Sexually Assaulted with Laughter

Bill Cosby ‘Late Show’ Appearance Canceled After Rape Allegations Resurface

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In yet another canceled appearance, Bill Cosby will no longer be on The Late Show next week.

Cosby had been schedule for the Nov. 19 episode, but has been replaced on the schedule with Regis Philbin, to whom host David Letterman has often turned to fill in when a guest cancels.

It is unclear if Cosby or The Late Show canceled the appearance.  A rep for The Late Show did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but she told The New York Times she could not “comment on the booking process.”

Cosby has been the center of controversy after allegations he sexually assaulted multiple women resurfaced. In 2006, the comedian settled out of court with a woman who claimed he’d sexually assaulted her. According to court documents, the attorneys planned to bring forward 13 other women with similar allegations. Cosby has denied these allegations.

But the claims resurfaced after critics complained that a new Cosby biography left out the rape allegations. A rant from stand-up comedian Hannibal Buress about the allegations also brought them to the forefront, as well as the news in January that Cosby was reteaming with NBC for a new sitcom.

Cosby recently withdrew from a planned appearance on The Queen Latifah Show, while a meme contest publicized on Cosby’s Twitter account became a platform for his critics to lash out at the comedian over the rape allegations.

When I first read this story I immediately assumed that Cosby was guilty and could see him luring these young actress’ with promises of introducing them to Theo, Cockroach and Dwayne Wayne.  Then something in my head said “Wait a minute he hasn’t been convicted of forcing his pudding pop on anyone yet”. How many times have we seen people falsely accused and have their careers ruined. So I am not going to judge one way or the other until I hear all the facts and circumstances. It was the late 80’s and early 90’s for Christ sake,  Hell if Bill Cosby offered me a late night drink and a trip to see his sweater lair I’m there in a heart beat. Id get to hear how he came up with the idea of the “pudding pop” after a threesome with Paula Poundstone and Lazer form American Gladiators.

Its probably all a misunderstanding to begin with…..

Maybe these women were cutting his hair at the salon and he had his elbows out to far.

Its possible these incidences all happened during Ghost Dad and Bill thought nobody could see him.

Did he really think he was a Doctor and did breast exams?

Didn’t anyone think that maybe these women are only after his money from Leonard Part 6.

A Umass Amherst student would never do that

Although he did keep saying “I SPY boobies”

Maybe this woman was cleaning his teeth and he had his elbows out to far.

Its always sad when you see these types of allegations finally coming to light when these celebrities are older. Bill Cosby is 78 years old now and Fat albert has been dead from diabetes a long time but these stories need to be heard. Guilty or not its all different now, because when I sit down to watch Cosby now all I’m going to think about is that he assaulted all these actresses with Dizzy Gillespies trumpet.  End of an era….

My dream of what happened to Bono’s luggage

 

Bloomberg – A private jet carrying Irish rock star Bono, the frontman of U2, had its baggage door shear off mid-flight during a trip between Dublin and Berlin.

The hatch and bags from the Bombardier Inc. (BBD/B) Learjet disappeared over German territory during the flight yesterday,Germany’s air accident investigation bureau said. The jet landed safely at Berlin’s Schoenefeld airport at 12.26 p.m.

“A door on the plane to the cargo hold became detached, and apparently two pieces of luggage fell out,” the bureau said. “Bono was on board. We are investigating the incident.”

The Learjet’s baggage compartment is located in a rear section that’s separate from the passenger compartment, said Paul Hayes, a safety expert at London-based Ascend. Since the hold isn’t pressurized, passengers would have been in no danger of being sucked out of the jet when the door opened, he said.

“It happens on average about once a year, somewhere in the world,” Hayes said of the luggage-door separation. “Normally it doesn’t produce any disaster.” Such mishaps generally occur when the locking mechanism isn’t properly engaged, he added.

Imagine you are Franz Von Haagendas.  You have just lost your 3rd shitty factory job in a row.  You are walking home to explain to your ugly, Hitler-disciple of a wife that already hates you.  And now,  you have to tell that Schlampe you have no more Francs for the rent because you blew the lot of it on Steins and Schnitzel.  You are contemplating suicide and then all of a sudden…BOOM.

Not one, but two mysterious suit cases land at your feet.  Like a gift from the heavens.  You look to your left, then to your right.  Not a Krout in sight, so let’s have a look inside, shall we?

Franz opens bag #1 to find…..good lord.  63 pairs of sunglasses, 46 varieties of Rosary Beeds, a few pairs of midget boots/”lifts” (you know, the kind that make you taller, right Mr. Hewsen?) and a 856 pictures of Bono, each autographed to himself with the phrase “I feckin love you, Paul! Your #1 fan, Bono”

Hmm….

