Uncategorized – Page 11 – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Screech, Stabbing and the Saved By the Bell Police Lineup

The actor best known for playing the character Screech in the ’90s sitcom “Saved by the Bell” was arrested Thursday on charges that he stabbed a man with a knife during a fight at a Wisconsin bar, police said.

Dustin Diamond, 37, appeared in court Friday on a charge of second-degree recklessly endangering safety, a felony, as well as misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, and a judge set his bail at $10,000, according to court records.

Police said Diamond stabbed a man during an altercation at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington at around 11:15 p.m., and then he and his fiancée fled in a white sport-utility vehicle. Diamond and his fiancée, Amanda Schutz, were taken into custody a short time later, and police said they found a folding knife with a 3.75-inch blade inside the vehicle with what appeared to be blood on it.

The victim suffered a stab wound to his right armpit, but police said the wound was not life threatening and he was recovering at home Friday.

When police caught up to the SUV, Diamond initially told the officer he had a “pen” in his hand but later admitted it was a knife, according to the criminal complaint. Diamond, who lives in Port Washington, told the officer he accidentally stabbed the man while trying to protect Schutz during a heated confrontation at the bar, according to the complaint. Other witnesses told police the fight broke out after Diamond’s fiancée got upset over people taking pictures, the complaint said.

Diamond’s agent, Roger Paul, declined to comment. A person who picked up the phone at the Grand Avenue Saloon said Diamond is not a regular at the bar. Schutz, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct.

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Apparently in the foggy haze of egg nog and family drama, my Crew and I missed perhaps the greatest news event that has happened during this blessed Christmas season; Screech went out and stabbed a Mo Fo! I mean, I get it, any member of the Saved by the Bell cast has every right to go on a killing spree for their lackluster success since the show discontinued nearly two decades ago, but I never saw Screech as the assailant.

If we were playing CLUE, Screech would not be the guy I found in the library (Wisconsin ‘saloon’) with the Candle Stick (3.75-inch knife!) wrecking house…or would I?

Let’s place the gang from Bayside HS in a police lineup and grade them…. (an A being highest likelihood to stab someone in a midwest bar and F being the least likely)

Zach Morris

Outside of like 10 quasi-shitty episodes of NYPD Blue, Mark Paul (never trust a guy with 2 first names) Gosseler has done nothing with his career. You would think that handsome bastard could have at least transitioned to a B-rate star making Skinemax ‘Lornos’ (light + porno= lorno). I can easily see him stabbing dudes in bars after hitting on and picking up their girlfriends…. after buying some $1.00 Mens Room cologne….with a stolen debit card.

GRADE: C

AC Slater

Mario Lopez has actually (vomit surfacing in my throat) achieved the most success of these 90s phenoms. Like it or not, AC’s mug is on TV almost every day dishing on all the gossip on Access Hollywood or E or the Who Gives Shit network. He has also slain some serious tail over the years including the ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Dancing With The Stars communist hottie Karina Smirnoff and even had a very short term marriage to that scalding Doritos girl, Ali Landry. The only thing Slater ‘stabs’ is hot ass.

GRADE: F–

Lisa Turtle

Is Lark Voorhies still alive? I just assumed you offed herself years ago when she wasn’t even recognized at the Burger King…she was working at.

GRADE: INCOMPLETE

Kelly Kapowski

Ah, Kelly…the girl we all loved. I thought she had a shot at the big time. After she left Bayview, she reinvented herself. Changed her name to Valerie and went on to become a total slut and torment Dylan McKay across town at Beverly Hills 90210 High School. She was like a rising Phoenix that Tiffany Amber (destined fo the Pole with that name) Thiessen. However, giving 20 year old men erections across ‘Merica is not enough to make it in this racket. To quote Mike Tyson, Kelly has vanished in Bolivion. She is a viable suspect.

