it. Shave your adams apple, cut off your boys and shop at the Christmas tree shop for all I care. Hell if I was married to that pile of makeup and OJ seman they call Kris Kardashian I would wear a pink tutu and tell people I was Winston Churchill to get out of it. The best part of this thing is that Kim Kardashian has come out fully supporting Bruce and his transition. Thank god, I’m sure the whole time he was thinking of going public he was worried if his second rate porn star step daughter had his back (just like Ray J did). The only thing worth less then Kim Kardashians opinion is real estate in Nepal. So Bruce Jenner my advice is live your life the way you want buddy, or honey, whatever.

To help your transition here’s some pick up lines you can try on the ladies

“Anyone wanna scissor fight with an Olympian”

“Why don’t we make like my penis and take off”

“It is true what they say about women with big hands, huge vagina”

“I love your shoes do they come in 16s”

“I used to be on the Wheaties box, how about now I get on your box”

“You want to go back to my place and throw the discus”

“Bill Cosby drugged me too, but just to win Battle of Network stars”

“If you play your cards right you can see the Olympic rings I shaved in my back hair”

“Don’t you just love this black dress, I got it from Blaze from American Gladiators”

“Hey dick or no dick who doesn’t want to fuck me with this hair”

“You know what, why don’t you follow me home to be safe”

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

If I was leading The Masters…

This is not a post about golf. This is a story about pressure.

For golf and non-golf fans alike, this week is the SuperBowl of the Sport; The Masters. The 79th edition where the world’s greatest players converge on Augusta, Georgia with the willingness to sacrifice their first born child (Tiger Woods will never know which one on this earth was his first, but pretty sure he would give them up to the golf Gods) in hopes of winning a bright green dinner jacket – yes really.

This week the world has been not-so-surprised by the incredible play of Jordan Speith, a 21 year old phenom from Texas that clearly appears to be the next legend in the sport. He has broken several records over these last 3 days of competition and looks like the clear favorite to finish it off on Sunday for his first Major Championship.

As young Mr. Speith walked off the 18th green last evening with a commanding lead, I started thinking about how he would manage the next 30 hours until he hit his next golf shot. The pressure. The mind games you must play on yourself. The media examining every word, action and emotion.

Clearly this “kid” is not phased and likely will handle the situation beautifully. BUT, what would I do if I were in his silly white golf shoes?

Here is a frame by frame of how athletes like Jordan handle the pressure in the hours before the biggest round/match/game/etc of their lives looming versus how folks like me would bide their time.

8:00PM Saturday:

Jordan Speith: Sign his card, shake a few hands, give a few hugs and visit the practice green to fine tune a few points of his game.

FM: High five EVERY member of the gallery. Do a few funnels of beer and sign autographs of hot females ONLY. Practice, schmactice.

9:30PM Saturday:

JS: Discuss a game plan for Sunday. Eat a light dinner with family

FM: Straight to the bar. I’m buying shots, y’all. Line em up. Anyone want a steak? Yup, I’m buying those suckers, too.

11:00PM Saturday

JS: Lights out. Night night

FM: ‘Hey Tiger, any good strip joints in Augusta?’

2:00AM Sunday

JS: Zzzzzzzzz

FM: Smoking weed with 4 University of Georgia sophomores and Arnold Palmer in back of an Uber limo.

5:00AM Sunday

JS: Alarm goes off – its game day.

FM: ‘Can I get a wake up call for 10? Oh, and can you send up some nachos?’

8:00AM Sunday

JS: Finish breakfast, off to the practice tee

FM: Zzzzzzzz

10:30AM Sunday

JS: Already had an hour on practice tee. Time to chip and putt.

FM: Open eyes. Realize the pressure in front of me. Throw up nachos and sit in bathtub while shower pummels my sad, hungover body. And I’m crying.

12:00PM Sunday

JS: Final equipment check. Lunch. Take a little time to rest up.

FM: Still trying to catch a cab to the course from the Waffle House Hotel I somehow managed to end up in. Where are my clubs?

1:30PM Sunday

JS: Start to loosen up. Stretch. Chip and putt.

FM: I really need to find a bathroom, some Advil and a maybe a cheeseburger

2:00PM Sunday

JS: Final prep. Stay loose. Hydrate.

ME: I am so tired. Where is my wallet? Oh, there are my clubs. I don’t even have a caddy. I need a beer.

2:30PM Sunday

JS: Mental prep and head for the 1st tee to make history. I got this.

FM: Hide in the coat room of the clubhouse. I can’t do this. Throw up again and need new underwear.

2:45PM Sunday

JS: It is finally here and I am ready! Let’s do this!

FM: Tournament officials find me in the coatroom. Drag me toward first tee. I haven’t swung club. I am going to literally die of heart failure. Oops, and need more underwear gentlemen. Stat.

2:55PM Sunday TEE TIME

JS: Stripes his first shot down the middle the roaring applause of the fans.

The first shot toward history.

FM: Rip a hook shot dead left into the gallery and kill a 58 year old woman. Almost simultaneously I puke, shit and faint. Dragged off course and forced to withdraw from The Masters without completing a hole.

The first shot is whiskey.

Best of luck today, Mr. Speith! I’ll be watching and eating nachos from the safety of my couch.

Uncategorized

Honey, I joined One Direction

Well, if you have not already heard (weirdo), than you know that Zayne Malik from One Direction has left.the.band. After a 5 year historic run by this British Boy band, Mr. Malik has decided he is too good for Harry Styles and the Lads.

Bad move, Z…bad move.

I have been watching you and learning for years. I know your moves. I know the mojo. I know how you operate, sucka. And now is MY time – MY TIME – to capitalize.

Sure, I am twice your age.

Correct, I can’t sing.

Yes, I don’t have the incredible hair you all magically possess.

But what I do have, fellas, is desire. I have been around, ya know? I have been through hell and back. I haven’t been eating tea and drinking crumpets my whole life. No no. So, you have no choice but to interview me as the next member of the ‘Direction. Deal with it.

Now, before I pound my chest much more I realize a painful truth that you limies need to recognize. I am a 40 year old married, father of three that lives in Massachusetts. Nonetheless, no one is stomping on my dreams…..

http://dailypicksandflicks.com/2013/12/08/snl-1-one-direction-fan-in-one-direction-concert-line-video/

That stated, I started playing out the phone call to my wife when I decide to make the leap and simply GO FOR IT. Little summin like this….and this is where my dream ends….

(ring ring)

Wife: Hello

@5direction: Hey, its me’

Wife: Where are you? Still at work? Its getting late…

@5direction: Heathrow

Wife: Huh? What are you talking about? I have 2 kids in the tub and the other is…

@5direction: Heathrow Airport. England.

Wife: I don’t have time for this shit Frank. I need you to stop at store and grab us…

@5direction: Hon, I am not joking. I grabbed a flight this morning’

Wife: What?

@5direction: Just listen for one second. Zayne quit.

Wife: What are you talking about? Who the hell is Zayne?

@5direction: Zayne! From One Direction.

Wife: One Direction? The band? What the hell do you mean? What is wrong with you? Are you drunk?

@5direction: No, I am NOT drunk. I have never felt better in my life. Honey, I am trying out to be the next member of One Direction.

Wife: Frank, I don’t have time for this f*(&^% crap, just get home. NOW!

@5direction: Babe, I am not kidding. This is my dream and I can’t let you get in the way. Tell the kids I love them and maybe I will see them when we hit the tour in the States in the Fall. If you really step back, this is the best thing that could ever…

Wife: Stop idiot. Come home now or I will cut your….

@5direction: Ok.

Here endeth the dream….