On to Bag #2.  My, my, my…yup, it’s a giant bag of cash.  Enough to never work again.  Enough to leave that old Bratworst with eyes.  Enough to make it rain for the Kaiser as you piss on him in the middle of Oktoberfest.  We’re talking SPRECHEN SIE DOUCHE  money, B!

At least that is my dream for what possibly happened.

Nothing has gone right in Germany for Bono since the ’83 show when he took a FALL-ein,

Unlawful Entry: Physical 4.0

Annual physical tomorrow and, realizing I have hit that 40 year milestone in life, I am terrified that I may just have a date with ‘Dr. Jellyfinger’ for the very first time.

I can already hear those weak, smug, totally-not-consoling words of advice from ‘Doc McStuffins’ during my exam.

“Breathe easy?”
“Just relax?”
“It’s all your fault this is happening”
“Don’t tell anyone because no will believe you anyway…you slut”                                                

Spare me, ‘Ben Dover’. It’s bad enough your office is behind a dumpster in downtown Lowell and now you are about to make me feel like I am the lone resident of Sanduskyville.

Do not utter the words ‘LOOK, NO HANDS’! during any part of the ‘invasion’.  You got that, ‘Feelgood, MD.’?

Until tomorrow, ‘Rear Admiral’, you keep those mitts of yours clean, safe and gentle.   (and, if at all possible, maybe you could shrink them down to, say, Carny size?  Thanks!)

“Rectum? Nearly killed him!”

Election Night Bartending = Somebody shoot me

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There are many nights that a bartender knows that he is going to be hassled with bullshit stories no matter what he does. Valentines Day you get “how come I can’t meet someone”, Thanksgiving eve you have to pretend you give a shit about how the kid in High school that sold you mushrooms is all sober now and St. Patricks’ day it’s usually just family fighting about who’s round it is. But then there is Election Day when every one is either Jon Stewart or that dink with the bow tie. So I had to work this past election night and got two wonderful point of views. One point of view was that Charlie Baker-Scott Brown are our salvation and that Obama is the head of ISIS. Then I got out of work and had a few with the common folk who are all Mickey Wards cousins, on disability from roofing, and are allergic to toothbrushes. All had great opinions on the races-political, human, and horse. Now I usually check my politics and religion at the door when having a few chardonnays but these wonderful people had some quotes that take care of both Democrat and Republican issues.

“I don’t know how Charlie Baker isn’t up by 85%”

“I swear the only reason that Asian guy got in was because he had them coming down the Merrimack in Dragon Boats”

“All the women and minorities are now getting elected because of the fat cats on Wall St.”

“I bet diamonds to donuts that she plays for the other team and so does her husband”

“So we can start using poker machines in here now right”

“The only reason Beast held a sign for Freddie was because he got a free 12 of Bud”

“She isn’t conceding the race because she’s a cut up not toasted”

“Where the hell is Palin city and is there free Saki”

“I can bitch all I want about politics because I didn’t vote”

“In ten years the American flag will be nothing but rainbows”

“Weed has always been legal, ya just gotta know a guy”

“So this is our countries best, spewing garbage all over the tv, put on the horse racing channel, I wanna bet the 1030 at Pimlico”

“That’s it, I moving to Chelmsford”

Yup that’s America right there folks and on that note… I need a drink

S

A

“BREAKING: Baker Goes on Cocaine-Fueled Hooker Binge”

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(A little late on this post, but….)

Yes, that was the headline Martha/Marsha C(h)oakley was hoping to awaken and see in yesterday morning’s Boston Globe.  But that didn’t happen.  Our newly elected Gov accepted victory with grace and respect for his opponent. Personally, I would have rubbed it in her face with a litany of cheesy ‘Baker’ one liners! (insert double-barrel air guns and/or middle finger bombs to each of these phrases as well)

‘Martha, you just got Baked!”

“Wake and Bake(r), Martha…the party is over!”

“The Loser, The Faker, and the new Gov Baker!”

And of course….”Be sure toShake it before you Baker it!

Martie, you should have taken your lumps like man.

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To quote Imagine Dragons, ‘welcome to the new age’, MC!  Be sure to keep the want ads (and some Pepto) at close range.

 

Austin “Champ” Fontanella is a TV star

 

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So very proud of our own local “Champ”, Austin Fontanella. Still at the tender age of 24 and he is the nightly sports anchor for a major NY station. Pretty awesome and while I wish him the very best, I wish more just to be him. As the 2nd most famous Austin (Powers) once said, “Men want to be me and girls want to be WITH me.”

Actually, forget that, I am filled with jealousy and rage. Smug little bastard. Who does he think he….ah hell, can’t go through with even the fake insult. Great stuff buddy! All of us here at CIBF, WCAP, the city of Lowell and beyond….all proud of Ya.

Don’t screw up being drunk on air or chasing interns around the news desk a la Bob Lobel.