GRADE: B+

Mr. Belding

Let’s shift gears to that glue-sniffing principal from Bayview. The guy was always WAY to close to the gang. He was WAY too jolly about his station in life and, quite frankly, he gave me to the creeps. Not to mention, Dennis Haskins (I guess that’s his real name) has done less with his acting career that all of the ‘Bell-ers’ combined. I’d say he could be the stabbing type but my gut tells me he is working at a Friendly’s in rural Pennsylvania under a new name and is teetering on Level 3 status. Mr. B doesn’t have a violent streak – he just loves the children.

GRADE: D

Jesse Spano

So, if you put a 3.75-inch blade to my head, Jesse would be my best guess as to being the type of person that knifes guys in Wisconsin bars on Christmas. Elizabeth Berkeley essentially DID turn to pornography after the ‘Bell (read: Showgirls). Beauty and loose morals are just not enough to convert in this business, but certainly a plausible cocktail to turn to stabbing. After being rejected by that red-headed toolbox on CSI Miami, where is a damaged girl to turn? Jesse has stabber (and likely some various bodily fluids) written all over her face.

GRADE: A-

Screech

Say it ain’t so Dustin Diamond (is he really the Beastie Boys’ Mike D’s brother? Really?)? I realize a life (real and television) of rejection had to reach maximum capacity at some point, but I never thought it would be you. Of couse, after he mercilessly pounded the late, real-life homosexual Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing, we all knew he had a pension for violence. The writing was on that lockerroom wall at Bayside. I just wish someone acted sooner.

GRADE: He did it.

“It’s alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m SAVED BY THE BELL!”

Uncategorized

A Very Special Christmas Volume 7-“Can I get in your heart today.”

Finally, somebody told Sting to fuckoff and we’ve got some fresh blood in the A Very Special Christmas franchise. It’s no Santa Baby, but something about the passion and smartly crafted lyrics makes this the holiday jam of the year. Sure, there’s no mention of anything remotely connected to Christmas, snow, or Baby Jesus, but I believe the “Can I get get in your heart today” line rings true to all of us who have ever endured a lonely Christmas.

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FOX25 has no idea what a ManCave is.

Secret taxpayer funded mancave in Woburn uncovered – Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston.

Ya gotta click through to watch the video…it’s worth it.

WOBURN, Mass. (MyFoxBoston.com) — A secret taxpayer funded “mancave” used by government contractors has been uncovered in Woburn.

FOX 25 obtained an audit performed by the US Inspector General’s office that found gym equipment, sleeping bags and a bike repair tool kit inside a warehouse at a Woburn office park rented out by the EnvironmentalProtection Agency.

The EPA says the warehouse in Woburn is used to store equipment needed for emergency response in the area. Instead, it was being used as a mancave by contractors hired by the federal government..

“Every guy wants to have a mancave, but they get one paid for by the taxpayers of the federal government,” said Greg Sullivan, research director at the Pioneer Institute and former state Inspector General. “And that’s really unfortunate.

At the Woburn location, “they actually saw a climbing wall,” said Kevin Christensen, who is with the EPA office of the Inspector General.

The audit was done between April 2013 and August 2014. The EPA leased the 4,500 Sq. foot at a cost of $71,000 per year. Contractors paid more than half a million dollars to manage it.

The inspector general found contractors were “having personal packages received at the epa warehouse, storing and potentially using exercise equipment and bicycle repair equipment, and storing personal sleeping bags in vacant spaces,” according to the audit.

When asked why the EPA needed this type of storage facility, Sullivan said “well, that’s one of the questions the federal IG’s office is hammering here. Why do we need this much space? They looked at what’s being stored. Not a lot of it is needed, should never have been stored in the first place.”

Hey Fox, thanks for the hard hitting journalism. Maybe for your next piece you can investigate what the fuck an actual MancaveMantown is, because that’s the worst MancaveMantown I’ve ever seen. Looks like a Siberian prison cell. No TV’S, no pool table, no kegerator, no mention of the RedZone channel? Who the fuck wants to hang out there? The whole point of a MancaveMantown is to be a sanctuary filled with fun and comfort…where plumbing and floor joists keep the farts in and the wives out. If I invited my buddy Dunny over to the EPA MancaveMantown on a Sunday, he’d stab me on the spot. (and piss all over that weight bench in his disappointment that it’s not a BowFlex)

So if the EPA is firing folks over this, I have to assume it’s based on someone’s claim that this was intended to be a MancaveMantown, a clear demonstration of ineptitude. Otherwise on paper, this just looks like a workplace that has a nap area, and an employee gym…aka Google (Or any Tech company pre-2006).

PS. I’m not sure who authorized the phase out of “ManTown” in favor of the ambiguous “ManCave,” but we need to switch back as soon as possible. It’s awesome when your wife lets you have a bunch guys in your “ManTown.” ManCave…not so much.

Double PS. Mr. Despicable has never been invited to a ManTown. Probably because he never shuts up about flight school.

h/t to Mahk for the link.

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Christmas Confessions of an Angry Elf

Well everyone its that time of year again when we slow clap all together for the fact that being drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday isn’t frowned upon because of the Christmas Season. This time of year we try to be better people then we are, spread a little Christmas cheer, and try to block out the fact that the low drum beat in Bing Crosbys “White Christmas” is him beating his son with a sock of marbles. Not too many people realize this but I have been a Christmas elf for Santa for the last 17 years. When I got my drivers license at 16, Santa learned he could enjoy his dewars a lot more if he had me driving the sleigh. So I have seen it all over the years, from crying kids, spazzy kids, drunk teenagers, drunk cops on duty, cars filled with gifts being stolen and people egging houses on Christmas eve. To help my mental state this year I’ve decided to vent all my angry rants, pet peeves, and really any other bullshit that I feel like writing down.

– Took the family on a nice Christmas light tour of our fine city of Lowell Mass the other night and here are the grades

Highlands B+ -Great effort but too many inflatables and blue Hanukkah lights
Pawtucketville C – Only saw 2 houses in a 20 min drive through South Dracut
South Lowell B- – Lost points because the hookers had ugly sweaters
Acre C+ – The guy washing my windshield was dressed as Santa-bonus points
Belvidere F+ – Spot lights on front door wreaths don’t count you jack wagons
Centerville Incomplete -Didn’t have bullet proof vests that would fit my kids

– I need my Mall Santa to be like my Christmas cartoons, be 70 years old, make my kids smile, and be a bit racist

-Egg nog with no booze in it is just pancake batter

-No more ugly Christmas sweater partys please. The new hip party is called Russian Roulette fruitcake party. One fruit cake is made with some nice Northern California Sinsemilla (weed), One fruit cake has magic mushrooms, and one just plain fruit cake. Now that’s a party and may luck be always in your favor.

-How come all my beloved childhood cartoons characters now all remind me of drug addicts. I mean Charlie Brown looks like a meth addict, no hair, can’t kick a football, and thinks his dog is talking to him. Rudolph is blowing coke all night long and no way he passes a DUI checkpoint. The Grinch is all cracked out on pills obviously. Living in a cave, breaking into houses, and has no friends because he a owes them all money.

-If your not leaving out Milk, Cookies, Carrots, and a Budweiser for Santa your doing it wrong

-No kids at Midnight Mass, we are all drunk, we don’t want to be there, and the crying kids aren’t helping

-Every time somebody says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas an Angel gets raped by Bill Cosby

-You get to open one gift on Christmas Eve. If you pick a gift that is socks and underwear you lose and have to go right to bed

-Die Hard is a Christmas movie and should be shown for 24 straight hours just like “A Christmas Story”

-Any toys that have to be assembled on Christmas Morning you are allowed to start drinking no questions asked, believe me it helps or shit can hit the fan like the Power wheels Barbie Car incident of 09′

-Your a bad parent if you don’t position the Elf on the shelf to shit out a Hershey kiss at least once

-Named my Christmas stocking Robin Williams this year, because its furry and just hanging there

-If you can’t point out the drunk inappropriate guy at your office Christmas party then your the drunk inappropriate guy at said party

-Sorry for any F bombs I threw at my family on Christmas last year but Daddy had Michigan St -6.5 and they missed the Fucking extra point

So Merry Christmas everyone and remember…. if there isn’t a little family drama, too much alcohol, crappy gifts and a fist fight or two then it really isn’t a Christmas to remember

–

Anger, Pistoffirishman, Uncategorized

Hey Ma, Read this Study

Most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics, U.S. study finds

By David Beasley

ATLANTA (Reuters) – Contrary to popular opinion, only 10 percent of U.S. adults who drink too much are alcoholics, according to a federal study released on Thursday, a finding that could have implications for reducing consumption of beer, wine and liquor.

While many people think that most, if not all, heavy drinkers are alcoholics, medical specialists have long suspected that belief is incorrect, said Robert Brewer, an author of a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that analyzed self-reported data from 138,100 U.S. adults.

The study found that 90 percent of heavy drinkers fell short of the criteria for alcoholism. Women who have eight or more drinks per week and men who have 15 or more are considered heavy drinkers.

Signs of alcoholism include an inability to stop or reduce drinking, continuing to drink even after it causes problems with family or work, and excessive time spent drinking each day.

Only a third of those who admitted binge drinking 10 or more times in the previous month were alcoholics, the study found. The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming four drinks for women and five drinks for men in a single occasion.

Alcoholism was most common among those with annual family incomes of less than $25,000, according to the study.

Heavy drinkers should not cheer the new study’s results, Brewer cautioned.

Drinking too much is unhealthy, killing 88,000 people annually regardless of whether the drinker is an alcoholic, the CDC said. Health effects include breast cancer, liver and heart disease and auto accidents.

“Anybody who takes from this paper that excessive drinking is not dangerous unless you are dependent is simply not getting the message, which is that drinking too much is bad, period,” Brewer said.

That said, it is important to quantify the percentage of alcoholics among heavy drinkers in order to develop effective strategies for reducing alcohol consumption, Brewer said.

For example, alcoholics may require treatment to stop drinking, while non-alcoholics might cut back if alcohol taxes were raised or the number of stores allowed to sell alcohol is reduced, Brewer said.

“The great preponderance of people who are drinking too much are not candidates for specialized treatment but they can be helped in other ways,” Brewer said

Where was this story about 15 years ago when I was getting lectured on how drinking every night in bars at the age of 17 is going to lead me down a terrible path? This new study is going on my fridge and in my wallet, so I can whip it out every time some clown wants to question why I’m having whiskey with my Cheerios. Just because you pass out from time to time in the kids pack n play or down all the scope because you forgot you couldn’t buy beer before 12 on Sunday, doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings every Tuesday night. This study can help everyone out there that thinks they have a problem after waking up next to some 58 year sloth from Goonies looking woman from the Worthen. You just wake up read this study and say, I don’t have a problem, I was just making memories last night. This study is also excellent to read after saying or doing the following stupid shit.

”Ya sure, lets go to Cappy’s Copper Kettle”

”Taco Bell sounds awesome”

“No I didn’t shit myself from drinking, I gambled on a fart and lost”

“I just watched Rain Man..lets go to Foxwoods, pretty sure I can count cards now”

“These mushrooms won’t last that long right”

”Okay let’s play for $100 a hole and I’ll only use my 7 iron”

“We should totally just egg that assholes house”

“Is the Club Diner still open?”

“Im telling you The Blue Moon is classy now”

“Honey, that cable bill is wrong, why would I order ’18 Inch Black Monsters’?”

“Okay 1 more Jameson then I gotta go coach soccer”

“Must have been the Taco Bell last night, thank God this toilet is nice and cold”

“So I took a nap under the pool table….big whoop”

“That’s not an adams apple, she is just Korean”

You can thank me later for this but you start drinking White Zin and going to James Taylor shows, then you have a problem. Other than that you’re just making great stories.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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“Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl. I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80. Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain? Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly. No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh. More pie?”

What’s worse? Afton is a cutie! Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette. The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you. Don’t give up.

I believe in love.